"Hermione!" a female voice called. "Hermione, where are you?"

"Ginny?" Hermione replied. She snuck out of the library and was about to go and find her friend, when she gaged what she was wearing: not very much at all. Making her way back into the library, she picked up a pair of denim shorts from the floor, and began searching for her top.

A shirt, that'll do.

Mmmmm, it smells so good. Somewhere between musk and sweat, mmmm... It's so rich, like... raging sex. Yes, that's exactly what it smells like.

"Hermione!" a male voice called this time.

She jumped out of her daydreaming state, putting on the shirt and heading toward the sound of people calling her name.

"Is everything alright?" she asked.

" 'Mione, we've been looking for you," Harry said.

"Oh," she replied, pointing behind her. "I was just upstairs."

"And Sirius?" he asked.

"Also upstairs."

"We were kinda worried," he explained. "Molly's been absolutely freaking out. We wanted to check you were ok?"

"I'm fine. Really, Harry," she smiled. "It's nice to see you're the one checking up on me now."

"You sure? You look really tired?"

"Harry," Ginny nudged him, "bad idea."

"Is everything ok?" he asked, ignoring his fiancée.

Hermione grinned beyond belief, then attempted to hide it by pursing her lips together. "It's true, Harry. I am really tired. You wanna know why?" He nodded. "Ok," she said, walking past a silently giggling Ginny until she was close enough to Harry to whisper. "I've just had the most amazing sex with your godfather."

"Hermione!" he yelled. "Merlin! Why did you tell me that?!"

"You asked," she laughed, high-fiving Ginny.

"I wanna hear more," Ginny giggled. "Gory details and all."

"No," demanded Harry. "I don't want to know anything else. You, Hermione, are one evil witch. There's a scary image in my head right now. I can't unsee it. I can't unthink about you... you..."

"Me what?" Hermione teased. "Me shagging Sirius. You know, Gin, he has the most amazing-"

"Stop! That's my godfather. Don't finish that sentence. I swear to Merlin."

"Chess skills?" guessed Sirius. He was leaning on the door, grinning at Hermione.

"Not quite what I was going to say," she said, "but I suppose that's also true."

"And what exactly were you going to say?" he asked, biting his lip.

"Book collection."

"Ah, right, obviously," he laughed.

"Would you two cut it out?" said Harry.

"Sorry, Harry," Sirius apologised. "What is the time?" He checked the grandfather clock by poking his head around the door. "Oh, it's the afternoon."

"Yeah," Ginny muttered. "Someone spent all day in bed."

"Actually-" Hermione began.

"Don't. Even. Think. About. It," interrupted Harry.

"Actually," Hermione continued, ignoring him completely, "the sofa."

"Props to the sofa," said Sirius.

"I know, right," Hermione agreed. "Surprisingly comfortable."

"Was it really?" Sirius said. "Well next time you're on top."

"Guys, please," said Harry. "My eyes are already bleeding."

"Sorry, Harry," apologised Sirius for the second time. "Is that my shirt?"

"Yeah," said Hermione. "I couldn't find my top. You don't mind?"

" 'Course not, love. I, um, forgot to tell you something."

"Hm?" she said, her concerned face looking up at him.

"Checkmate."

"Fuck you, Sirius."

"That's the idea, love."

"For the love of Merlin."

"Sorry, Harry."


"So what are you going to do about the whole 'Molly' situation?" Ginny asked, trying to rush a piece of homework on random pieces of parchment.

"I don't really know," said Hermione, who was also trying to play catch-up with her work. "I probably won't see her much anyway, so I should be fine. How did everyone else react when I left?"

"Well you and Sirius have officially taken the lead as most mischievous pair to ever set foot in the Burrow," she laughed. "Apparently a secret marriage tops a secret sweet shop. Plus that whole Marauder's Map thing. The twins can't claim it anymore because technically Sirius made it. Also did I mention you got fucking married without telling me?!"

"I did do the right thing, didn't I?"

"Duh, 'course you did. Not only do you love each other, he's also abso-bloody-lutely gorgeous. I think I might actually be a little jealous, so, in no universe, am I going to let mum make you feel bad."

"Great reasoning, Gin," she snorted sarcastically.

Ginny folded one of the scrap pieces of parchment into an aeroplane and watched it fly out of the window. "Well tell me Sirius isn't having the exact same conversation with Remus right now."

"Fair enough," Hermione laughed.


