Otako walked forward as he saw them. His expression was guarded, masked. But it was the casual kind of mask that marked members of the trade; Nicole wore a similar mask reflexively, whenever she was in any company except Liara's, or possibly Anderson's. Otako's hands were loose at his side, and Nicole could see no weapon. He didn't want a confrontation, that much was obvious.
So what does he want?
"Nicole Shepard." Otako made no pretenses about the "Red Dragon." To be honest, Nicole was relieved. As good as she was at playing it, she found the smoke-and-mirrors act with her identity annoying. "I was hoping to have a word."
"What do you want me to do?" Garrus asked quietly.
"Nothing," Nicole replied, just as quietly, "Just walk back, and make sure neither Jack nor Grunt do anything stupid."
Garrus nodded, and doubled back as discreetly as he could manage. Nicole disabled first the hologram over her eye, so that Otako could see her right eye clearly. Then Nicole entered the command to cause the wire mask to recede.
"Spectre Solban. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Likewise. Unfortunately, I am here on business. May I first confirm that you killed the Spectre Tela Vasir?" The mask remained perfectly in place on Otako's face, as it was on Nicole's. She nodded. "May I ask why?"
"She was trying to kill Liara T'soni. On behalf of the Shadow Broker."
"You work for the Shadow Broker now."
"Yes." Nicole's face betrayed nothing. This part of the act threatened to itch at her scar, but she forced herself away from it. She was just reciting. Acting. She'd been able to smile perfectly well from the age of twelve, but only as an act. She was acting now. "And I killed the person Vasir was trying to kill. But at the time, my allegiances were different, and I was obliged to kill Spectre Vasir. I regretted that, because I respected her. But I had a job to do."
"As do I. I believe your answer will suffice for the Council." Otako hit a command on his omnitool. "You were not in Citadel space at the time. As ill-fated as Tela Vasir's encounter was with you, the Citadel cannot take any direct legal action against you, given that she was technically violating Illium law. I would not, however, count on having your Spectre status reinstated." This last was said with such a subtle twinkle of amusement that Nicole knew it had to be intentional.
"I'm fairly content with my position in the Brokerage."
"I was curious about that, actually. Is 'Red Dragon' your official title?" Otako sounded so sincerely interested that Nicole was taken aback for a moment. She permitted herself a small smile.
"Technically, I suppose it is. It has more of a ring to it than 'personal problem-solver' at any rate."
"Quite." Otako returned her fleeting smile. "There was one other question I was hoping to ask you. Though it is quite a personal one, and I would understand if you chose not to answer."
"I have a choice?" Nicole arched an eyebrow. Otako chuckled.
"It is nice to know that my fearsome reputation, at the very least, remains. We are in the heart of your power on a world where the Citadel means next to nothing. I am an old man in failing health, and you are a deadly warrior in the prime of her strength. I daresay you could reduce me to chunks with less effort than it would take you to board your ship. So, yes, Red Dragon Nicole Shepard. As your people say, you have all the cards."
"All right," Nicole said, unable to completely dismiss the warning of imminent threat in her stomach. She knew too much about what Otako Solban could do with a basic Scorpion pistol to think of him as harmless. "What's your question?"
"What does it feel like to die?"
It took Nicole several seconds to process this question, the one question which, absurdly, no one had thought to ask her. Perhaps no one had the audacity. In either case Nicole herself had scarcely even thought of her own death—she preferred not to think of it in the same way she preferred not to think of her own body, or Dr. Gabreau, or just what her hands could do to a human neck. Those realities clouded at the periphery of her thoughts like phantoms too horrific to look at directly. Now she found herself looking at one of them. Remembering….
"In the moment immediately before my death I hallucinated. I saw the face of a loved one. Regrets. That sort of thing." Nicole's face twitched in an abandoned attempt at a smile. "Brain chemistry breaking down. After that, nothing. I don't have any memories of the time in-between. I have fleeting recollections from the revival, but … nothing from when I was dead. If you're looking for some kind of evidence of an afterlife, I'm afraid I can't give it."
