With the door shut firmly, then locked for good measure, behind her, Clary pressed her back against it and slid to the floor. Her heart pounded in her chest and threatened to break free from her ribcage. She clutched her shirt at her chest as if trying to coax her ribs to stay strong against the attack.
What the hell? What the absolute hell?!
It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. The words crashed around her head in the silent room.
Why is the world around her falling apart? Why can't her feelings sort themselves out and be normal for a change? Why did all of this have to happen? Clary started to sob into her knees. She didn't like the way her emotions were turning. Why does it have to be him? Why can't she have nightmares about him? He's the one who merited them more than anyone yet instead, her subconscious is giving her nightmares about the people that she loves and trusts. Is she developing Stockholm syndrome? Clary pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. I'm slipping. I'm truly slipping into madness. I don't want to think about this. I don't want to fear everything I've always found to be safe. I don't want to have any of these feelings. I want to forget everything. I want to forget myself until I'm nothing and I feel nothing. That, at least, would be easier then living in this twisted reality where the only comfort I can seem to find is in the one person I detest the most…I don't think I can do this anymore.
Remembering the mirror, Clary grabbed it and stared at it before deciding to open it. Should she try Simon once more? Did she want to see him? She felt uncomfortable, remembering the scene that transpired last time she contacted him. Simon had Isabelle now. There was no need for her anymore. Jace wasn't quite the same. No one really needed her. Her mom and Luke finally had each other. Did anyone really even care that she was gone? Simon said they were looking for her but he didn't seem too distraught when she saw him the other night. Would anyone even care if she never came back? How long had she even been here? How much of who she was had chipped away in the things she had seen and done? Clary closed the mirror and set it on the floor beside her. She heaved a heavy sigh and wiped the drying tears from her cheeks. This kind of thinking wasn't doing her any good. She stood on shaky legs and went out to the kitchen for some water. She felt dizzy but the cold water was refreshing and helped to clear away some of her thoughts. Thinking of nothing was extremely difficult but if she was to have some peace of mind, it was something that she had to do for now.
How was she supposed to sort out her thoughts when she had no one to talk to? No one to confide in?
Clary glanced up from her water at the sound of approaching footsteps. They were so soft that she almost didn't hear them. She wasn't particularly surprised to see Sebastian but that didn't mean she wanted to. Clary braced herself for whatever snide comment he was going to make and prepared an appropriate glare accordingly. Sebastian, however, said nothing. He calmly walked to the refrigerator, poured himself a glass of water and turned to leave with it in hand. Clary was stunned and for some reason, irritated.
"That's it? You have nothing to say?"
Sebastian stopped and turned back toward Clary and stared at her.
"You're not going to belittle me and make me feel small like you always do?" Clary practically yelled at him.
"Is that what you want me to do?" He replied calmly, taking few steps in her direction.
"Of course not! What is wrong with you?" She was so frustrated she thought she was going to explode. All of the hurt and anger and confusion was bottled up inside and it all wanted to burst free.
"What do you want me to say, Clary?" He was close enough that Clary could touch him if he took another step. He didn't. He simply set the glass on the counter next to him and looked down at her.
"Something! Anything! Tell me I'm weak and stupid or tell me everything is going to be okay. Just don't ignore me and walk away indifferently like you couldn't be bothered to give a shit!" Clary's cheeks felt hot and her eyes stung with the herald of soon coming tears. She clenched her fists until she felt the sharp bite of her nails in her fleshy palms. She wouldn't cry in front of him. She wouldn't.
"I don't understand what you're worked up about."
"You don't understand. What's there to understand? I'm just loosing my mind over here but no one can be bothered to understand!" Clary closed the last step and started punching Sebastian's chest furiously. The dam broke and all of the rage and hurt tumbled out through her fists.
"I hate this house! I hate being trapped here! I hate the isolation! The loneliness. I can't stand it….No one is coming for me…No one cares…" The tears finally spilled over and Clary's punches became weaker and weaker with every word. The last punch landed no stronger than a touch and turned to clench Sebastian's shirt as she bawled openly into his chest.
