A/N: Oh boy… wow, I don't even know what to say. Our little journey is testing the edge of the shore, and this is the last real chapter before the epilogue and then this story will be over. I've given a sappy message quite often as of late so I will say that although this is the end of the road for Fixing Donnie, it is not the end for me. I will also be rebooting a Coraline AU fic for a Halloween special. In more recent times, when this story has officially come to an end, I will be releasing a mystery drama centered on the girls of TMNT. A name will shortly be released! It will have a softer tone than Fixing Donnie for sure, but will of course a classic angst Sarr story. Also, on writers café I will soon be releasing my poetry compilation (can also be seen on on Instagram) and my own original novel – with info released soon.
Back to Fixing Donnie – We have won first place in Most Vilest Villain (The Psychologist) Best Ally (Casey) Best Dark Fiction and Best Horror in Tumblr's 2016 Best TMNT Fanfiction Awards! I am beyond stoked and I love you all with my whole heart!
And with that, happy reading!
Six Months Later
The ball bounced against the stained wall, traveling over and over again from the force of the floor to the force of the wall to the crescent of his palm. It was amusing and took his concentration, and something he felt he really needed in his life about seven years ago. However, rather than entertainment, Kirby said that the ball was meant to make him feel in control of something he enjoyed. He guessed that makes a little sense.
"Don't get me wrong dude this is fun and all but…why can't I use that spinny thing anymore? April says that thing is crazy hype with the kids up top and-
"Now, now, Michelangelo," Kirby says, "That toy helps ADHD, not PTSD. That's what we're working on here, is it not?"
"ABC, LMNOP! Who can keep track of all these acrosyns?" Mikey pouts.
"It's acronyms, Mikey," Kirby giggles, "But I'm really glad to see you so unstressed."
"Eh, Dad says he has a gift for me later today so I've kinda been hype since sunrise yoga, and you know I hate sunrise yoga. Leo and Splinter must have more than one screw loose for thinking waking up that early in the morning is remotely okay-
"Michelangelo," Kirby reminds him, remembering to keep his hands off the boy and to keep his voice level. "Focus."
"Yeah, right, okay," Mikey responds, scrunching his eyes in thought, "Where were we again?"
"Okay, Mike. I'm going to ask you some questions and I expect you to answer in complete honesty. Is that okay with you?" Kirby asks, pulling out a pen and notepad.
"Yeah, I'm ready," Mikey says, smiling confidently.
"Okay then. Michelangelo," he says, leaning over to grab the boy's wrist in comfort, delicately and slowly so to not bring back flashbacks, "What happened to you?"
The boy takes a deep breath, relaxing until his heart rate went down. He exhales and stretches back. "I am a victim of abuse, manipulation, attempted murder, harassment, and…rape."
"Who is responsible for this?" Kirby says, keeping an even tone.
Mikey is reluctant to respond, lost in the numb blaze that crawled up his skin. It was there, and it wouldn't leave. He wouldn't leave. He was dead and he was burnt to a crisp and yet – here he was, still towering in every inch of the falling sky and haunting Michelangelo to no end. It was dark now, and his logic told him that he was at home with Mr. O'Neil but he certainly could not feel him. He was cold and his skin was wet, the way he fell when he was in the sewers on that lonely, broken night. He could see the way his bones seemed to pry for a burst out of his flesh, and feel cuts opening along his skin and pouring blood to warm him up.
Burn out the day, burn out the night
The song only emphasizes the thunder in his footsteps, the predator stalking his prey. The anticipation for the lightning that was only a few feet away.
I can't see a reason to put up a fight
He's small and inferior, and if he remembers one thing about Donnie's books, he remembers the 9th circle of hell according to Dante and he's pretty sure that this dark cold shack must be it.
I'm living for giving the devil his due
He could see him, appearing so much larger than he did before, as if he could devour the entire universe in a single swallow. In Mikey's world at least, he already had.
I'm burning, I'm burning for you
STOP!
Before the monster could approach him he stands defensively, making everything in that shack freeze. With his hand faced outwards and his glare affirmative, he felt a new sense of power, an entitlement that he couldn't know before.
