Chapter 10: Well this kinda sucks
When people imagine suffering they think of torture, hunger, thirst, death and poverty. They see the world through their experiences and everyone interprets it differently. When people think of suffering they think of pain, mental and emotional trauma, depression and illness. There are so many kinds of suffering and many leave a permanent scar on your heart. Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls and suffering helps us to be more grateful for what we have. The worst kind of suffering (A/N: In my opinion) is the loss of someone dear to you, you suffer mentally and emotionally, you can become depressed and it becomes an illness gnawing at your brain, your heart.
Stella could not wake, what she could see, what she could hear, it was twisting her inside-out. It chilled her to the very bone. The worst part: She couldn't move. She could do nothing to stop what was happening, she was frozen in place. It was terrifying to have lost the ability to move. Stella tried to speak but she couldn't hear her voice. All she could do was watch.
The nurse bustled about in the ward, talking to patients, coaxing them until finally she reached the end of the ward. It was covered by a curtain. The nurse stepped inside and looked at the sleeping patient. She had long brown hair and although her eyes were closed Stella knew they were chocolate brown.
"Mother." She mouthed but still no sound came out. It was Celine, lying in a bed, in Saint Mungos Hospital. Stella raised her hand, it was transparent. She frowned. That was when she first noticed the stinging, the burning sensation in her eyes. She rubbed them gently but that didn't help. Stella was a ghost in her mother's ward. As if that wasn't bad enough, Stella was pretty sure she wasn't dead which left one other option. This was a vision. Which meant this sucked. Stella breathed deeply. From what she could remember, her mother had said that speech wasn't possible in a vision however it did come out in the present. Any action that Stella did in her vision, her body would mimic in the present. If she cried, real tears would appear. If she yelled, a real yell would be heard. Stella breathed deeply again. She needed to be in control and then when the vision ended she needed to find Remus.
She watched as the nurse pulled the covers up to Celine's chin and left. As soon as she was gone Celine woke up, she looked around cautiously.
"Stella." She whispered. "I can't see you but I know you can see this." Stella blinked. "I can't go on; I have to… to end my life." Stella opened her mouth. Was her mother crazy? "Don't say anything, call me crazy, call me weak but I cannot live. I have seen it; if I live Voldemort will take me and use me for his own twisted needs. However if I'm not alive then he can't and many crisis can be averted." Stella blinked back tears. What was her mother saying? Was that really the only solution? Celine took a small bottle out of her purse which was on her bedside table. Without even reading the label Stella knew it was poison. "I know you think that I'm abandoning you, that there must be another solution but there isn't, or at least not one that will work. Before I go however I want to say some things to you. Firstly, stay at Hogwarts; you'll be safe there with Dumbledore around. Secondly, don't do anything rash. Thirdly, since a war has started your visions will be more frequent, use them wisely. Fourthly, as a Clairvoyant you can sometimes answer questions about the future without a vision, but don't try to, it can drive you insane. And finally." Celine looked at her locket which had a picture of Stella and Seraphion inside. "Stella, I love you, you mean the world to me. I love you and Seraphion; please tell him for me after I actually die. Also don't bring up my decision to end my life when you see me, it must be done for the greater good. I'm so proud of you my love, so very proud." Celine uncorked the bottle and smiled. "Just remember I want you to have a happy future and I will always love you." She downed the bottle and fell back as if falling asleep again. Stella choked, she didn't care that this was a vision; she didn't want her mother to die ever.
"Don't leave." Stella screamed but no noise came out. She sobbed, she couldn't stop her tears, they just flooded out. She couldn't move still, she was confined to a space and she could never leave. She let out a howl of frustration waking her dorm mates in the present. Stella wanted to go up to Voldemort and kick his sorry ass for making her mother believe there was no alternative. She couldn't do anything, despite this power to see she had never felt more powerless in her life. Suddenly she could feel other things. People were shaking her in the present. It drove her senses mental. Stella ignored them though, she just wanted her mother to wake up and say it was a terrible joke. Something. Anything.