Otako smiled, genuinely, and nodded.
"I suppose I was expecting to hear as much. You appreciate my curiosity, I'm sure. But now I have a gift for you." Otako activated his omnitool and sent a file over to you. "While I was attempting to track you down I met an enterprising young man named Richard Jenkins. He did some digging, and he found something attached to a Mars government account. An old will. You should see it."
For the second time Nicole was too stunned to say anything. Finally, with a rush of hasty movement that was unlike her, she fumbled at her omnitool and accepted the file. She looked back at Otako too quickly. Surprise and jumbled emotion was making her breath come faster, but she controlled that once she was aware of it.
"Thank you. How is he? Jenkins, I mean."
"Quite well. I believe he is in a very serious romance with a charming young woman." Otako's smile flickered. "I think she may be one of the trade."
"One of the trade?" Nicole asked sharply, her attention suddenly roaring back to the forefront of her mind. "What trade?"
"Our trade," Otako supplied. "By the name of Evelynn Saltore. Not a name I've heard of, but it was easy to see."
Nicole relaxed, and almost smiled.
"I've heard of the name. He'll be fine."
"Good. He was a sweet young man and I hate to see people like that die before their time." Otako said this in a very matter-of-fact way, and bowed his head. "It has been a pleasure. As your people say, adieu."
"Actually, my native language is English," Nicole said, amused. Otako's smile didn't flicker.
"Your great-grandmother on your father's side was French-Canadian. Attached to that file is your family history, as well. I thought you would like to have it."
"Why do you have my family tree?" Nicole asked, out of nothing but surprise. Otako's smile widened as he made his way to leave.
"Because if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well. I say again. It has been a pleasure, Nicole Shepard. Adieu. A fascinating phrase. It means something to the effect of 'go with god,' if I understand it correctly?"
"Something like that," Nicole said, bowing her head as he turned to leave. "I speak French, but I come up a little blank with respect to god."
XXX
The retrofitters had ousted her from the Dragon's Nest, so in the interim she had taken to working down in the mess with the readout from her omnitool. None of the new Broker staff had moved on board yet, so she didn't have to worry about competing for space. But she did have to keep the damn Caretaker's mask on at all times, and that dress. She planned to have some more practical clothing brought on board before they departed, but as of this moment she was obliged to keep playing her role. Her omnitool beeped, and a red slitted eye appeared on a hologram; Nicole's symbol. Liara rushed to answer the message, sticking to text. Best not to say too much aloud; try as she might, Liara failed to entirely hide the affection in her voice when she spoke to Nicole. Fortunately her and Nicole were using a remarkably secure version of the standard omnitool texting app.
R-DRGN: Liara. Need privacy. Is the Nest ready?
Caretaker: No, the retrofits are ongoing. Is something wrong?
R-DRGN: No. Can we book a hotel? Something I need to do in private.
Caretaker: Of course, we have several arrangements with hotels and inns. Do you need to be alone?
R-DRGN: No. I received a copy of my brother's will. Can't view it alone.
Nicole terminated the conversation before Liara had a chance to respond. Hastily she deployed one of those "arrangements" she'd mentioned with a five-star hotel called the Olessian Obelisk, a name which referenced both an ancient Thessian city-state, and its famous religious ruin. It was known for, among other things, providing sound-proofed rooms which were regularly swept for any listening devices. Since the people who did the sweeping were in the Shadow Broker's employ—that was to say, heremploy—Liara had every faith that these sweeps were thorough.
Liara went up to the elevator to meet Nicole in the airlock, and when she emerged onto the CIC she found Nicole directing the Justicar and the assassin to EDI in order to arrange living quarters. Nicole didn't stop speaking when Liara appeared in the elevator, and Liara, keeping up her part in the act, waited patiently outside the elevator. The Caretaker, of course, would not be intimidated by a Justicar, or too interested in the assassin; but it took Liara a great deal of effort to pretend to be neither of these things. Everything she had heard about Justicars took on grotesque proportions in reality, in the overlong black tusks of her mask and the broad pauldrons of her armour. Thane was an unassuming, quiet man, but he was much more interesting to her. He made few requests, except that he be given a dry, quiet section of the ship to stay in.
