Chapter 29
Stephanie stared at the door trying to decide if to let herself in or if to wait for the guys in the control room to call him and let him know that she was out there. She knew it was late, but she needed answers.
Lately she had been feeling too many weird emotions, which included, but was not limited to doubt, ennui and trepidation. She needed to know where she stood in Ranger's life. He was the biggest mystery in her life at the moment. She knew where she stood with Joe. Nowhere.
She missed Joe, and sometimes she craved him, but she knew that that was not enough to sustain a viable relationship. Plus it seemed as though he was moving on. Lately he seemed harder. Edgier even. And something told her that the man she knew from her childhood and fell in love with was not there anymore.
She let out a sigh. Maybe she should've gone home and gotten some sleep instead of just showing up here. She didn't know what she was going to say to Ranger. But knowing herself, she knew that planned conversation or not, it would all come tumbling out in a giant ball of emotion, frustration and self-preservation.
She was about to go back to the elevator when the door opened. Ranger stood in the doorway dressed in black sweatpants and nothing else. His hair looked damp, and judging from the weary look on his face he had either been preparing to go to bed, or had been there already.
"Babe, you're scaring Hal in the control room." he said and opened the door wider, an indication for her to come inside.
Taking a deep breath for courage, Stephanie strode past him and made a bee line for the couch and sat down.
"Is this business or pleasure?" Ranger asked as he closed the door and made his way to her.
She watched as he strode towards her like a lion stalking its prey, and licked her lips as her eyes fell where the waistband of his sweats rode low on his hips.
"Keep looking at me like that and I'm going to assume it's the latter." he said giving her the full 200 watts.
Stephanie knew it would be so easy to agree with him and get caught up in the fray of his sexual delights. But she didn't come here for that. She'd come to get answers to questions that had been plaguing her for a while; and some that had emerged at the strip club in Newark.
"What's going on with you and Agent Carter?" she blurted out, figuring she'll get the most difficult questions out of the way.
Ranger sat down next to her on the couch. His lips were drawn in a tight line, but his face gave nothing away.
"Where is this coming from?"
Was he serious?
"It's coming from the fact that for the past couple of months things between us have been...different. You told me once that if Joe was out of my bed long enough you would be back in it. Well news flash Ranger, Joe and I broke up almost three months ago and you have yet to show up in my bed or in me."
"Babe, did it occur to you that maybe I was giving you space and time to get over Morelli."
"I am over him." she said waving her hands in a frustrated gesture. "Didn't you hear the part about us breaking up?"
"You've broken up before and gotten back together. What makes this time different?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I don't know. But this time it's final. No more going back. I'm ready to move forward."
He stared at her. "And you think you're ready to move forward with me?"
"Not think. I know I'm ready." she rushed out vehemently.
He raised a dark eyebrow. "And how do you know that?"
She made a frustrated sound. "Because I feel it. I can't explain it. I know we would never have a conventional relationship. But then again, have we ever? I know your life doesn't lend itself to relationships, but what about companionship? The things I feel for you are way beyond anything I can even explain. All I know is I want to be with you. But for the past few months I've been getting a different vibe from you. It's almost like you're distracted. And at times it's as if I'm bothering you or something, and you're only tolerating me. Is that it? Am I just a nuisance?"
Her face was a stony mask as she tried to reign in her emotions, and when Ranger reached out and ran a finger gently down the side of her face she almost lost it.
"You can never be a nuisance Babe." he said softly. "Not to me anyway."
"And Agent Carter? What is she to you?"
Silence.
"Is she...special in your life?"
"Depends on what your definition of special is."
"Like sexually intimate special."
He seemed to take a deep breath before answering. "We have been intimate yes."
Stephanie felt as though her heart was about to rupture in her chest. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that Ranger probably slept with other women. He was human after all, or so she hoped. But the fact that one of those women was actually someone she had met in the flesh was freaking her out. An image of Agent Carter grinding against Morelli flashed across her mind and she wondered if the pretty agent ever treated Ranger to a dance like that.
"She's never done that to me Babe." Ranger said with a small smile. Damn ESP.
"But she has done other stuff?"
"Where is this going Babe? Did you come over here to grill me about my sexual activities, or did you come here for another purpose?"
She didn't like his tone. Not that there was one either, but Stephanie wasn't up for the normal vagueness that was Ranger's way of question answering.
She folded her arms across her chest in a defensive gesture. "I came here to find out if there is an us. Or will there ever be an us."
He stared at her for a long time before asking, "Do you think you're up to there being an us?"
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I'm not the easiest person to live with or be with on a full-time basis Babe." he explained.
"I stayed with you during the whole Slayers madness and you weren't annoying."
"True, but we're talking about unlimited time here, not just a couple of weeks. There will be times when I will have to leave you for months on end with little or no communication. And when, or if I come back, I won't be able to tell you where I'd been or what I was doing. Do you think you could handle that?"
"You've done that before." she pointed out.