"You can't trick me ever again! It won't work! You're dead, you're powerless and I am NOT scared of you!"
Alongside the rasp in his throat the monster only begins to shrink, his might and his power cowering down the drain and everything in that shack breaking like shards of glass, all sinking until finally there was nothing left – nothing other than a white room with no walls and a single mirror staring back at him. He looked at his reflection, seeing that he had a lot more dirt than he did before, and scars on his skin which would never subside. It wasn't until now that he saw them as a sign of bravery, accomplishment, survival. Yet he still had the even cut tails of his bandana, he had his baby blue eyes and his cheek freckles, these physical attributes that made him him. He had been through a lot with this boy in the mirror, and he wasn't going to give up on him. Ever.
"It was the fault of my abuser," he says, staring back at himself. "Nothing was my fault. I was a victim, and I am a survivor. It is not my fault."
He shakes a little and opens his eyes, finding himself back in the room with Kirby holding his hand. Nothing there except for him and the yellow stained walls, no noise except the buzz naturally found in the air.
Nothing was real, he imagined everything that happened.
"I am so proud of you, Michelangelo," Kirby says. "You have never said that before."
Mikey snaps back into reality, wiggling his fingers to make sure they're still there.
"Yeah," he giggles ironically, "I guess I haven't. I just didn't know that it could feel so good."
"You are strong, Michelangelo. You are a fighter and you will never stop fighting, for yourself and for others too. You have a spirit with a light too powerful to be simmered, even by the darkest of monsters. You're going to be alright, Mikey," Kirby squeezes his arm affectionately.
"I…I'm going to be alright," he whispers, noticing a parallel mirror looking back at him. He looked sweaty and had eye sacs, but oh did he not feel that way. He felt big, and strong, and so much more whole than he had been in this past awful year.
"I'm going to be alright," he says, standing up and inhaling, seeing his cracked chest move with him.
He turns to Kirby with some kind of mischievous smirk, finally laughing with that big smile which everyone longed to see again. "I'm going to be alright!"
Kirby chuckles in pride, taken by surprise when Mikey charges into him with a hug, pressing his face into the man's blazer. Mikey had been touchy about affection since the nightmare happened, but it was so comforting to see the boy they knew back here in front of him. He hugged him tight in response, hoping with everything he had that he had helped this child grow away from the same life that had consumed himself.
"Thank you, Mr. O'Neil," he muffles, looking up with tears in his eyes, "I would have never gotten better if it wasn't for you."
"Michelangelo, to be honest I wouldn't have started trying to get better myself if I didn't get inspired by you," Kirby smiles, an unpredicted level of fondness for the kid flowing through him.
There was a delicate knock on the door, and Mikey moved his face away with a big smile on his face. He is quick to respond and swing the door open, his father standing before it.
"Hi papa!" he says, jumping to his shoulders for a hug. "You obviously haven't talked with Mr. O'Neil yet, but today is a wonderful day!"
"Oh! Well I'm glad to hear that, Michelangelo!" he says, also taken by surprise but smiling warmly back at his youngest. He looks up to Kirby, wondering how that man who never had too much to say could possibly work so much magic.
"Michelangelo has had excellent progress today," Kirby smiles, quickly removing any remains of his own emotional state. "He has come to the realization that he is well on his path to recovery."
"Is that so, kodomo?" he smiles, kissing his head. "That is absolutely delightful news. In other delightful news, I have brought you a gift."
"A gift?" Mikey exasperates, pretending to be in complete surprise. With their situation, gifts were a rare and very cherished occasion.
Splinter pulls out a brown paper bag from behind his back, handing it to Mikey. His eyes widen, shaking it to take a guess at what's inside.
"Are the guys getting a present too?" he inquired.
"Actually, this one is a special exception," Splinter answers, "But you must not let your pride get ahead of you."
"Alright, alright. It's a few months later than December, I wouldn't have expected you to find-
He pulls out a teddy bear – raggedy, but in the good kind of way. Just the way he liked it.
"W-What's this?" he asks, hanging the bear by its left paw.