It was only as she watched Thane that she noticed Nicole—Nicole, not as cool or collected as her usual self. Nicole, almost jittery, forgetting to re-activate her mask and visor. Liara had been so obsessed with the thought of finally gaining access to the assassin that she had nearly failed to process Nicole's words.
She had received a copy of her brother's will. Once Samara and Thane were taken care of, Nicole ordered Garrus, Grunt, and Jack to all "find something to do" on Illium, and made her way over to Liara with more haste than the Red Dragon should have had when she went to the Caretaker. It took all of Liara's willpower not to reach out and take her hand. Nicole's hands were laying awkwardly at her sides, like she didn't know what to do with them.
"Do you have the—room?" Nicole seemed to struggle to find the right word. Liara responded with only as ominous a nod as she could muster. She barely trusted herself to speak. She settled on the least emotional thing she could say and said merely,
"Transportation has been arranged outside." Even then, if the filter on her mask wasn't working, she probably would have sounded too concerned. Nicole nodded, and Liara led the way outside, as Nicole's companions all shuffled past her. Only Garrus looked concerned, and in that instant Liara could not help but love him for that. They made their way through the airlock and towards the transit car that Liara had called down to the edge of her hangar. Nicole, in her armour, had a bit of a hard time getting inside; Liara, in her stilts, had a similar problem ducking beneath the open hatch. Once they were inside, Liara wanted to take off her mask—but this car didn't have the same security precautions that the Olessian Obelisk did. So they had to sit in silence. Liara would have given anything just to reach out and take Nicole's hand. But this was Illium, and no matter how much you payed for a transit car, you could never vouch for the motivations of its owner.
So she was silent. The car took them to the Obelisk's base level, a grand plaza so expansive that there was hardly any traffic. As they got out, they walked down a long garden path that had oliat trees on either side; their tall, slender trunks were pure white, and their leaves were a red as vibrant as Nicole's hair. The hotel itself was a slim tower, all-black in appearance save for curved buttresses and bulkheads in muted purple and blue. As they went inside, Nicole re-activated her wire mask, but not the hologram over one eye. She also turned off the red slit of light in her eyepatch which made it resemble a dragon's eye. At the front gate there was an asari in a black-and-white suit, who nodded as they approached and opened the door.
"We have been expecting you," the woman said, with surprising aplomb for someone who had only been informed ten minutes ago that two extremely powerful Shadow Broker agents would be taking a high-rise suite. "Should we expect any luggage?"
"Perhaps," Liara said coldly. "We would prefer to be left alone."
"Of course, ma'am."
And so they were left alone. Liara led Nicole through the foyer—which stank so richly of opulence that Liara was surprised she could not smell it—and to the elevator. Once they were inside, Liara inputted the command for the forty-eighth floor; to be safe, she'd booked the entire forty-eighth floor at double the going rate. "Arrangements" with the Shadow Broker tended to be very profitable, which was why establishments such as the Obelisk had such arrangements in the first place. Liara picked the nicest room, on the somewhat childish impulse that Nicole, who would not care in the slightest, deserved to have a nice room. She took Nicole inside a suite which had a richly furnished bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom. The walls were a dark, rich brown like chocolate, and the furnishings were variously silverish metals and crystal fixtures, all high-class in a way that neither of them cared about, though for different reasons.
She closed the door behind her. Immediately Nicole ripped off her eyepatch and threw it on the bed. Liara followed suit and tore off her mask and threw it next to Nicole's, grinning at last.
"Finally. I'd forgotten what it feels like to breathe properly. And smile."
Nicole didn't respond at first. She sat down on the bed and looked up at her. A weak smile faltered on her face.
"Sorry."
