Battle of the Sexes

The group looked at each other for a moment, before Aoife, Jamie, Robyn, Tamsin and Sam walked off. Fletch was left staring in horror at the paperwork, before he realised what was going on.

"Hey! Why don't any of you lot have to do this stuff?!"

Sam turned round, "If you hadn't opened your great big gob, Tess wouldn't have given it to us!"

"She's right," Tess shouted over her shoulder as she walked away.

Fletch grumbled, staring down at the paperwork in anger. Sam reappeared behind him,

"Here," she murmurs, placing her old cup of coffee in front of him, "You can have this."

Then she ran away, before he could hit her with the heavy wad of paperwork. She wasn't fast enough, and he caught her elbow. With a growl, she whipped round and threw the pen out of her pocket at his eye.

"Argh!" he cried, "What is it with you lot and throwing pens? Savages."

"Savages don't have pens," she retorted, "They can't write. They're savages."

"Racist."

"Hardly…"

…..

As Sam walked away, she bumped into Tom. He grinned at her, cheekily, and she grinned back.

"Sam, I was thinking… instead of a three day trip, let's have a whole weekend. I have something special planned."

Sam smiled and kissed him on the lips, to hide the look of horror on her face. Zoe walked back past and pulled the two apart, dragging Tom by the ear and Sam by her ponytail.

"Ow!" Sam complained, smirking slightly.

Tom began to fake cry,

"Sam, the nasty lady hurt me…"

"The nasty lady will do a lot more if you don't bugger off…" Zoe glared, and Tom ran off quickly.

Sam went to do the same, but Zoe still had hold of her ponytail, and pulled her back.

"What's up?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" Sam frowned.

"Well, Tom just offered to take you on a week away, all expenses paid and you looked like you'd rather go on a date with the ferret!"

"No, it's not Tom," Sam shook her head, "It's the 'week away' I don't like the sound of."

"How come?!" Zoe explained, "All expenses paid, some fancy hotel, maybe a spa…"

"Ugh!" Sam exclaimed, "No, no, NO! I hate that. The whole 'pamper her and be her slave' thing is the most annoying thing I've ever seen. If a man and a woman want to start a life together, why would he give her false impressions?! For the entire marriage, they're going to be sat there doing absolutely sod all, beer in one hand, remote in the other while she chases two children into made beds in tidy bedrooms, having just broken up an argument and tidied up a million different things."

"Dr Nichols," Zoe snorted, "Ever thought about becoming a match-maker? He's an asshole, she's a pushover- voila, a normal marriage!"

"No, it's not that I think Tom would become like that, I mean, he's a paediatric nurse… and it's not that I don't want to marry him… but Zoe, I don't like spas. I don't like relaxing. I like doing stuff- climbing, walking, and running… drinking water, not champagne. Jeans and a t-shirt, not a fancy dress… oh, hell, I don't own anything to wear on a romantic holiday, except the dress I wore to Tamsin's party, and that's not right…"

"Calm down, calm down!" Zoe flung her hands up. "Look, shift's nearly over. I'll grab all the girls and we'll go to the pub. I'll tell Tom to keep himself out of there or I'll tear his other ear off."

"But…"

"And as for that ponytail of yours…"

"Fine… FINE."

Twenty minutes later and the girls had slipped away into the pub, the boys having been told to get lost and go to a pub down the road. Zoe had brought in the first round of drinks, and Sam was desperately hugging a pint of cider, as if she was hoping it would stop the fear she felt about the dreaded week away. Of course, word had got round to the others that Tom was planning to propose… they just didn't know how.

"Well, maybe you'll enjoy it! Y'know, some hotels have murder mystery dinners and swimming pools, they're exciting?"

"Ugh," Sam groaned, hitting her head on the table.

"Okay, but maybe you won't be in a hotel- if it's a whole week, maybe it's a cruise?!"

"A boat," Sam murmured, "A bloody boat. Going from jellyfish-and-shark-infested beach to jellyfish-and-shark-infested beach, full of snobs looking down their nose at you…"

"SAM!" Tamsin exclaimed, clobbering her about the head with the ferret, "Who the hell would look down their nose at you, for god's sake?!"

Sam looked up, "Who wouldn't?"

"No," Linda shook her head, "No way! Sam, are you saying you're not pretty?!"

Sam sat up and slumped back, taking a big drink of cider,

"I look okay with jeans and a t-shirt, but when I have to wear a dress… or… well, y'know…"

"Dr Nichols, do not try that one," Zoe shook her head, "We all know you and Tom have 'done it'… for Christ's sake, even this morning… so why…"

"But it's meant to be different on holiday! Y'know, every night, and… well… what am I meant to wear?"

"Nothing, that's the point…" Louise murmured, and the rest of the table giggled.

Sam shot her a glare, causing the others to giggle more.

Slamming her head back onto the table, she groaned, "You KNOW what I mean…"

"Oh," Aoife tried not to laugh, "We don't."

"Yeah," Robyn sniggered, "Why don't you enlighten us?"

Jamie (the only boy accepted in the girl's group) had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing, as Sam flung a drinks mat at their heads, simultaneously hitting them both.

"Underwear, you evil shits…"

The group burst out laughing again, until Sam wielded a stack of placemats menacingly.

"Look, Sam," Dixie sighed, breaking the silence, "If Tom really loves you, really wants you… then he'll really know you, too. And if he doesn't, and he does take you somewhere you hate, then he's clearly not the man he think he is, and he isn't worth marrying."

Meanwhile, in the boys little gathering, Tom was having a nervous breakdown.

"But what if she doesn't come?! What if she hates it?! What if she says no?!"

"Then she's stupid, mate." Jeff shook his head.

"Sam isn't stupid," Tom growled.

"Exactly."

Fletch stood up, "Right, I've had enough of this. Tom, are you working tomorrow?"

Tom shook his head.

"Right, are you seeing Sam?"

"No, she just text me, she and the girls are going shopping. God knows why."

"Right then. We are going to get you so drunk you forget your own name, let alone whether or not Sam likes you. So, third round is on me and you, my friend, are having something strong. I'm staying sober so I won't let you do anything so dumb."

"Um, but… I think… what if Sam sees?"

Jeff clapped him on the back so hard her was flung forward.

"Our dear Dr Nichols…" he paused, "Will be too drunk to give a shit…"