Twenty-Nine

Learn



Trance
I'm in a trance
Universe is full of stars
Nothing out there looks the same
You're the one that I've been waiting for
I don't even know your name


—Madonna
"Impressive Instant"




Trembling, Sydney stood up. The doctor turned on his heel and began to walk out of the room and Sydney cast a nervous glance towards Sinéad, who simply followed the doctor's lead. Sydney looked over her shoulder to see that Will was still asleep, then followed Sinéad.


She walked slowly as her feet felt like lead and she was having a difficult time moving them. She prepared herself for the worst. Why else would both the doctor and Sinéad have been so cold towards her? Sark had to be dead, there was no other explanation. Sydney shivered violently as she followed at a safe distance behind the two.


A whimper escaped her throat as tears slid down her face, and Sydney had to reach out and steady herself against the wall as she continued to walk. She kept her eyes fixed on the ground, not wanting to see the sign that said "MORGUE" on it in threatening letters that she knew they would inevitably pass. The doctor and Sinéad stopped a few feet in front of Sydney and waited patiently for her to catch up. Sydney kept her slow pace until she approached the two, then stopped and looked up.


She realized that they were standing in the ICU and that there were several rooms around the ward. She looked around and felt her hopes rise again. Her heart beat faster and she wondered if Sark was okay and if he was being held here and she was allowed to see him.


Or maybe he's dead and they want you to take one last look at the body before they ship it down to the morgue, said an eerie, echoing voice in her head. She brought her interlocked hands to her chest in something of a prayer, then dropped her hands by her sides and looked up at the doctor and Sinéad who had turned to face her.


Her voice shaky, Sydney said, "Is-is he o-okay?"


"It's too soon to tell," the doctor said after a few moments of silence that grated on Sydney's nerves.


Narrowing her eyes and feeling anger well up inside of her, Sydney spat, "What the fuck does that mean?"


"Calm down love," Sinéad coaxed, patting Sydney's arm.


Sydney twisted away angrily. "I don't want to calm down, I want to know if the man I love is alive or dead!" Sydney felt a wave of realization slide over her. It was the first time she had said aloud that she loved Sark.


The doctor and Sinéad stared blankly at Sydney after her outburst, neither one daring to speak.


Sydney sighed and decided to try a different approach to get the information she wanted. "Look, Doctor—" she thrust her hand out and grasped the doctor's name tag on his coat and twisted it in the fluorescent light so she could see, "Dr. Lynch, all I want is a simple answer. A simple 'yes' or 'no' to the question of whether or not he is alive."


"Yes," Lynch said, without missing a beat, "he's alive."


Sydney felt as if she would sink into a puddle of goo. "Really?" she asked, her voice soft and a bit unsure, but full of hope.


Lynch simply nodded and gestured with his hand towards the closed door of Sark's room. Sydney's gaze went from Lynch to Sinéad and back again. Not quite knowing exactly how she should handle the situation, she stepped forward and gave Lynch a quick hug, then did the same with Sinéad.


Smiling weakly, Sydney said, "Thank you so much," and hurried towards the closed door. She opened it slowly, afraid of what she might find. She was terrified that Sark may have had to have a leg amputated or if he would be marked up with scars. She went inside and saw Sark sound asleep, looking truly angelic.


Her heart literally skipped a beat and Sydney felt it deep in her chest. She closed the door softly behind her, then made her way over to the hospital bed. She watched Sark sleep and put a hand to his face, gently brushing his hair away from his face. She felt fresh tears spring into her eyes and her mouth curved into a smile when his nose twitched slightly.


She took one of his hands in hers and thread her fingers through his, then leaned down to gently kiss his forehead. Sark stirred a bit, but did not awaken. Sydney kissed his temple, his cheek, his nose, and finally lay the softest kiss upon his lips.


Sark's eyes fluttered and Sydney felt her heart leap into her throat. Sark squeezed her hand and managed a small smile. "Hi."


Sydney released the sobs that were pent up in her throat and mumbled, "H-h-hi."


"Sydney," Sark said, his voice rough and deep. He reached his free hand up to Sydney's face and wiped away the tears on her cheeks.


"Oh God, Sark, I didn't think you would—"


"Shh," Sark whispered, putting a finger to Sydney's lips. "It's okay."


Sydney forced herself to nod, and leaned down, pressing her lips to Sark's. He responded eagerly, threading his fingers through Sydney's hair and parting her lips with his tongue. They broke apart after a few moments, both of them breathless. They found themselves grinning at each other and Sark pulled Sydney back down for another kiss.


They pulled apart again, and this time Sydney pressed her forehead against Sark's forehead, the tips of their noses just barely touching. They closed their eyes at the same time, both of them taking everything in and trying to deduce if it was real or not.


Sydney's next words confirmed the reality—


"I love you."


Sark grinned at her when he opened his eyes and found himself staring into her dark amber orbs. Sydney grinned back at him, tears welling up in her eyes. Some escaped and fell onto her cheek and Sark pressed his cheek against hers, feeling the connection between them deepen.


For a while, they stayed that way, their breathing in sync and their hearts singing the same tune. Finally, Sydney sat down in the chair beside Sark's bed, her fingers still entwined with his.


