**WARNING: First-hand panic attack/PSTD, mentions of past-sexual assault.
In the few days they had been in Richmond, Beth had consciously been able to feel herself slipping back under that cloud of anxiety and panic. In some ways that was one of the worst things about it; she could feel it happening and yet couldn't do anything to stop it. It was like she was in a long tunnel and the haze and darkness kept getting thicker the further she went in, and she could see that she was getting pulled in deeper but all she could do was look over her shoulder and wish she could go back. Except she couldn't, even when she tried.
She'd known it was getting worse and worse, especially ever since they'd run into those 'peacekeepers', but she just couldn't pull herself back out of that hole. Her inability to help herself made her feel weak, made her feel guilty, and somehow that only seemed to make all of it even worse. She was supposed to be better than this, now. She was supposed to be strong.
When the breaking point had come, it had been over the most ridiculous thing. She'd kept herself under control all through her appointment at the little clinic, letting them examine her wrist and the scar on her head, even as the constant touching and the presence of multiple strangers in a small room had put her more and more on edge each moment. Stepping out of there and onto the street should have been a relief. Certainly the fresh air and open space was, but nowhere near as much as it should have been. The streets weren't much better here for Beth. They were full of people watching, and staring, and judging. Full of people's eyes flitting from her face to the knife she refused to remove from her belt sheath, and back again.
She'd been trying to just avoid them all by just keeping her head down as her fingers slipped absentmindedly under her bracelets and began to rub back and forth over her scar. Though she could feel her breathing getting a little tighter, Beth had been sure she'd be okay long enough to make it back to the house, to Daryl. Then, just up ahead a little bit, she'd caught a flash of black-shirt-and-jeans, and she'd known right away that one of them was there. There and coming for her. He was gonna catch her on her own with none of her family here, and he'd take advantage the way she knew he wanted to, all sweet thing and honey and roaming, groping hands.
Beth's breathing began to hitch and she stumbled, and just then someone reached out to grab her arm. Later she might understand that whoever it was had only been trying to help her and make sure she didn't fall, but in the moment rational thought didn't cut into the haze of sweet thing, sweet thing, be a good girl for me Bethy in her mind. She panicked, yanking her arm away and shoving hard at the body that was too close to her. "Don't touch me!"
And suddenly it was shouting and accusations ringing through the haze in her mind. People were all around her, closing in on her like a wall of bodies tightening, tightening, trapping her in a circle and she couldn't breathe, her chest was so tight as she fought to find her strength and catch herself.
She still might have done it; might have managed to find that strength inside of her and fight for control, if he hadn't caught her first instead. Hands reaching out to grip her wrists and tug them roughly behind her back. Beth screamed and then her air cut off in a gasp as she struggled to remember how to breathe.
Somewhere behind her, she heard a rough masculine voice telling her: "Don't fight me. Don't fight, now, that's a good girl."
There was a roaring in her ears and a tightness in her chest and her eyes pressed shut against the encroaching blackness that was creeping in around the edges. So how about it, Bethy? We gonna work something out here? Good girl. Good girl, good girl, good girl. Lucky for me your're not a fighter. Not a fighter, not a fighter. Good girl, not a fighter, Bethy, Bethy, Bethy-
And then, barely audible through the fog in her mind: "Beth!"
For just a moment, there was a flicker in the darkness of her mind. Like the spark of a match against that strip on the side of a match-box when it briefly sizzles but doesn't quite light, and then, "Let her go!"
Spark and flare.
There was a pinpoint of light in the distance and she fixed her eyes on it and began to drag herself out. She knew that light. It was old leather and the lingering scent of cigarettes. It was arms wrapped around her and words whispered in her ear: Breathe, Beth. I've got you. It was moonshine and a hint of a smile in the darkness and the roar of flames devouring the past, and what changed your mind?
But it was so much more. It was the weight of a crossbow in her arms, or a look of faint pride as she tracked an animal through the forest. It wasyou said you could take care of yourself and you did. It was... It was...
You're alive because you fought to stay that way, all by yourself.
She saved herself.
That's who I want havin' my back.
You were never a burden, and y' never will be. You're the greatest good I know.
Suddenly that light was right there in front of her and Beth gripped tightly and hauled herself right into it. Her head lifted as she dragged in a sharp breath and blinked her blurry, hazy eyes. Dimly she registered that someone was still holding her arms behind her back and pinning her wrists, but what her gaze focused on was the man standing in front of her: Daryl, a gun to his temple but his eyes fixed on her.