"All of your life, you've adored Sir Teds-A-Lot, and it is not fair that you had to lose him," Splinter says, "So the least I could do was to make up for it by finding the new and improved Sir Teds-A-Lot to keep with you from now on."
"Sir Teds-A-Lot 2.0," Mikey whispers in awe, staring at the bear before clenching it tightly to his chest. "I love it dad! I love him! I love you!"
The father caresses his boy fondly as he cuddles with his new bear, feeling warmth in one corner which had been quite chilly as of late.
"You've come a long way, child. I am so very proud of you," Splinter says, Kirby smiling back at him.
Mikey smiles with his eyes closed, nuzzling his face into the fuzzy fabric.
"I'm going to be alright…"
X
Pow. Pow. Pow.
The bag swings in the air's fresh breeze, over shadowed by the pounding range of heat interpreted by the drops of sweat on his forehead. From the time that he was a child, the pounding of his fists was both placid and toxic to Raphael, his only path to trouble but also his only antidote. Not too many things would he consider comfortable, but bruised fists and the sway of a punching bag was definitely one of them.
This familiar mechanism had been abandoned for another one, one with a false antidote, and he would never make that same mistake again.
Reprogramming his body meant learning to feel at home in it again too, and falling back in love with his passion would be the key path. He got completely lost in the motions of his muscles, the blur of colors and the bumping of his heart. The more bruises he felt forming on his knuckles the bigger his smirk grew, and oh lord, did he love being a fighter.
Almost too much to remember being a ninja, and forgetting that he lived with a handful of others.
It was when he turned for water that he noticed his older brother in the doorway, his head quirked in an empty curiosity. He shook his head straight when Raphael caught his attention, blushing in a bit of embarrassment.
"Hey Fearless," Raph nods fondly, picking up a hand towel and wiping the sweat from his freshly reestablished muscle build. "Can I help ya with something?"
"It's just been awhile since I've been in here is all," he says, his eyes searching the dojo.
"It's been awhile since you've seen anything, with your agoraphobic acting ass," Raph teases. "Turns out it isn't so bad to not be such a stranger."
"I know, I know," Leo slides down against the wall, grabbing a drink from Raph's water bottle. "I guess I was just kind of afraid."
"Whoa, hold on a minute. Fearless? Afraid?" Raph mocks, getting a playful smack on the shoulder in response.
"I guess you can say I'm just full of plot twists," Leo laughs sardonically, "They're just gonna keep coming, man. You might as well get used to it."
He leans back and keeps his eyes upward, gazing at the surroundings that had so many memories.
Raph sat in the silence as well, feeling the pulsing in his forehead begin to fade, starting to forget about the adrenaline that hunted on that still wobbly punching bag hanging in front of him.
"Leo?"
His voice sounds like it did when they were kids and when they all shared the same old mattress, once Donnie and Mikey had fallen asleep and Raph felt less obligated to keep an attitude. Simply, rather, to ask a question that he would never want anyone else in the world to hear.
"Yeah Raph?"
Raph exhales and feels the nerves soothe through his fingertips, swallowing the spit in his throat. He wasn't nervous, not at all. He had no reason to be. He just somehow felt that the ice he had been walking on has begun to crack.
"You said you were afraid."
Leo looks at him with a slight eyebrow raise, but not with any judgement. "Yeah. I did."
"What are you afraid of, exactly?"
"Well, I guess a lot of things," he begins, "Memories, the good and the bad. Of course, this room is my childhood and that will never change. Maybe that's even part of it, because times were so much easier then even if they really weren't, if that makes sense. I miss something that I never actually thought I would. Bad memories don't matter anymore and I know that but sometimes I just-
"Slow down there, buddy. Ramble that much and you'll give yourself prostate cancer," Raph interrupts.
"Is that even possible? I assumed that the mutation blocked any sense of fertility," Leo shakes his head, "And besides, you asked anyway, didn't you?"
"Yeah," Raph says, "I was just trying to figure out if there was some personal reason as to why you've been so distant."
Leo grabs his wrist, swiping his thumb along it. "I didn't mean to little brother. It isn't like that."
