"You're still up?" Topanga asked, surprised, as she opened her daughter's bedroom door. She had mostly expected to find Riley asleep having forgotten her bedroom light on. It sometimes happened when she laid down on her bed to read. It was almost ten thirty, so technically Riley was still within her school night lights out limits, but, for all that she had initially celebrated the relaxation of her bedtime and curfew that had come with the start of high school, Riley, for the most part, still followed her former schedule unless Maya was over for the night.
"Yeah," Riley answered, pushing her chair back from her desk.
"Homework?" Topanga asked curiously, noting the strained edge to Riley's tone. Her daughter was handling the increased difficulty that was high school academia pretty well, but her frustration with Spanish still, occasionally, reared its head.
"No I finished that," she told her. "I'm trying to figure out stuff with me."
"Oh? Anything I can help you with?" she offered, moving to sit at the bay window. "What did Cory screw up this time?"
Riley laughed, and got up to join her mother on the seat, cuddling close. "Am I a bad person, mom?"
"What? Of course not," she answered immediately. "Why would you think that?"
"Because I keep hurting my friends," she answered sadly.
"Is this still about the cookie?" Topanga inquired, "because Cory said that was resolved."
"Only because Maya helped," Riley sighed.
"Well sometimes you need help to solve things. That is what family and friends are for."
"I guess," she agreed. "But mom, that doesn't change me hurting them. I hurt Maya again and I didn't even realise it until Zay said it. But when I called Maya to talk about it, she said that everything was fine and that I shouldn't bother about it.
"And you don't think it is?" she prodded carefully. "Maya doesn't usually pull punches when it comes to things like that."
"That was before," Riley answered her, twisting her hands in her lap. "But maybe she just doesn't deal with it. Maybe she's starting to get tired of me, even if she doesn't want to say it."
"What gives you that idea?"
"Because I think I would be if I were her. When Farkle was walking me here he said it seems like I'm doing the same thing over and over again."
"And what's that same thing?"
"Telling her who she is," she answered. "First I told her she was turning into me. Then today I basically said that I think she's evil. I didn't even stop to think if she would mind, far less actually be hurt by it."
"Riley," Topanga sighed, "we are too much alike in some ways."
"What do you mean?" she asked. "Everybody always says I'm like daddy."
"You're more obviously like Cory," Topanga corrected. "But I'm in there too," she teased, poking her chest just above where her heart was. "And just like me when I was your age, sometimes you don't consider the harm what you're doing can cause."
"Like?"
"Like the time I almost got Shawn's pet taken away by Animal Control."
"What?" Riley gasped. "Why would you do that?"
"Wait, let me explain," Topanga begged, taking in her daughter's affronted expression. "It was around the time when Cory and I had made things really official between us as boyfriend and girlfriend. Shawn started to feel neglected and he went and got himself a pig to compensate. He named the thing Cory…or was it Little Cory?" she said, tapping at her cheek thoughtfully. "Regardless, I found the whole thing preposterous. Shawn didn't have the means to care for that pig, and he just wouldn't see reason about it. Cory refused to convince him either way because yeah, the pig could be trouble, but still, it made Shawn happy. I knew I had to do something and since they wouldn't listen to reason, I made the call."
"And they were mad at you?"
"Very mad at me," she replied. "You see Riley, I didn't stop to think about why Shawn wanted that pig. The entire thing just seemed ridiculously stupid but if I had taken a moment to really understand the situation, I'd have realised that Shawn was lonely since Cory and I were spending so much time together. And since Shawn wasn't really the type back then to just admit that, he went and bought himself a pig to love instead. Cory helped me realise what I was doing wrong, sort of like Farkle with you this afternoon. And once I realised why he'd named the pig Cory, well, I had to help save the pig. I couldn't let him feel as if he was losing Cory twice."
"So you stopped it?"
"Yeah, got your Uncle Jon involved and we tricked the guy," she said happily. "So you see, we're not that different after all."
"I guess not," Riley responded thoughtfully. "Things were fine after that?"
"Things were never not fine," Cory said from the door, startling the both of them. Mother and daughter turned to see him leaning casually against the open door in his pyjamas, chewing on a chocolate bar. "That was just a little bump in the road. Hardly worth mentioning in comparison to some of the other things we had to deal with."
