Okay, apparently it looks like Sam has been, well, needing a visit from Missouri's spoon. I hope this chapter clears some of that up!
Chapter 29
Dean entered his therapist's office, wondering what the topic today would be. Probably panic attacks, which was to be expected. He still wondered over Sam insisting to come with him, hoped his brother did not really expect to go in during his appointment. That was not going to happen.
The receptionist called his name. Sam did not look up, but Dean felt his brother's eyes on him until he shut the door.
"Hey, Doc," Dean greeted, shaking his doctor's hand. "What's new?"
"That's my line, Dean," Doc Snyder chided, motioning to the large armchair.
Dean settled in, heard paper crinkling in his pocket. "Oh, Doc, before I forget – can you do me a favor?"
"What's that?" Doc Snyder paused, turning back to watch him.
Dean pulled the paper out of his pocket. "Would you give this to Susan for me? She asked me to bring it for Rae's next visit, but I thought she might like to read it ahead of time."
"Is that the English paper about how her birth parents died?" He asked, taking it from Dean.
"Yep." Dean settled back into the chair. "How did you know that? You two share notes or something?"
Doc Snyder smiled at him. "As a matter of fact, we do, especially if we're treating family members. I think I'm seeing your brother next."
Dean's head jerked up. "Sam has an appointment with you next?"
The doctor checked his schedule. "Yes, he does. You didn't know that?"
Dean groaned. "He hasn't been exactly open with me lately." He rolled his eyes. "Well, maybe there has been a lot of that going around."
"Is that so?" He saw the doctor's eyes drop to Rae's paper, scanning it. "Hang on a minute, Dean."
He wondered if this would happen. Doc Snyder finished reading Rae's paper and stared over the top at Dean. "That's a copy," Dean told him, "you can put it in her file."
"We will. Is that…" Doc Snyder pursed his lips, like he could not quite find the right words. "Is this an accurate representation?"
"Pretty much," Dean replied with a nod.
"I mean, how much of this has been, uh, blown out of proportion?" Snyder sounded like he was choosing his words carefully.
Dean frowned, shrugged. "Not sure. I didn't get there until after her parents were eaten. That part is pretty accurate, though."
The doctor's eyebrows shot up at that. "Seriously? I mean," he looked around, "this isn't one of those hidden camera shows, is it?"
"No, it's her freaking life," Dean snapped. "And if you can't handle that," he pushed out of the chair, moving to snatch the paper away.
"No, no," Doc Snyder slapped his folder shut, Rae's paper inside it. "I didn't mean it that way. I just…" He motioned to the chair again. "Dean, please sit."
Dean remained on his feet, glaring.
Doc Snyder blew out a long breath. "I haven't run into anything quite like this before, that's all. It just took me by surprise. I'll make sure Susan reads it before Rae's next appointment. I'm sure she'll want to discuss it. Dean? Please?"
Grudgingly, Dean took his seat, glaring daggers.
"Now that you've brought it up, maybe we should discuss it? I mean, her adoption started with saving her from some man-eating grizzly, that's enough to make anyone overly protective. You saved her. You really, literally saved her."
"Yeah. So?" Dean demanded, not reassured yet.
"What is that like? For you?"
Dean sighed, rolling his eyes. Yeah, this was more like what he expected.
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For the first time Guy Snyder was grateful to be splitting a family with Susan. She probably had the more difficult patient, the girl. But the father, he was a piece of work all by himself. First he rescued the girl, took her right out of the bear's cave, then adopted her. Okay, that Snyder could see, understand. So now the adoptive father of seven years is overly protective and probably possessive of the girl, who was just entering the teen years, and he could not handle the fact that boys were starting to notice her.
He met her, briefly, during Dean's first visit to his office. She was cute, he could see why she was already attracting attention. The magazines may play up the anorexic blondes, but a sweet fresh face, round cheeks and soft brown hair could have teenage boys falling out of their chairs. For all the horror she had seen in her young life, Rae was still an innocent. Before meeting with Dean today, Snyder read over Susan's notes and wanted to accuse her of making up the whole 'never heard of incest or child molestation' comment, but she was adamant about it. Talking with Dean, he could see why.
Dean appeared completely honest with the answers he was willing to give. Some things the man just refused to discuss, glaring at him and demanding to know what that had to do with panic attacks. It took some work, but eventually Snyder was able to pry out of the man sitting stiffly across from him that Dean had no say in moving here or in how their lifestyle changed so abruptly. Apparently once Dean agreed to settle in one place his brother took the initiative in selecting the city, the apartment, Rae's school, even to the point of arranging Dean's job interviews. And that was the brother he needed to meet with next.
"Don't say anything to him, Dean," Snyder cautioned. "He may be just as stressed as you are at this point."
Dean glared at him with guarded eyes before nodding curtly, pushing out the door. Snyder watched the brief exchange between the brothers before hurrying to his desk, trying to look like he had not been observing.
