Chapter Twenty-eight
As Aeryn made her way toward the port dormitory, she tried to figure out the best way to approach Kreia but every idea she came up with had a negative outcome. Maybe I should just accept that there is no "best way." Being bound to someone who was so openly deceptive was something Aeryn could barely endure. Although she preferred the term "brutally honest," the Exile was frankly a terrible liar, and she'd learned early on that as painful as the truth could be, it always led to a better result – at least for her.
The problem with Kreia was that the harder Aeryn pushed, the farther away the old woman seemed to be. Most of the times she'd tried to force information out of her had ended in frustration, and the feeling seemed to be mutual. Time seemed to have strengthened their bond, giving Aeryn a stronger connection with the Force than she'd previously experienced, but she still wished almost desperately to sever the link. A part of her was beginning to believe that the bond had not been strong enough to kill them both back when she first discovered that the old woman had stolen the Ebon Hawk. Aeryn was still unsure whether or not she regretted holding back.
When she arrived at the dorm, Aeryn was surprised to find that the old woman was not in her usual place on the floor meditating, but instead sitting on the edge of one of the vacant bunks. Her only hand was outstretched over her lap, her fingers moving in slow deliberate motions as she used the Force to manipulate something. Aeryn edged closer quietly, trying not to disturb the crone's concentration, and realized Kreia's lap was filled with lightsaber parts.
"I took it from the Sith that nearly killed the fool," the old woman muttered without looking up in response to the question in Aeryn's mind.
"Oh, I see," Aeryn responded in what she hoped was an encouraging tone. The last thing she wanted was to start a pointless fight with her bond mate. "I didn't know I'd be disturbing you…it's just that…."
"You have questions. That is understandable. If you will practice one of your often neglected virtues, I would be pleased to give you my attention in a moment."
Aeryn smirked and lowered herself into a meditative position across the room from the old woman. "I'll be patient."
After several minutes, Aeryn's eyes drifted shut and her awareness expanded into peaceful oblivion. Meditation had been frustratingly difficult for her when she was a child, and it had very nearly kept her from being accepted as a padawan, yet in Kreia's presence it always came easily. Aeryn allowed her mind to drift through the ship, brushing the minds of each of her companions. The weight of the responsibility she bore often dragged her down, but for a moment it felt good to know she had people around her that she could trust, even if the idea of doing so made her nervous at times. For too long she'd forced herself to be separate from everyone and everything, and now it was past time to stop being selfish – too much was at stake to do otherwise.
Aeryn gasped and leaped to her feet as the hiss of a lightsaber brought her sharply back to herself. Kreia's countenance looked ghastly in the coppery glow from her freshly reconstructed lightsaber, but she seemed satisfied as she twisted the blade experimentally a few times. "It will serve my needs," she conceded.
"Nice color," Aeryn said doubtfully as the old woman deactivated the weapon and clipped it to her belt.
"It was either that, or red."
"Like I said, nice color."
"Indeed. You came with questions."
Aeryn frowned, suddenly a bit unsure, and stared at the floor for a moment as she phrased her words. "I…well, it's really only one question. I guess it'll probably lead to more, but…" she shook her head and told herself to stop babbling. "Why don't they sense the Force from me?"
"You mean your former Masters?"
"Yes. Atris and Master Kavar both directly said they could feel no connection to the Force from me, that I felt the same as I did when I was exiled. I'm not sure about Master Ell…he was…."
"Too accepting? Naïve?" Aeryn frowned and wanted to say something is Zez-Kai's defense, but couldn't find the words. "His mind was driven close to madness by the devastation on Kataar. He blames himself fully for the Jedi Civil War and nearly everything that followed."
"That is how he seemed to feel," Aeryn admitted sadly. "Unlike Atris and Kavar, he never even tried to sense my motivations…like it wasn't even worth the effort." Aeryn wondered if the aging Jedi Master had actually hoped she had come to kill him. After a heavy sigh, the Exile steered the conversation back on topic. "But my question remains: what's wrong with my connection to the Force?"
Kreia was silent and thoughtful for a long time, and Aeryn waited as patiently as she could, reminding herself repeatedly that getting irritated never got her answers. "When you worked among the true Sith," the old woman began slowly, "how did they perceive you?"
It took Aeryn a moment to understand what the crone was asking. "Uh…well…they described me as…nothing. If no one knew I was there, they would never be able to sense me, no matter how hard they tried, and if I was captured, my mind could never be broken. It was like…a void. That's why my Master valued me as an assassin – there was literally no risk on his part, at least from his point of view."
"Perhaps this…void, this scar as some might call it, that came from Malachor V is something that can never be healed. While the Force has come back to you, and with more strength than before, perhaps the fissure inside you will always be too large for it to fill."
