Everyone on board the Dauntless covered their ears at the screeching sound of Governor Swann's rape whistle. At last, Gillette Razor smacked it out of his hands and whispered in his ear that even if, Heaven forbid, the worst had happened to Miss Swann, it was too late to use the whistle, thus inappropriate to use it in such a way now.

"I'm sorry," Governor Swann apologized. "I was so used to pepper spray."

"So are we going after Will or not?" Elizabeth asked, noticing her hair was starting to curl in a very desirable, attractive way for not having combed it for a few days and the ravages…that word again…of the sun, sand, wind, and salt water still in it.

"No, you're safe now. We must return to Port Royal and forget about all this pirate business. Well, we'll be hanging Captain Sparrow there, but that's an entirely different sort of pirate business."

"He'll have his palm cut open in a gruesome way if we don't go after him!" Elizabeth whined. "If Barbossa does it with a dirty knife there's the possibility of tetanus!"

"That is a regrettable fate," Governor Swann humored her. "But, dear, he is a eunuch and with him out of the picture, you can marry the Commodore and not be tempted by any other character in this series."

"If I may be so bold," Jack said, "The Pearl was random nautical terms after the battle. It's very unlikely she'll be able to make good time. Think about it, the Black Pearl, the last real threat in the Caribbean, excluding excessive sunburns. How can you pass that up, mate?" He tapped Norrington's back, wondering if the brocade would smear off like pixie dust.

"Don't touch the brocade, pirate," Norrington snapped. "It's all I have over you right now. That and this impressive sword the condemned blacksmith boy made for me."

"Commodore, I beg you, please do this for me, as a wedding gift," Elizabeth pleaded. Everyone froze. Wedding gift? What had she been thinking? Some alarm must have been triggered on her biological clock. Married to the Commodore? Well, it is the 17th century, the 18th at the most, and she was twenty. At least the old maid jokes would cease.

"Elizabeth, are you accepting the Commodore's proposal?" Governor Swann asked. "The wig makes it hard to hear."

"I am," she breathed. Damn. Elizabeth Norrington didn't have much of a ring to it. Not a bit of him was a soaking wet pirate.

"Mr. Sparrow, you will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with the bearings to Isla de Muerta."

"That's what got me mutinied last time."

"Ironic that this time it's going to lead to a heroic epic battle between you and the chief mutineer. You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase, 'a penny saved is a penny earned.' Is that clear?"

"No, I can't really see what that has to do with…"

"How about 'life is like a bowl of cherries'?"

"Still not clear." Jack shrugged.

"How about…"

"Might I go shopping for something to wear, or will it be bare breasts and ankles all the way?" Elizabeth asked, ready to move on to the next scene.

"Ankles all the way!" everyone cheered but her father, who pulled out the directions that came with the rape whistle.


A/N: "Ankles all the way" is from the COTBP blooper reel, which I highly recommend. It is one of the funniest parts, thanks to Keira Knightley's deadpan delivery and Jack Davenport's WTF reaction. They should think about getting together for a screwball comedy...good timing and chemistry. I do not own POTC, but I appreciate all the reviews. Please keep them coming!