"Then what is it?" Raph asks, accidentally too aggressively.
"The same way I didn't want you guys to see me when I was fucked up, recovering from addiction is just as hard and it was something I had to do alone. You of all people would understand. You understand, don't you?" Leo asks with a hint of vulnerability.
"I understand," Raph sighs, "I just worried that you losing her would take you with her, and that would have meant I lost both of my best friends."
Leo pulls Raph closer to him, nuzzling his head into the crook of his neck and holding him in the way that a big brother would.
"A part of me did go with her, Raph. And I hope that you will never have to understand what that feels like. I will never be the same person and that is correct – but I will never, ever leave you. Maybe I have a shitty way of showing it, but I have never left you and I never will little brother. I can promise you that."
"To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be me again either. Of course, because what we went through would damage anyone. But that feeling you were talking about…" he hesitates, "I think I just might in the slightest way understand. I would have never ever admitted it before but…I think I may just have felt that way about Casey."
Leo nods in understanding, closing his eyes in serenity of the nakedness in the room, the kind too pure to understand without showing full vulnerability. "That's okay."
Raph nods, wishing so much that he hadn't wasted so many years running away from emotion.
"Well, I think we've had enough wise old deepness in the past year, don't you?" Raph says, getting up and reaching for his hand. "I think it's about time for some overdue physical therapy."
"I don't know man, it's been forever since I even used the old things, I-
"Nonsense!" Raph cuts in, flipping the old sais before swiping at Leo, his katanas blocking them instantly.
"That's a boy!" Raph laughs, swinging into the motions that came with an old spar, feeling a ton of weight slide off his back by feeling that energy without being destructive.
"Hell," Leo says, stopping for a second before jumping in to defend from Raph's attack. "I almost completely forgot about how good this feels. The last time we fought, we were throwing dishes at each other's faces."
"That isn't very honorable, is it Fearless?" Raph smirks, the innocent spark in his eye taking him back to when he was 15 and oblivious to the horrors that existed in the outside world. "Always gonna be Fearless to me, y'know."
"I know," Leo smiles warmly, "And know that I'm always gonna kick your ass."
The two sparred for hours on, laughing and jumping at the return of old moves and everything that had happened and all the crippling pain seemed to fade deep into the background. For now, it was just them two, just brothers who liked to mess around with absolutely no aim.
Splinter may have even passed by at some point, trying to find the source of the racket, and only smiled softly while watching his boys, and finally seeing them for what they were.
Just boys.
X
"This is insane!"
Donatello towered down at the grey water below him, the waves seeming to mock him. The breeze held the sand with it and it smacked the edges of his cheekbones, but since it made her hair flow he wouldn't trade it for the world.
"C'mon D, it isn't so bad!" she giggles, her freckles enough light to take all this mist away. "We've bungee jumped off the Empire State Building, climbed the Statue of Liberty, crashed a Green Day concert wearing black morph suits, and you're scared to do a pier dive?"
"This is a list of reasons to LIVE, if I'm not mistaken!" he says. "This doesn't look like living, April! I never really went to the beach because it kind of gave the scent of imminent death!"
"Oh come on, don't be such a pussycat!" she laughs, "If you don't fear how you're living, you're not living at all. Right?"
"You have to pull a Casey quote on me, don't you?" he pouts playfully. "Why, Lord, must I have fallen in love with a sadist?"
"Guess I'll just have to fall in love with someone else, in that case," she teases, "What an absolute shame!"
He reaches to kiss her protectively, but she catches his face with her hand and holds it an inch away.
"You're going to have to earn that, my Donatello."
"Oh really? And what exactly are the procedures for such an accolade?"
"Donatello Hamato," she kneels, holding her fingertips along his larger one. "Will you jump with me?"
He grabs her by her waist and pulls her with him, both of them soaring down from the pier and plunging into the depths below. He doesn't lose grasp of her when they splash deep into the sea, kicking his feet to guide them to the surface and taking a deep breath of the air.
"That's cold! Jesus!" she says, pushing her stroked strands of auburn hair out of her face, her mascara running down her face.
Yet to him, she was so beautiful.
