A/N: I don't know if it's still appropriate but happy new year to all of you who celebrate it on January 1st :D Anyhoo, it's been over 1.5 years that I wrote the last real chapter (and even almost 1.5 years since I wrote that announcement), and a lot has happened since then.. Like, I finally finished my bachelor's degree in math, so yay to that :D Also started a master's, so I'm still very busy xD Also, Paget came back to Criminal Minds.. which actually got the wheels in my head spinning again until I couldn't really ignore the wish to write another chapter for this fic again.
Anyhow, 1.5 years is quite a long time.. as it was almost the same amount of time that I was writing this fic in the first place :p So you can guess that my writing style has changed a bit.. and also, I tried, but I couldn't really find it within me to read back the fic in its entirety (I don't like reading my own stuff xD).. I've read the last two chapters though, so I know what happened last, and of course I know the bigger storylines but you have to forgive me if there's gonna be plotholes. I'll try to avoid them but I cannot promise anything!
Also, this is one chapter, but I already have a second one almost-ready.. I first intended this to be one chapter but it was looong and also the second part is pretty heavy again, whereas this one is very light-hearted. So I split them up in two parts instead. And I need to stress that my announcement still stands, as nothing about my time management has changed (I'm working on my master's degree now so I'm not swimming in free time xD) but if y'all are very enthusiastic about this and whatever, I might find it easier to find the motivation :p
Anyway, I have no idea if any of you is still reading this fic anymore.. but I must say that I was very touched by the amount of people that responded to my announcement.. and again - if I haven't responded to it personally - thank you! :)
Enough talk now, have fun!
Chapter XVIII
It had been three days since Emily almost pulled one of the most self-destructive moves she ever had in her life. JJ and Emily had not really talked about that night again, but JJ could still feel the impact that it had had on Emily. She knew that Emily was mulling over the words that JJ had said in her head and processing the meaning of it. Processing what JJ had said she felt for Emily.
Nothing much had changed, though, and JJ was glad about that. Maybe things had gotten a bit easier between the two of them. How they acted around each other.
Emily had come home from work the night prior, appearing strange and a bit uncomfortable. For a brief second JJ had thought that maybe she had some bad news, that she had thought things through and concluded that she could not give JJ what she needed. What she wanted. That she was going to leave her after all. She could not help but think those things, even if JJ knew that Emily would not do that. Not like that.
She had held up something that looked like a old-fashioned pager. Emily had told her that, if JJ were to push some buttons in the right sequence, that she would receive a signal on her phone that would let her know that JJ was in labor. Or so she said. JJ had felt as though it was more some kind of panic button, that she could push whenever she was in distress and needed Emily. But she did not say that. She figured that Emily needed to tell her it was for the baby so JJ did not know it was because she worried about her. Because of the things that had happened.
JJ knew that Emily had changed because of those things. She knew that she shouldered those burdens, too. Maybe they had not affected them in the same way as they had with JJ, but she was aware that Emily had changed around JJ. She was more defensive over JJ than before. Was casting more looks in her general direction than before, keeping an eye on her in a manner that suggested it could keep her safe, and keep her from being abducted again.
JJ sighed. She was currently sitting on a park bench. She had made it a habit to take a walk on a daily basis, so she would get her share of exercise. But the amount of miles she walked was decreasing as her pregnancy progressed, and she had been teased by Emily on multiple occasions for being so persistent in her walks, considering her ankles were getting more swollen by the week and with that more crankier with JJ's insistence. That did not keep Emily from massaging her feet every time she came home from a case, though. Emily somehow always tried to make her comfortable in every way.
She let her eyes fall to her hands that were resting on her abdomen. Her son was kicking every once in a while, reminding her that he was still there. She found comfort in that. Like she found comfort in repeating the sequence that Emily had showed her the night prior, the one she had been pushing on the buttons of the pager for the past half hour. Even if she were alone in the park, or alone at home or wherever she was, she could not help but feel surrounded by the people she cared for the most.
That meant Emily, but also Garcia, and Reid, and all of her other coworkers. That meant her parents, and her unborn son, but also Will. Even if she could not suppress the pain she felt in her chest every time she thought of him.
For a moment she let her thoughts drift back to the worst day of her life. Back in the chair. Will on the floor.
Her eyes ran out of focus, and once she realized what she was allowing herself to relive those moments, she snapped out of it, forcing herself to focus on something else. Her fingers were nervously clicking the buttons on the pager, and so she tried to stop, counting her breaths instead.
