I own no part of SON

Peace and love.

xoxo

Something is up. Ashley has been off for the last week or so. She smells like cigarette smoke again, she's been drinking a lot, and she hardly touches or speaks to me. For instance last weekend I got a phone call from Kyla at three in the morning.

She needed me to come to some random house and pick them up. Kyla was buzzed, my girlfriend was a train wreck. When I ask Ashley about it she just scoffs and shrugs it off as end of high school fun.

So for a while I let it go. She seemed to just want to have fun but now I'm getting worried. I haven't seen her in class in days and her absences will keep her from graduating. And I've decided that's ultimately what her weird behavior is all about. She's freaking out about graduation. Maybe she saw the acceptance letter I just got from NYU.

I squint across the pool at my bikini clad girlfriend talking to Jillian with a brilliant smile plastered across her beautiful face. They are sitting close and Ashley's hand rests on Jill's knee. I shake my head, they're just friends.

"And that is why I can never eat peanut butter again."

Kyla finishes with a big smile and a grand hand gesture. Shoot, I was supposed to be listening to her. I mean she is hosting this end of the year pool party.

"Wow that was a really interesting st-"

"Don't even pretend you were listening. I totally saw you staring at my stupid sister."

I give a sheepish smile but my attention darts back to Ash at the sound of her husky chuckle.

"Ky, why has she been acting so weird?"

The younger Davies gives me a sad smile and squeezes my shoulder comfortingly.

"This isn't weird behavior for her. This is Ashley before you came."

Kyla's words unsettle me as I notice Ashley's gaze locked on Jill's body. Am I losing her? I thought she loved me? A single tear tries to slip out of my eye but I wipe it away before it betrays me. I have to talk to her.

"Excuse me Kyla."

She gives a grim nod almost like she knows something bad will come of my conversation with Ashley. Sometimes I wonder how much Kyla Davies really does know. Approaching Ashley I notice how close her and Jill sit to each other and the small, secret looks that pass between the two of them.

"Ashley, can I have a second?"

For the first time since I've known her I feel as if Ashley does not want to be around me. Her gaze feels cold as she stares at me from behind giant sunglasses.

"Sure Spencer. Jill I'll be back in a few."

My girlfriend pushes herself off the lounge chair and into my space. For a second my breath catches and my heart speeds up, my body betrays me and aches for her. Ashley arches her eyebrow and smirks at me as she notices my reaction to her. I clear my throat and nod towards the house.

"Wanna go inside?"

She shrugs and takes off for the house, leaving me to steady myself before going after her. I know where she's going in the house. It's the one room where she feels comfortable and the one room where she might tell me what the heck is actually going on.

Many nights I've stumbled into this room, tangled up in everything Ashley. Today there is no touching or kissing between us. She walks into the room and sits on the bed pulling shorts on as she sits. I remain standing.

"What's up?"

"Why don't you kiss me anymore?"

"What?"

"Or touch me or hug me or even look at me? Do you not love me anymore?"

The look on her face is one of horror and shock. Hot tears are blazing a trail down my face. I can't help it anymore because I feel like I'm going to lose her.

"Spencer…"

"Did you see the letter, is that it? Because I haven't even decided if I'll go to NYU or UCLA yet."

Now confusion washes over her features.

"You applied to NYU? What?"

Wait now I'm confused.

"Isn't that why you've been so off? I thought you saw the letter and were freaking out about it."

"Well now I'm freaking out. What the hell Spencer? I thought you were going to stay in the area because I can't get into a fancy school?"

She's yelling now and standing and about five inches from my face. Why is this my fault? She's the one who's been acting so strange.

"Ok so this wasn't about the letter what is going on then?"

"Nothing Spencer. This is the real me. I smoke, I drink, and I sleep with girls."

A sharp pang goes through my chest, like a fist closing around my heart. She has a mean smirk on her face but the longer I stand there with silent tears in my eyes the more her face crumbles.

"Shit Spencer, I'm sorry I've been so mes-"

"Are you cheating on me?"

She stumbles back a step like my words were a punch to her gut. All color drains from her face and I get my answer before she even says the words.

"Not currently."

The words come out a croak from her mouth.

"Oh well thank Christ! 'Not currently'. Jesus Ashley just answer the fucking question! Have you ever cheated on me?"

Tears of hurt and anger stream down my face. Ash stares back with guilty eyes and shaky hands.

"Yes."

One word shatters my heart.

"With who Ashley?"

"Jillian."

One name obliterates my world. Something inside me breaks and I'm finding it hard to breathe.

"How could you do this? I don't understand."

I wipe away the tears and feel nothing but hollowness inside, like my heart's been ripped from my chest. Ashley's crying so hard I doubt she can even see me through her tears but I want nothing more than to make her cry harder, make her realize how much she's hurt me.

"Spencer, I don't wanna lose you."

"Too late."

I scoff and walk away from her. I walk away from the one person who made me feel really alive, the one person who I gave everything to. Lesson learned. As I walk outside I realize I've started crying again. It's just so hard for me to actually believe this is happening.

Glen is by my side in an instant and his arms pull me into a sheltering embrace. There are so many voices around me but I can only make out one.

"Move, damnit people move. Spencer! Wait Spencer, talk to me a minute! I said fucking move!"

She sounds pissed but I couldn't care less. When I see her out of the corner of my eye, all tear streaked and disheveled, I shake my head at Glen.

"Come on sis, I'm taking you home."

Thank God he gets the picture. As Glen's car backs out of the driveway she stands there and stares teary eyed in my direction. How dare she act like she's the one getting hurt here?

"Wanna talk about it?"

He sounds so sad for me but I just stare out the window, my silent answer placates him. My feet feel heavy and my body aches as I make the seemingly long walk to the front door. Paula opens it before I can wrap my fingers around the gold door knob. Has it always been gold?

"Why are you kids home so early…Spencer what's wrong sweetie?"

As Mom's hand grab me, and wipe away the tears I didn't know I am still crying, all I can focus on are the stairs leading me to my bed. I'm completely exhausted.

"Mom, not now ok?"

The stairs are treacherous today, each step draining a little more energy from my already depleted body. A weak smile cracks onto my face when I conquer the damn stairs and finally see my door.

My door opens easily but it's not the safe haven I thought it would be. Reminders of her are everywhere. Ashley's smile greets me from numerous pictures plastered all around. Her black sweatshirt hangs lazily off my desk chair and at least six of her shirts are scattered like land mines around my floor.

Worse than all of the physical reminders though is that I can smell her in here. The scent is overwhelming and sweet and familiar. All of this just makes the ache in my chest magnify and I hate myself for missing her already.

Why did she do this to me? I pull on her sweatshirt and climb into my bed. She always slept on the same side as me, even sharing my pillow, because she said she couldn't stand to be that far away from me. What happened to that girl? The one who looked at me like I made the world turn round and couldn't stand to be away from me for more than five minutes?

Hot tears trail down my face, pooling onto my black pillow case. I hear my phone buzz from the floor and I almost don't look at the text.

Please forgive me. I love you.

Damn her. She can't be serious right now. She's destroyed us and now she wants me to forgive her. I toss my phone back on the ground, wishing I hadn't looked at the message. In this instant I make a decision about college, about my future, and about who I am.

And Ashley no longer is a factor in any of it.

Three hours later and I'm still awake, my phone buzzing so incessantly that I turn it off. Two sleeping pills later my vision blurs and I finally medicate myself into a comatose state. Here in this kind of sleep I know dreams of Ashley won't invade my mind.

Here is the only place I can find peace…without her.

Thanks for everything. Enjoy.