"What?" Riley said confused, even as Topanga acknowledged the truth of his words. Sometimes it amazed her how trivial things that had nearly broken them and their friendships apart seemed now that so much time had passed. "You guys were perfect."
"Maybe we spent too much time on the good stories," Topanga told Cory, contorting her mouth guiltily.
"Yeah...good thing we have Auggie," he joked. "Everyone says the first kid is just to experiment on anyway."
"Hey!" Riley protested.
"What are we talking about anyway?" Cory asked, taking a next bite of his treat.
"About Riley and Maya," Topanga responded, giving her husband a knowing look.
Cory exhaled deeply at that, his cheeks puffing out. "What story did you use?"
"Little Cory."
"Ooooh Cory!" he said enthusiastically. "Shawn's planning on swinging by the farm he's on next weekend."
"The pig is still alive?" Riley asked doubtfully.
"Why wouldn't he be?" Cory returned quizzically. "He'll be around long after you, you know. An eternal sign of Shawn and I."
"Oh boy," Topanga muttered. "He's going to go off the deep end when that pig dies."
"Whatcha saying Topi?"
"Absolutely nothing honey," she sing-songed in response, while, beside her, Riley giggled.
"Anyway Riley, did Topanga help?"
"Yeah, she did," Riley answered, and Topanga smiled as she felt Riley press her cheek against her shoulder. "I think I know what I need to do now. I can't just apologise to Maya again. I need to actually show her that I'll respect who she is, no matter what."
"Sweetie I know it's hard," Cory told her. "And I know you've been having a rough time lately with all the changes happening, with yourself, with Maya, with everyone. But trust me when I say it's going to get easier. You just can't fight it okay? It's not like before when Maya showed up herewith a cop. She's not doing anything remotely troublesome."
"Josh aside," Topanga muttered, too soft for her daughter to hear.
"She's doing well in school, she has Shawn and her mom, and she has you guys, like always. She's doing fine Riley. You don't need to worry about her."
"That's hard not to do."
"Yeah, but it's the way to go if you want to keep her," Cory advised. "Riley, I've been there with Shawn. The tighter you hold on, the more you try to impose your thoughts and beliefs onto hers is the more she's going to fight against it, and the more she'll start to resent you. So unless that's the outlook you're looking for honey, you really need to stop."
"I will," Riley said, decisiveness in her tone. "It's just...I don't even realise it sometimes."
"Well you know what you're doing now," Topanga said, patting her knee. "So, for your sake, and Maya's, I hope you can find a way to stop."
Josh had given her directions to some small hole in the wall cafe place that was fairly popular among students, except perhaps at nine of a Saturday morning. They were probably all still abed recovering from the parties and other activities that had happened the night before. And so, Josh was easy to spot, seated alone in a far corner of the café. Nodding her head politely at the server behind the counter, she went to him, and saw that he had already ordered for them. Mugs of what she hoped was hot chocolate alongside a plate of pastries was carefully arranged about the table in front of him.
"Hey," she greeted, trying not to let her listlessness show as she slid into her seat.
It was a dour morning, in more than one ways. Resolving the tension between Riley and Zay had been a bit more taxing than she had anticipated. Adding to that was the fact that, strangely, she had found the entire dilemma almost childish in light of what she and Liam had been talking about lately. And yet, hadn't that always been the case? She loved Riley's innocence and her rather unique outlook on life. It had been an escape for her for so long. Watching Riley agonise over problems that barely registered as an issue on her end had always given her a chance to see how 'normal' people lived. But then again, that had been back when she had thought that having two parents was the height of normality. She didn't find it quite as amusing anymore, but, at least, she could see where Riley was maturing a bit as a result of it. That would always be a good thing.
That wasn't the only reason for her listlessness of course. There was the now common crisis of balancing club activities with school work, homework, studying, maintaining her hobbies, managing what essentially was two distinct social lives while still finding time to give individual attention to her mom and Shawn, Riley, and more recently, Shane. It was honestly exhausting in a way she hardly remembered feeling before. She couldn't help but wonder how her fellow schoolmates managed to keep on top of everything and still manage to get copious amounts of sleep. Perhaps that was something to investigate.