"Have I earned it yet, O'Neil?" he smirks.
She grabs the back of his head and pulls it snuggly to her lips, the cold touch of the ocean crawling on the spark of their lips intertwining. The air was so bleak, harsh, brisk, cold; yet her lips against his lit a fire in his heart bright enough to burn him from the inside out.
They pull away and he holds her, her head snuggling into his chest as he kisses the top of her hair.
"The sand sure does look appealing," he whispers lovingly, his legs begging to stop pushing against the forces of angry waves.
"You look appealing," she says, crawling onto his back and kissing his neck lovingly as he swims gracefully towards the horizon.
This sure did feel like being alive.
He collapses as they arrive at the sand, attempting to catch his breath and closing his eyes in liberation.
"Poor baby," she says, pulling his head onto her lap and massaging it. "All better?"
He smiles dozily in bliss, his mouth slightly moving and his body leaning into her touch. Opening his eyes and seeing her large, cloudy eyes looking back at him, every time that he saw her looking back at him, he only falls in love even more, with every single passing day.
"I love you," he gasps, losing the power to speak with full force.
She bends down to kiss him, so delicate and so passionate and somehow at the same time. "I love you more."
The next second they were in the car, cruising down the Manhattan freeway and hoping that it was late enough into the night for no one to realize that a mutant was behind the wheel. April never had the patience to get a driver's license but somehow became a kunoichi in two years, and it all tended to look painfully ironic. Donnie, on the other hand, adored any kind of mechanic operation, even one as simple as driving a car down the freeway, but he loved her hand resting on his thigh even more.
They were silent on the ride home, nothing on but a Halsey song that they both didn't really know. The silence was heavy and lavender at once, locking them in that specific place of the atmosphere, but also truly setting them free. Words would only break this force, break her gazes at his hazel eyes that followed the rode.
They got home in the pitch black of the night, and silent serenity even consumed the lively sewer home. They skipped towards the crook of his bedroom, laughing for no reason other than that the air was pushing butterflies into their tummies.
"Donnie?" she asks, laying her back against the bed and stared up at the ceiling with stars in her eyes.
"Yes April?" he asked, lying beside her.
Anything in the world.
She dazes back at him, her hair falling over her cheek and her mouth hanging slightly open, like the words were suspended and blocked by the wetness of her tongue. She moves a finger first, sliding it gently across his cheek and feeling the way his breath dropped, and the restraints couldn't hold her back anymore. She grabbed his chin and kissed him, biting against his lip when he tightly grips both sides of her hips. His cheeks turned red and his lips trembled, and although he had kissed her over and over again somehow this time was different. Somehow this time he was paralyzed with words, yet so captivated by the art of touch and movement.
It only fired higher, a single drop of warm sweat sliding down the side of his face, when she only pushed more forward instead of pulling away.
She leaned towards him, maneuvering until she lay on top of him, feeling so light and so delicate yet so fiery and magic, convincing him that pixies were very much real and that there is one right in front of him. She guides his hand up her waist, tracing it up her chest.
"April are you-
"Shh," she sedated him, sliding her fingers along his temple and sliding it around, gracefully swiping off his bandana. "Let's do it right this time."
The night moved swiftly like a swan through the night, gracefully overtaking the lake and reflecting upon the moonlight amongst it. It was smooth and it was soft, yet burning and heavy all at once. It was like they were a flower which had bloomed once it had met the height of spring, wavering pride in its beauty for it had bloomed after a winter which had frozen the seed.
His head was pounding and his body felt numb, coated in sweat like a blanket of sunlight and his hands still firmly catered upon her shoulders, her shoulders which rose up and down dramatically. She looked back up at him, her eyes half open and her chest still bare, the most exquisite of artworks that the world had ever known.
"I love you, Donatello. I love you and you only, and I will never be prouder to be yours," she whispered.
A tear fell down before his eyelid fluttered down, a soft sloppy smile forming on his face as he tucked her closer to his chest. It was the words he always wanted, he always craved, he always starved for and that he finally had obtained.
