Rumors
No one really knew, where they'd come from, no one knew who'd started them, but when Will Schuester entered McKinley High on Wednesday, barely two days after it had happened, they were already all over the place…
Rumors.
A lot of them.
One wilder than the last, some even so adventurous and unlikely, that Will couldn't even believe that they had gotten out there in the first place. But then they all had one thing in common: Puck was in the hospital. Just the reasons for him being there seemed to differ a lot… and none of them came even close to what had really happened.
Somehow it amazed Will that there even was so much chatter going on about this. But then, Puck probably was one of the most known kids in this school… and Will was pretty sure that the interest in this wouldn't be half as big if Puck were a silent, shy freshman.
Either way, Will tried not to listen to them, or to tell anyone the real version. He wasn't here to set them all straight, wasn't going to even be at school long enough for anyone to raise any questions at him. The thing that bothered him, though, were the looks they shot him when he walked through the hallway, all of them staring at him somewhat accusingly, as if he'd had a hand in all of this... making him wonder what exactly was going on in their heads…
But then they probably just assumed that he'd had something to do with it, or at least knew about what had happened, due to the cast on his left arm and the bruise on his face where Danny's fist had been able to land a punch. It wasn't easy to hide that… and he was probably just being paranoid in thinking that they were all blaming him for whatever had happened… the guilt that had been crawling through his stomach these past two days wasn't helping to get past that, though, and he was glad that there was just one thing he had to do before going back to the hospital.
He turned the next corner and stepped into his office a moment later, shutting the blinds as soon as he'd closed the door. He took a deep breath, trying to shake off that strange feeling of relief suddenly overcoming him, as if he'd just escaped from more than just a curious crowd of students. But as soon as he'd shaken it off another feeling started creeping up inside him… nervousness… maybe even dread. Dread of what he was about to do, even though he knew that he had to… before any more horror stories were able to get out in the open. Not that the truth wasn't horrific, but… at least it was the truth. And they had to hear it. The thing was that, even though he knew that it was the right thing to do, the shock was still sitting way too deep, and just the mere thought of having to talk about it, about having to live through it once again, made him feel sick. He just wasn't sure if he was up to it yet.
Will sat down on the chair behind his desk and closed his eyes, trying to remember the last, carefree moment he'd had. Not that he hadn't had anything to worry about before all this, but… it had all seemed a lot easier than this. He opened his eyes again, let them wander over the room, and for a second he felt as if he'd been pulled back in time, back to that moment when Puck had been in this office. It had only been a week, but after all that had happened since that Wednesday morning, it almost seemed ages ago. But still, he couldn't get those images out of his head…
Puck trying to avoid the conversation, the sudden anger when he'd talked about how no one had ever cared about him… and that little boy that had been standing in his office, crying for help even though he'd never said the words.
Will swallowed hard, somewhat hoping to get that bitter taste out of his mouth, to swallow the memories before they were able to pull him out of reality. He had to stay focused right now.
He stared into the choir room, watched as, one by one, the kids shuffled in… all but Finn, who was staying at home for another day. They all looked rather confused, a mixture of puzzled and somewhat scared expressions spread on their faces as they tried to decipher the truth behind all the rumors floating through the halls. Kurt was the last one to come in, and the only one who didn't look confused, but worried and somewhat frightened… after all, he was the only person in that entire room who knew… who knew what had happened, who knew the real story behind the rumors.
Will waited another five minutes, the nervous tingle in his stomach getting more and more intense as he waited for the right moment to go in. But when Rachel got off her seat and stepped over to the piano, a determined look on her face, probably about to tell them about her over-the-top song collection for regionals, he knew that he couldn't wait any longer.
He opened the door and walked into the choir room, trying desperately to ignore the startled looks on their faces and the hushed voices emerging almost instantly when they caught sight of him. But when he reached the piano and turned to look at them, they fell silent immediately, and without having to tell her, Rachel went back to her chair and sat down.
There was an awkward silence, as Will struggled to find the right words, to find the best way to start. But he soon realized that there really were no right words for this… no best way to tell them, and he wished more than anything in this moment that he wouldn't have to, that there wouldn't even be a reason for him to talk about things like this in the first place… wished for one last time that he could just wake up and find himself back in his apartment... in his bed… or at least in a more or less comfortable chair having fallen asleep over a boring book…
But after that moment had passed, he was still standing in the choir room, ten pairs of eyes staring at him in expectation of an explanation.
"I don't really know where to start…", he said after another painful minute of silence. "A lot has happened these past two weeks and -" He cleared his throat, a giant lump suddenly building up in it the closer he got to telling them. "- and I want to talk to you before any more of those rumors get spread. I want you to know the truth, because… whatever is getting around out there -" He had to stop again as he tried to find the right end to that sentence. "I don't want you to listen to any of that… it's… it's important that... that you know what really happened."