He didn't speak, but he didn't need to. She could see the relief in his eyes and the pride, could practically hear him whispering in her mind. There you go. Stay with me, Beth. Stay with me now.
Her eyes stayed locked on him as she shifted her feet just slightly, bracing herself so she could try and fight back if she had to. She could step on his foot, or kick up between his legs, or...
But Daryl was faintly shaking his head, and Beth held herself still for now, trusting him. He was her partner. They worked together, as always.
With the gun pressed to his temple by the peacekeeper behind him, Daryl went on in a rough but measured tone, "Look, I ain't tryin' to start anythin'. I just want him to let her go, okay?"
The man behind her only gripped her wrists tighter, making her breath hitch again as she dug her mental claws tighter into her sanity and held on as hard as she could. "Your little friend here shoved an innocent woman to the ground, okay? She needs to be restrained before she tries to hurt anyone else."
"I didn't-" She dragged in a deep breath and fixed her eyes on Daryl, letting them anchor her even as the faintly growing spark of anger inside of her fueled her too. "She grabbed me and I panicked, that's all. I wasn't trying to hurt her." She looked to the woman who had climbed to her feet, and Beth's eyes softened as she said honestly, "I didn't mean to hurt you, honestly. You caught me off guard and I panicked. I don't- I don't like people touching me..."
Even as she saw the woman's expression grow a little less wary, the man behind her snorted. "Sure, that's a good story. You don't seem to mind when your boyfriend here touches you..."
He tugged her arms up higher, surprising a gasp and a sharp squeal from Beth's lips. In an instant Daryl was growling- "You better back to fuck off quick, you sonofabitch"- and his hand twitched to his own knife, just as the man behind him shoved the gun harder against his temple.
"Do we have a problem here, officers?" Rick's gruff but firm voice sent only a faint twinge of relief through Beth as she turned her head just enough to see him coming up. His hands were in the air, but she could see Michonne behind him with her fingers hovering over the hilt of the sword she'd refused to give up as well.
"This doesn't concern you," the man with his gun to Daryl's temple said. "If there's any trouble, we'll be taking care of it shortly."
There words were ambiguous, but that only seemed to upset Beth more, fueling both her panic and anger at the same time. It didn't help that the man behind her seemed intent on holding her even tighter, making her gasp again and sparking Daryl to snap, "You ain't gonna take care of shit. What you're gonna do is let her go, before you hurt her more!"
Her arms were twisted up behind her back as her captor replied lowly, "Don't worry, boy, I ain't gonna hurt your little sweet thing. Not too much, anyway..."
That was it. The crossroads. It was either sink back into panic, or give in to anger. Beth had to choose.
Her choice flashed in her eyes all heat and steel for just one second before she bared her teeth in a grimace, lifted her leg, and slammed her foot down on her captor's boot. The moment he groaned in pain his grip on her loosened. She slipped one arm free and instantly grabbed her knife, whirling around with it raised to press it to the man's neck.
She seemed oblivious to his gun pointed at her temple as she hissed, "You need to learn to listen to people. Especially when they tell you they're far from some sweet thing."
As she stood there with her chest heaving, Beth dimly registered that there had been movement around her, too. Daryl had seen the anger in her eyes and acted almost simultaneously, pulling his knife from his belt and ducking around the gun at his temple. He and the second officer stood almost like she did, knife to throat and gun to temple. Beside them, Michonne had pulled her sword and pointed it at another officer who had tried to slip up from behind while Rick had managed to quickly draw his gun and aim it at the officer holding his gun to Beth's head.
No one moved, although there was a crowd hovering all around them, alternating between murmurs and whispers and panicked exclamations. Beth couldn't imagine this was helping their reputation here, but to be honest she didn't really care right now. All she cared about was getting away safe; not just herself, but all of them.
"Let her go," Daryl growled again, barely seeming to care that he had a gun to his head or was holding a knife to the man's throat.
"Now, what is going on here?" From her right, Beth saw the crowd of people began to part before James, who was slowly coming forward to meet them. The tall man had his hands on his hips and a stern expression on his face, but none of them made a move from their tense stand-off.
"This girl pushed one of our people," the man in front of her said roughly as his dark eyes darted from hers, to James, and back again.