"Sam," he greeted, holding out a hand, "good to see you again."
Snyder noticed the careful way Sam shook his hand, applying even pressure that would not be too light or too hard, unlike Dean who wanted you to know he could take charge any second.
"Doc. Uh, where do I sit? I do sit, right?" Sam looked around his office.
Snyder chuckled. "No couches in here. Sit wherever suits you." He gestured to the three chairs in front of his desk. Dean always selected the one furthest from the door. This time he had even rearranged the chairs to see if it was the position or the type of chair. It was position. Sam selected the most comfortable chair, which was in the middle. "So what brings you in today, Sam?"
Sam cleared his throat, looking both nervous and guilty. "Uh, well. You know, I'm not sure I can explain it without sounding…stupid."
Snyder smiled. "Nothing leaves this room, Sam. If you need to sound stupid, then go right ahead. I am not here to judge you."
Sam's eyes darted to the closed door again. "Those doors are pretty thick, right? I mean, Dean tried to listen in when you were talking to Rae, but I don't think he heard anything."
"The thickest we could find. Susan has experimented with scream therapy, so the offices had to be soundproofed," he explained.
"That's good," Sam mumbled, eyes roving over the room. "You really have a lot of books in here."
"Sam," Snyder cleared his throat, "you brother wasn't this evasive his first time here. Now what's going to make you sound so stupid?"
Sam's hands clutched the chair arms, his knuckles turning white under the pressure. "I, uh, I'm not sure I fit in with my family anymore."
Okay, so he was right about Sam's stress level. "What do you mean, Sam? How do you feel that you're not fitting in?"
Sam took a deep breath before plunging ahead. "Well, I'm just an uncle, right? And now I guess Dean's decided that Bobby can fill-in for our dad, and is calling him Rae's grandfather, and he seems so relaxed with Bobby around. Before Bobby showed up, I didn't even notice how uptight he was." Sam sighed. "Did he tell you he had a panic attack a couple of months before we moved here? And not only did I not notice, I blew him off!"
Snyder set his pen down, choosing to maintain eye contact with Sam instead. He had a tape recorder in his desk anyway, so he would be able to catch up on his notes later. "Now, Sam, I know Dean never used the words panic attack and I seriously doubt he would have admitted to panicking at all. Do you remember what he did tell you?"
Sam groaned, running both hands through his hair. "Something about a boy looking at Rae in the pizza parlor." He shrugged. "As protective as Dean is, I really didn't think anything of it at the time."
"Right," Snyder leveled a finger at Sam, "and Dean never brought it up again, right? Even after he experienced a few more?"
Sam's eyes widened. "There were more?"
Snyder pursed his lips, regretting that slip. Well, how was he to know that Dean only told his brother about the first one and not any of the others? "That's not the point I'm making here. Now, let's get back to this Bobby person. Who is Bobby and why would Dean need a fill-in for your dad?"
Sam's adam's apple bobbed a bit before he answered. "Bobby is an old friend of the family, a friend of dad's." The fingers of his right hand drummed mercilessly on the armrest. "I don't know when they got so close, either."
"Your dad and Bobby?" Snyder asked.
Sam's head shook. "Dean and Bobby. I mean, I know they knew each other before…" He swallowed hard. "But since then, it's always let's call Bobby or maybe Bobby can help with that."
"Since when, Sam?" Snyder felt lost, like he was only hearing one side of a conversation.
Sam's eyes locked with his. "Since Dad died. It was really hard, you know? On both of us, but mostly on Dean. Dean idolized the man, had absolute blind faith in him. Afterwards…" Sam shrugged, his voice dropping to a hoarse whisper. "I thought I was going to lose him, too."
Snyder cleared his throat, trying to break the sudden tension in the room. "So, after your dad died, Dean started building a good relationship with this Bobby, a man I assume is near your father's age?" Sam nodded. "And that's a problem?"
Sam stood, paced the room a few times before stopping to grip the back of the chair. "I didn't notice," he finally said. "I knew they were friends, but I didn't notice."
"Notice…" Snyder prompted. Wow, Sam was far more open than Dean. He could learn a lot here.
"The whole father figure thing!" Sam exploded. "What does he need that for anyway?"
Snyder considered the question. "Well, Sam, there are a lot of reasons Dean may feel he needs a father figure in his life. You just said that he idolized your father, had blind faith in him. I take it you didn't?" When Sam's face darkened, he held up both hands. "No judgments here, Sam. I'm just trying to understand the situation."
Sam shook his head. "No, we didn't exactly get along. The last time we spoke, I tried to pick an argument with him."
"Tell me, Sam. Is there someone you look to for stability in your life? Maybe even guidance occasionally? Someone you know has your best interests at heart and you can depend on unconditionally?" He knew he might be reaching a little with that last bit, but Snyder decided to trust his gut instincts on this one.