No one spoke. It even seemed as if some of them didn't dare to breathe. Will, though, took a deep breath, before he continued.
"I want to tell you a story, a story that, sadly, is as real as me standing here right now… a story about one of you." Will didn't know why he told it like this. It would have been a lot easier to just get it out… to just get it over with. It wouldn't have taken him more than a minute, two, three sentences maybe.
Puck's mother's boyfriend is a scumbag who's been beating the crab out of Puck every chance he got. On Monday night it got so out of hand that Puck ended up in the hospital after that guy stabbed him…
Even in his head it sounded unreal, but, at the same time, far too real for anyone of them to be able to understand it… and the mere try of getting over the paradox in that strain of thought, made his head hurt.
"A teenager, just like you, who goes to this school, who had always put his reputation before anything else, before he decided to join glee club." It was strange talking about Puck that way, like he was talking about someone he hardly knew, telling a story he'd heard instead of having been a part of it. But somehow it was easier that way. He could actually feel the tension leaving his body… at least a little bit. And his voice, too, seemed more calm than he would have expected it to be in this situation.
"He sat with you in this room, sang with you, performed with you… but while you got back home afterwards, he got back to a nightmare…" He shook his head. This was stupid… like he was talking to a group of little kids, telling them a bedtime story… or rather, telling them of the boogeyman. But he just couldn't help it, couldn't shake that seductive feeling of safety building up between him and the truth as he kept his distance. "And then there was this teacher…", he added with a sigh, knowing perfectly well that all of them - except maybe Brittany - were aware that he was talking about himself… and how weird it must sound to hear him refer to himself as 'this teacher'.
"You know that I always cared about you guys… I've listened to you, tried to help you with your problems, but I never listened to him… at least never close enough. I believed all his lies, like everyone else, and most of the times I didn't even care to ask. Until last week… but even then it was more of a coincidence… he could've kept lying, but, for some reason, he didn't." Will took another deep breath. "He finally got out with the truth… for the first time in two years."
And then he told them. Everything. Well… everything he could remember… everything that mattered. He didn't want to paint a wrong picture, didn't want them to think of Puck as weak or helpless, but he didn't want to play it down either. He could see the shocked expressions on their faces, the withheld anguish when he told them about the day when he had left Puck at the bus station, tried desperately to look past them, to find a spot on the wall behind them that he could hold on to, afraid that he might slip into the sea of emotions spreading out in front of him. He just couldn't let that happen… not yet anyway.
He didn't know how much time had passed when the last words left his lips. It seemed as if hours had passed since he'd first opened his mouth.
There was a deep silence after he had finished. None of them seemed to dare say anything, as if disturbing this moment with their words would somehow diminish the graveness of this whole situation. And for some reason, they couldn't bear to look at each other, somehow afraid that someone could see the thoughts rushing through their minds… that someone could get a glimpse at the guilt in their eyes.
After a moment that seemed to last forever, Kurt got off his chair, took his bag and left the choir room, no longer able to stand the silence. And if that sudden movement had broken the invisible spell Will's story had put on each and everyone of them, the others followed.
One by one they got up and left, most of them alone. In fact, Tina and Mike seemed to be the only ones capable of staying with each other, while every one else tried desperately to avoid getting close to anyone.
Brittany tried, though. She wanted to talk to Santana, because she couldn't understand why they all looked so shocked and sad and scared, but the other cheerleader rushed out of the choir room and disappeared around the next corner before Brittany had a chance to get to her.
Santana just didn't want to be with anyone right now, and not wanting to explain to Brittany what all of this meant was only part of reason she made herself scarce as quickly as possible. She just didn't want to give anyone even the slightest chance to ask her why she never had noticed anything, didn't want to give them the chance to call her ignorant and self-absorbed, even though they would be right to do so... after all, she had gotten naked with Puck on a more or less regular basis... she was the one person who had seen what had been hidden underneath.
Of course, she'd seen the bruises on his ribs and arms, sometimes even on his back, all those bruises that had always been well hidden under his shirt. Of course, she'd seen the fading scars on his right arm after the summer, had felt that vicious scar on his lower back… had noticed how he had tried to evade her touch, how he would flinch every time her fingers got too close to it. And she had never even cared to asked... it had just never occurred to her that there might be something seriously wrong...
She fled into the next restroom, a nauseating feeling of guilt suddenly building up in her stomach. She turned on the water and splashed her face, hoping that it would somehow make it go away… but it didn't. And when she raised her head and looked in mirror, she felt as if she couldn't even recognize the person staring back at her.