"Nonsense. I understand. Would it be all right for me to sit down next to you?" Nicole nodded. Liara sat down next to her, and between the clumsiness of her stilts and the sagging valley Nicole's weight made in the bed, she found herself slipping down towards Nicole. Liara tried to get her balance as she kicked off her stilts, and wound up throwing her arms around Nicole for balance. "Ah! Sorry, Nicole, I didn't expect that to happen." Liara tried to right herself on the bed, but to her surprise Nicole took Liara's hand in hers, and leaned closer to her.
"I know I'm bad at this," Nicole said. She was speaking very softly, almost distantly. "I wish I wasn't. You're the only person I feel safe around, but this stupid—I hate that a part of me wants to pull away. I hate that."
"Nicole, don't worry about that," Liara said, even as she wondered if it would be going too far to brush her palm along Nicole's cheek.
"No, I—it's important to me that you know none of this stuff is your fault. The fact that I flinch, or that my back stiffens, or—you know. None of that is because of you."
"I know." Nicole's armoured shoulder was digging into Liara's unarmoured one, and truthfully it hurt. But Liara didn't care. She was more than willing to endure a little discomfort, a little pain, for Nicole's sake. Nicole had been through so much worse. "Do you need time? Or to talk, or—"
"There's not much to say," Nicole said simply, shrugging. "A Spectre was researching me on the Council's behalf, and Jenkins dug up some old record or something. Found my brother's will. I've already taken a glance, there—there are two files with my name attached." Nicole blinked more rapidly than Liara had ever seen. "I'm sorry about all this, I just … I just didn't know what to do."
"You're allowed to not know what to do sometimes, you know," Liara said, just because it was the first thing that popped into her mind. There was a swooping sensation of victory in her stomach at the smile on Nicole's face. "You'll do what you need to do. And I'm here. If that means you just hold onto those files for a while longer, than that's what it means."
"What the hell did I do to deserve you?" Nicole murmured. Liara laughed. They weren't looking at each other's faces, but Liara thought that was probably easier on Nicole.
"People don't fall in love with actions. They fall in love with people." Nicole turned towards her, so Liara permitted herself to look in her face. Her perfectly beautiful, angular face. Liara sometimes missed the smaller scars she'd once had, only as familiar, favourite details. Though Nicole's eyes had always been the most beautiful part of her face, in Liara's estimation. "And I fell in love with you."
Nicole looked away, and Liara felt that familiar swoop of victory as Nicole's cheeks were dusted with red.
"Sorry," Liara said. "I just promised myself I wouldn't let myself go so long without saying that. Not again. 'Partners in crime' has a nice ring to it, but it's not quite the full picture of how I feel."
Nicole's hand was still in hers. Nicole squeezed, very gently for someone so strong.
"Me too. I'm just bad at this kind of thing. I wanted to say it earlier. Back on the ship."
"But it's hard for you," Liara supplied.
"Yeah."
Silence. And then:
"I love you."
XXX
Liara stayed there holding her for quite a long time. For once Nicole lost track of time. Her mind felt frozen—she wasn't sure if that was a bad thing. Eventually Liara got up and made something to drink. Asked Nicole if she wanted anything. Nicole realized she was very hungry, so they had a meal brought up. Liara didn't seem to want to break the silence, probably worrying about what that would do to Nicole if it wasn't the right time for it. Nicole was torn between hating that Liara had to be so damn considerate, and feeling immeasurably grateful that she was. Eventually, food came, and they sat at the table to eat. Asari food was almost unbearably salty by human standards, but Nicole's stomach was tough enough to take it, and she was used to ignoring the taste of things.
"You can't be enjoying this as much as I am," Liara said, finally, in-between mouthfuls of what was a very fancy asari dish but which to Nicole tasted more or less like leaves doused in seawater. "I'm sorry, I should have thought to order something human."
"The truth is I barely notice," Nicole said honestly, as she took a spoonful and swallowed. "I was trained at a pretty young age to not notice the taste of things. Except for poison. I'm pretty sure that's why Gabreau didn't just take my sense of taste away." Nicole surprised herself by speaking so frankly about it. Surprised herself even more by the fact that it didn't bother her.