"How ya been?" he asked conversationally, pushing the plate towards her.
For want of something to do she bit into one, barely resisting a grimace. As much as she loved cheese paste sandwiches, she didn't quite have the same enthusiasm for tuna. Regardless, she was not one to turn down food (unless Topanga was experimenting) and so, she ate it. Josh mimicked her actions, but, soon enough they were both done with chewing and he was looking at her expectantly for an answer to his initial question.
"It's been a rough week," she admitted, taking a sip of her drink to wash down the paste. Nope, that was not an ideal combination but, oh well.
"What happened?" he asked. "Why didn't you call me? I would have helped."
"Because I don't know what we are anymore," Maya said bluntly, getting directly to the point. Maybe it was because she had had more personal conversations in the past two or so months than she had had in her entire life, but right about now, she was tired of the dance around that happened before getting down to the real matter at hard. And so, she looked at him levelly. "You want to end the long game; it's the only reason you'd want time to think and ask me to do the same. So how about we just get to the point?"
"Maya," Josh sighed, frowning. "You make it sound like I'm trying to get rid of you. Like I want this to happen."
"No," she said firmly, scowling, "don't even try to pin this on Matthews. You wouldn't be here with me like this if some part of you didn't want this to happen."
"I'm not blaming anything on Cory," he defended. "But what he told me makes a lot of sense."
"And what was that?"
Josh didn't answer her question directly, but instead said, "I don't know if I'm good for you Maya, not right now."
That had not exactly been what she had expected to hear. In all the possible scenarios she had thought about in her spare moments over the past few days, none of them had had Josh putting himself at fault. She had expected everything from him bringing up the age difference again, to her being too immature for him, or him just not wanting to risk his family's wrath.
"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.
"Just what I said," he said with some sadness. "Do you remember our conversation in the woods? When you said you were afraid that one day I'd look at you and be shocked that you hadn't moved on?"
"Vaguely," she acknowledged. Too much had happened that day for her to remember more than snippets of certain events, and while she clearly knew how her time spent with Josh had ended, the steps leading up to that were a bit fuzzy.
"Well, the opposite's happened," Josh admitted wryly. "I'm the one who hasn't moved on Maya, and because of that, I'm trying to cling to what you can give me."
"I don't understand," she admitted, leaning back against her chair.
Josh sighed. "College's a lot harder than I've been letting on Maya, even to you. I graduated high school early so I'm the youngest in everything even if I try to hide that fact. There are so many people here who came to the school with friends already. All of mines are still living it up in Philadelphia, and only a couple are even thinking of heading to New York after graduation, and even then, if they do, I'd be a year ahead. It was too much new too fast, but I didn't just want to admit that and hide out at Cory's forever."
"Wow," Maya breathed, a bit surprised. Josh had never been this open about the difficulties of university life before. Sure he complained about his roommate, assignments and early morning classes, but more often than not, he'd always come back and report that he'd gotten great feedback or did great on a test or whatever. It always seemed to balance out. But now...Josh sounded almost lonely. "So that's why you were saying all of that last week," she said musingly.
"Not my brightest moment," he acknowledged, rubbing at his neck sheepishly.
"And I'm a part of that?"
"Sort of," he shrugged. "Maya, I walked into Cory's class for that trip and you know what the one constant was? You. There was a time where Riley's face would light up the room whenever she saw me, but she just...didn't seem to care. But then there was you with your silly little monkey sounds and that smile of yours that's way too cute for your own good."
"So you think I'm cute?" she couldn't help but tease.
"I do recall saying you grew up gorgeous," he retorted, causing her to grin broadly for a moment. "But yes," he continued, growing a bit more serious, "you were the one unchanged element and I wanted to keep that. Don't think that was the only reason though. I also wanted to be around for you a bit more because you seemed so confused, so lost, and I suppose it reminded me of how I felt. Lost. Alone. Uncertain about everyone and everything. So I offered the long game, not really realising that I hoped we'd bring stability to each other's lives."
"But we have, haven't we?" she asked gently. "Josh, you help me so much."