She inhaled slowly, and exhaled even more slowly, in an attempt to calm herself down. She tried to focus on Emily instead. On her hair. Her eyes. Her smile. She tried to imagine specific memories that had made her feel better. Had made her forget the painful memories and experiences that left such a bad taste in her mouth, that let her relive those moments as if she were there again.
She closed her eyes, willing away the bad thoughts and trying to make way for the good ones.
She wished she could just go to the gym and have her way with a punching bag. Or go running. Or any other way she could fight something tangible. She wanted to do something. Not that she was not able to fight the struggles that her own mind provided her with, but it was just easier. And it was also something that ended. This was everlasting. The memories that kept bubbling up, whether she was awake or asleep.
There was not much she could do to protect herself from them. But that was probably the problem with trauma in general, and something she only started to understand this well now that she was actually attempting to deal with it instead of running away. It had a habit of catching up with her one way or the other. She had learned that the hard way.
She exhaled. She gazed at a fixed point on the ground, forcing her eyes into focus again.
When she had cleared her head, she scrambled up from the bench, pocketing the pager. She looked around her, observing the park. There were not that many people. A woman walking her dog, a man with a stroller, two kids that were probably playing hooky.
She watched them for a second, before she decided she had spent enough time away from home and made a move to leave. She took the long way home, though.
Half an hour later, she walked into the building of Emily's apartment. She smiled at the doorman as she walked past him, earning a smile back from him immediately. Instead of taking the stairs, as she usually did, she decided to take the elevator, her ankles already complaining.
When she opened the door of the apartment, she heard a lot of noises coming from the inside of the apartment. She stepped inside, and she was immediately greeted by the sight of Emily and Morgan, who were clumsily maneuvering a desk through the small hallway in the direction of the living room. By the amount of dust on Emily's red tank top, JJ guessed that they had been cleaning out Emily's office.
She watched them struggle for half a minute, apparently going unnoticed in doing so. Emily was too busy uttering instructions at Morgan, and Morgan's back was turned at her.
"Hey guys." She finally said with a grin. Emily almost dropped her end of the desk in response, and Morgan's shoulders visibly jolted, but other than that he showed no sign that he was all that startled.
"Hey Jayje." Emily responded with a smile, which molded in a grimace when the desk landed on her foot when it slipped from her hand after all. "Shit." She mumbled, followed by a few other curse words, but Morgan's greeting drowned out the muttering.
Reid's head appeared around the corner of the office. "Hey, JJ." He smiled. He was holding a lampshade, and did not look as sweaty and dusty as Morgan and Emily, so she guessed he had primarily done lighter work.
"What are you guys doing?" JJ asked with an amused frown on her face. She folded her arms in front of her chest and leaned against the doorpost.
"I eh.." Emily started, stumbling over the desk to get to her. Morgan frowned at her, silently communicating that she needed to find her chill, but it went either straight past Emily, or she just ignored him. "Can I talk to you in the hallway?"
Apparently she was a bit embarrassed in front of her coworkers, which amused JJ even more. She opened the door further to let Emily go outside first, not budging an inch. So Emily had no choice than to push herself past her to get outside, giving JJ a defiant look in the process.
"Don't like to publicly display affection?" JJ questioned with a grin, pulling the front door closed to grant them a bit more seclusion. She knew that Emily was very keen on her privacy.
"You know I don't." Emily stuck out her tongue, but could not keep herself from planting a kiss on JJ's cheek.
"Is your foot okay?" JJ glanced down, as if she could actually see whether it was broken or not. She knew it was not. The desk was massive and heavy, and sort of ugly, but she doubted that the woman's foot would break from the small height it had dropped. Although she did suspect that Emily would probably still look like nothing was wrong when it was broken.
"It's probably broken." Emily said as her gaze dropped at her foot as well. "Maybe you should take a look at it. Later, I mean." The attempt to keep her face serious failed when JJ rolled her eyes in a feigned annoyance, but her lips curled in a smile within seconds.
"I bet." JJ chuckled, fixing her eyes on Emily. "So tell me what you were doing." She added as she gestured with her head in the direction of their apartment.
"Well," Emily began, biting her lip. "You know how we talked about.. stuff, a few days ago? I thought I could surprise you by clearing out my office.. you know, for the baby." She nodded at JJ's stomach to emphasize her phrase. "Hotch gave us a few hours off, because we had a few long days this week, so I asked the guys to come over and help me do it."