"Have you ever thought about what kinds of food you like?"
"There was this one thing," Nicole said, in-between spoonfuls of soup. "On Earth, Anderson had it. He called it pizza. Actually," Nicole smiled, "He called it 'really shitty pizza,' which I'm pretty sure was a requirement. According to him, it had to be greasy. Lots of cheese."
"I could have ordered that instead," Liara said, almost pouting. "If I'd known." Nicole laughed.
"I seriously doubt the Olessian Obelisk offers pizza on their menu."
"You're forgetting who we are, Nicole." Liara smiled confidently. "The Olessian Obelisk will get us anything I ask for."
"Upshot of dating the Shadow Broker, I guess," Nicole said. The word 'dating' felt strange in her mouth, even though she supposed that was what they'd been doing for the past several months—or years, if you counted the time she'd spent dead. Liara actually giggled when Nicole said the word—giggled. The Shadow Broker had just giggled.
"Sorry. I suppose I was waiting longer than I realized to hear you say that. Categories, and all that."
"Very important to archaeologists."
"And Shadow Brokers." Liara was joking, but something about the way she said it gave Nicole pause. She looked down at the dregs of the purplish soup she'd been eating and sighed.
"I think I'm ready. For the will."
"You don't have to be."
"I know. But with you—I think I can be. It's a hologram, so he'll actually be there. An image of him, I mean. It'd be easier if it was just text."
"You could just extract the audio and have it translated?" Liara suggested. Nicole shook her head.
"No. I don't want what's easier. I want to see him. To hear him. I've … had a lot of questions about my brother. About everything. I don't know if this will answer anything, but it might. Even if it doesn't … I'd like to see his face again. Just so I can remember what he looks like."
"Whatever works best for you, Nicole," Liara said. Nicole took a breath, and stood up. She always felt awkward in her body, in situations like this. Especially in her armour, she took up too much space in this room. She tried to shake the feeling off. She knew it was just nerves, anxiety—the dregs of her subconscious swilling to the surface when confronted with something of great personal significance. But that didn't mean she could make it go away. Nicole walked over to the bed and sat down. Shortly afterwards, Liara joined her. Nicole was strangely relieved that Liara didn't ask permission, this time.
The holographic artifact that represented the "play" command for her brother's will hovered in mid-air, above her wrist. It was just a small, angular polygon, like all of Nicole's holograms. Liara had several cute creatures for a few of hers.
"You know, whatever happens, I'm still here. That won't change." Liara reached out with her hand once again, and Nicole took it gratefully.
"Thanks. I don't remember much about him, except flashes here and there. And there's things—Gabreau using his name. Maybe I just have this idea in my head about how he was this great person who loved me. Maybe none of that was true. Maybe I was just his lab experiment."
"I've seen some of your memories, too. He never spoke to you like a lab experiment, Nicole. I'm confident this—whatever it is—will show that."
Nicole stopped herself from asking "What if it doesn't?" The old impulse to always be productive was still buried deep from where Gabreau had trained it into her. There was no point in waiting around and agonizing. Sooner or later she'd flip that hologram and turn on her brother's will. No matter how much time she spent dreading it, she'd never be ready.
So here it goes.
She swiped the "play" hologram. After a short delay, a holographic, red-tinted image of her brother appeared exactly in the room. He was wearing a t-shirt, and jeans, and his face was slightly different than Nicole remembered. Not quite so chubby, and not quite so much like her; his eyes were a darker shade of green, and the laugh lines of his face made it seem like he was always a second away from smiling. He was smiling, now, though in a very strange way. He wore glasses—and he took them off and cleaned them with the edge of his shirt, apparently without thinking. He put them back on.
"Hey, Nicky." The warmth in her name was exactly the way she remembered it. She realized she was holding in her breath, and took in a great shuddering gulp of air, squeezing Liara's hand.
