A/N: keep those reviews coming peeps!
After stepping off of the quinjet, the soldier ambled to his and Kennedy's room, ignoring the worried and startled looks from the Avengers. He was covered in blood after all; it made no sense keeping it a secret anymore. Kennedy had to know. He felt numb, thinking about how she will react. She hated killing and now that he had done so much of it, he was preparing himself for the disgust she would soon come to portray toward him, walking out the door to never see him again. His chest constricted painfully at the thought of losing her to his monstrosity. Why did he have to ruin everything he touched? Why was he cursed? It wasn't fair; if there was a God, why did he do this to him? Why was his shot at redemption so cruelly taken away? He braced himself as he opened the door, finding her sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for him. She stood up abruptly as she took in the gory sight of him, a shell of a man. He refused to look at her, focusing on his boots. He knew that heartbreak was all over her face, yet none of them spoke. The satellite phone slipped from his hand and landed on the carpeted floor with a soft thud. She padded over to him slowly until he could see her face, looking up at him with concern. She stayed still for a few moments and then steadily brought her hands up to his chest. How could she touch him right now? After all that he had done? She undid the straps of the front of his uniform, one by one. The leather vest came off with his help and they threw the blood stained contraption to the floor. Next was the heavy black long sleeved shirt and he stood before her in just his cargo pants, most of the red memories of the night abandoned in a heap beside them. She sat on the bed again and gently patted the spot next to her. He did as he was told, his heart pounding. He heard her deep, calm breaths and listened attentively as she broke the silence.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she questioned. He closed his eyes, unable to answer.
"You killed them. On this mission and the last. Not just soldiers but doctors," she stated factually. He couldn't pinpoint any emotion in her words. He nodded shamefully; Tesla beat him to it and the suspense of her final response was going to end him.
"You should have told me. We're supposed to be partners. That's what couples do, Grumpy. They tell each other things." She held her head in her hands but remained calm.
"When I saw what they had in store for you, I-" he paused,"...had to." But her reply was nothing short of unexpected and startling.
"Good," she replied bluntly, with a hint of bitterness. His gaze was trained on her as she stared hollowly at the floor.
"What?" he managed to ask.
"They took everything from us. I'm led to believe that they took me from my family. They tortured you and were about to end the world. Those bastards got what they deserved," she said, her eyes shimmering as she locked gazes with him. The past few days obviously changed how she saw HYDRA. Finding the truth about herself gave her new insight.
"I didn't mean to-"
"You think that I care about those evil pieces of garbage?! I care about you!" she stood up from her spot and stood in front of him with her hands on her hips.
"For fuck's sake, I should be boiling right now, but I can't," she said mostly to herself, rubbing her face. But she kneeled in front of him, giving him a stern look.
"Listen to me, Grumpy. They may have gotten what they deserved...but it's not worth losing your soul over. Do you understand me? You lost it once and I'm not going to let them take you away from me. I'm pissed that you didn't tell me. I thought we were past that." His expression was less than ideal since she had to get through to him by being in his face.
"The way I am now...I could hurt you. You shouldn't be with me. I'll just destroy us. I'll undo us," his guttural voice tried to reason with her. Didn't she understand that she was holding a murder machine, a manufacturer of death? Why did she still care for him?
"If you think you're going to leave me for a reason as stupid as that, think again. Where you go, I go." Deciding to not be mad, she brushed some hair out of his face, and he couldn't help but lean into her touch.
"But, I've killed-"
"I know, Babe. But, I need you to be honest with me. How long have you been experiencing these...episodes? Violent stuff?" He closed his eyes but saw that she was trying to understand.
"For a while," he answered, at which she nodded.
"You're not alone, Grumpy. I'll help you. Whenever you feel like that again, for God's sake, tell me! Okay? We will find another way to get back at them."
"Y-you're not angry? You're not going to leave me?" he asked like a pathetic child. She then straddled him, her legs on either side of him. He dared to put his hands on her waist so she wouldn't fall. She stroked his clenched jaw and considered his words.