"Tell me I'm doing the right thing, Moony," Sirius said, taking another swig from his fire whiskey. "I love Hermione more that anything, but I think I might actually be killed by Molly the next time she sees me, and I want to know that you'll at least look after my potted plants when I'm gone."

"I promise to water your plants, Sirius," he replied, downing his drink in one, then refilling both of their glasses.

"Thanks, man."

"And yeah, I didn't think I would ever say this, but she's pretty perfect for you. You really scored big with that one. She's smart, she's a powerful witch, she's gorgeous..."

"Oy, that's my wife, not yours," said Sirius, trying to stand before falling back into his chair. "Haha, keep your eyes to yourself."

"I'm not going to try to steal her, Sirius. I am married too," he justified, reaching out once again to refill his glass. "I'm just commenting on some of her... best features."

"Ok, continue," he said, crossing his arms and sitting in a way that couldn't be any more smug. "I could talk about her all night."

"But theoretically," he giggled, drunkenly raising a finger, "would you object to a little competition?"

"Remus, you've literally got no chance. You're really not the competition that I'm worried about."

"I'm going to take that as a no," he slurred.

"What are you planning, old friend?" Sirius asked, fumbling over to his equally intoxicated friend.

"You remember... no, you wouldn't," he giggled. "James never told anyone about that."

"Told me what?" Sirius squinted as he sat down on the floor before Remus.

"He bet," Remus leaned inclose, "that I would never kiss Lily."

Sirius joined in with his friend's giggling for a moment before he shook his head vehemently. "I think there's something in these booze."

"I wouldn't be surprised," said Remus, nodding with every word, "but Hogwarts alcohol does always tastes like goblin piss, so who knows."


"I'm so glad you're back in this dorm," Ginny beamed. "We should really have a girls' night every night."

"With horrific plans like that, I may as well go back to staying with Remus," Hermione said.

"Not on my watch," said Ginny, almost bouncing off the walls with excitement. "Harry and Ron are going to be so glad to see you in the common room before breakfast tomorrow. And I want to hear all about Sirius. You have to tell me absolutely everything."

"I'll be right back," said Hermione in a much more lethargic tone. "I haven't seen Snuffles around, and you know me, always assuming the worst."


"Remus?" she said, entering his room and catching sight of the drunken pair. "Sirius?"

"Hiya, love," said a dazed Sirius. "I've just made a bet with Moony."

"And d-don't you forget it," replied his groggy friend.

"Of course you did," Hermione said patronisingly.

"No, you don't understand," Remus said as she helped him up. "Th-the booze. I think something spiked them. Something? Someone. I'm thinking someone-" He paused, bringing his hand to his mouth. "I think I'm going to-" He paused again. "No, I'm fine."

"Come on, let's get you to bed, eh? We can sort everything else out tomorrow," said Hermione, tucking him in. She turned to her husband. "You too, Sirius."

"I fucking love you sometimes."

"I know, sweetie," she said, putting his arm around her neck and helping him to stand. He immediately fell over again, pulling her down with him into the armchair. "Get some sleep and sober up. You'll feel better in the morning."

"Where are you going?" Sirius asked, not letting go of her hand.

"To find the person who spiked your drinks," she said.

"Give 'em hell," he laughed. "I love you."

"I love you too."


"What the hell did you put in booze?" Hermione yelled sternly.

"Lower you voice, Hermione. It's 2 in the morning," came the reply.

"And you just happen to be awake at this hour?" she stated.

The dark figure of her potions professor approached her. "Ok, fine, it was me. It was just a bit of Veritaserum and a sedative. That's practically what alcohol is anyway. Why are you even here? You could have quite easily come tomorr-" He paused as an impish grin grew across his face. "Oh," he finally said.

"Get over yourself, Severus," she corrected. "That ended a long time ago."

"Then why are you in my room at 2 o'clock in the morning?"

"Because you poisoned my husband and my friend, and I swear, if you ever do anything like that again, if you even so much as hurt one hair on their heads," she took a step closer to him, "I'll tear you to pieces," she breathed.


"Why does this always happen to me?" she muttered to herself, strolling back to Remus's room to check on the boys.

Muffled footsteps interrupted her self-talk.

Shit, Filch!

Someone's hand stretched around from behind her and grabbed her mouth. She froze. Their other hand grabbed her stomach and dragged her back silently into a dent in the wall. "Shhh," they whispered gently in her ear.

Shaking with fear, she wriggled as much as she could to free herself, but she was far from strong enough, and her muffled cries were not heard...