"You know, they tell you when you're doing these things that it's a bad idea to start with 'If you're watching this, then I'm already dead' … but I failed all the psych courses I took." Her brother's ghost smiled broadly as he poked fun at himself. "And you know how I like old sci-fi clichés. But the truth is, I hope you never have to watch this video. I hope … I hope that at some point or another I work up the courage to tell you the truth. I've promised myself that I'll do that when you turn sixteen. I figure, you'll be emotional enough at that age to give me the kick in the ass that I deserve." Ryan smiled, looking at the floor. "But probably not. You're a sweet girl. So, if I die before you're sixteen, or I'm a coward, I'm recording this now. Because you deserve to know the truth."
The holographic Ryan wiped his glasses again, but he kept speaking, looking away from the camera.
"I told you I did some genetics work, but I, uh, never really mentioned the depth of it. The truth is, I'm a double-doctor." There was that grin of his again. "Ph. D. in Human Genetics and an M.D." Ryan took a great breath, put his glasses back on, and looked directly at her. Nicole flinched. "When I was very young, I was working on a genetics project for my doctoral dissertation. It was an attempt to sequence the perfect version of human DNA. Flawless. To figure out how to genetically code for … perfection." Ryan's mouth twisted around the word, and again he glanced down at the floor, looking almost lost. "All I ever wanted was to help people. I thought—I thought with this first step, we could have a kind of cure for things like family histories of diabetes and cancer, or genetic defects. That kind of thing."
Nicole realized her pulse was racing, and she was holding her breath again. Carefully, she controlled her breathing. She wanted to pay attention.
"But what I didn't count on was—you guessed it. Military interest." Ryan's mouth was definitely in a frown now. "There was this guy with the Alliance. Dr. Henry Gabreau."
"No," Nicole whispered. Liara squeezed her hand.
"He kept insisting that what I was working on could be used for Alliance programs. I said I wasn't interested." Nicole's heart went from beating like a hummingbird's wing to nearly a full stop. "I told him no amount of funding was going to make me work for the military, but he dogged me all the way through my dissertation. When I published I even had to include a forward—because I knew that he was going to try and convince some Alliance board to use my research, no matter how many times I said 'no.' He was involved in Black Ops, I think, and he was getting seriously pushy. So I dropped it all. I studied medicine, and we moved to Mars.
"And then, mom was pregnant again. Her and dad were kind of falling apart, but I think they saw you as, I don't know—a chance to start over. To try at being parents again. I think they—mom in particular—they never could understand why I gave up one career and started down another which would require nearly a decade of study." Ryan's grin started sad, and then faded away altogether. "For me, I was just excited. I was going to have a little sister. I'd spent most of my life just working on science, or medicine—not much time to form relationships. The idea of being given one out of nowhere was enticing. I had no idea how much you'd mean to me. How much I'd come to love you.
"But there was a problem." Ryan's breath hitched, and he closed his eyes before continuing. When he opened them again, he looked almost in pain. And his holographic eyes shimmered what had to be wetness, recorded decades ago and rendered now. "We had some early scans done, and … while you were a perfectly healthy baby in all other respects, you showed a marker for a congenital heart defect. There was a ninety percent chance you wouldn't live more than a year."
Nicole was too stunned to process any of what he said. She just listened. Ryan seemed to be forcing himself to go on, despite the discomfort obvious on his face.
"I still had my research, and, not to brag—Jesus, that's the opposite of what I want to—anyway. Point is, I'm a doctor of genetics and a doctor of medicine. I know my way around a test tube. And a needle." Ryan permitted himself one mirthless smile. "Maybe … maybe I took the coward's way out. Maybe I should have had faith that you'd pull through. But I knew too much goddamn science. I knew too much about how—about how the only people who'd survived with that defect, they all had complications. Most of them didn't live much beyond twenty. And the ones who lived longer, they were basically miracles. I was too cynical to hold out hope for a miracle."
Ryan took a breath, and looked directly at her. He must have been looking exactly into the camera of whatever recording device he'd used.
"So I used my research. And at that stage—it wasn't like I'd figured everything out. I'd just come up with a model genome that had all the 'perfect' markers … physically, mentally, you name it. And I applied it to you, in the womb. Mom agreed, when I told her. She said—she said she already loved you. That she'd do anything to keep you alive."
