UPDATE: Nov-13-11 Well, it's back, and FIXED! I know It's been a long time, and I know ya'll probably hate me now for making you wait, and I KNOW ya'll hate me for reposting a chapter many of ya have already read. . . but I really was so bad that Even I couldn't stand it.

Well, It's fixed, more or less, and readable now. Plus I've been working on other things, so I haven't had time to write new content, as much as I want to. This year I'm working on the NaNoWriMo, and unlike last year, I know what I'm doing.

I'm over half way done! XD

But on with the show! NEW content should be up near the first of the year, till then, please forgive me. I am the pus from the wart on the butt of the earth for making you wait! But that WILL change! *Strikes a pose of youthful manliness, despite bing a girl*

Please enjoy! T_T


ORIGINAL MESsAGE: I've been having MASSIVE writer's block as of late, and have attacked the supposed next chapter over and over and over. I've had to make a tactical retreat from the main plot for now because it's just not coming together. I will again advance towards it at a latter date, but at present my abilities have been called to a different front.

I was going add the following character to the story latter on, but there's no way to avoid it now. With this chapter I'm going to accomplish two things in one... First off I'll reestablish my self in the time line of Cannon Naruto, then I'm going to show a glimpse of how far we will diverge from it down the road.

With my writer's block being so impressively impassive, and my unholy distaste for every thing Naruto has recently become, has driven me to this point. You can thank Kishi him self, if you would like. Or yell at my half dead muse. But It won't change the fact that I've got nothing better than this to give you at the moment.

I'm sorry.

So, with out further a due, I bring you the next, very VERY short, chapter: Unto Uchiha

Side Note: I'm keeping the words censored so that I don't have to slap a mature ratting on this puppy. If you don't like that... to ******* bad, ass hole.

Kiss kiss. ^_~

…...

Unto Uchiha: Part one

The wind blew harsh over sun baked rocks for miles upon miles. Searing heat lapped up what little life giving water there was, and robbed the land of hope. Bones, massive in size and bleached white by the scouring rays, stood like a warning. Below them, tucked under the chalky ridge of spine, was a door.

Past the door, descending deep in to cold dry darkness, lay black walls and floors, decorated with flame red clouds.

"Oh you have got to be ******* kidding me. You lost them BOTH!"

A light shown at the edge of the hall, dim at first, but brighter as one would draw near.

"I'd like to see you do better."

The hall opened to a sparse, yet well lit living aria. Standing around a battered kitchen table three men glared down at a gray haired head, stitched back together roughly, laying in the center of the lifted wooden surface.

"Better?" Long blond hair vibrated. Diedra glared down, lips pulled back in a snarl. "In case you haven't noticed I had my arms severed and my partner was killed."

Hidan glowered up from the table. "Oh, poor you. You lost ARMS. Hello, jack ass, I lost my whole body! And my partner too!"

"You also lost two jincuriki!" Diedra snapped. "You HAD the two tailed cat." He slammed his palms down on the wood, winced as the shock of the move reverberated up his still mending arms, and leaned even closer to the dismembered head. "What in the hell happened out there?"

Hidan sneered and tried to look away, but the lack of a neck kept his head stuck facing the seething bomb expert. "Kazuko wanted to go off and collect some more ******* money. There was a reward out to catch the son of the Hokage or some thing."

"So." Itachi's voice rolled between the two, dry sounding, bordering disintrest. "You fought with the man, Who's name is Asuma, correct?"

"No, yes." Hidan sighed, frustrated. "We went to find Asuma, but we were intercepted by some sort of super powerful FREAK of nature. Ugly little thing, had a scar on his nose. Looked like a damned kid to me."

"You both were taken out by one kid?" Diedra snorted. "Dumb ass."

"OH SHUT THE HELL UP!" Hidan glared viciously up at his decidedly taller co-villein. "You got taken out by a couple of ********* kids your self. Sasori was killed by a girl. A pink haired girl and an old woman! AND YOU LOST THE ONE TAIL!"

Diedra nearly shook with self righteous anger. "I fought the nine tailed Fox's Jincuriki, bastard. And the Sharingan Kakashi! Sasori was up against his own grandmother! She was both a poison expert AND a puppet master! How in the Hell were we supposed to fight back, huh? We'd already done battle with the one tail. We were at our limit!"

Hidan curled his lips cruelly. "You could have called for back up. I would have been right there to watch them hand your ass to you. Then Kazuko and I would have picked up your bits, killed the brats troubling you, and then been the most awesome ninjas of all freaking time! Your eyes would have beheld my awesome greatness!."

"News flash, you hat warmer, we picked up your bits and brought YOU back home. Who's the ********* awesome ninja now? Who's the ninja who fought and KILLED a jinchuriki, and then fought and SURVIVED a second Jinchuriki, AND the Copy Cat Ninja all in one week?" Diedra tossed his hair with a snort. "I'm far more ninja then you will EVER be."

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I hurt your feelings?" Hidan blinked up with big, round eyes. "I forgot I have to be kind to you because deep down your just one big chick with a dick. And we all have to be nice to girls."

Diedra lunged for Hidan's head but Itachi grabbed his still injured arm and twisted. As the bone made a horrible crackling sound, Diedra let out a howl and dropped to his knees. Hidan cackled. "Serves you right, jack ass."

Kisame, who was picking his teeth with the nail of his little finger, till now content to silently watch the shouting match, grinned. "All these losses from Konoha. Itachi, your old village is trouble."