"And you do as well for me," he responded, "even if it's just staying on skype with me while we're both doing our thing."
"So why can't we keep that?"
"Because you're way ahead of me now," he told her, "and that's saying something since I'm in college."
"What do you mean?"
"Maya. You're not still lost. You have new friends. You have your old friends back. You have clubs, and duties, and a family you can call your own now. You even have boys chasing after you. You aren't alone now. You don't need what I'm offering. You may want it, but you don't need it."
"Josh-"
"And that's because you're willing to move forward. You aren't clinging to the past like I am. You aren't running around warning people not to grow up," he added, causing her to chuckle. "Even at the Lodge, you were willing to leave Riley and Lucas - heck all of them - in the past. And while you guys did fix things, you still made sure you kept the life you created for yourself in the interim, and now you have a mesh of the two. What am I doing? I talk to people. I have acquaintances, not friends, because I still think that my real friends are back in high school. I'm spending my time regretting what could have been instead of what I have right now, and me clinging to you is just a part of that.
"Maya, you have the greatest capacity for love that I've ever seen, and sometimes I wonder where you get that from. Maybe it's because your dad left, and you've learnt just how important love is and how to truly value it, but, whatever the reason, I am so grateful to you for sharing that with me. That doesn't change the fact that I don't think this long game is fair to you any longer, or good for me. You need to keep living in the present, without worrying about the past or the future. And I need to start living in the present as well."
Maya leant back, watching but not really seeing him as she considered what he was saying. He sounded so sincere, so fervent in what he was saying, and yet…and yet... She huffed, her shoulders shaking with the movement before she re-focussed on him. "You realise you're hitting me with the it's not you it's me line, right?"
"Maya-"
She scoffed, folding her arms. "Such pretty words from you."
"I mean them Maya."
"You believe you mean them," she replied with a half-smile. "But I know what this really is. What did Matthews tell you huh? That I'm weak? That'd I break if you told me you didn't want anything to do with me any longer?"
"I do want you in my life Maya."
"No you don't," she snapped, and rose, stalking out the café because she was no longer certain she could keep her tone appropriate for the setting.
She didn't expect the conversation to end there, but she had the time to cross the street and head in the general direction of greenery before Josh caught up to her. "Maya," he said, panting slightly, "Please, let's just talk about this."
"About what?" she snapped, not looking at him. "I'll give you credit for the attempt Josh. But you and Matthews aren't that different from Riley, and she I know inside out. You think that making yourself seem pathetic will pacify me. That it wouldn't bother me if you took the onus off me and put it on yourself. But I see through that."
"That's not true Maya."
"Then tell me what Matthews really said," she yelled, frustrated, not caring about the way heads briefly turned in their direction.
"O-okay, I will," Josh said, trying to pacify her, "just calm down."
"Don't tell me to calm down," she growled, stalking off again.
Josh kept pace with her until they got to the small park. The air was particularly chilly today, making them the sole residents of it, but Maya wasn't bothered by that. She fell heavily down upon a park bench, her hands still shoved into her jacket pockets. "Talk," she ordered, staring directly ahead. "What did he tell you?"
"That we both will never find who we're meant to be with if we cling on to each other like this," Josh said woodenly. "That you'd never give anyone a serious try with the long game looming above us. That you wouldn't risk upsetting me by going that far with anyone else because you'd think I'd leave."
"I can handle being left," Maya said coldly, still staring ahead. "I've had more than enough practice with it."
"But it's never gotten easier," Josh responded. "I'm not trying to leave you Maya. That's not my intention, but I wasn't lying before. I really do think that you're ahead of me now. And I don't want you to fall because of me."
"Does the future scare you?" she asked, briefly glancing at him.
"Not really," he said after a moment's thought, "no more than anything else."
"It terrifies me," Maya admitted gruffly. "The not-knowing kills me. Like, I'd be fine going through life if I just knew what was to come, good or bad."
"I'm not sure what you're trying to say."
