29. Puppy Tears
The three people sitting around Erik had listened to the story quietly, their eyes had glassed over and it looked as if they were in a trance, even the barber himself, who already knew the story much too well. But when Erik had stopped speaking the all looked up, blinking, and Sweeney Todd said "No, uh, no, you didn't miss anything. That was spot on."
Nadir's jaw had dropped open and he stared from barber to phantom and back again, amazed. It didn't take much to stun Nadir into speechlessness. "Wow" he finally said, "That's amazing, and slightly scary. How do you know all this, Erik?"
"Sweeney Todd told me all of it earlier today."
"You just met him today? Who would tell their entire life story to someone they just met?"
Erik glanced at Sweeney for a brief moment before saying, "We're best friends. Best friends tell each other everything!"
Christine looked at them curiously, but Nadir seemed hurt. "Best friend? But Erik, we're best friends!" His bottom lip quivered ever so slightly.
"Not anymore. I have other friends now. 4 of them, actually. Sweeney Todd is top on the list, then my new cat, Err…Mr. Snuffaluffagus, and then Christine. Well, at least I think we're friends, I'm not so sure." He chanced a look at Christine, who raised her eyebrows but said nothing.
Nadir just shrugged, "Fine then. Be that way. See if I care." He crossed his arms across his chest disdainfully and looked pointedly the other way. Erik let him take a few deep breaths, and soon enough Nadir turned back and muttered, "Can we still…you know…hang out sometimes?"
The Phantom nodded his head respectfully, "Of course" he said.
All four were silent for a bit, still sitting on their own step. Finally Nadir spoke to Erik again, "I watched rehearsals for the opera today. They're going well."
"Call it by its name, Nadir" said Erik, frowning.
The Daroga scoffed, "Oh, of course. You named it Don Juan Triumphant. I can't help but wonder why, though, surely you yourself would be Don Juan Not-So-Triumphant." Nadir laughed at his own joke, but Erik growled and flipped the Persian off when Christine had her head turned. Nadir pouted, "You know, Erik, every moment we refuse to love each other another puppy cries another tear" he whimpered.
Erik just scoffed, but Sweeney Todd finally spoke up and sarcastically said, "Puppies? I eat puppies for breakfast!"
"Eww! That's not nice! Erik, this barber is creepy." The Persian moaned, still sounding pathetic.
Erik said, "Get over it Nadir, he is not"
But Christine's eyes looked worried and she quietly said, "He is kind of scary, Erik."
This time Erik turned to Sweeney and seriously said, "Hear that? You're scaring people, Todd. Maybe you should change your hair." Looking both disbelieving and angry, the barber said nothing, but he did kick Erik hard in the shin. "Ouch! Okay, okay, I didn't mean it. Keep your freaky hair the way it is."
Nadir pulled another pastrami sandwich out of a pocket in his coat and began to much on it, Sweeney Todd took one of his silver razors out of his pocket and begun to polish it with a small cloth, and Erik dug around in one of his pockets before pulling out his iPhone. Christine sat in silence and watched Erik, seeing as she had no pockets. Erik hit a few buttons and found the number he was looking for on speed dial, then put the phone to his ear. It rang twice before someone picked up and Erik said, "Hello? Ray's pizza? Yes, I'd like to order some pizzas for delivery. Yeah, I want 6 extra large pizzas with anchovies and lots of green peppers. 120 francs? No problem, yes, bring them to the Opera Populaire and ask for Monsieur Firmin and Monsieur Andre. Thanks." He touched another button and took the phone away from his face, looking smug. Both Sweeney and Christine grinned and laughed, but Nadir stopped in mid-chew and frowned at Erik.
"I thought you were ordering us a pizza!" said the Daroga.
Erik sighed, "You don't need any pizza, Nadir, you're already stuffing your face with pastrami. What's on that thing, anyways?"
Nadir peeked under his top piece of bread before answering, "Uh…Pastrami, mustard, lettuce, and peaches."
"Ick! Peaches?" exclaimed Christine.
Nadir shrugged, "It's not bad, but I'd much rather have a deep dish meat lovers pizza." He said.
The barber made a face, "After all the experiences I've had with meat… I'm wondering whether I should become a vegetarian…"
Erik looked sympathetic, "You have a point, but as long as the meat was no where near Mrs. Lovett I would say you're okay."
Todd shook his head sadly, "No, it's too late for that; I've been scarred for life."
"So no bacon?" Wondered Nadir, his eyes growing wide at the words, 'Become a vegetarian'.
The barber looked surprised, "Give up bacon? No way, that's one meat man must never live with out."
Erik nodded, "Hear hear!" and the two high-fived.
Christine looked at the three men oddly, "It's just bacon, what's so wonderful about it?"
At this comment Nadir squeaked like a girl, Sweeney Todd dropped his razor and clapped both hands over his mouth, and Erik angrily exclaimed, "JUST BACON?! How dare you?!"