"Stella!" Someone was yelling but Stella couldn't answer she was in shock. She is pain and she couldn't do a thing. Through puffy eyes Stella looked for an indication of when the bad thing happened. She saw a calendar, it gave the date as January the 3rd, Stella wouldn't have a mother for her birthday. She chocked up again. Stella felt like lying on the floor and dying herself but she couldn't.
"Someone get a teacher." A voice in the present said and Stella heard scrambling. The future was fading but Stella didn't want it to, she didn't want to have to experience the pain all over again in a month. Then Stella realised. It was exactly a month away but before then they had Christmas. She was now determined to go home for Christmas no matter what her parents said. The vision faded so that it was nothing more than a blur. Stella felt herself being picked up by someone but then she blacked out.
Stella began crying before she woke up again. She woke up to see a dozen people surrounding her bed. They were too blurry to make out. She tried to sit up but firm hands pushed her down.
"Rest dear." Came the matron's voice. Stella looked at her. She shook her head and waved Madam Pomfrey's hands away.
"I'd rather not go back to sleep." Stella muttered. Her voice was so hollow and hoarse that she sounded nothing like herself. She took in the faces of everyone around her. Sirius, James, Peter, Remus, Tina, Lily, Mary, Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey, McGonagall, Torvin for some unknown reason and a random student who was curious as to what was going on.
"Stella are you okay?" Lily asked quietly. Stella just stared at her as if she'd never seen her before. James attempted to lighten the mood.
"Gee Stella you're so quiet, it's not like you." He said and Stella turned to face him. "I mean I didn't know you blacked out but it was quite funny."
"Funny?" Stella asked. James didn't know that he should have just shut up.
"Yeah you act so tough but then when you're asleep you're adorable and vulnerable." He continued. "Then sort of bang black out which is funny because you were sleeping so you were already blacked out." He grinned. "Double black out." Stella stared at him until his grin faltered.
"I don't find that funny." She said.
"Oh come on you find everything funny, if someone died you'd find a way to make it funny." James said. Stella stared for a moment then- SMACK. She punched James clean in the face breaking his glasses and sending him to the floor.
"You son of a bitch." Stella said. "Why would someone dying be funny?" James stood up slowly.
"Okay bad example, but you find something funny in everything." He said.
"I find things funny?" Stella asked. "I wonder how funny it would be if I pitched you off the Astronomy tower." James took a step back.
"What's got your wand in a twist?" He asked.
"At this moment in time?" Stella asked. "You and your stupid comments." James looked at her.
"What is wrong with you?" He asked. "You're like so pissed off right now."
"Side effect of being around you." Stella said.
"Uh Stella?" Sirius asked.
"What?" She asked.
"Do you feel okay?" He asked. Stella stared at him.
"Do I look okay to you?" She asked. "Do I sound okay to you?"
"No you look and sound terrible." Remus said. "Maybe you should rest some more." Stella's mind went mad, she didn't want to relax she didn't want to rest; she would fall asleep and be haunted by nightmares. However if she did rest the others would leave although Remus might stay. She reasoned this over and over.
"I can't." Stella said finally. "I just can't." With that she broke and curled up, sobbing into her knees. Her friends exchanged worried glances. Tina went over and hugged her.
"Hey come on this isn't like you." Tina said gently. "Tell me what's wrong."
"I- I can't." Stella sobbed. "Jus- just go a-away." Dumbledore cleared his throat.
"Perhaps we should just leave Stella in peace for a while so she can calm down." The Gryffindor's exchanged glances.
"No thanks." James said eventually.
"If she's sad we need to cheer her up." Sirius added.
"And making people laugh is what we do best." Remus said. Stella looked at them so sadly, she didn't think she would ever be happy again. Then she looked at Dumbledore. An understanding passed.