"It was an accident," Beth bit out angrily, her fingers tensing around the handle of the blade. "She grabbed my arm and I panicked and I pushed her. I wasn't trying to hurt her. You're the one who came up and grabbed me and pinned my arms behind my back!"
"Yeah, and your sonofabitch peacekeeper wouldn't let her the fuck go even when she was having a damned panic attack." There was a fury in Daryl's voice still, making it all low and rough, and Beth knew that he was far more upset than he was even showing. Which was saying something about his progress too, really. A year or so ago he'd have been swinging his fists far before this, but now he was holding himself back, focusing his anger to try and keep them all safe. To try and keep her safe.
"Alright," James said slowly, stepping in between them all and slowly lifting his hands. "Now, why doesn't everyone just lower their weapons and take a step back."
"But sir-" Beth's officer half-growled his words only to cut off when James shook his head firmly.
"I'll count, and on three, everyone just take a step back and lower your weapons, okay?" He waited for their nods and then went on, "One... Two... Three."
Beth took a step back, never once taking her eyes off the 'officer' in front of her, until he'd begun to lower his gun. Though she lowered her knife to her side, she didn't ease her tight grip on it, and she only pulled her wary gaze away from the man when she heard footsteps from her side and found Daryl coming up by her side.
He didn't grab her, or try to pull her to safety. That wasn't Daryl. He just looked into his eyes and held her gaze, searching it to silently make sure she was okay. With a little nod, Beth reached down and found his hand to lace their fingers together. She didn't care about anyone watching. She needed to feel his hand around hers and she knew that he needed that connection too.
Hand-in-hand they moved to stand by Rick and Michonne, and though Beth felt herself trembling faintly still, she managed to nod back at the looks that both Rick and Michonne gave her. For just a moment she felt guilty again knowing she'd dragged them into this and gotten them all into more trouble. But then Daryl squeezed her hand and she saw Michonne step up closer behind them as Rick shifted nearer to her side, and the guilt faded away. They would never want her to feel guilty for this. They were family and that was what family did. They helped each other.
"Now look," James said, turning towards them as his three peacekeepers moved to stand around him. In the crowd behind them Beth could see more black shirts dotting the crowd and her stomach clenched as she curled her fingers tighter around both Daryl's hand, and her own knife. "I was willing to give your group a little bit of time to come to terms with the rules here, but if it's gonna involve you putting my people on edge or starting trouble, than I just can't have it. I understand y'all have gone through some tough things-"
"You don't understand shit," Daryl growled from beside her.
Rick's voice cut in lowly and warningly, "Daryl..."
"No." Daryl's fingers tightened around Beth and he gestured towards James with his other hand, the one that clutched his knife. Ignoring the way the officers hands tightened on their guns at his gesture, he went on, "These people, they've been all nice and cozy here in their little suburban dream land. They don't know shit about what we've been through, about what's out there. 'Tough' things? You ain't know shit about what kindatough things we've been through! I bet you're picturin' a few rough dudes, some nasty walkers, right?"
James raised his hands beseechingly, and started, "I know there are bad people out there..."
"We had a place like this once." Daryl drew his knife in a half-circle, pointing at the crowd around them. "Maybe not as nice as this, but it seemed safe. Safe enough to grow food and keep animals. Safe enough to think we could make a life. Then a man came with his little army and destroyed it all. He murdered members of our family." Beth shivered beside him and saw James' gaze shift to her for a moment as her eyes went dark with sadness. Daddy.
Beside her, Daryl gripped her hand tighter as he went on, "He brought walkers to swarm the place and burned us all out until we had to scatter to save our lives. Found another place like this called Terminus, you know what they did? They lured people in, trapped them, and ate them. Fucking cannibals, that's right. Gave people a real nice welcome though, nice flowers everywhere, offerin' you food and suggesting you give up your weapons before they trapped you like cattle so they could butcher you later. Yeah we've met all kinds of people. Murderers, lunatics, psychopaths who wanted to hunt us like animals..."
Beth drew herself up, fixing her eyes on the man in front of them as she breathed out lowly, "Cops. Like the men you've got right there, only they liked to drive around and find weak people they could hit with their cars and knock out. They went around injuring people on purpose, so they could catch them and bring them back and force them to stay. Slave labor, abuse..." She drew in a shuddering breath and exhaled, "Rape."