"Well, I am surprised." JJ smiled broadly.
"I mean, we don't have to use it. I'm not even saying that-" Emily rambled, getting nervous all of a sudden. "We haven't talked about it yet but-"
"Shh." JJ hummed as she placed her index finger over Emily's lips. "Em, I love it. I love you. And we can talk about it later, if you want. But I wasn't going anywhere yet, and even if we are.. Not this close to my due date. I really appreciate this. I really appreciate what you're doing." She smiled reassuringly at Emily, cupping her cheek with her hand.
"Good." Emily nodded as she exhaled in what looked like relief. She smiled weakly. "You weren't supposed to be here before we were done but.. Do you want to look at it? We are almost done anyway."
"Of course." JJ said, tilting her head as she looked at Emily.
"What?" She asked in some kind of paranoid suspicion.
"Nothing."
"That has never been a reassuring answer, you know." Emily pointed out, her eyes squinting as she scanned JJ's face.
"It wasn't meant as such." JJ smiled sheepishly. "I was just enjoying the view."
"And I thought I was cheesy." Emily teased, but she could not suppress the amusement that seeped in her entire posture.
"Shut up." JJ nudged Emily's side in a particularly ticklish spot, making Emily squirm the tiniest bit. "Now go inside, we have guests." She said as she pecked Emily on her lips.
Two hours later, Reid and Morgan left after having been treated with pizza and drinks. The office was now empty, and the furniture that had been inside of it till hours prior had been either thrown out or earned another place in the apartment, giving the space a fuller feeling than it used to do. But Emily did not mind. At all.
She closed the door behind Morgan and Reid, putting all the locks and the bolt in place before turning around. "Jayje?" She called questioningly.
"I'm here." Emily heard coming from what was formerly known as her office. She picked up the roll of tape that she had used she fix a few things that had not survived the move unscathed, and walked into the room, joining JJ.
"Are you trying to figure out where everything's going?" Emily asked softly, her hands fiddling with the roll of tape.
"I have some ideas." JJ answered, turning to Emily, who pulled at the tape, unrolling it until she had about three inches worth of it spanning between her hands.
"Care to share them with me?" A smile was playing around Emily's lips. "I can draw the furniture with this."
JJ chuckled. "Well, I thought this might be a nice place for the crib." She pointed at the space where her desk had stood merely hours earlier, and it tallied with Emily's opinion of a 'nice place for the crib', so she sank to her knees and started putting tape on the floor to represent the crib.
JJ resumed pointing out places for the changing table and some other things, as Emily marked them on the floor with tape. Moments later, they had furnished a room without purchasing or lifting any form of furniture, and they were both happy with the result.
"I would like to add something." Emily broke the comfortable silence that was hanging in the air, biting her lip. It was like she was fighting back a smile, but JJ could not figure out why. "You know how parents sometimes have this rocking chair in movies and TV shows? To rock their kids asleep?"
JJ nodded, knowing where this was going.
"Wouldn't you love it if would put one right there?" She pointed to an empty space in the corner, looking at it as if she were already picturing the chair, and her sitting in it.
"The question is, would you?" JJ countered, enjoying Emily's behavior. She was supposed to believe that the woman was joking, which she probably was to some extent, but her posture betrayed actually how much she liked the idea of it.
"What?" She asked distractedly.
"You totally dig the idea of having a rocking chair." JJ chuckled. "And not just to rock your kid asleep."
Emily scoffed, her hand covering her chest in a faux-hurt manner. "Not sure if I'm more hurt by the fact that you think this of me or that it's true." She laughed. "I mean, I'm totally suggesting this because I secretly want to have one to dress up like an old lady and look judgingly at other people as I knit a sweater."
"Or sit in there, looking menacingly around you as you clean your shotgun." JJ offered, earning a smirk from Emily.
"You judge me, but you think it's a good idea, too." Emily stated, moving to sit down in the space, against the wall as she cosed her eyes, humming in joy. "Come join me."
JJ shook her head in feigned disapproval, but she took place in front of Emily anyway, the brunette pulling her between her legs, with her back resting against Emily's chest. She leaned back, her head turning to plant a kiss on her mouth. "I must say.." JJ mused. "This does feel nice."
Emily wrapped her arms around JJ, pulling her a tad closer. "Told ya." She replied as she rested her chin on JJ's shoulder.