"Yeah really, Itachi, what the hellman?" Hidan asked, straining to look up at him from the corner of his eyes. "Your village did this. I call for revenge on your sucky village."

"It's not my village." He replied dryly while still holding Diedra, who was snarling and glaring and not moving. "I have nowish to be associated with them." He added darkly. Then, to Diedra, "Oh quit giving me that look, you know we aren't allowed to team kill."

"But it's HIDAN!" He growled. "He's already DEAD!"

"Huh, good point. Go for it." He let Diedra go with a small shove. "Just don't get his brains all over the couch again, that's hard as hell to clean up."

"You son of a bitch!" Hidan snarled as Dirdra reached for him.

Just before hands could grab skin and skull a puff of mist erupted on the far side of the table. Zetsu, or rather a clone of Zetsu, stood peering at them, only half visible. Light dimmed, but still managed to pass through him. The white half grinned.

"Am I interrupting some thing?"

Itachi pulled Diedra back, some what more carefully this time. "We were discussing our tactical short comings and losses."

Kisame coughed to hide a laugh.

"I see." The black half gazed at them impassively. "Well, if you are worried about your losses then I have good news. In about an hour I will return with three new members to bolster out numbers, hand picked by HQ members."

"Crap." Kisame grimaced. "We're getting rookies, aren't we?"

"Yes and No." The white half beamed. "I'll be brining a new team, and a partner for Diedra."

"What abut me?" Hidan asked, trying to look behind him self. "Don't I get a new partner?"

Zetsu looked down at him. Both halves blinked. "No." The dark half replied. The white half frowned. "There's nothing you can do, right now."

"Door stop." Diedra offered.

"HQ is working on securing you a new body." White Zetsu went on. "Until then. . ."

"Vollyball." Diedra smirked. "Personal ass warmer."

"Stop." Itachi chided. "Who are the new guys and what can they do?"

Black Zetsu answered. "There is Konan the Paper folder. She. . ."

"A girl?" Kisame blurted. "We're getting a girl? Dibs."

"We have a girl." Hidan argued, and looked up at Diedra.

Diedra lunged again but Itachi caught him.

Kisame shrugged. "Not in to chicks with dicks, man."

Hidan, deprived of shoulders to shrug with, settled for shrugging his eyebrows instead.

"I hate all of you!" Diedra howled.

"My I continue?" Black Zetsu asked, unamused.

"Please." Itachi Twisted Diedra's arm till the bomb expert dropped again to his knees, cursing and snarling.

"Thank you. Next is Yahiko, a master at much, an expert in little, but he can create an amazing array of shields and barriers for both protection and trapping."

"Cannon fodder." Hidan said. "Meat shield."

"Mostly." The white half agreed. "However Konan and Yahiko work together, they insist that they do, and combined they are an incredible force."

The black half added, "A force that will be used primarily to correct the mistakes you have made."

Diedra started to protest, but Itachi twisted his arm again.

"And for his partner?" Kisame asked, pointing down at the subdued bomb user.

Both Zetsu halves were silent for a moment. Then, voices together, hushed, they replied "Tobi."

Diedra looked up, tears threatening to spill from the pain. Breathlessly he asked, "What's a Tobi?"

Nether half replied.

Itachi's eyes narrowed.

"Well, what in the hell's going to happen to me?" Hidan blurted, indignantly ripping the silence apart.

"Oh, well, we DO have special orders for you." White Zetsu beamed once more.

"And?" Hidan asked.

"Because your head will rot away leaving only your skull, unless we do some thing to help preserve you, we have orders to keep you in the refrigerator!"

Hidan's jaws dropped as much as it could while set on the table. "What?"

Kisame gaped. "No way, no way in hell! He'll gnaw on the food!"

"We could put him in Tupperware." Itachi offered after a moment of thought. He spotted Diedra ginning and let him go.

The bomb expert stood, beaming with pleasure, having forgotten all about the prospect of a new partner, and picked Hidan up by the hair. "I'm putting you next to the pickled shark!"

"THE **** YOU ARE!" Hidan snarled. "ITACHI! KISAME! DO SOME THING!"

"Orders are orders." Kisame replied, wincing.

Diedra vanished in to the kitchen, humming merrily to him self.

Kisame sighed, looking a bit crest fallen. "I just know he's going to try to eat my pie. Bastard. I'd better go put it in some thing he can't chew through." With heavy steps he followed Diedra.

Itachi turned to Zetsu and scowled. "Tobi? So that's the name he came up with?"

Zetsu started to fade out. "I did ask you if you had one better. Do you?"

Itachi glared. "No."

"Well then, you had better get used to it." His voice was thin, fading like his presence.

Itachi turned full body towards the half plant and stared. "Just tell me one thing."

"What's that?"

"What IS he man? I heard a rumor this guy was an Uchiha."

As the last of Zetsu faded from view the dark half's voice floated out. "You know your orders regarding him. Follow them. Don't ask. . ."

"Yeah yeah yeah." Itachi sighed. Zetsu was gone and there were sounds of impending violence coming from the other room. Diedra cried out in pain, Hidan laughed hysterically, and Kisame cursed declared vengeance for all things banana cream.

"****, why me?" Setting his shoulders Itachi braced him self. "IF EITHER OF YOU JACK ASSES BRAKE SOME THING, THEN I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU YOUR OWN PERSONAL VERSIONS OF HELL!"