She hadn't even fully realized she was speaking until the words were out and everyone around her went still. From the corner of her eyes, Beth saw Rick turn to look at her but she refused to meet his eyes, refused to see whatever pain must have been in them at her words. Her mouth was dry and just as she struggled to swallow she felt Daryl give her hand a slow, reassuring squeeze. It was enough to ground her, to give her the courage to go on, "You say you understand we've been through a lot, but you have no idea. You're lucky to have no idea what all of that is like, what it doesto a person. We're not so lucky, but we can't change that. Everything we are now is because of that, and all we can do is... is..."
"Move forward." Michonne spoke in that low, calm voice of hers from where she was watching the crowd with wary eyes.
Rick's gaze lingered on Beth for a moment more before he nodded and looked back to James. "They're right. All we can do is move forward and try to work on it. Together. Maybe we could do that here, but not like this. Not if you don't give us some allowance and try to understand what we've gone through and what we need." He looked around at the crowd that had gathered, and Beth wondered if he could see the same horror on their faces as they tried to digest the stories they'd just been told. "I know you just want your people to be safe, but that's all I want too. I just want my family to feel safe, and I don't know if we can have that if you make them give up all their weapons and keep them trapped in here."
For a long tense moment, no one spoke. She could see James looking at each of them, turning over what they'd said in his mind, perhaps trying to come to a conclusion. She let one tiny bit of hope spark again inside of her; maybe this would be okay. Maybe he'd understand, maybe they'd be able to work something out...
"The rules we have here are rules for a reason. If I change them for you, what would be the point of having them at all?" James crossed her arms and shook his head as Beth felt her stomach sink. "No. I can't. You have to make a decision. You can stay here, but you'll have to give up all your weapons and keep inside the walls unless you earn enough trust to join the Peacekeepers. If that's not acceptable, then I'm afraid you'll have to leave. Those are the only options." He sighed, and spread out his hands palm up. "This is a good place. I know you must see that in some way. You could be safe here, you could have lives here; you and your family and your children. You just have to choose to accept our way of life. That's all. And I'm not a cruel man-"
Daryl and Beth snorted in disbelief at the same time, and if the moment hadn't been so tense Beth would have smiled at him. As it was she just curled her fingers tighter in his as James went on, "-I won't make you decide right now. You can have 24 hours. But until then, you either stay in your homes, or you make sure to leave your weapons behind when you come out. Deal?"
When Beth finally glanced at Rick, she couldn't fail to notice the tension in the tight line of his jaw, or the anger in his eyes. He was angry, she knew him well enough now to tell that. Rick carried so much on his shoulders and this was just another burden to add to the pile that weighed down on his shoulders. Sometimes it amazed her that he didn't just snap. After a moment, he breathed out slowly through his nose and gave the man a slow nod. "Fine. We'll let you know what we decide tomorrow."
It wasn't like they had any other option.
They stayed still until James turned and guided his men away with him. Only then did the four of them turn in the other direction, leaving the group behind as they walked slowly back towards their houses.
Beth couldn't help the faint stirring of guilt inside of her again that had the words bubbling up before she could stop them: "I'm sorry..."
"Don't." To her surprise it was Michonne who spoke, beating Daryl (and Rick) to the punch. Her voice was as quiet as always, but when she leaned forward enough to look Beth firmly in the eyes, she added, "We're a family. The two of you needed us. That's all."
"I'm sorry," Rick's unexpected words caught her off guard enough to have her blinking up at him. "For not realizing how this place was affecting you."
"It's not just her," Daryl said roughly, glancing up at Rick before giving a shrug. "Ivy, too. Right?"
He looked at Beth, who nodded. Of course Daryl would have noticed; he was the most observant man she knew. Hesitantly, she ventured, "And Hank, and I think Noah a bit, too. But others as well." She swallowed and ventured, "Carl. He'd never say anything because he wants you to see how strong and brave a man he is, but I think this place makes him nervous. I think those men make him nervous. He wants a good place as much as you do, Rick, and I know... I know you want him to have a normal life, to be a normal kid, but that's only possible to a certain extent now and I think you know that. I think you know he's changed in ways he can't undo. This place... I think it makes him a little unsure, maybe even a little scared. I think it bothers him the way these people look at us, too."