He didn't need to say any words, only caress her hair and hum peacefully until she fell asleep. His head still pounded with the memory of her, the feeling of her warm skin and soft body and the way her curves fell under his touch, the sounds she makes and the way she moved to hypnotize him into a spell that would overtake him forever, for eternity. He was hers, and she was his, and tonight had proven that.
He kissed her forehead and cradled her over, laying her head gently against the pillow and sheltering her body with a blanket. He emerges from the bed, his legs shaky and at a loss of balance and the motion hazing him, but he had enough energy to sit at his desk and reach for an old dusty journal that he had put away.
He grabbed an old dull pencil that he hadn't held for a long time and began to write.
My dearest April O'Neil,
Such a paperwork was long overdue, but I think I could say the same about me and you. I haven't forgotten, but it was just now that I remembered how absolutely in love I am with life since you are absolutely in love with me.
Here are 100 reasons why.
#1 – Candy
#2 – Messy Hair
#3 – Good Music
#4 – Warm Naps
#5 – Racing the Alleys
#6 – Finishing (and winning) Deals
#7 – Makeshift Picnics
#8 – Playgrounds at night
#9 – Mikey's pancakes
#10 – Old Memories
#11 – Watching Netflix
#12 – Warm Coffee
#13 – Her yellow sundresses
#14 – Open Meadows
#15 – Car Trips
#16 – Best Friends
#17 – Big Rock
#18 – Laughter
#19 – Singing in the shower
#20 – Soft pajamas
#21 – Reunions
#22 – Halloween Costumes
#23 – New York City
#24 – Fireplaces
#25 – Summertime
#26 – Fresh Raindrops
#27 – Family Portraits
#28 – Giving Gifts
#29 – Rock Concerts
#28 – Bungee Jumping
#29 – An intense hike
#30 – Coney Island
#31 – The winter's first snow
#32 – A new sweater
#33 – That glow in her eyes
#34 – Mikey's stories
#35 – Raph's Hugs (Scarce good)
#36 – Pranking Leo
#37 – Splinter's tea
#38 – Freshly baked cookies
#39 – Freshly bought watermelon
#40 – Leaf Piles
#41 – Stepping in puddles
#42 – Thinking of the future
#43 – Opening a new book
#44 – Good morning kisses
#45 – Goodnight kisses
#46 – Kisses in general
#47 – Tummy Butterflies
#48 – Using a stranger's trampoline
#49 – Sneaking in a swimming pool
#50 – Dreams about her and I
#51 – Finding a new recipe (and failing to cook it)
#52 – Water balloon fights (except for with Mikey)
#53 – Quantum Physics
#54 – Creating a new invention
#55 – Repairing an old invention
#56 – Experiments that work
#57 – Winning a video game
#58 – Skateboarding
#59 – Saving the day
#60 – Killing the Kraang
#61 – Bonfires
#62 – Holding hands
#63 – Singing her to sleep
#64 – Sand beneath your toes
#65 – The sound of the ocean waves
#66 – Finding a new meme (a really good one)
#67 – Laughing until you cry
#68 – Valentine's Day
#69 – Carving Pumpkins
#70 – Picking dandelions
#71 – Making new friends
#72 – Seeing old friends
#73 – Full moons
#74 – A clear sky
#75 – A cloudy sky
#76 – Deep conversations
#77 – Making (and failing to make) homemade lemonade
#78 – Sleeping in
#79 – Yoga on Sundays
#80 – Inside Jokes
#81 – Feeling sentimental
#82 – Scented candles
#83 – Bubble Baths
#84 – Brothers
#85 – Finding a new song
#86 – Fireworks
#87 – Kirby's barbeques
#88 – Pizza gyoza
#89 – Vanilla Ice Cream
#90 – Watching Mikey grow up
#91 – Raph's Emotional moments
#92 – When Leo gets excited
#93 – Talking to Ice Cream Kitty
#94 – Splinter's advice
#95 – Defeating villains
#96 – Recovery
#97 – When she wears lace
#98 – Pier Diving
#99 – Sex.
#100 – April O'Neil
I hope that you can find yourself to agree with me.
Yours truly,
Donatello