"How did we get so far so fast?" Sydney wondered aloud, resting her head on Sark's shoulder.


"Don't know," Sark replied, nuzzling Sydney's hair with his cheek.


Sydney wiped her eyes and sat up to look into Sark's bright sapphires. "I was thinking," she began, and flashed Sark a thoughtful smile.


"Hm?"


"Well, I was just thinking how weird it is that we've come so far so fast in this relationship and I still hardly know a damn thing about you." Sydney grinned broadly at the flush that rose in Sark's cheeks.


"You already know my darkest secret," Sark said with a shrug. Sydney raised an eyebrow. "Oh, don't tell me you forgot already," Sark said with mock hurt.


"You can't seriously be talking about—" Sydney stopped herself and leaned close to whisper, "the fact that you wanted to be a rocket scientist when you were little."


Sark leaned close as well, his lips almost touching Sydney's. "Yes," he whispered back.


Sydney grinned and tousled Sark's hair. "You are so adorable."


Sark smirked at her and raised an eyebrow a bit. "Is that so?"


Sydney leaned closer, her upper lip just barely grazing Sark's bottom lip. Her lips curled slightly to reveal her upper teeth which scraped lightly against Sark's lower lip. "Yes," she purred, "that's so."


Sark flicked his tongue out and ran it across Sydney's lips. Sydney shivered at the ever so slight tickling sensation and claimed Sark's mouth with hers. She felt an aching deep in her core as they kissed and silently wished that Sark wasn't injured as badly as he was so that she could just take him right on the hospital bed. She chuckled at the thought, prompting Sark to ask what was funny.


"Nothing," she said with a catty smile, running her fingertips up Sark's toned arm. Her fingers moved to his chest, and she felt a bandage underneath the standard-issue hospital get-up he was currently sporting. She forced herself not to freak out about the injuries because she knew it would only make her upset and she wouldn't be able on the fact that Sark was alive and she was with him.


Sark caught her hand. "'Nothing' like the 'nothing' when we talked on the phone day before yesterday?"


Sydney froze, remembering the conversation that had left her hot and bothered when she had called Sark from her father's apartment and the two of them had set up a date at the beach before the mission. She licked her lips and purred, "Is it so bad that I want you?"


Sark stiffened (but not like that) and held Sydney's chin in his hand. "Not at all."


Sydney's body was on fire and she knew she had to think of a quick way to cool down. "What's your first name?" she asked in a thoughtful tone, looking directly into Sark's eyes.


Sark smirked at her and replied, "Well, first off, 'Sark' is just an alias. It's not part of my name at all."


"What made you choose it?"


"There's an island in the English Channel with that name. I've been there once or twice and I decided I liked the name and decided to use it," Sark explained with a simple shrug of his shoulders.


"So what's your real name?" Sydney asked, unable to resist the urge to nibble gently on Sark's earlobe. His sharp intake of breath and momentary loss of concentration pleased her.


"'Bryan,'" he said smoothly, managing to keep his voice steady despite the fact that Sydney's tongue was now in his ear.


"'Bryan,'" Sydney echoed, sitting up and looking at Sark. "I like it."


"I'm glad you approve," Sark said with a nod.


"How about your last name?"


Sark frowned. "I hate my last name."


Sydney poked him in the ribs. "Tell me," she said, her tone curious.


Frowning again, Sark mumbled, "It's 'Darling.'"


Sydney ducked her head to hide her grin and giggled a bit. Sark rolled his eyes at her and shook his head. After a moment, Sydney calmed down and said, with as straight a face as she could and a wistful sigh, "My darling Bryan." She managed to hold the straight face for about two seconds before giggling again and this time Sark joined in.


"You see why I didn't use it?" he asked between chuckles. "I used to get teased all the time in school."


Sydney's ears perked up when Sark mentioned school. "What schools did you go to?"


"I went to a boarding school for the most part," Sark told her. "Definitely didn't help when I became interested in girls as it was an all-boys school."


"Yikes," Sydney said sympathetically, then whispered, "although, the idea of"


"Do not even go there, Sydney," Sark ordered, then began chuckling when Sydney cracked up.


"You know, my dad actually sent me to an all-girls school," Sydney admitted.


"Really?" Sark drawled.


"I lasted two days and begged to go back to a regular school," she said with a laugh.


Sark smirked at her. "Damn shame."


Sydney frowned in good humor and mussed up Sark's hair again when he began to chuckle. "Men," Sydney said with a sigh, shaking her head slightly.


"Of course," Sark said with a grin, and Sydney swatted at him playfully.


"So what's your middle name?" Sydney asked after the laughter had died down and the silliness had been taken down a notch.


"It's 'Andrew.'"


Sydney raised an eyebrow and cocked her head to one side. "Wait a minute"


"Oh Christ," Sark muttered, putting his head in his hands.


"'Bryan Andrew Darling,' 'B.A.D.,' 'bad'?" Sydney said, her voice filling with laughter. "The acronym of your name is 'bad'?" Her head dropped onto Sark's shoulder as she giggled insanely.


"Yes, yes," Sark said with an exasperated sigh.