So she thought.

"Is someone there?" she heard Filch say after few minutes.

"Shhh," the voice repeated.

This time she listened to the voice. Filch's detentions were something she really couldn't deal with right now. She stopped trying to move and held her breath.

Mrs Norris was a metre away and getting closer by the second. The cat purred with each paw it placed closer to Hermione. It was too dark to see what was going on, but Hermione knew it was over - she would be scrubbing floors for a month.

Then Hermione felt herself slowly being lifted up by the arm around her waist.

The cat reached a pair of feet. In the moment Hermione assumed her captor would have been bitten, the cat fled for its life.

"Come on, Mrs Norris," Filch called. "They're probably round here somewhere." Followed by, "Students out of bed at this hour in the morning," and a huff. "It's disgraceful."

"Meow," the cat replied from the distance.

Slowly being put down and released, Hermione finally took a breath.

"That was a close one, Herm," the voice whispered.

"Sirius?!" she yelled in a whisper, turning to face him. "What the actual fuck was that for?"

"What was what for?" he asked.

"You didn't think to tell me it was you?" She raised her eyebrows disapprovingly and crossed her arms but he could barely make out the shape of her body in the darkness.

"Well who else would it have been?" he said with little control over his over-exaggerating limbs. "It's 2 in the morning." He swung his arm out and spun around in a full circle.

"Well half an hour ago you were fumbling over your feet, so hex me for ruling you out as a possibility."

"No faith," he said. "I have an amazing ability to hold my liquo-" He paused. "Hold that thought," he said, running straight past her, hand over mouth.

"I give up," she said, chasing after him.


"It's ok, sweetie," Hermione said, rubbing his back as he threw up into the toilet. "Get it all out." She had tied up his hair and was crouching next to him, holding him close so he didn't collapse onto the floor.

"I'm sorry, Herm," he said, placing his elbows on the toilet seat and lifting his forehead into his hands. "I thought you would have been able to tell it was me. In my defence, you do spend your life smelling me."

That made Hermione smile for the first time that night. She didn't know why. It wasn't a compliment. Quite the opposite. But something about the way he said it reminded her of why she fell in love with him.

"I'm wearing your shirt," she laughed, adjusting a strand of hair, which had fallen out of his hair tie, by tucking it behind his ear. "And it smells very much like you. That's actually why I'm wearing it."

"Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" he slurred. "You're absolutely bloody perfect." With that he collapsed into her arms.


Hermione entered Remus's room silently to make sure he was ok. He suddenly shot up out of bed. "Hermione," he said, running over to her and tripping over his feet. "Have you seen Sirius?"

"Don't worry about him. He's fine," she smiled, catching Remus before he fell face first onto the floor. "Go back to sleep."

"I don't feel right," he murmured, holding his stomach and the bedpost for support. The hand holding the bed post shot over his mouth, and Hermione grabbed him for the second time to stop him falling. "I think I'm going to-" He tried running, but settled for Hermione's pace when he realised he would fall over without her.

Hermione held him while he coughed up everything he had eaten in the last day. She could feel him shaking in her arms, so began to stroke his hair to calm him down.

"You alright?" she said after he had stopped coughing.

"No," he whispered with all the strength he had. "I don't think I am."

A few moments later, he too had passed out.


"Be right back?" Ginny asked. "You were gone 3 hours. Did you even find him?"

"Find who?"

"Snuffles," she said patronisingly. "You said you were going look for him."

"Oh, right. Yeah," said Hermione, strolling over to her bed. "He was with Remus."

"Remus? Since when can Remus tame hellhounds?"

Hermione looked to her friend and then to her bed. "Ginny, you do realise Snuffles is just Si-... you know what, never mind. I want sleep."


Hermione woke 3 hours later. However much she wanted a lie-in, she had lessons to attend and two drunken messes to deal with. She took a shower, changing out of her new favourite shirt and into her robes. Brushing her hair in the common room, she was greeted by Ron:

"Morning," he muttered. "Didn't know you were back in Gin's dorm. I, um, I'm sorry about that whole thing on Saturday."

"You're an idiot, Ronald."

"I didn't know," he said. "I really thought you were shagging him."

"I know," she said. "Come sit down next to me."

"I really am sorry," said Ron.

She smiled sympathetically. "I know," she said softly.

"So you're not angry?" he asked timidly.

"Ron, I'm over it," she smiled, "really."

"So you're... not going to hex me?"

She reached forward and put her hand on his shoulder. "No, I'm not."