"I admit, it...worried me, disturbed me in the beginning. But the more I thought about it, I realised what was happening to you." She paused and he waited impatiently for what was to be said. "You're having the trouble that every soldier has. You're having difficulty disconnecting yourself, HYDRA's version of you and you've had it worse than others. Everything's happened so quickly; us, the Avengers, HYDRA. You haven't had time to let yourself simply be...a man. To fully be free." He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Just because there's a couple of issues, doesn't mean that I'm leaving you. I know that with everything that I am, you would never hurt me. I accept you; both of you. Let me help you?" she kissed him lightly on the lips. His eyes fluttered closed as her lips trailed upward over his eyelids.
"Forgive yourself, please? Just promise me, no more lying, no more hiding. Let me help. Please." He nodded fervently and wrapped his arms around her tightly, a groaning sob escaping his lips. He shook with regret and relief. He never cried this way before; he felt degraded feeling so weak, but that feeling simply vanished at the thought of her acceptance. She accepted him for the damaged man that he was. How did she exist? Someone so pure had to be part of his imagination. He buried his face in her neck, his tears drenching her shoulder but she didn't care. He shivered and held on tighter, but not so much as to hurt her.
"Why are you so good to me?" he whispered shakingly. He just didn't understand it.
"I don't know. It's a gift," she answered and he huffed, a poor attempt at a laugh. They pulled away and she wiped both of their tears.
"We'll get through this. We always do. Partners remember?" She held out her pinky, a gesture they didn't use in a long time. He wrapped his own around hers and nodded sincerely. Another nervous thought occurred to him.
"There's something else," he started but stopped when she waved her hand dismissively.
"If you're talking about the file, I know already. Tesla updated me on everything. He was quick to rat you out, that little suck up. It's all new age, superstitious shit to me. Like I said before, no more lies. Clear? We need to trust each other," she left it at that and pulled him up to stand.
"You need a shower. Hop in there, I'll get you some clothes." He didn't let go of her hand for a time, and she looked at him expectantly. He looked at her as if she were God's gift to him alone and brushed his lips over her knuckles. Thank you for not giving up on me. Her eyes said it all; 'I will always be to there to save you, Grumpy.'
…...
"Maybe you should take a break from all the recon. We can find something else to do," Kennedy suggested, picking apart an annoying loose thread in the duvet. She was lounging on her stomach while he lay on his back, listening to the soothing sound of her voice. The shower did wonders for the tension he felt all over his body. Just lying here with Kennedy made it better. The thought of time away from it didn't sound like a bad idea, but he didn't want to let Steve down.
"What about Steve?" he asked.
"You and I can help him from here. It's not like we're entirely useless. I haven't been entirely bored, with Strange and all," she replied. He turned his head to look at her.
"How was training?" A subtle smile, like an inside joke, played on her lips.
"Getting there soon. Maybe with enough practice I can go out in the field with the team." His forehead immediately crinkled with adamancy and she rolled her eyes.
"That will be debated later," she mumbled and changed the topic. Something was plaguing her mind the past few days anyway.
"Grumpy, do you think we get along well with everyone?" she asked curiously. The soldier thought about it. He disliked mostly everyone, with the exception of his girl and Steve; her brother and sister were tolerable for the time being. But relations were civil, he supposed.
"Why?" he asked, brushing his finger along her cheek. She bit her lip and continued.
"Tony and Banner asked me to work here. Like to stay here for a while, even after Strange is done training me." He didn't know what to think of that. That meant they would have a home, a stable and permanent home. The thought of building a future with her was monumental and he wanted nothing more than to be happy with her, to be at peace. But something was holding him back; what? Was he scared of screwing up again? Yes. Was he ready to get back out into society and build relationships with others like Steve? No. He was still getting used to letting other people be around them at all. But if he still thought like this, they would never be happy. Kennedy taught him many things and one was that it was okay to let people help.
"Is that what you want?" he asked, turning on his side so their faces were so close. A small smile formed.