Seeing Rick's furrowed brow, Beth sighed. "I'm not saying we should definitely go-" She ignored the noise Daryl beside her and went on instead, "-I'm just saying we have a lot to think about. Or talk about."
"Talk." Rick nodded and picked up the pace towards their trio of houses. "That's what we're gonna do. This isn't the kind of thing that can just be decided by one of us, or the four of us. We're a family, right? So I reckon it's about time for a family meeting.
...
With all of them in it, the living room of the house they shared with Rick was a bit packed, but they made it work. Daryl had guided the pair of them to the open doorway, knowing Beth would feel more comfortable there than in the middle of the room. Sure enough it felt much easier to breathe like this, with open space at her back and Daryl next to her and letting her lean against him.
Rick stood in the center of the room, with the rest of their family gathered around him. Michonne was leaning against the wall behind him, with Tyreese, Sasha, and Carol beside her. Carl was standing against the wall near Beth and Daryl, holding Judy for the moment and rocking her gently in his arms, occasionally looking up at Beth as if he wanted to make sure she was okay. She knew he'd heard the story already from Rick, but rather than annoy her like it might have from anyone else, she found Carl's concern rather sweet, so she made sure to give him a faint smile whenever she caught him watching her.
Glenn and Maggie sat on one of the couches with Tara and Rosita beside them and Eugene standing behind, shifting nervously in place. Across from them, Ivy, Noah, Hank, had the smaller love-seat. Beth didn't fail to notice the guilty look in Noah's eyes, but before she could comment on it Rick was starting to speak.
"I'm sure some of you have heard what happened by now. We had a small altercation in the center of the community-" Daryl snorted faintly again and Beth shook her head as she leaned against his side. "-and the short of it is that we've been given an ultimatum. We can stay here, if we agree to give up our weapons and stick inside the walls... or we can leave."
Instantly everyone's voices rose in a rush of exclamations and frustrated sounds, until Rick raised his hands in the air to try and get everyone to quiet. In the silence that fell, Beth heard Maggie ask, "What exactly happened out there?"
Rick's eyes found hers and he opened his mouth to reply before Beth shook her head to cut him off. She could do this. She needed to do this. With Daryl's hand sliding reassuringly across her lower back, Beth spoke up as firmly as she could manage, "I was coming back from the little clinic they have. I was already on edge I guess, from all the people, and I saw one of those peacemakers up ahead. They remind me of... of the cops, back at the hospital, and-"
She broke off for a moment, but her gaze flicked to the couch that contained Noah, Hank, and Ivy. All three of them were sitting up straighter and they met her gaze with slow, reassuring nods that had her breathing out a sigh to compose herself. "I panicked a little." That was an understatement, but she didn't know how to explain it better. "I was scared and out of it, and I tripped and almost fell and one of the women who lives here grabbed my arm to try and catch me. But I was so out of it that I didn't realize she was trying to help. I- I panicked and I pushed her and she fell to the ground, and I guess she thought I was attacking her. She cried out for help, or something. I don't remember much of what happened, it's all kind of a blur for a bit, but the peacekeeper guy saw it and came up and grabbed me. He pinned my arms from behind..."
"Asshole wouldn't let go," Daryl said roughly, heat edging into his voice as his fingers tensed briefly against her back. "Treating her like a criminal, twisting her arms up behind her and not even caring she couldn't breathe."
Beth shrugged but she had to drop her gaze and step back; even talking about it was making her chest a little tighter.
"Those assholes." Maggie's voice cut through the silence, surprising Beth even more when her sister rose to her feet. "I'll go talk some damn sense into them right now!"
"Maggie..." Rick raised his eyebrow in warning, "Revenge isn't gonna help any of us right now, as much as we might all be just a little tempted."
A faint chuckle eased the tension of the group as Maggie sank slowly back into her seat, though only after she met Beth's gaze and got a reassuring little smile from her.
"Rick is right though," Beth said softly. "Revenge definitely won't help them trust us, and that's not really who we are, anyway. Besides... We have a big decision to make."
"And we are gonna make it," Rick added with a nod, "All of us. As a family. This is something we decide together, and everyone gets their chance to say their piece." With a slow gaze around at all of them, he asked, "Do we stay, or do we go?"
