This chapter is dedicated to Izzie Lau, of whom I had a quite wonderful conversation with, and guest reviewer VioletEyes, of whom I received a review from that reminded me of Imperfect's roots.
Also, YEAHHHH I UPDATED TWICE IN A MONTH! Actually really proud of myself for that and getting it over 2,000 words.
..
I have been told many times that I am a workaholic.
The people who have told me that aren't exactly wrong.
Because the only reason I'm trying to work on something all the time is because I feel like I need a distraction. A distraction from my thoughts.
When I don't try and control what I'm thinking about, my thoughts go rampant, taking over my mind and momentarily apprehending me with the beliefs that
I'm the one that everyone hates.
or
I'm the one that messes everything up.
or even
I'm a burden.
I'm worthless.
I don't fit in.
I'm irrelevant in the plot of everyone else's lives.
I remember that while I was in middle school and at home and started thinking those, I would go sit down in my closet in the corner and close the doors. My tears would fall but I wouldn't say anything, and I made temporary imprints into my left arm with my thumbnail.
I would remember all the bullies, all the people that I felt didn't like me, all the people who I felt were a burden to.
It made me remember moments when my friends hesitated before saying that yes, they would play with me; it made me remember moments when I walked into the lunchroom and didn't know anyone and just felt so out of place.
It was like my mind was trying it's hardest to make me feel like poop. Irrelevant, and essentially not really needed.
..
"What did you answer for number one?" Macey asked, walking by my side to our next class. We had just taken a test in the last one, and admittedly it was pretty hard- plus it was worth twenty percent of our grade for the semester. "C," I answered, and watched as her eyes widened.
"I answered D," she whispered, confused. "Where's Liz? I'll ask her."
"You were both wrong," Liz said, sliding in between us. "It was A. Because when you take the square root of..."
Her explanation slowly grew to only a buzz in my ear as I just watched all the people who passed by. Their glances would land on me for only a brief second and then immediately look somewhere else. Did they see something about me? Was there something different?
"Cam? Caaaaaaam?" Macey sang, snapping her fingers in front of my face. "Hey. You okay? You look like you're depressed or something." Then she laughed, wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "What am I talking about? You're like the peppiest person ever. Let's go to lunch," she finished, dragging me behind her.
She doesn't think I'm depressed.
..
I don't think I've ever been actually understood.
There is sympathy.
An enormous, overflowing amount of sympathy.
But empathy has never existed for me. Not that I've seen.
No empathy.
Only sympathy.
Maybe it was partially my fault?
Me not trying to find other people who were also depressed?
Even though I knew someone who was?
Bailey.
I needed to talk to Bailey.
..
"Well, I would say that this is a bit odd. A student asking to go to the principal's office." Bailey laughed, and I smiled a little bit.
Not sincerely, though.
"Sit down!" She invited me, and I stepped into her office to fall into one of the butterfly chairs. "So. What did you want to talk about?"
Decisions-
Make up a lie.
Blurt out the truth.
Confess that I know one of her presumably biggest secrets.
"I… Uh… Um..."
I just wanted to say sorry, for all the trouble I've caused you.
Or...
I'm depressed.
Or...
I know you're depressed.
"It's… It's just..."
"Yes, Cammie?"
She stared at me, encouraging me to go on- be truthful.
"Is there a reason why you're her-"
"I know you're depressed," I said, louder than intended. Bailey blinked a couple of times, allowed her to look taken aback for only a few seconds before she recovered at surprising speed.
"What? Cammie, I'm not depressed-"
"Yes, you are. Zach told me."
She stopped talking.
"What did he tell you?"
My heart started fluttering harder than it already had been. Her voice sounded almost menacing, and I started to regret what I had done.
It took me a few minutes before gathering the courage to continue.
"He said… He said you shot him."
Her eyes started to well up, but her gaze didn't waver from mine. She mumbled something, that I could best decipher as, "It was an accident."
I sat there, choosing not to say anything as Bailey looked away from me. "I… I… I still can't grapple with it. What kind of sane person shoots their brother?" Tears started to fall from the corner of her eye, but she tried not to blink too much. I understood that feeling- not wanting to blink away tears because you feel like you deserve them.
"Why did he tell you I was depressed?"
Deep breaths are sometimes hard to take.
They're hard to take when you have to confess to something, good or bad.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Something so easily done, but taken for granted by so many.
And then there was something.
There was something, in my throat, that didn't let me speak.
Then there was something in my chest, that didn't let me breathe.
I choked on air.
"Cammie? Cammie?!"
And I literally could not speak.
"Cammie? Are you okay? Do you need water, or something?" Bailey stood up. "I'll go get you some water from the nurses office." And with that she darted out of the room. It wasn't until she left that I started breathing normally again.
So close.
So close, yet so far.
Was there something out there? Something that didn't want me to be me? Something that didn't want me to connect to the people who could possibly help me?
Was that something just me?
Maybe I was protecting myself. Protecting myself from what? Maybe I was protecting myself from betrayal.
Bailey came back in with a paper cup filled halfway with water. "Here." She handed it to me, and I took a tiny sip of the tap water that nobody liked. Once a few minutes had passed, she asked the question again.