Nicole was shaking, and for the first time in years she'd started to cry without noticing. Her scar was heating up, and she was powerless to stop it. The only thing she managed to consciously do was remember not to crush Liara's hand.
"I want you to know that the procedure, it didn't completely replace your DNA—obviously. There's still quite a family resemblance between us. And I like to think you share my sense of humour." Ryan smiled weakly. "I understand if you hate me. I hate myself sometimes, for what I did. But I want you to know you're still you. Just—a you that's good at everything you would have been bad at. Sometimes I can't forgive myself for denying you the chance to fail at things. But watching you grow up, I realized how little DNA really accounts for. I've seen you fail, from time to time. You bear it with more humility than I ever did."
And for the first time, Ryan's smile spread over his entire face.
"You're amazing, Nicole. What I did—that has nothing to do with the person you are. You deserve to know the truth, but I want—I need—you to understand the whole truth. Your physical skill, your sheer intelligence, your—all of that. That's not what's special about you. What's special about you is your personality. Your empathy, your kindness. Your gentleness. You're going to do such amazing things, Nicole, I have absolute faith in that. And—if you hate me, then you hate me. You deserve to. But I guess this is the advantage of being dead." There was that sardonic smile again, crinkled at the corners of his mouth. He stepped forward, and reached out for the camera, so that it seemed like he was reaching to her. "I'll always love you. You'll always be my little sister. You'll always be the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. I'm not going to make this about how fucked up our family is—though if you ever hear that message I have for mom, you'll probably get an idea—but I just want you to know, Nicole, that you saved my life. You made it all worth something, in the end."
Her brother blinked out of existence, and just as quickly blinked back in. The second file had automatically played.
"Oh, and one last thing. What with the 'littany of my sins' thing I forgot to talk about the part where I'm dead." Ryan grinned. "There's a very eloquent asari Matriarch who's said something about the dead. 'The wicked do not have the power to wipe out the deeds of the good.' She's referring to the permanence of good acts. I hope … I hope I've done some good in your life. I hope you can remember me well. And if you can't, I understand."
"No!" Nicole said, absurdly, reaching out for him. Her scar had stopped burning, but the tears were flowing like they never had before. Her lip was trembling.
"Don't doubt who you are. Don't ever doubt that all the most amazing parts of you—me and my stupid sequence had nothing to do with them. My only regret is that I won't get to see who you become." Her brother smiled one last time. "But I already know that person is amazing. And if you're watching this, and you've lost your way, or you're confused, or worried, or you don't think you can live up to how I feel about you, I want you to know that you already do. You always have. And you always will."
Just as abruptly as he'd returned to her life, her brother disappeared. The emptiness he left in space seemed improbable in her mind, after the enormity of his presence. She felt the overwhelming need to reach out, to talk to him, to try and say something—but she couldn't. He was even less than a ghost. Just the echo of something he'd said once so long ago, before the nightmare of her life. Before Mindoir. Before Akuze. Reaching out through time and all the things that she had thought nothing could reach through.
"Nicole?" Liara's voice made Nicole realize it had been several minutes since her brother's hologram had vanished. Out of the corner of her eye Nicole saw that Liara was looking directly at her, worry pinching her face. As she saw Liara, her other senses returned to her, and she realized she could hear rain. Nicole looked at the far side of the room, to the windows—turned opaque—and she could hear the relentless trickling pattern of rain slapping against the glass, growing stronger, then weaker, then stronger again with the turning of the minutes, like a symphony made only of gentle percussion. Nicole got to her feet and went to the window, and whispered,
"Transparent."
The misty grey colour of the window sucked away to reveal the black glow of Illium at night. The multi-coloured lights of a thousand different buildings and the sweeping glowing strips of asari architecture neon blinked out resolutely against the sea of blackness in the night. The image was obscured by the rain, and the lights seemed to blur against the hard edge of blackness. When Nicole focused she could see that the blackness was one building, or a skyscraper—or a landing strip. But when she didn't focus the buildings faded and the city was a smear of black illuminated by strips and points of neon light, drowning in the rain. Liara walked up behind her.