"Not even for the Lavender thing?"

"Why would I do that?" she laughed. "The girl you cheated on me with stood you up. And as far as I can tell, she has no plan to talk to you in the near future. I think that's poetic justice enough, don't you?"

"I'm sorry, 'Mione," he repeated.

"You really don't have to keep apologising. I don't care anymore."

"But I really am sorry," he said. "I wish I never did it. I wish I could make up for what I did. I want to go back to before all of this. I want you to be mine again."

"We both know that's never going to happen. The past is the past. Let's try to live in the now, eh? Try not to dwell on all that old stuff. How about this afternoon you teach me how to win a game of chess?"

"You want to play chess with me?" He crinkled his eyebrows.

"You're the best player around. Why would I go to anyone else?"


Remus woke to the sunlight entering his room. He looked around and found himself in his bed. His head was pounding, and he had no memory of what had happened the previous night, so he thought a shower might help. He climbed slowly out of bed and saw a note on the side:

Take this

You'll feel much better

- Hermione

It was attached to a little vial that he took at once. Hermione was right - he was already starting to feel better.

He spotted another note when he stood up. This once was attached to his wand and read:

Only pick up when you feel better. I don't plan on clearing up any other messes you make.

- Hermione

He smiled. Looking after me as always, he thought.

Next to his wand was a glass of water, with 'drink', written in block capitals next to it.

"Thank you," he said aloud.

He climbed into the shower and attempted to remember what he could. By the time he turned off the water, he had managed to recall most of the events of the previous night in a hazy state.


Sirius woke up in a generously sized bed. He looked around for Hermione but couldn't see her. The walls were green and dull, so were the bed sheets, and so were the tapestries on the ceiling.

"No fucking way," he breathed, double taking the room. "Oh Snivellus, I'm going to have so much fun."

He sat up and was struck by a searing headache. Closing his eyes, he pulled off the bed sheets and sat on the side of the bed. Forehead in hand, he examined the bedside table for clues as to what could have possibly happened the previous night.

Take this

You'll feel much better

- Hermione

PS. Yes, this is Snape's room

"I knew I married you for a reason," he said to the note, downing the potion in one. "Hermione Black strikes again."

Hmm, he thought, what to do first...

He took a sip of the water on the side and picked up his wand.

" 'Only pick up when you feel better' ," he read. "Come on, Herm, you know better than that." Wand in hand, he stumbled to the door and nosed his head around the corner. A grin beyond belief spread across his face. He was alone.


Snape woke much later that everyone else when he felt something pulling on his foot. His eyes shot open and he immediately began to flail his arms. He was in the middle of the Great Lake. He reached into his pocket for his wand but couldn't find it. Attempting to kick the giant squid off of his ankle, he swam as fast as he could to the edge of the water.

Five minutes later he was drying his cloak on the nearest rock. "Hermione bloody Black," he muttered to himself. "I'm going to kill you when I find my wand. And if you've snapped it, I'll strangle you."

He picked up his shoes and cloak, and began to storm up the rocky pathway to the school. Reaching the school gate, he charged passed the masses of student heading to breakfast, and headed to his room.

Upon entering his room, everything felt a little out of place. He walked up to the table at the side and found a note:

Take this

You'll feel much better

- Hermione

PS. I'm not going to apologise because we both know that it was well deserved.

"Throw me in a lake why don't you, Granger," he ranted at the fresh clothes that he was throwing out of his draw and onto his bed. "All I did was play a little prank. It was a fucking Veritaserum with a bit of Valerian ...oh, oh shit."

No, they wouldn't have drunk that much... he thought. They're saner than that. Aren't they?

Next to the vial lay his wand with a note attached:

I wasn't going to let you lose your wand now, was I? Those merpeople would never give it back if they got their hands on it.

- Hermione

PS. You're welcome

He took off his soaked robes and picked up the dry ones. Something was all over them. Hair?

He brushed off what he could, but it was everywhere. Then it hit him. He lifted the duvet off of his bed from one corner, taking in a deep breath.

"Black!" he yelled at the dog hair littering his bed.


"Morning," Sirius said, standing in the doorframe of the bedroom.

"Morning," Remus replied. He had just got changed and was about to head down for breakfast.

"How are you feeling?" asked Sirius.

"Hermione is a godsend," said Remus.

Sirius smiled. "Yes, yes she is. What would we do without her?"

"Exactly," laughed his friend. "Did you want to get some breakfast?"