Sydney looked up at him and was careful not to dissolve into another fit of giggles. "Okay, so, wouldn't you say that's a *tad* ironic?" One side of her mouth turned up in an amused grin.


"What makes you say that?" Sark said, hiding his smirk.


"Well gee—" Sydney began, but Sark interrupted her.


"I know what you're getting at, Sydney. Trust me, I do. But, let's just skip that, all right?"


Sydney nodded, wanting to put this behind her. She didn't want to fight, especially about something like this. She had already decided that she and Sark had both led vastly different lives and major chapters of their lives had been finished and new ones had begun. She looked up at Sark and found him staring into her eyes. An amused smile danced across her lips.


"What?"


Sark sighed a bit and ran a hand through his tousled curls. "I'm not sure if I should bring this up, but there's something that I think you should know."


Sydney's eyes darted back and forth as she searched Sark's gaze, trying to figure out what he might be talking about. She swallowed hard and said, "All right."


"Do you remember our first date? When we discussed your last memory before you woke up to find yourself in Hong Kong?"


Sydney suddenly felt weak but she wasn't exactly sure why. "Yes."


"When you said the last thing you remembered was killing Allison Doren?" Sark continued, his voice relatively quiet.


"Yes," Sydney said, hardly above a whisper. She had an idea of where this was going and she was afraid of getting to that point.


Sark was silent, not sure if he should be revealing so much to Sydney. He decided he needed to, though. If things were truly going to work between them, he needed to get this out in the open so it wouldn't weigh on him forever. "I loved her."


Sydney's head snapped up and she stared hard at Sark. "Y-you what?"


"I *loved* her," Sark repeated, more slowly this time. "You asked if we were close, but I wasn't about to tell you that she had been my girlfriend and that in my pathetic little existence she had been the one person who I could truly trust, the one person who knew everything about me. The one person who even had a shred of good feeling towards me." Sark looked down even though Sydney's eyes were focused on the floor rather than boring into his eyes. He felt tears surge into his eyes and he blinked them back.


Sydney considered throwing in the fact that Sark's little girlfriend had killed her best friend in the world, the one person who Sydney had managed to prevent from falling into the spy world. She decided against it and instead leaned back in her chair, the back of her head pressing against the wall. She closed her eyes.


How was she supposed to react to this? Was she supposed to apologize? Was she supposed to say, "Well, gee, Sark, I'm sorry I killed her even though it was really tit for tat because she killed someone very close to me, but that's the way it had to be"?


"No one is truly innocent in this line of work," she said softly. She hoped Sark took that to mean that she felt guilty about harming someone he cared about but that she didn't do it without proper reason.


Sark nodded in simple agreement.


"I don't know what else to say, Sark, I really don't," Sydney said sincerely, and reached for Sark's hand. She avoided his eyes, knowing that eye contact was too much for the both of them right now.


Sark grasped Sydney's outstretched hand. "I understand, Sydney."


The two of them were silent for a while, both of them trying to let the awkward moment pass completely before either one dared say something else.


"How are you feeling?" Sydney asked, turning slightly towards him, but still not looking into his eyes. She was afraid to do so and she had no doubt that Sark was, too.


"Better," Sark answered, grateful that the subject had shifted to something decidedly less serious and decidedly less hurtful for the both of them.


Sydney leaned her head on Sark's shoulder and blinked back the tears that emerged into her eyes. She shuddered when a sob shook her body. "I can't believe I came so close to losing you."


Sark wrapped his arms tightly around her. "Sydney, it's okay. I'm fine and everything's fine." He paused a moment, letting Sydney calm down. "Okay?" he said finally.


"Yeah," Sydney mumbled as she sniffed and burrowed deeper into Sark's neck. "I love you."


"I love you, too, Sydney."


Sark combed his fingers through Sydney's hair and kissed the top of her head. He twisted his head slightly and saw that Sydney had already fallen asleep. He listened to the rhythm of her breathing and watched how the side of her mouth twitched now and then. He stroked her cheek with his palm, his thumb smoothing across her high cheekbone then sliding down until it traced the line of her jaw. She sighed softly and Sark's heart stopped for a moment, creating a tightening feeling in his chest until his heart resumed beating.


She was so beautiful.


Sark held her closer, still watching her sleep. He found himself trying to figure out how he had been so lucky to be able to be with such an amazing woman—a goddess in her own right.


He looked at her again, finding it ironic that he found so much innocence in her face, but it was mixed with an uncertain expression that Sark thought was there because of everything she had gone through. She had a weariness about her that made Sark yearn to protect her. He sighed and kissed her eyelids then leaned his head against hers and slipped into a peaceful slumber.


A/N: Hm Okay, yeah, I really need to write some Sarkney smut. Like, umnow. Especially after writing so much S/V dream sex. Blech. Anyways Oh yeah, I updated 'F.P.' and in one or two more chapters I can finally put the guilt of starting a new story when I had one in progress already behind me. Yay. *hugs everyone*

On a side note, JG, VG, and LO are ALL nominated for Emmy's!! WHOOOO HOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *bounces off the walls* 'Alias' got 11 nominations total, yaay!!