"He loved me," Nicole said. It came out so easily it surprised her, and she had to swallow and force herself to continue speaking. "He didn't—he wasn't a part of what Gabreau wanted. None of it."
"He loved you more than anything," Liara said. There was some strange note in her voice—something akin to sadness and regret, but not quite either. "He could never forgive himself for what he thought might be a violation of your rights. Even if he had all the right reasons. Even if he only ever acted out of love. He could never forgive himself, because what he did had the potential to hurt you. To break your trust."
"But that's ridiculous," Nicole said, and without thinking she'd placed a hand over her chest, where her heart was. "I would have died. To think, all along I was supposed to have a weak heart." A smile found its way onto her lips. "Kinda figures."
"It didn't matter to him, the reasons why," Liara said. "He loved you. That was something pure and true and incorruptible. And the thought, however slight, however well-intentioned, that he might have violated that somehow … he would never be able to free himself from it."
"Liara, how do you—" Nicole turned and saw that tears were welling at the corners of Liara's eyes, despite her attempts to keep them back. Liara abruptly turned away and brushed at her eyes.
"No, Nicole, I'm sorry, this isn't the time. Don't think about my feelings right now."
"You're thinking about when you gave my body to Cerberus." LIara winced, and Nicole had to stop herself from wincing too. She reached out and took Liara by the shoulders. "I never had the chance to tell him I forgive him. That there's nothing to forgive." The rain had softened to a delicate chant of tapping against the glass. "So I'm telling you. I don't want you to live thinking that you—violated my sense of autonomy, or tainted anything, or whatever. You saved me. Just like he did."
Liara didn't look convinced, but she pulled into Nicole's embrace, tucking her head beneath her chin. It wasn't so hard not to flinch this time. She felt the warmth of Liara's body, the reality of her. The gentle, shuddering breaths that came from trying too hard not to weep. Nicole was pretty sure she had a few of those of her own.
"Wounds are bloody. Healing them, fixing them—that can be ugly, too. Messy. There can be blood, infection … debris."
"That's cheerful," Liara said, almost laughing.
"Shh, I'm not finished." To her surprise, Nicole was smiling. "My point is, if you want to clean a wound, you don't call the doctor guilty for getting a little blood on their clothes. And you were cleaning a pretty big wound," Nicole said dryly. She gave Liara a very gentle squeeze, and as she thought of what next to say, her voice caught. After a moment, she tried again. "You've helped me heal a lot of wounds. And start healing others."
"I couldn't help but hear … certain parallels with myself, when your brother was speaking. I always tried so damn hard to figure out to do and I wound up—"
"You wound up saving my life. Just like he did. If there are any parallels, it's that. I might not be—comfortable in my skin. Or with what I can do, for that matter," Nicole murmured, wincing as the thought passed through her brain, against her will, that she could snap Liara's neck quite easily while they were standing like this. She hated those thoughts. She wasn't sure they would ever go away. But she used to same training to keep speaking. To go on. "But you didn't make that wound. You've been helping me close it. Truth be told, I'm lucky."
And she thought of him. And against her will, her eyes burned, not with cybernetic rejection, but with simple human tears. And her jaw shook and she held Liara closer, holding on as tight as she dared.
"I'm lucky, because I had one person who loved me. Who looked out for me when no one else would. And I lost him. And I'll never stop missing him. I'll never stop missing the life I had. But I'm lucky because I found you." Through the tears in her eyes the city in the windowpane was a blur of colour and blackness. "I can't have him back. But that doesn't change who he was. Or the—or the things he did for me." Nicole's voice shook in a way it never did. Grief, not terror. Sadness, not fear. "But I'm not alone. If you'll—if you'll have me."
Liara muffled a sob and pounded a fist gently against Nicole's shoulder.
"If you'll have me," was her only reply.
And so it was all worth something, in the end.