"Where you go, I go," she declared softly. That was the answer he needed.
"Where you go, I go," he repeated.
…...
She encouraged him to have a chat with Steve; no doubt he was worried out of his mind. So while Kennedy gave him a 'thumbs up' to approach Steve who was sitting on their living room couch, hunched over, she exited to give them a moment. The soldier sat across from him, cautiously observing his movements. Was he going to snap for all the murder the soldier committed? Was he going to take him out? While he could easily beat him and Kennedy definitely wouldn't let it happen, he wouldn't do it; not like last time. He was his friend, his only link to the man he was before, despite the chances of him returning being at absolute zero. Steve opened his mouth but closed it to rethink.
"I'm sorry, Buck," he whispered. The soldier got a lot of surprises today. People weren't reacting the way they should have been. Why would he be sorry? He didn't do anything; he didn't kill people in cold blood.
"Why?" the soldier spoke slowly. Steve looked up and his broken expression was one the soldier recognised instantly: failure. The soldier found himself very moved that his comrade chose to take the blame for his violent malfunction, but it wasn't uncalled for.
"Don't give me that look. It is my fault. I took you out in the field too fast. It was stupid of me to think-" he trailed off, looking away.
"To think what?" Steve looked up.
"That the Bucky I fought with 70 years ago would come out. I was an idiot. I didn't see the repercussions of HYDRA's torture...until it was too late. I was just so wrapped up in the fact that you were back and the thought of things getting better..." The soldier's guilt only increased. This man never failed to stun him speechless. How could he blame himself for wanting his friend back? It was only natural after all that they went through. The soldier might not have remembered him all that well, but he knew well enough to know that Steve Rogers was a decent and genuine man; a trustworthy man. To have so much faith in someone who barely remembers you is worthy of praise and...a change in attitude. The soldier hesitantly stuck out his hand for him. Steve looked surprised but a small smile crept up on his face; he took his friend's outstretched hand and shook it.
"Thank you for not giving up on me. You have nothing to apologise for," was all the soldier could muster up. Steve smiled and nodded, relieved that they were getting somewhere. They let go but the soldier had something else to say, needed to say.
"Kennedy is teaching me. How to forgive myself, to be...a man again. With what I've done, it's far from perfect, but I'm trying." The soldier realised that this is the most he'd ever said to anyone, apart from Kennedy. Having another friend wasn't so bad; not as daunting and distrustful as before. It felt good. Steve's smile grew at his sincerity and effort.
"She's good. For you. At first I thought she was kinda young, but you need each other. You two are happy. I'd never thought I'd see the day when you'd settle down," he laughed. The soldier became confused.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, back in the day, you were a hell of a lady's man. Date each week, couldn't remember their names the next day, that sort of thing." That thought disturbed him. He was now accustomed to Kennedy's displays of affection but for him to initiate it on that scale was out of the question. To meet different women on a frequent basis was a tad insulting. Why would he play with their feelings like that? That wasn't a real man. And Kennedy was the only woman that made sense in his world.
"I sounded like an ass," he blurted. Steve burst out in laughter and the soldier couldn't help but smile in return, his eyes lighting up slightly.
"Yeah, you were. But you were a good friend." Something else crept into his mind that he needed to address.
"Kennedy and I decided to spend some time here...if that's okay with you and your team. I know Stark and Banner are on board," he told Steve who looked shocked nonetheless.
"Seriously?" he asked in subtle disbelief. The soldier nodded confidently.
"I want a stable home for her, for us. A future sounds like the way to go."
"Kennedy's rubbing off on you." Yes, she was, in so many ways.
"I'm behind you 100%, Buck." Steve leaned over and clapped him on the side of his arm. If it were anyone, he would have broken their arm. But then again, Steve Rogers wasn't just anyone.
Peaking from behind the wall, Kennedy held back a knowing smile. The bromance was so real right now.
A/N: In case you guys didn't see in the last author's note, don't be afraid to send some awesome fan art or any other creations :) Thanks again!