Beth felt Daryl shifting beside her to speak, but before he could Noah rose to his feet and cleared his throat. "I feel like... like I should apologize, for leading you all here." When a few people hastened to shake their heads and make denials, Noah raised his hands to stop them. "Look I swear, it wasn't like this when I was here. It was a good place. The walls had been up a couple months when I left, and we hadn't had any walkers get in for a bit, but everyone always had weapons just in case. They had groups in charge or runs and watching the walls, but no one called them the Peacekeepers or anything like that yet, before I left. We were starting the gardens, and growing our own food, and it was good."
"So what happened?" Michonne spoke from behind Rick.
"My Ma says something went... bad. They let two people in one night, two gys I guess. They said they just wanted to stay the night and then move on, but that night they let in some of their friends and raided the whole place. Killed a few people, took a ton of supplies and left. After that, no one felt right trusting the newcomers, so they started making rules about taking away their weapons and keeping them inside until they were trusted." Noah sighed and lowered himself to the edge of the couch again. "I guess that's also when they officially formed the peacekeepers. Ma said they used to be fine. Just normal people who were officially in charge of the walls, and keeping everyone safe. But the more safe they felt, the less people wanted to carry around weapons, you know? Everyone wanted to feel normal. But I think maybe being the only ones in control, the ones with most of the power... Maybe it went to their heads a bit."
Daryl snorted again. "Don't it always?"
Beth couldn't help but agree. She wanted to believe in the potential for good in people, and she did, but she knew very well just how much power could go to a person's head. Just what they'd do, to keep it. Like Dawn, letting women get raped under her roof just so she could keep up the status quo, or Dr. Edwards, having her kill that man just so he could keep his power as the only doctor.
Power could corrupt, she knew that well by now.
"Research shows that people with power tend to act like people who have received damage to their orbitofrontal lobes," Eugene spoke up unexpectedly, firing off the words in that sort of monotone rapid-speak that Beth was slowly becoming familiar with, "In essence they tend to be insensitive, overly impulsive, and are often induced to be more aggressive. Psychologists have done experiments where subjects are assigned the role of either prisoner or guard, and almost inevitably the guards descend into power abuse in the form of psychologically torturing those they see as under their control." The man broke off and ducked his head, shrugging his shoulders as he said, "Read an article about it once."
"But the fact remains," Carol remarked after a moment, "This place is the safest place we've found in awhile. There's walls, there's food and medical supplies, we've got roofs over our head. No one is trying to eat anyone..."
"Yet." Carl's muttered reply had Beth faintly smiling, as Daryl chimed in beside her, "But is it really safe? All it'll take is one big herd and this place could fall. All these people in here with no weapons, no way of protecting themselves."
Rick glanced up at Eugene and studied him for a moment before he remarked, "And there's no way to be sure about those peacekeepers. How much worse they might get, what they might do. We've all met men like that before."
"The Governor," Maggie and Michonne said at the same time, sharing an understanding look with one another.
"Joe's gang," Daryl murmured, his eyes on Rick even as Carl tensed beside them for a moment.
Beth frowned and reached out to gentle squeeze the boy's shoulder as she added softly, "The cops at Grady Memorial." Carl met her eyes for a moment and she gave him a slow nod, wanting him to know that she understood. That he wasn't alone. Whatever burden he might have, she shared it with him.
But then, her gaze shifted to Judith in his arms. Judy. That sweet, innocent angel of a girl who deserved a place where she could grow up safe and fed and clothed, with a roof over her head. "But..."
Daryl tensed beside her, and Beth couldn't look at him because she knew the disapproval she'd see in his eyes as she said, "But we have to think about Judith. Here, she has food and a roof over her head, and real toys, and clean clothing... She's safer than she's ever been out there when we were always on the move."
"Beth-" Daryl turned a little beside her, trying to get her to meet his eyes.
Drawing in a tight breath, she looked up at him and shook her head. "I can't put her at risk, Daryl. How can we do that to her? We have to think of her and keeping her safe."
"I'm thinking about keeping you safe," Daryl said lowly, his voice only for her ears as his hand brushed slowly up her arm. "Keeping all of us safe. But especially you."
"I know, Daryl. I..." She opened her mouth to say more, but from beyond them Tara spoke up nervously, "If we do decide to leave, where do we go?"