Christine looked scared, "Well…" but Erik continued ranting,
"Bacon is the very sustenance of life! Men cannot function without what joy bacon brings to our life!"
Todd lowered his hands and added, "Bacon and pretty women, you mean."
Erik acknowledged him with a nod of his head, "Ah, of course, we need women too, but of all foods in a man's life bacon is definitely the most important. Why, Christine, if you don't appreciate bacon then I might just have to give you up and find someone else to stalk."
She sighed, knowing that this was an empty threat, and said "Well… I guess I can see where you're coming from… fine. I take back what I said about bacon not being wonderful." Erik smiled, looking relieved, and Nadir, who had been clutching his heart in suspense, slouched back against the stair railing again, sighing happily. The touchy subject of bacon did not come up again.
About 25 minutes later some one came through the door. It was a pizza delivery guy, holding 6 huge pizza boxes and looking annoyed. "This place is so far away from the pizza shop, I don't know how they expect us to get here in 30 minutes or less…"
He continued walking, his eyes on the pizza boxes and not on the stairs, so when Erik said in a deep commanding voice, "Halt! Who goes there?" the pizza guy jumped about 2 feet in the air and dropped 3 of the 6 pizza boxes. He looked up and jumped another 2 feet when he saw the odd array of people sitting on the stairs. The phantom and the demon barber were glaring at him, Christine was just staring curiously, and Nadir was busy chewing on his pastrami and peach sandwich.
In a shaky voice the delivery boy said, "Uh… uh… uh… I'm Benjamin… I have to deliver these pizzas, if that's okay with you…"
Christine gave him a nod and Erik was about to wave him up the stairs when Sweeney Todd sharply said, "Wait, Benjamin who?"
The barber narrowed his eyes as the boy said, "Oh, err… Benjamin Barker. Uh, why?"
Sweeney Todd jumped angrily to his feet, whipping out his razor and pointing it at the delivery guy's throat, "I AM NOT A PIZZA DELIVERY GUY!"
Benjamin backed away from the barber, terrified, and another pizza box slid out of his arms. "Whoa, h-hey, take it easy man, th-there's gotta be more then one Benjamin Barker out there, I don't know why you're freaking out on me!" he said.
Todd slowly lowered his arm, his chest heaving as he folded his razor shut. He wasn't finished, though; he walked over to the delivery boy and began to ask a series of uncomfortable interrogative questions, which the boy stumbled through nervously. The three people on the stairs sighed, waiting impatiently for the barber to be satisfied. Erik put his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands as he watched Christine play Tetras on his iPhone. Nadir busied himself with yet another pastrami sandwich he had pulled out of his pocket. Erik had actually taken a Sharpie marker and made a tally mark on the railing next to him for every sandwich Nadir ate. He wasn't sure if there should be four or five marks, he hadn't been paying close enough attention, but one thing he was sure of was that Nadir's pocket must be a lot deeper then it appeared.
Finally the barber walked back over to the stairs, looking morally fulfilled. He sat down on the step next to Erik. "I guess it was just a coincidence…" He said, noticing the Phantom glaring at him.
Benjamin gathered up the pizza boxes he had dropped, checking to make sure they had not sustained any serious damage before he went up to the first marble step. "Okay, I gotta deliver these pizzas now, I really do. Uh, do you know where Monsieur Firmin and Monsieur Andre's office is?"
"Yeah, it's just up these stairs, down that hallway, and you'll take the second left through a big mahogany door. There'll be a little gold sign that says 'manager'." Erik directed him, grinning.
The delivery boy nodded, "Thank you, sir" and hurried out of the entry hall.
"Suckers" Erik exclaimed as soon as Benjamin was out of earshot.
"Who's a sucker?" Asked Nadir.
Erik chortled as he replied, "All three of them, both of the managers and that pansy delivery boy. You know, I wonder if Andre is over that concussion I gave him…?"
Christine shook her head, "No, I talked to the managers just a few days ago and Andre was screaming something to the extent of, 'You gandered, yes, sir, you gandered! You GANDERED, GANDERED, GANDERED, GANDERED! …SKWAK!' It was incredibly weird." She said, and cleared her throat in embarrassment.
Sweeney Todd made a face and muttered, "Creepy."
Nadir hadn't been paying attention; he was chewing what must have been his sixth pastrami sandwich. Erik uncapped his Sharpie and made another tally mark, then took out his iPhone and checked the time. "That Benjamin should be back in around now, it would think."
In 5 minutes or so they did indeed hear a door open down one of the hallways, and they all automatically got up and stood, each one step below the other, against the marble railing. Erik was closest to the top, next to him was Sweeney, then Nadir, then Christine. They looked up as the pizza delivery boy appeared. They all attempted to look innocent, something which came very naturally to Christine, and which Nadir had mastered over the years. Erik and Sweeney Todd, however, had extreme difficulty conveying an expression of innocence. It probably didn't matter, though, Benjamin appeared looking harried and distracted and would have trotted right past the four-some if Erik had not asked, "Something wrong?"