"What I'm saying is that the long game gave me hope," she answered, finally tearing her eyes away from the empty park to look at him. If the way he recoiled slightly was anything to go by, she knew that the welt of emotions she was currently seeing was on open display for him. She did nothing to keep that back. "The long game said that no matter what happened, I had one thing that I was certain about that would happen. I knew that, in three years, maybe four, you and I would give things a go. And yeah, maybe you and I would or wouldn't have dated other people during that time, but at least I'd have had one more thing I could believe in, and now you're taking that from me."
"I'm sure you have other things you can believe in," Josh said, although his voice cracked slightly.
"Not many," she said softly. "You were sort of my constant too you know, Josh. And you're going away now."
"I'm not going anywhere Maya."
"Yeah you are," she rebutted, turning back to stare at the park. "I knew this was coming from the moment I saw your face last week. It's why I didn't bother to think or do anything because I knew your mind was made up. I was just curious to see how the shoe would drop, and now that I've seen that, heard your excuses, I know what I want to do."
"What's that?" Josh asked, and she could hear the wariness in his tone.
May felt an odd calmness settle upon her then. Suddenly, everything was clear and so simple, just like how Liam made it out to be. And so, it was with no regret that she looked at him and said, "I'm not going to let you cut me out Josh."
"Maya-"
"Because," she interrupted, a wry smile forming on her lips, "I'm going to cut you out instead."
There were way too many blondes in this part of New York, Lucas thought, as he shifted his gaze away from a teenager with the said hair colour. He sighed, slouching deeper onto the bench he was on as the audio book he had been listening to ended, which said something seeing that he had barely been five minutes into it when he had first sat here. He knew it was stupid, and that there was a chance that he had missed Maya. Maybe she had gone to Riley's, or to a next friend's place that he didn't know the location to. But, what he did know was that Maya and Josh were supposed to talk today - he wasn't sure when or where - but what he did know was that she would definitely, eventually come home. And so he would wait...it wasn't as if he hadn't done it before.
He was a good few chapters into his next book when he sat up straight. He knew it was her immediately, even if her gait was oddly stiff. He knew what that meant; Maya was doing her best to warn off the world from approaching her right about now. He just hoped that things had truly improved between them enough that she would accept his presence right about now.
"Maya!" he called out, even as he hurriedly pulled his ear plugs free, stuffing it and his phone into his pocket.
She froze immediately, and looked to where he was. He was a bit relieved to see that, in the few seconds it took for surprise to register on her face, that he didn't see any hurt or anger on her countenance. "What are you doing here?" she asked, coming over to where he was. "This is way past your stop."
"I was waiting for you."
"What?" she asked, confused. "Why? Did something happen?"
"No, nothing's happened," he reassured before, pausing, suddenly realising just how silly she was likely to find his rationale for being here.
"Then why?"
"Because I knew you were talking to Josh today," he said simply.
Maya blinked for a moment, surprised once more before the emotion bled off her. "You are such a Huckleberry," she said, but there was no teasing or derision in her voice. He was even certain that he had heard an undercurrent of gratitude there.
"This Huckleberry is trying to be a good friend."
She smiled briefly at that before sitting on the bench, he doing the same. At any other station, he would have been a bit self-conscious due to the way Maya sat sideways with her legs crisscrossed so she could see his face, but there was even a guy fully sprawled out on the one next to them, so he seriously doubted that anybody would care about her feet being up like this. And so, he shifted as well so that they could both be comfortable.
"Did it go okay?" he asked.
Maya chuckled, swiping her hand across her nose. "You've never approved of me and Josh from the start," she reminded him gently. "Are you really sure you want to hear about this?"
"It's important to you," he answered. "Besides, someone told me I needed to stop being jealous and reacting badly about the whole thing. This is me trying to do that."
"And if I tell you Josh and I are now an official couple?"
Lucas' fingers clenched at the thought, but he forced himself to relax the grip. "Then I will try to accept that," he answered, although he could tell how stilted the words sounded even to his own ears.
"Don't worry," she said, "that didn't happen. I left Josh."
"Left?" Lucas repeated. "You mean you ended the long game? You Maya? Not Josh?"
"Yes I ended it," she confirmed, running her fingers through her windblown hair. "It was the best recourse."
"Why?" he couldn't help but ask. While he couldn't deny the relief he felt at what she was saying, there was something almost foreboding in the way she had phrased it. The verb "to leave" in all its forms carried different connotations for the girl in front of him. It conveyed a finality that was worrying. For her to say she had done that to Josh... He didn't know how to interpret that.