"Winter is coming soon," Carol said after a moment, with an apologetic look at Daryl when he turned his head to narrow his eyes at her. Beth turned as well but her expression was more understanding; she had a feeling Carol was just playing devil's advocate, challenging them to get to the heart of the matter. "If we don't find somewhere before then we'll have to last the winter outside of the safety of walls, with limited food..."
Rick just sighed. "I think we all know this is a complicated decision, and it isn't one we can make in an instant. Unfortunately we've only been given until tomorrow night, but at least we've got some time. Look." He surveyed the room again, meeting each and every one of their gazes. "Take tonight. Think it over. Discuss it with the people you're close to. Tomorrow morning we'll meet again, let anyone say anything else that is on their mind, and then we'll vote. Like a family. Okay?"
...
Beth could still hear murmured conversations from below as she and Daryl made their way up the stairs to their room. Neither of them was talking, and Beth couldn't fail to notice the tension between them. They weren't the types to keep things from each other anymore though, so Beth knew it would come out, and sure enough as soon as the door closed Daryl was turning right towards her. His voice was low and rough with frustration as he growled, "I ain't letting you sacrifice yourself to stay here, Beth. Bein' in this place, you know it's bad for you. For all of us!"
"But Judy-"
"Judy is safest with her family. With Rick and Carl and you, keeping her safe. Wherever we stay."
"Exactly!" Beth's voice took on a pleading tone as she tried to make him see the worries in her mind. "And she'd be even safer with us here, Daryl. There's food for her, and clothes, and other kids for her to grow up with, and I could take care of her..."
"But you ain't gonna take care of yourself?" Daryl was pacing back and forth now, and Beth had a flash of memory of that night at the shack, both of them drunk on moonshine and him pacing almost just like this. His voice got louder as he questioned, "How is that gonna help Judith, Beth? You trying to live in a place that makes you panic every time you step outside?"
Guilt swamped her and without thinking the words spilled from her lips, "Daryl I'm sorry-"
"No. Don't you dare. It ain't your fault, Beth." She saw the pain in his eyes as he raked his fingers through his hair and stopped to look her over. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I could see this place getting to you but I couldn't help you, I couldn't find a way to stop it. I should have been there, should have been with you when you needed me."
"Now you stop it. Right now, Daryl Dixon." Her guilt was forgotten in the face of his. Heat flashed in her blue eyes as she stared him down, stepping close until they were inches apart. Her hands clenched into fists at her side as she went on heatedly, "None of this is your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself, no matter how upset you are, no matter how afraid you are."
(The echoes of old words flashed through her mind from a time when they'd been standing almost just like this: I ain't afraid of nothing.)
Seeing the disagreement rising to his lips just as it had then, Beth lifted her hand and pressed her finger to his mouth with a shake of her head. "No. Daryl, you don't get to treat yourself like crap just because you're afraid, either." She saw the understanding in his eyes and knew he was remembering that same conversation, that same night when she'd undone the messy stitching in his chest and opened him up, pulling out the thoughts and fears he'd hidden away and holding them up to the light. (And later, helped him to burn them all away, piece by rotten piece.)
"This is not on you," she said softly, lowering her hand so her fingers could curl into his shirt instead. "You gotta stop blaming yourself, Daryl. Weboth do." She gave him a faint smile. "The self-blamer and the self-sacrificer, hm?"
With a low chuckle that rumbled through his chest, Daryl murmured, "What a pair."
"Mm, ain't that right." Beth sighed and closed the little gap between them. Her body pressed softly against his chest as she felt his hands come around to span her hips and then the small of her back. "But that's just another reason we're good," Beth murmured, tipping her head back so her nose brushed beneath the hard line of his jaw. "You stop me from sacrificing too much of myself, and I stop you from blaming yourself for things you can't help." She smiled and pressed a kiss to the soft, faintly-stubbled skin beneath his chin. "We make each other stronger."
He nodded, and she could feel some of the tension ease from his body as he replied, "Together." When she nodded against him, he murmured, "That's true of all of us, ain't it?"
Beth considered his words for a moment, and gave a slow nod. "I think we are, as a family. We're stronger together cause of everything we've been through, and how we've grown to know each other. They're the people I trust most, beyond you."
They stood there in quiet for a long moment just holding each other close as Beth faintly nuzzled into his neck and breathed him in deep, letting the familiar scent of him calm away her lingering tension.
"Beth, be honest with me."
"Always," she said without hesitation.