"Why did Zach tell you I'm depressed?"
It's because…
It's because…
It's be-
"I was just doing some research recently about it."
"Oh."
She looked slightly taken aback, crestfallen even.
"Actually…"
"Yes?"
Inhale.
Exhale.
Speak.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Speak.
"Zach suspected I was depressed," I blurted out. "And… And he was right about it."
Bailey was silent.
"Come into my office during your free period tomorrow."
..
I went home and acted as normal as possible. Grant didn't notice anything off, neither did Zach.
My laptop was almost closed and was on my right, my phone lay on my chest with my headphones connected, and I had the music to the highest volume it could get to. I stared at the ceiling, watched the blinking lights of the smoke detector.
When I finally closed my eyes, I let my thoughts take over yet again.
All the time, people tell you to just shrug things off, forget about it.
But you can't.
I can't.
I actually can't.
..
I didn't go to bed out of fear that my thoughts would become my dreams, and my dreams would become my nightmares.
Why is it that I always hear criticism louder than praise?
..
"You're depressed."
"Yes."
"Do you know why?"
"No."
"Does it hurt?"
"No."
"Why not?"
Because I deserve it, I answered silently. I didn't say anything out loud, but the look in my eye must have been answer enough for Bailey.
"Do you feel alone?"
"No."
"Do you feel lonely?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Because even though there are people who could help me, I'm not going to tell them.
And why am I not going to tell them?
Because they wouldn't understand.
I gave her another pointed look, hoping to get my message across. She nodded, and dropped the subject.
"So. Are you going to give any answers other than yes or no verbally?"
I shrugged, and when she laughed, it made me feel slightly better.
..
When Macey and Bex decided that there was a need for our group of four to have a sleepover, Liz and I had no choice to go along with it.
And when Macey, Bex, and Liz couldn't host because their families were all coincidentally having parties, they all came to my house.
"Okay. Would you rather… Screw Grant, or your archenemy?" Macey asked, perfect brow arched. "Archenemy," the three of us chorused, and then we all stared at Bex. "Really Bex? You wouldn't?" Bex's eyes widened and shushed us all. "Guys, shut up! What if he's outside the door?!" We laughed at her expense but let her ask the next one.
"Let's ask individual questions. So… Cammie. Would you rather lick Macey's toe or Liz's?"
I bit the inside of my cheeks. "Um… Liz's, because it's smaller and that's less to lick." Liz shuddered at the thought and Macey shrugged. "Can't complain."
"Liz- would you rather have Ryder ask you out or Jonas?" Ryder was a senior, and the good looking captain of the Mathletes team. Liz had a huge crush on him when she was a freshman and a sophomore. But then again, now she had a crush on Jonas that was not as oblivious as they both thought it was.
"Jonas," she mumbled, throwing a pillow at me. "Macey! Would you rather have to give up concealer for the rest of your life or give up using any wifi for a year?"
"Wifi," Macey answered. "You guys know my skin gets horribly blotchy."
Suddenly, there was a creak from outside the door, and we turned our heads towards it. We stood up as silently as possible and tiptoed to the closed door, before Bex yanked it open and four heads fell at our feet.
One was a blonde.
The other had black hair.
And two were brunettes.
We girls each yelled the name of the boy at our feet.
"GRANT-"
"PRESTON-"
"JONAS-"
"ZACH-"
"WE ARE GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!"
..
I've actually been writing a lot lately. But not for this story, just one shots that I also kinda want to continue, except I really don't have the time and I don't want them just sitting in my files. So I'm thinking that I'm going to make a new story titled "Snippets". And in Snippets will basically be everything I write and you guys will be able to take those stories and either continue them, add them to your own stories, or make a spinoff. The only condition is that you guys just have to credit me, and if you don't credit me, then that's being a bad person and it's called plagiarism. Have fun with those.
But I also reserve the right to take scenes from Snippets and put them into Imperfect or use any snippets to make a whole story.
Snippets will include a few crossovers, and I have this one snippet that I want to challenge you guys with writing a story off of.
I also am planning to put Stronger and Don't Leave Me up for adoption (but I'd be happy to collaborate with someone to continue writing them), and not continue Unveiling Imperfect but leave it up as completed. I'm hoping to be able to continue How to Break a Heart, but if some of you guys want to collab with me on writing it I'd be happy to make that happen.
ALSO! I read Ally's new book, All Fall Down and I bought a signed copy, so expect some sort of fanfic for that. If you haven't read it yet, it's amazing and it's basically about Grace who lives literally on a row full of embassies from other countries and she tries to solve a mystery. If you have read it, then (SPOILER) :
I am literally so convinced that Megan is the kid of one of GG's characters. Like Macey's daughter or something. I could totally see that.
Question: Have any of you guys met Ally Carter? I met her when she toured in 2013 for the last time for GG and she is amazing.
Shout outs to Liela54352, Zach - Goode's - Girl. xxx (w/o spaces), Guest, Wordmeister259, lovewords, we-all-change, Sunniva Steiner (YES YOU GOT AN ACCOUNT!), BooksLover2000 (all your reviews, danke!), and whalesonjupiter!