Aeryn quietly mulled over the words. "I have to admit, Kreia, when Kavar said he couldn't sense the Force from me, I thought that maybe…you were…."
"You believed I was manipulating you into thinking you'd regained the Force, when in fact you were still a dead shell."
"Yes," Aeryn acknowledged, not really surprised that the old woman had known what she wanted to say.
A tight, bitter smile graced the old woman's lips for a moment. "As much as I might appreciate your overestimation of my powers, I assure you that is not the case. Your powers are your own, and while we strengthen one another through our bond, were it to be severed, your connection to the Force would remain."
Aeryn studied Kreia closely, and was relieved to see no sign of deception in the woman's mind or body language. Hoping this might be the first step toward finding a way to tolerating one another, Aeryn smiled a little. "Thank you for being honest with me."
"Whatever you may think of me, Exile, I assure you that I mean you no harm. You are the only hope we have and I would be a great fool indeed if I allowed you to be lost."
Frowning, Aeryn started to move toward the door as she responded. "While I don't know about 'only hope,' it's…comforting to hear you say that. Please excuse me now, I have some work to do and then some sleep to catch up on."
He could hear her cursing all the way down the hall. Bao-Dur set his tools aside and leaned out the garage door, indecisive for a moment, then quietly approached the cargo hold. Shaking his head, he watched Aeryn strain to move a crate that could easily have been three times her weight, amused at the way she never asked for help. Some things never change.
"Need a hand, General?"
With a sigh, she flipped around to rest her back against the crate and slid down to rest on the floor and catch her breath. "Just what the hell is in these things?"
"I think that particular one is supplies we 'confiscated' from Nar Shaddaa." He gave the cluttered room an appraising look. "There's a lot of junk in here…."
Aeryn groaned and pushed herself back to her feet, turning back to the heavy crate. "Revan was the packrat, not me. I'm going to have to go through all of this and dump what we can't use. I want this room as empty as possible."
"Why's that, General?"
Even with her back to him, Bao-Dur could sense the tension in her. After a long thoughtful moment, she responded, "Atton asked me to train him. To be a Jedi."
Bao-Dur's eyes showed surprise, but his response startled Aeryn more. "Then he beat me to it."
"He…actually asked me before we reached Onderon. I turned him away. And he nearly died because of me."
"General, you can't blame yourself for what happened. You couldn't have known…."
"Enough," Aeryn stopped him, her hands raised in frustration. "I've been selfish for too damned long, Bao, and I'm sick to death of excuses. I think going to Nar Shadda was the worst decision I ever made. It was the perfect excuse to ignore the real threat and cut myself off from the things I have to deal with." She started to pace. "All that time wasted trying to find out about the bounty, tracking down a Jedi Master who's all but lost his mind, shaking my ass for a Hutt, all while the galaxy's being consumed by the Sith and my own sister is out there putting her life on the line. No, I'm done with excuses."
Bao-Dur stayed silent a moment, deciding it was probably not the best time to ask her what had happened with the Hutt, then asked simply, "So what are you going to do about it?"
"I'm going to stop them." In her face he saw the same hard determination he'd seen only twice before: when the plans for the Mass Shadow Generator had been finalized, and when the weapon was used on Malachor V. "But I can't do it alone."
"It's good to hear you say that."
"You know me," Aeryn smirked. "It's not easy for me, Bao, but this is too important, too much is at stake. If you'll accept it, I want to train you as much as I can, Atton too, and Mira if she's willing." At Bao-Dur's frown, she grew a little nervous. "You don't think she'll want to?"
"I just…I'm not sure if she's ready, General. She was really afraid of what happened. Maybe it's better to just give her some space for a while."
Aeryn frowned at the floor a moment. "It can't hurt to offer. If she's not comfortable with the idea, I won't push her." With a tired sigh, she turned back to the task at hand. "I want to clear this room out…or at least organize it, so we can use it as a training room. It's going to take forever."
Bao-Dur's hand on her shoulder startled her, and she gave him a searching stare as he guided her toward the door. "You're exhausted, General. Go get some rest and I'll see what I can do in here."
"Well…at least let me help. This is a hell of a job…."
"No. If you're so concerned, then have T3 monitor the ship and send Atton to give me a hand, but you're going to rest."
Aeryn lifted an amused eyebrow at the Tech. "Since when do you give the orders around here?"
Canderous' gravely voice interrupted. "I don't take orders from you, and if you don't listen to him, I'll sedate you." He had abandoned his armor while aboard the ship, and the Mandalorian leaned against the wall outside the garage in only casual clothes. How long he'd been there, Aeryn couldn't be sure, but it was obviously long enough to overhear the bulk of their conversation. "Go rest. The Zabraak and I can take care of this."