His hands stilled on her back and his voice was almost a murmur as he asked, "Do you think this place is really safe? For you, for us... for our family?"
She took a long moment to answer. Her eyes fluttered shut as she leaned into the crook of his neck and let herself really think about it. About more than just food and clothes and roofs over their heads; about the peacekeepers and the cops at Grady, about people in power, about what she'd heard of Terminus and what she remembered of the Governor. About her Daddy, the smile on his lips right before he died, all the things he'd said to her about family and safety.
"No." Her eyes stayed pressed tightly shut as she sighed in his arms. "I wish I did, though. I really, really wish I did. Because we need a place, Daryl. We deserve a place. We can't just keep running forever."
"I know." He rested his chin on top of her head and pulled her closer until she was tucked right up against him and his arms were wrapped around her slender waist. "But I don't think this place is it, Beth. No matter how much we wish it was. We ain't never gonna feel safe here, no matter how much we wish we could."
Beth's hands slid up his back as she breathed out in a sigh. "I wish we could find a place where we could."
As he tipped his head down and pressed a kiss to her forehead, she heard him murmur softly, "Me too."
...
The next morning, their conversation lingered in Beth's mind. Side-by-side they made their way back downstairs to where the group was meeting. This time they were gathered around in the kitchen table, eating a breakfast that Beth couldn't help noticing was much better than what they usually had on the road.
Her and Daryl stood in the doorway again, sharing a bowl of sliced apples from the few trees the community had. Their fingers brushed occasionally as they dipped into the bowl, and though Beth smiled (especially when she remembered the way his fingers had felt on her skin last night when they were in bed together), she couldn't stop thinking about everything on her mind; their decision, this place, the future.
"Now before we make a vote-" Rick's voice cut through the murmured conversations as he stood up from his seat at the table. "Does anyone have anything else they'd like to add?"
There was a moment of hesitation through the group, and then Beth spoke up softly, "I do." There was only a second of pause, and Daryl added beside her, "Me too."
She looked at him and their eyes held for just a moment; reassurance and understanding flashing between them as it always did. She knew they were on the same page for this, now. So she knew she had his support when she said, "I think that this vote, this decision we have to make... It's a chance. A chance to do something big. To find something to fight for and not just... settle with."
Beside her, Daryl nodded. "We know you're all tired of runnin'. We are, too. But it feels like we've just always been runnin' away from shit and just... settlin' wherever we end up."
"Exactly." Beth's arm pressed against his as she looked out over her family. "Maybe this is a chance for us to run towards something, finally. Something that's ours, something we find and build ourselves and make our own instead of just stumbling into and making do, like we did at the prison, or everywhere we ended up after."
"Leavin' this place might be a risk," Daryl chimed in again, his voice gruff but his words coming clear as he spoke his mind in a way he hadn't always done when it came to the group. "But stayin' here is a risk, too. An' if we go out there, maybe..."
Beth reached down and took his hand again. "Maybe we could make something good. Together."
There were just two seconds of silence, and then to her surprise she heard Maggie speak up. "Daddy said something to me, once." She looked at Rick as she ran her fingers through her short dark hair. "He said it to you too, Rick, back at the prison when everyone was getting sick and he just insisted on helping. He told us how every time we step outside, we're risking our lives. But we have the chance to choose what we're risking it for. So the question is..." She looked around and her gaze settled on Beth's for a moment as matching smiles crossed both of their lips. "Do we want to risk our lives for this place? Or do we want to risk them for someplace that could be better?"
Rick's gaze stayed steady on Maggie for a long moment before drifting to Daryl and to Beth as he gave a slow nod. "So I guess that's what we're voting on, then. What do we want to risk our lives for, as a family, together?" He hesitated a few seconds longer and then stood up straight with another decisive nod. "Okay then. Here we go." His gaze took in the entire room person by person before he said: "All in favor of leaving and striking out on our own again to try and make a home of our own, raise your hand."
Out of the corner of her eye, Beth saw Daryl lift his arm, and just a second later her own followed suit.
**A/N: I GUESS I KINDA ENDED ON ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER. Whoops! But I hope you all liked it, still. The next chapter will be the LAST CHAPTER of She's Breathing, but it (along with this chapter, too) will set up the sequel that I am already planning. I really hope you liked this one as much as I did, I had a sort of "full circle" feeling going on that I was really proud of, with Beth and Daryl especially.