Benjamin stopped and stood in front of the Phantom. "Well, The managers (actually, it was only Firmin, Andre was playing checkers with himself- and losing, mind you) told me that they never ordered any pizzas. I said 'no, we got a call from here around 45 minutes ago, someone ordered 6 extra large pizzas with anchovies and green peppers.' Firmin said that they never did any such thing and that it must have been that goddamn Phantom of the Opera. I got them to pay me the 120 francs eventually, though. I hate when deliveries go like that, I almost never get a tip. Say, you don't happen to know this Phantom of the Opera guy, do you?"
Erik thought for a moment before answering, "You know, I've heard the guy's name a lot around here, but I've never actually met him. I hear that he's causing some big problems around here, the managers called in these 3 idiot exterminators called the Ghost Busters to try and get rid of him" he told the pizza guy with conviction.
Benjamin shrugged, and walked out the door saying "I gotta go, I've been gone way to long. My boss is gonna have a fit…"
Still standing against the rail, the four-some glanced at each other, waiting for one of them to say something. Nadir began to rummage in his pocket, franticly digging with his hand to no avail. He had eaten all of his sandwiches, so he turned to Erik, who had started to speak.
"That didn't go exactly the way I was expecting it to… thanks to Sweeney going all mental on us."
The barber crossed his arms against his chest, glowering. "Hey, you heard him! I'm not a pizza delivery boy" he said defensively. The other three rolled their eyes.
After a bit more petty conversation the Persian checked his watch and said, "Wow, look at the time. I should get out of here, I don't want to be late for…err…this thing I've got…"
Erik smirked, "Dinner with your mother?"
"No!"
"Grandmother?"
"No."
"Auntie Marge?"
"God, dammit Erik, you know me two well" said the Persian sarcastically.
"You may say that with laughter in your voice, Daroga, but we all know it's true."
"I'm not going to attempt to change your mind, Erik. It was nice seeing you again. Christine, it was a pleasure talking to you as well. Good luck with the Ghost Busters, and with Don Juan."
She smiled, "You'll come?"
"I will. And you, Mr. Todd, it was quite an experience meeting you."
"The same to you, Nadir. How about you come in for a shave, when you've got the chance?"
"Uh…"
"Please, I assure that you will leave with your life. And the closest shave you shall ever know, of course!" The barber said, acting quite charming. Nadir nodded, giving Sweeney a small smile, and walked down the stairs and out the door, waving over his shoulder.
When the Persian was gone Erik turned to Sweeney Todd and said, "Well, Mr. Todd, since it's sort of late, why don't you come to my house/cave tonight and then go back to Mrs. Lovett's in the morning?"
"That sounds pretty good, actually. I've wanted to see the lair down in the basement that you live in. Can I use your phone to call Mrs. Lovett, though? I don't want her to start to worry and then send out search parties like the one time when I got locked in the skunk cage at the zoo and she freaked out when I wasn't home in the morning. God that was awful… You know how women are, though."
"Yeah. Here you go" said Erik, handing the barber his iPhone.
Todd dialed the number and walked a few feet away from the other two. She picked up after a few rings, "Hello?"
"Mrs. Lovett?"
"Oh my gosh! Mr. Todd! Where on earth have you been?"
Sweeney winced heavily and replied, "At the Opera Populaire, Mrs. Lovett, like I said I would be."
"Why on earth didn't you come home this afternoon? I needed you! I had to shoot a cross dresser and an alligator just to feed the dinner rush, and you know how I hate having to use that gun!"
"An Alligator? You know what, never mind. Look, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you."
"Really? Like how? A romantic date? Another picnic? Or tonight we coul-"
He hastily cut her off, "Uh, no, I'm gonna have to talk to you another time about that… I'm going to stay at the opera house tonight, and I'll be back early in the morning."
"Aww. You're sure?"
"Yes, Mrs. Lovett, I'm sure."
"Fine. But come back early!"
"Okay. Good bye."
"Good bye, Mr. T."
The barber hung up the phone, tilting his head back to the high ceiling and letting out a deep sigh. Erik stepped forward and took his iPhone from Sweeney. Christine gave Todd a weird look and said, "You two certainly have an odd relationship…"
Sweeney turned around and nodded, "Yeah…" Erik began to walk down the stairs, gesturing for Sweeney Todd to follow him.
The pair walked off through a hallway with the Phantom asking Sweeney, "So do you play chess?"
"I enjoy it, and I'm not too bad if I do say so myself" replied the barber.
Christine watched them as they walked off, noticing that she was alone. A worried crease formed on her pale forehead as she glanced around the entry hall, staring out the windows at the pitch black outside, pondering what she should do. Finally she broke down and sprinted after Erik and Sweeney Todd, calling, "Erik! Erik! Let me come too!"