Bao-Dur gave the other man a long, cold stare before nodding stiffly, and Aeryn was startled to see just how utterly similar the two were. Both were tall and powerfully built with a calm loyalty that practically radiated from them. Someday she hoped they too would see how alike they were.
"Fine," she relented. "But I'll send Atton to help too. He needs to get out of the cockpit once in a while."
The cockpit wasn't really large enough to move around too much, but Atton tried his best to use the limited space to stretch his tight, cramped muscles. Being unconscious for so long hadn't done his body much good, and that along with the residual pains he occasionally felt in his chest were making him very uncomfortable. Just admit it, Jaq, you're not as young as you used to be.
Standing straight, he used the wall to twist his back one direction, groaning in relief at the satisfying cracks that errupted. Twisting his upper body the other way, he found himself face to face with a frowning Aeryn.
"You're still in pain?" she asked as he stretched his arms over his head one last time before sitting back down.
"I'll live," he shrugged, then turned an unfathomable gaze back to her, "thanks to Kreia."
Aeryn ran her hand over her eyes, kicking herself for not just going to bed like Bao-Dur had insisted. "What did you want me to do Atton? Just let you die?"
"I…don't know," he admitted shortly, looking away uncomfortably. "Why the hell would she save me?"
"Maybe she's not what we think she is?" Aeryn couldn't hide a cringe and knew he saw it.
"You're a terrible liar, you know that right?"
"So I've been told."
"It makes no sense. She's threatened to kill me, and not some idle, 'I-don't-really-mean-it' kind of threat either, sweetheart. So…why? Why would she save me?"
"I don't know," Aeryn sighed, slumping down into the copilot's seat. "I'm trying not to think about it too hard. But I couldn't…" she swallowed hard and forced her expression to be neutral, "I couldn't just let you die. I'm sorry."
The scoundrel scowled. "I sound like an ingrate, but I've got that old feeling again…something bad is going to happen, and that witch is in the middle of it."
Aeryn's eyes went distant as she stared out at the stars. "She says she's trying to protect me…that I'm the only hope this galaxy has. I sure as hell hope she's wrong. Or at least exaggerating."
"Hey," Atton said as he caught her gaze, not liking the empty look in her eyes, "don't worry so much. These things have a way of working themselves out, right?"
"I guess we'll see either way," Aeryn muttered with an equal mix of bitterness and amusement in her tone as she rose and started toward the door. "There was a reason I came up here – Bao and Canderous could use some help in the cargo hold if you're feeling up for it. But if you're still…."
"No," Atton interrupted, surprised at his own eagerness to use his body for something other than sitting on his rear, "that's not a bad idea. What are they doing to the cargo hold?"
"Setting up our training area."
Atton stared at her blankly for a few seconds. "What?"
"In eleven hours, you and Bao-Dur will take your first steps toward learning to wield the Force." Shaking her head at the wide grin that split his face, she warned, "Don't look so smug, this isn't going to be easy. It was wrong for me to turn you away when you first asked. I nearly got you killed. It's not fair for me to put the rest of you at risk without preparing you as best I can to defend yourselves and each other, but this is going to be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. This training will take up every waking moment of your time, and more."
"I'm glad," Atton murmured with a smile as he stood and stepped close to her. As his hand slid to gently cradle her jaw, he said, "I'll do whatever it takes, Aeryn. I won't let you down."
Aeryn winced at the words and looked away, a sad regret set in her eyes as she stepped back from him. "There's something else. Whatever is…between us," she made a vague motion in the air between them, "it can't continue. It's a distraction, one that can be lethal for one or both of us. You and I know better than anyone else just how this enemy thinks. The risk is already high enough – I can't make it worse by…" she sighed and broke off for a moment. "I'm sorry."
Feeling tears stinging her eyes, Aeryn tried to leave, but Atton caught her hard by the elbow and forced her to meet his stormy gaze. "Is this what you want? What you really want?"
Aeryn shook her head, fighting down her frustration. "What I want doesn't matter. Every choice I ever made based on what I wanted always ended in pain. This is the way it needs to be. Maybe when this is over…later…" she shook her head helplessly, "but I just don't know…."
Atton ground his jaw and let go of her arm. "As you command, Master," he tried to joke, but his voice was cold. "You'd better go get some rest."
"I'm so sorry, Atton," she said softly, her eyes more blue than he'd ever remember seeing them, before she turned and headed toward her dorm.
Staring after her, Atton fought back the urge to punch the panel beside him and instead stalked off toward the cargo hold. She said maybe when this is over…later…but later has a bad habit of always coming too late.
After nearly ten hours of deep but dream-filled sleep and a scorching hot shower, Aeryn made her way toward the cargo hold. Her mind was consumed by random thoughts, and she knew she would need to meditate and get her thoughts organized before she tried to start training. A part of her thought she was crazy for believing she could do this. Wasn't there a reason I never took a padawan?