At the same time, Artie was outside, waiting for his dad to pick him up. It was a routine, nothing more. Something he always did by the end of a normal school day. He had just never felt so lost out here as he did now. Not that he had never felt lost in this big crowd of students walking around him while he was stuck in this chair… but today was different. And he wished, more than anything, that there was someone he could talk to, someone he could tell about those scary thoughts going through his head. But the others had all scattered away in different directions as soon as they had reached the hallway. And besides… what would they say if he were to tell them what Puck had said about hating juvie, about how scared Puck had been… about how Puck had lied when he'd told them that he'd loved it there…?
They would say that he should have seen it, right? Because he was probably the only person who knew what good a liar Puck really was… no, Artie couldn't tell anyone about that.
Rachel was hiding, too, which was something she hardly ever did, because, after all, the show must go on, right? But not today. Today she just wanted to hide out in her room. She just sat on her bed, all evening, trying to fight the urge to call Finn, because, even though she desperately wanted to know how he was, she didn't know how to talk to him right now… after this, fearing that she might start telling him off for not talking to her about it despite knowing that it would definitely be the worst thing she could do given the situation… she just wasn't sure if she would be able to stop herself.
She tried to distract herself by going over a list of possible songs for regionals, singing parts of them to herself, trying to imagine how the judges would react to her doubtlessly perfect solos… but even though that had always been able to cheer her up in the past, it didn't this time. And half an hour later she switched off the lights and went to bed. But falling asleep just isn't that easy when that tiny little voice in the back of your head just won't shut up, that little voice telling her just how unfair she'd been to Puck: After Puck had run out of Mr. Schue's office, she'd suggested to replace him even though she'd had no idea what was going on. And even today, when the teacher had come into the choir room, about to talk to them, she had already assumed that whatever had happened had been Puck's fault… and she just couldn't stop feeling guilty about that.
And Quinn… well, Quinn, too, sat in her room, alone, fighting more demons than any one of them. Not only had she ignored the bruises and injuries like the others, no, she'd ignored what had been going on in that house when she'd been living there. And even though there hadn't actually been any fighting or yelling or anything else that would have indicated that something was wrong, she felt guilty... because… she had felt it, had felt that strange mixture of pain and fear filling each and every room, hanging over them like a dark cloud telling of a terrible storm that had raged between those walls and had since then been waiting for the perfect moment to start up again. But she had ignored it all the same. Had ignored the faint shivers running down her spine whenever she'd opened the front door, had ignored the look on the face of Puck's mom whenever she'd caught sight of her son, had ignored that uncomfortable feeling she'd had in her stomach whenever Danny had entered the room… she had just been too thankful for having a roof over her head to care whether it was real or not.
For a few fleeting moments she thought about talking to Sam, but dismissed that thought before she could even get up to get the phone out of her bag. This had happened before his time… and besides, talking about it, saying it out loud, would be like pleading guilty, right? Because, no one could deny that she was the one person who had gotten close enough to that house to see it. No, she would never, ever, tell anyone.
And then, all of a sudden, she realized something else as another dreaded memory slowly crept back to her mind: she had taken his little Beth away from him… and somehow that seemed worse than anything else, as if by giving her up for adoption she had somehow deprived him of the chance to break out of his own, miserable life… the one chance to make it better.
And even though she desperately tried not to think about it, about that one moment when they'd been standing behind the glass window, looking at that tiny little person they had created, she just couldn't stop the images from floating before her eyes… and she couldn't stop the tears, either… the tears that started running down her face when she remembered the sad look in Puck's eyes after she had told him that she wouldn't keep the baby…
That night, Quinn cried herself to sleep.
They all had at least one moment they'd wished had gone by differently, and by the end of this day, they all felt guilty about something… even if it was just for having a family that cared about them… for having a home that was safe.
Author's note:
Thank you sooo much for the great response, especially for the Chapter 'In the end we all lose' ... (even though some of you threatened to rip my head off... =) ... an understandable reaction to that cliffhanger... and it hasn't exactly been solved yet... but it will be... soon...)
Oh, and here's a little footnote: there's only one more chapter... so, I really hope you'll stay with me 'til the end!
Thanks again!
Author's note II: [12.07.2011]
I'm sorry that I've kept you waiting for so long... and to inform you that you'll probably have to wait a little longer (about two more weeks...) - but I'm really, really swamped... I got three more written exams in the next 10 days, a paper to finish in the next couple of hours and an oral exam... (not to mention the job I need to get to three times a week...)
But the semester at University will be over soon... and I won't deprive you of the end of this story for much longer. I just can't concentrate on it right now... (meaning that I feel guilty every time I delay my studying for writing fanfiction... and that just ruins the text... so... I want this to be perfect, that's why I've put it on hold until the exams are a thing of the past...)
I'm really sorry!
Sam