"That is very nice of you however I think Stella would rather be left alone." He said. "She is not in the mood to be cheered up."
"No." James said.
"When Stella tells us what's wrong we'll leave." Sirius said. "We want to know what's wrong."
"So then we can cheer her up." Peter said.
"I don't know." Mary said. "Maybe we should leave."
"But then how will we know how to cheer her up?" Lily asked.
"If there was ever a time to tell the truth now would be it." Tina said. "You can trust us." Stella raised her head. Hadn't McGonagall said something similar to her last year, something about trusting others with the truth.
"If I tell you." Stella said slowly. "You can't tell anyone." They all nodded. "And you can't pity me." They looked at her strangely but nodded none the less. "Finally what I'm about to tell you will probably creep you out and well, you'll understand when I tell you, but if you don't think we can be friends afterwards." Her voice shook. "Then get out after I'm done, you still can't tell anyone." It came with an underlying threat. They all nodded. "Alright then you see the truth is I'm a... Ah crap I don't feel like explaining this again." She sighed. "Remus you explain." Remus nodded.
"Wait you knew?" Sirius asked.
"Not everything like I know why she blacked out but I'm not entirely sure on what she saw." They gaped at Remus.
"Why'd she tell you?" Tina asked.
"Oh I was just sort of there and she was ranting." Remus lied smoothly. Then Remus explained how Stella was Clairvoyant and saw the future. When he was done they all stared at her.
"Stella." Sirius said. Stella looked at him. "That is amazing." Stella looked confused. "I mean you can see the future." He hopped onto her bed and cuddled Stella. "And I understand that it's scary but now you have us to look after you." Stella curled into Sirius.
"So I'm guessing you had a vision." James said. Stella nodded slowly. She could hear Sirius' heartbeat, it was steady and that calmed her down.
"What did you see that made you so pissed off?" James asked. Stella sobbed again and Sirius rubbed her shoulders gently.
"You can tell us." He said softly. Stella gulped.
"What I saw, what I know, I can't change, she told me I shouldn't." She said shakily. She looked at Dumbledore. "I saw my mother commit suicide to escape Voldemort." Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.
"She could avoid that fate, she could be protected." He said.
"At what cost?" Stella asked. "She saw that Voldemort would take her, she knows it will happen. If Voldemort does get her think about how much danger we would be in." Stella paused for breath; she was coming to terms with her mother's decision. It made sense. "She said I would be safe here." Stella said indicating around the room. "Hogwarts will be safe wont it?" She asked.
"I will not allow anyone to break into our school." Dumbledore said. Everyone was silent after the exchange.
"Oh my god Stella, I'm so sorry for what I said." James said.
"What did I say about pity?" Stella asked.
"No I'm not pitying you I just realised why you punched me in the face." James said. Sirius hugged her close and Tina joined in again.
"That sucks." Remus said. He too joined in the hugging so it looked like a pile on. James jumped on top.
"Guys get off me." Stella said. "You're suffocating me."
"No this is really comfy." James said.
"You're on top though." Sirius growled.
"Sirius you make it sound like we're having sex." James said.
"Doing the do with Sirius Black." Peter said through silent laughter. The teachers stood around awkwardly.
"I think we should be going Albus." McGonagall said. "Stella is in safe hands." Dumbledore smiled.
"Yes I think she'll be fine." He said and they swept out of the hospital wing. Lily shook her head in exasperation.
"Potter why don't you get off Stella before you kill her." She said. James grinned and stood up.
"Why of course my Lily flower." He said.
"I'm not your Lily flower." Lily said.
"Whatever." He grinned. They all laughed. Then they heard a small noise. It sounded like a dog growling. When they looked they could see that Stella had fallen asleep, her head was rested on Sirius' chest. Carefully Sirius slipped out from under her and Tina wrapped the blanket around her. The students left Stella to sleep and dream of something better than what she had seen.