"Well technically I can't show my face around here."

"I mean in Hogsmeade. We should go now so I'm back in time for lessons."

"If you say so."


"Come on, Gin," said Hermione. "Let's get something to eat."

"Now?"

"Yeah, I want to catch Draco. I want to talk to him."

"Oh, ok."

"And I need to see Remus too."

"Fine. Let's go."


"So what happened when you woke up?" asked Sirius as they made their way to Hogsmeade.

"Well I'd somehow made it into my bed," answered Remus. "There was a potion on the side for my headache, and a glass of water, and she'd put a note on my wand telling me not to use it until I felt better. What about you?"

"Same," he muttered. "Well, except for the fact I was in Snivellus's room."

"Oh really?" Remus nodded.

Sirius got the note out of his pocket to show it to Remus. "I have no idea where Snivellus is," he laughed, "because I woke up in his bed."

But Remus was a little distracted, staring at something behind him. "Padfoot," he said.

"Moony, did you hear me? I woke up in Snivellus Snape's bed this morning."

"Yeah, I heard you buddy," Remus said casually. "Look over there," he pointed. "Do you see what I see?"

Sirius turned. Snape was dredging himself out of the Great Lake. "Have you got a camera?" he laughed.

"What? Why would I take a picture? He clearly needs help."

"No," Sirius said, stopping his friend. "I know who did that to him and she wouldn't do it without a valid reason."

"What if her reason was to free his bed for you to use? What if she didn't realise he would be attacked by the giant squid?"

"Trust me, Remus," said Sirius. "She knows what she's doing. She sorted us out just fine, didn't she?"

He nodded. "Speaking of Hermione, that bet we made..."

"Never happened."

"Cheers," he said. They walked a few more metres before Remus stopped dead in his tracks. "Hold up," he said. "You actually woke up in Snape's bed?"

"Yes," Sirius replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"So what did you do?"

"Ah, so now you're interested."


Hermione and Ginny made there way down the corridor to Remus's room. They turned the corner and-

"Shit," Hermione whispered, pulling Ginny back before they were spotted.

"What?" Ginny asked, nosing her head round the corner. "Snape? I thought you were friends?"

"Yeah, well we were," said Hermione. "I kinda pissed him off."

"What did you do?" asked Ginny.

"Um..."

"REMUS!" they heard him shout. "Where are you?"

They could hear the door being unlocked and a few seconds later, slammed shut.

"Let's get out of here," whispered Hermione, who began to run off. "Quick, let's go."

"Mrs Black?!" his voice thundered.

"Run, Gin, I'll catch up with you later," said Hermione. "Professor Snape, how are you this fine morning?"

"Well I've just been to my room," he squinted. "Do you know what I found in my bed?"

"That's a little personal, isn't it, Professor?" she said, holding in her laughter. "Enlighten me."

"Dog hair," he said through gritted teeth. "Black to be exact."

"Merlin, Snape," she said unenthusiastically. "How will you possibly survive?"

"This isn't funny," he countered.

"No, but neither is poisoning people," she said, crossing her arms and raising her eyebrows.

"Stop pouting, Hermione," he said checking behind him to make sure they were alone. "I wasn't trying to poison them."

"Really, because you did."

"And why would I poison them?"

"I can think of a dozen reasons of the top of my head."

"Do any of those scenarios involve me brewing an antidote as soon as I realised what I did?"

"At least 3."

"You insufferable little mud-" He paused, stopping himself from finishing that sentence. He'd said it once before and realised he shouldn't make the same mistake with the only other girl who had recognised him as a human being.

"I'm sorry, I missed that. What exactly did you call me?"

He leaned in closer to her. "A normal amount of that potion would have just been a bit of fun. It's not my fault that they drunk twice the recommended amount to tranquillise a horse."

"I didn't know there was a recommended amount to tranquillise a horse."

"There isn't. I made that up. I just assumed that if there was one, it would be a lot."

"Good day, Professor." She turned and walked off.

"Hermione," he said, chasing after her and grabbing her by the wrist. "Please. You have to believe me. I promise you, I didn't know."

She swung round to face him. "You have the audacity to come up to me now and tell me it wasn't your fault," she spat. "You poisoned two people I care about with a potion you claim not to know the affects of. You're the fricking Potions Professor at this school. I confront you about it and you make some joke about being in your room in the middle of the night. And to top it off, you call me a... you call me that name."

Snape gulped. He was lost for words. He watched her walk off, around the corner, and she was gone.