Mira's response to Aeryn's invitation to be trained had been a big discouragement for the Exile. She should have listened to Bao-Dur's advice and left the young woman alone for the time being, but what's done was done and Aeryn tried not to dwell on it.
Lost in thought, Aeryn wandered into the new training area and stopped in her tracks, her mouth falling open in surprise. "It's perfect," she breathed aloud, a small smile on her lips as she lowered herself onto the mat in the center of the room. With a sigh, she slid smoothly into her meditations, allowing the Force to carry her where it wanted.
Bao-Dur was the first to arrive, and he moved silently to the other side of the room and sat down facing her, careful not to disturb her. Pleased with his calm patience, Aeryn waited several minutes before coming back to herself and opening her eyes. "Thank you."
The Iridonian tilted his head curiously for a moment, and then nodded when he realized she was talking about the cargo hold. "It just needed a little organization, General. It didn't take us long."
"So," Atton interrupted as he strode into the room, slapping his hands together and rubbing them greedily, "where's my lightsaber?"
Aeryn rolled her eyes and rose to her feet. "All in good time - as soon as I'm confident you won't singe your eyebrows off. We have a lot to do before then."
"It's just us then, General?" Bao-Dur asked carefully.
Aeryn sighed and tried not to let her disappointment show. "Mira has…politely declined my offer to train her. So, yes, it's just you two."
"She'll come around, General, just give her some time."
"Unfortunately, time is the one thing we seem to be running short on," she replied. Turning toward the door, she greeted Visas with a small bow of her head as the Miraluka came to stand just behind her. Aeryn turned back to the men and explained, "Visas is going to help me train you. She balances out many of the things I lack and I think our combined efforts will give you a more rounded training than I can offer myself. There's a lot she knows that I just can't teach you."
Atton scowled and muttered, "Yeah, like how to Force-choke someone."
Aeryn's face turned hard as stone, and all traces of the Exile vanished as she began to fall back into her role as General. "That stops now. I could care less what you think of each other outside this room, but the moment you step in here all personal issues are dead. If you can't put them aside then you're wasting my time and you might as well leave now. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"
For once, Atton appeared to be speechless so Bao-Dur answered for the both of them, "Yes, General."
"Wonderful. The only way this can work is if we trust each other…" her face softened a little, "something I know all of us struggle with. As long as you give this your best, I swear I'll do the same. Who knows, we just might survive this mess."
Aeryn lowered herself cross-legged on the mat, and Visas did the same beside her as she motioned for the two men to do the same. "The first step is to open your minds to the Force," Aeryn explained. "It might be difficult for you since you're adults – Jedi are chosen when they're very young for many reasons, one of them being that their minds are more open. If it's hard in the beginning, be patient. Visas will help me lead you through this part."
The Miraluka took this as her cue. "Close your eyes," she instructed in her calm, smooth voice. "Breathe deeply. Listen to the beating of your heart…."
In the shadows outside the cargo hold door, Mira shook her head. Canderous startled her as he spoke from somewhere down the hall. "You should be in there too, kid."
"Are you kidding me?" she snapped back in Mando'a. "They're all nuts. How the hell did I get mixed up in this?"
The Mandalorian chuckled. "I think all of us wonder that at some point. In the end it doesn't matter how – it just matters that you are."
Crossing her arms stubbornly over her chest, Mira shook her head. "I didn't ask for this. I just wanted to get away…."
"You can't run forever, kid," Canderous said as he turned to walk away. "You can ask any person on this ship – not matter how far you run, destiny will always catch up with you."
Mira glared at his back. "Destiny," she scoffed.
"…stretch out with your feelings. The Force is everywhere, in all things, binding us…."
The huntress listened for a moment, and her scornful look turned to nervous apprehension as she glanced up and down the hall to make sure she was alone. Lowering herself on the floor in the hallway, she mimicked Aeryn's position and eventually let her eyes fall shut. Breathing slowly, Mira listened to Visas' voice.
"…let it guide your actions just as it listens to your will. Feel the Force around you."
A/N: I kind of feel I should tell everyone this before we get to Dantooine - the Disciple will not be in the story at all. I liked him in game, I thought he was cute (but I go for the smart, nerdy type it seems...) and added some good insight occasionally, but when I played through as a male character and found out he was a Repulic spy, my view of him changed I guess. Dantooine itself will be very different from the game, so him being ignored is just one change, but I wanted to warn you all in advance. Anyway, thanks for the reviews, and keep the feedback coming please. There might be a delay before the next chapter due to some real life stuff, but I'm feeling inspired, so maybe I'll pull a few late nights and get it done. :)