"Yes, but we weren't a couple. Think about if Morelli had done that when you were together. Do you think you'd be able to endure months of not knowing where he was or what he was doing?"
Her brow furrowed. She'd never thought of that. She didn't think she would be able too though. She might have even braved Grandma Bella to find out if they knew where Joe was. She looked at Ranger. He was watching her intently, waiting for her to answer.
"No, I guess I wouldn't be able too. But it's different..."
Ranger shook his head vehemently. "It's not that different Steph, you know this."
"But..."
"I'm not saying these things to hurt you, but I need you to be very aware of what the reality of a relationship between us would be like. I'm not the best communicator. I even have an ex-wife that can vouch for that. I live by a code of duty first, people second, and the mission supreme."
There was a bitter edge to his voice and Stephanie wondered briefly the story behind it; but she knew it was unlikely that he would ever tell it to her. This was life with Ranger. He told her what she needed to know and nothing else. Once in a while he would volunteer a speck of personal information, but other than that he didn't do the normal talking just for talking thing most people did. Sigh. Could she live like that? Her life was an open book to him, while his was like the operational manual inside the Pentagon, secretive and not known about by many people.
"I get what you're saying Ranger, but I can't make what I feel for you just go away because you have emotional constrictions."
"I'm not asking you to stop loving me Steph, because I can't stop loving you either." he said softly.
Hope flared within her, but she didn't dare let it seem like they've resolved anything. "What about Agent Carter? Do you love her too?"
Ranger stared at her, his blank mask firmly in place. How was he supposed to answer that? He and Marissa had been lovers for the past few months, and yes, he cared a great deal about her. But was it love? Neither he nor she had ever said the three words to each other, and quite frankly he wasn't sure that they ever would. They both had the same attitude when it came to relationships. They sucked at it.
Marissa's line of work didn't make her the perfect girlfriend. Getting called out during a dinner date or in the middle of some sweaty sex was rough on cultivating any normalcy of a healthy relationship, especially if she was dating a regular guy not in the law enforcement field. This was probably why they had bonded so well. She lived by the same creed as he did. Her cool regard about emotions and personal commitments was almost as crippled as his were, and at times, for purely selfish reasons, he was glad she was the way she was.
But seeing her with Morelli tonight flared something within him that had him acting like a jealous lover. That wasn't him. He had been ready to kill Morelli if Tank hadn't stopped him. Was it because he loved Marissa? Or was it because of his male pride being wounded by the fact that Morelli was monopolizing most of Marissa's time and attention that would have normally have been occupied by him? God, when did he start becoming so petty? Especially about a woman.
His whole modus operandi towards women had always been predatorial. The thrill of the chase was what drove him on and fed his ego. This was one of the main reasons he had urged Stephanie to fix things with Morelli the day after they had slept together. The chase had ended. But because of his strong feelings towards her, and the fact that he did indeed love her, he had wanted to start the game all over again.
Morelli was what she had needed in her life, whist he had been what she wanted. And because he knew that Stephanie's moral code would not let her cheat whist in a relationship already, it would have been easy to resume the poaching all over again. He knew he was an asshole because of what he had done, but he also knew that at some point Stephanie had caught on to his cunning ways right before she had moved in with Morelli.
He'd hurt her by acting nonchalant about their night together, but it was the only way he knew how to avoid getting her tangled up in the mess that was his life at the time. He had meant it when he told her that there was no price for what they gave each other. She was the closest thing to a true love he had ever had in his life. But just when he had resigned himself to letting her settle into his heart for the long haul Marissa had come along.
Her blatant disregard for the protocols of his life had turned him on somehow, and they had come together in mutual need. She was always up for a good time, no questions asked, no strings attached. In their line of work you took the good times where you could get them, because God only knew you may not be there tomorrow to enjoy any of them.
So yes, he did love her for her blithe attitude when it came to satisfying both their needs. They gave and took from each other what they needed to get through the day, night or the week. And when it was time for him to leave New York to come back to Trenton he had always left with a lighter spirit and great anticipation on seeing her again.
He locked eyes with Stephanie. "Yes. I care about her too. She's a great friend. A status I don't give out too often to anyone."
Stephanie studied him for long seconds then said as if she'd had an epiphany, "You're a very lonely man, aren't you?"
He raised an eyebrow at her.
"I mean, you don't let a lot of people in your life, and the ones that you do have to jump through hoops to prove their friendship to you. And when they do you still don't let them see all of you. That must get tiring."
"It's the way it has to be Babe. I have a lot of enemies who wouldn't hesitate to hurt anyone that's close to me. So if I have to suffer in order to preserve someone's life, then so be it."
She sent him a chagrined look. "Must you always be the superhero?"
"If I say yes will it impact the decision you're going to make about wanting to have a relationship with me?"
She smiled. "That decision was already made before I even showed up here."
His gut tightened as the reality of her words washed over him. His babe never disappointed.