"Did Riley send you? she asked, eyeing him suspiciously. "I wouldn't tell her anything."
"I'm not here because of Riley," he replied. "Although, why is that?"
"Because I didn't want her influencing me," she explained. "I'll tell her tomorrow. I'm sleeping over anyway."
"That's good," he replied. "So…about Josh…"
"He made excuses," she told him.
"What?"
"He spent a lot of time spinning webs to me," she elaborated, and he could hear the bitterness in her voice as she said it. "If he'd just come out and said that Matthews didn't like it I'd have been okay. If he'd said that he didn't want it anymore, I would have been okay," she continued, although Lucas definitely saw the way she stumbled over those words. She wasn't being entirely truthful with that. He saw the way she had been enamoured with Josh. Maybe it truly hadn't passed the crush stage for her, but those feelings were not something easily forgotten or dismissed. "But he tried to say how what he was doing was for my benefit, played it up as if I was too good for him right now. He was trying to make me see things that didn't exist, play with my mind so I wouldn't be upset and I refuse to stand for that. So I cut him."
Lucas couldn't put together a response to that immediately, because he was struggling to get into Maya's mind set without dragging out more of what was undoubtedly painful to her right about now to the surface. He hadn't come here to satisfy his curiosity about what had happened. If that were the case, he could have easily satisfied himself by waiting until Riley related what she was comfortable with sharing to him. He was here for Maya, and so what had happened wasn't as important to him as much as the rationale behind it and how it had and would affect her.
"Thank you for being honest with me," Maya said suddenly, drawing his focus back to her. "Even if you weren't sure what would happen, if I would even listen to what you had to say, you told me the truth about what you felt the last time we talked like this."
"I owed you that much," he replied softly.
"I know," she returned, "and I appreciate that very much. I've gotten too many excuses already."
"From your dad?" he probed gently.
Her corner of her mouth quirked slightly, but she nodded. He didn't press her on that though and instead said, "I've never lied to you before," he said, "and I don't plan on ever doing so."
"Please don't," she said immediately. "I can take it, no matter what it is. Don't lie to me, don't try to protect me. Just tell me."
"I will," he promised. She met his gaze for one long moment, before nodding gently. He felt as if in that moment he had passed a monumental test, because, whether consciously or not, the last of the tension in Maya bled away. In doing so she shifted, not much, but enough so that one of her legs was touching his. He wasn't sure if she even recognised the point of contact, but he definitely felt it...and liked it.
"I've never lied to you," she said then, "never directly."
"You haven't," he agreed, smiling slightly. "Mainly I suppose because you're bad at it."
"Hey!" she protested, causing him to laugh.
"So instead you yell at me, distract me, or plain ole run whenever you don't want to say what's on your mind."
She pinned him with a calculating look then, as if trying to determine if he were mocking her, but she found no malice there. "I'm working on that," she said gruffly.
"Thank you."
They were quiet for a bit, Maya seemingly lost in her thoughts while he was content with just observing her, letting her come to whatever conclusions she wanted to at her own pace. Eventually though, almost regretfully, Maya looked at him. "I didn't come here straight from Josh," she revealed.
"Oh?" he asked, a bit perplexed by the hesitance in her voice. "Where'd you go?"
"To Shane's dance studio."
Lucas frowned at that, failing to make the connection. Did she think he would be upset that she had gone to someone else first? That couldn't be. She hadn't even known that he had planned to wait for her, and he doubted that she thought that he would be upset on Riley's behalf for Maya not immediately going to her. "I don't quite get what you're saying," he confessed.
Maya started drumming her fingers against her thighs, not quite meeting his stare anymore. "Josh said that he was looming over me. That I'd never commit with him around."
"Commit? To what?"
"To someone" she disclosed, briefly glancing at him. "So I went to see Shane after, and I think it's only fair I tell you."
"Tell me what?" Lucas asked slowly, even though, finally, the connections, one by one started to join together in his head.
"I asked Shane to be my boyfriend," she revealed, meeting his gaze squarely. "He said yes."