Sebastian, who had let her use him as a punching bag, slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her tight to him while she sobbed loudly. He rested his chin on her head and she let it out. She let it all out. All of the misery that she had been keeping inside. All of the tears she wanted to shed for her old life and the nightmares that incessantly haunted her. She let out the tears she had been holding for the life that her and Jace could never go back to. She cried and cried until she felt like she had completely emptied herself out. When she had calmed to just hiccuping and intermediate sobs, Sebastian loosened his grip.
"Why does it have to be like this?" Clary spoke into his chest. It was quiet and muffled and he almost didn't hear her. Sebastian's black eyes regarded her silently, looking at her now as if trying to make a decision in his mind. He didn't elaborate but instead brought Clary's face up to his and his lips down to hers and kissed her. Her eyes widened briefly and for just one inconceivable, stupid, twisted, outrageous, insane, unguarded moment, Clary let him.
She felt her body melt into the embrace with the longing for companionship while her mind was fighting the impulse. She heard a crack and wondered if it was her breaking inside; pieces of her crumbling into the will of the one in front of her.
Then the moment ended and Clary stepped back with her hand over her mouth, shaking her head.
Sebastian let out a sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a humorless chuckle.
"You look at me like I'm the worst thing to ever happen in existence."
"You probably are."
A sudden flash of rage flickered in his eyes then quickly dissipated.
"I don't want to be a monster. I never chose this… Do you know what it's like to only be raised with anger, fear and pain?" He pinned her with his unrelenting cold stare. Clary squirmed under the intensity. Whatever she was expecting him to say, this was definitely not it.
"I've never known what love is. No one has ever loved me. The only thing I know how to do is be a monster. But I'm trying. I try so hard to not be that way with you. For you. And I'm good enough that you let me console you when it's good for you and then sneer at me afterwards. It's all about you. You use me when it suits you and call me a monster when it doesn't."
His gaze turned cold and Clary felt all the warmth drain from her body.
"You don't care about anyone but yourself, Clary. You don't care that you've ruined me. You don't care that I'm trying to please you, that I need you. You just focus on how unhappy you are without regard as to whether anyone else is suffering. You're selfish in the worst way. You use people."
"That's not true." Anger spurred a response from Clary's previously frozen mouth.
"Isn't it? Who did you come to for comfort last night? Who was it that consoled you not ten minutes ago?"
"That was—"
"And now you step away from me and glare because you've been consoled and I'm back to being the monster you fear and hate."
Clary started to argue but stopped.
"Are you sure I'm the one who's the monster?" Sebastian lowered his voice.
"I am NOT a monster! You've killed people!" Clary shouted at him.
"At least I don't try to deceive myself that I'm a good person as I slowly rip them apart from the inside, crushing their soul while giving them false hope of redemption."
"I don't do that! God, what is wrong with you? Why do you always have to ruin everything?!" Clary was exasperated. How had things turned upside down so quickly?
Sebastian let out a sad laugh. "That's the one sentence that I've always heard over and over from everyone I've ever known my entire life: 'Why must you ruin everything?'"
As much as she didn't want to, Clary felt a pang of sorrow for him. It's true, it was much easier to think of him as a monster. Sebastian being a complex person with conflicting emotions was too much. It was heartbreaking and Clary couldn't chance to spare the emotions for him. She had seen what he had been capable of doing to people that empathized with him unwittingly. She didn't want to make the mistake of letting him get to her but even as her brain told her this, she couldn't help but think of him as a hurting boy who only wanted to know the feeling of someone to love him. Clary's hand reached out for his arm. He caught it and pulled her in suddenly for a rough embrace. Sebastian buried his face in her neck and clung to her like a life vest. Clary was too stunned to move.
"I hate you Clary," he whispered into her hair. She sucked in her breath and held it.
"Because I love you, and I wish I didn't." He squeezed her tighter and Clary wrapped her arms around his back while he shook with warring emotions. For now, she was just a girl consoling a boy. For now, they would stand here silently trying to sort out their own demons. For now, this was okay, Clary was thinking when Sebastian pulled back just enough so that she could see his black eyes looking back at her.
"I don't know how to love you, Clary. But I was taught to get what I want by any means necessary and that I do know how to do."