"Sure. Dean." The response was automatic, Sam did not even need to think about it. "So?"
"So, Sam, you already have your fill-in, and you've had him all along. Is it so terrible for Dean to need one, too?" Snyder asked, having to look up at his patient who was still standing.
Sam looked a little dazed. "But…he's my brother. That's what brothers do."
Snyder shook his head. "I think I'm starting to see the problem. Sam, you're jealous."
"No, I'm not!" Sam snapped, glaring. He could see the family resemblance in that ice-cold glare.
"It's okay, Sam. That's a perfectly normal response. You clearly recognize just how much your brother means to you, how much you need him, how much you depend on him to always be there for you. And you want to be the same thing for him. Have you considered that maybe it isn't possible for Dean to accept you in that kind of a role?" Snyder's mind raced ahead, attempting to define this for both of them. "Dean is a care-giver. He lives to look after others, which is the reason he adopted Rae in the first place. I understand that you didn't think it was a good idea, considering your nomadic lifestyle."
Sam shook his head again, leaning forward over the back of the chair. "But she grew on me."
"I can tell," Snyder agreed, "you became responsible for her home-schooling and even took on sole responsibility for moving the family here, right?" He waited for Sam to nod before continuing. "You would have to ask Dean, of course, but I suspect he is comfortable with you in the role of younger brother and, from the way he talks about you, best friend. Tell me, how long has he been a father figure to you?"
Stunned, Sam just stared without answering. The tall man slunk around the chair, sinking into it heavily. "Did he, uh, call me his best friend?" His voice sounded hopeful.
"Well, Dean didn't use those exact words, but that was certainly my impression," Snyder replied, hoping this was not breaching his patient's confidence. He checked his watch. "Well, we still have about fifteen minutes. Would you like to talk about your niece?"
"So Dean did tell you about the kidnapping and his nightmare last night?" Sam asked, still looking a bit dazed.
Snyder frowned. "Dean had a nightmare about the kidnapping when Rae was little? What do you think provoked it?"
Sam shook his head. "No, Rae was kidnapped yesterday. So he didn't tell you."
"Is…is…" Snyder stumbled for the right words, this new information hitting him like an out of control freight train.
"She's fine. Didn't even have a nightmare, which we all expected. Dean did instead." Sam leaned his head back against the chair. "He's really going hate that we're both seeing you, you know. I doubt I'll be back, so he'll keep coming." Sam chewed his lower lip. "You want to take the last of my time to talk to him? About yesterday?"
"Sam, here is what I want: I want you to stop blaming yourself for your brother's panic attacks. While I do think you've been a contributing factor, I think it was simply because you had no idea what was going on. Dean feels out of control of his life. Boys are looking at his little girl like she isn't so little any more. You moved them here, he had no say in where you all moved. Actually, it sounded like Rae had a lot more input than he did." He held up a hand to ward off Sam's protest. "And I'm sure he asked for it to be that way, Sam. But my point is, while you're brothers, you are also partners. You're raising this girl together and you need to act like it."
Sam chewed his lip a moment. "Dean has been, lately. He's been backing up whatever I tell her, saying things like 'you heard your uncle.' He even lets me talk to her more than he used to."
"He wasn't letting you two talk?" Snyder asked, wondering just how possessive his other patient was.
"Well, he didn't want us arguing, so anytime he thought we might be disagreeing, Dean stepped in and shut us down." Sam shrugged. "We've talked about that and we're both working on it. And I'm taking his side against the boys. We're trying to figure out how we can threaten a judge's son without being arrested."
Snyder shook his head. That was definitely for another session, they were almost out of time. "Let me ask you one more thing before you leave. When you talk to Rae, how do you refer to Dean? Do you call him Dean, your dad, or Dad?" Snyder asked, wondering why in the world Dean would withhold the situation about Rae. Perhaps it was too recent for him to discuss. He needed to reassess Dean later, before he went home. There was more depth to that one than he initially saw.
Sam frowned, cocking his head to one side. "Uh, I guess usually Dean. Sometimes I say 'your dad'."
"If you don't mind a recommendation? Try calling him her dad a little more often. I suspect they could both use that reinforcement, especially since Dean makes it a point of referring to you as her uncle. Just the fact you're worried about your relationship with your brother is a good, healthy sign. I'm sure you'll find a way to talk to him about it. As for Bobby? Well, try not to let it threaten you. With the way your brother talks about you, I really don't think you have anything to worry about." Snyder stood, offering his hand again. "I'm sorry, Sam, but our time was up about five minutes ago. Looks like I'll have to work late tonight."
Sam stood, took his hand. "Thanks, Doc. Uh, you've been a help." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I doubt I'll be back, I'm sure Dean's going to chew me out over this, but thanks."
"Have a good day, Sam."
