I'm sorry I was so pissy last night and put up that author note, but to tell everyone the truth, I've been worried about my value as a person and as a writer for a while. In fact, not to manipulate anyone, my not getting reviews on stuff that people had marked as favorites and follows and seeing people on Tumblr with hundreds of notes on their work was one of the reasons I questioned if I should be living at all. About three weeks ago I slit my wrist after getting triggered by one of the spoilers and I just gave up on writing altogether.
Okay, so let's get to the next chapter.
Part 28
It stung still, knowing the pain that Blaine had been through and reading the exact words that his husband had written down, but in all honesty how could it not? Blaine had spent so much of his life attempting to give Kurt one of his own and he had suffered for this. Even now, now that Kurt was back with him, Blaine was continuing to suffer.
He had only read a dozen more of the entries, spaced over three hours, before he had given up. It was too painful to read, knowing Blaine's self judgments that lay around things that had happened to him. Yes, it definitely hurt too much.
So, for the final hour he had jotted down a huge list of the things that Blaine did and Blaine was that made him happy, that kept Kurt feeling alive and as if he were the luckiest man in the world to be married to such a heroic doctor. He had dozed off as he sat on a chair opposite Blaine. He had wanted to see his husband wake up, but the early morning hours had been too much to resist.
"Kurt? You okay honey?"
Kurt's eyes opened as he heard Blaine's voice and he raised his head with a weak smile. Rubbing his eyes slightly and shifting uncomfortably where he had fallen asleep he nodded. "I'm fine," he replied before standing as his hands hovered over Blaine's body, "How are you? Is your body feeling better? Do you need me to change anything?
Blaine looked down, his face turning into something of disgust and he closed his eyes as if pretending he wasn't there.
Kurt knew instantly what Blaine was thinking and rushed from the room to get one of the Depends from the bag. "Honeybee," he smiled as he tried out that pet name he had used a few times in the past, "You don't have to hide things like this from me. I know of your condition and I've accepted it," he slid the dirty diaper off of his husband before putting on a clean one. "I love you Blaine."
"Ku-Kurt," Blaine choked as he felt slight comfort in having something soft and dry under him, but the embarrassment and shame and self loathing that came from Kurt having to change him. Blaine was older than Kurt, they both knew the age difference, but Kurt had changed him like a baby and Blaine had to hate himself for that. "Don't feel you always ha-have to do that."
Kurt shook his head and walked up to where he could sit directly opposite his perfect husband and kissed his forehead. "You're amazing. I want to do this because I love you so much Honeybee,"
Blaine nodded, tears in his eyes and he bit his lip nervously as Kurt pulled a tissue from the box and handed it to Blaine so he could dry his eyes. "I just…I'm so scared that….that you know I failed you for years."
Kurt sat back and shook his head as he helped Blaine into a seated position on the bed, back resting against the wall. "You didn't fail me for years, you were working hard and holding onto hope of bringing me back, you didn't give up on me. Don't you see that I'm here now Blaine, I'm here flesh and blood, talking to you, loving you. Please don't ever feel that you failed me."
"I just…" Blaine sobbed and then nodded, "I love you so much."
"And I love you too," Kurt smiled as he grabbed his own 'Blaine' scrapbook that he had had in high school and just after, he was so glad that Blaine had saved it for him. He opened it and smelled the old book smell, that sense of classic aroma that made one feel classy and important. "So," he pointed to a picture of the two of them before Kurt had transferred to Dalton. He ran a finger over Blaine in his uniform and Kurt was wearing his blue jacket, a smile on his face and pain in his eyes. Blaine was giving a confident smile, but even though Kurt's body language showed attraction, Blaine's was a bit more…bare.
"Do you remember this?" he asked Blaine as the older man touched the page with the photograph. "Do you remember how you were the one person I managed to talk to when I was scared and upset and you would do things like take me out to dinner or to see a show or…or just spend time with me. We weren't even together and we definitely didn't know one another that well, but you made me feel happier than anyone else at that point of my life."
Blaine smiled fondly at the book, "Wasn't this…after you told me about…Karof—-" he saw Kurt shudder and shut his mouth. How could he forget that that gorilla football player was a trigger to Kurt? School type trauma was incredibly real and this person had not only stolen Kurt's first kiss, Blaine had had to settle with the second, but physically hurt him and threatened to kill him. The football player had been a constant threat to Kurt and Blaine didn't want to hurt his younger husband because of that.
Kurt nodded, "Yes it was, when you first came to McKinley even though we'd only known each other for less than a week. You know, when I was put into cryogenic sleep, I still had that text that you sent me 'courage', yes it was years old and I had changed my phone a few times, but that was the best text I have ever gotten and you had nothing that forced you to send it."
"I have it on a computer device," Blaine smiled, "I managed to back up your entire phone onto a chip, but you do realize why I sent that right?"
"To inspire me, to motivate me, to make sure I could make a good decision, yes it backfired a little, but I don't blame you for that." Kurt turned to the side and pressed another kiss to his husband's cheek.
Blaine nodded slowly, "I just wanted to make sure you felt loved and happy. I wanted to share some of my strength with you. I think I felt an attraction even at that point, but I was too afraid to make note of it. I'm very sorry it took me so long."
Kurt shook his head with another laugh, "Come on, if you hadn't spent so much time being absolutely certain about your feelings, I probably wouldn't have heard that amazing speech you gave when you told me you did love me. That was one of the first moments in my life I felt that happy and that safe and loved, because you were there trying to explain it, as cute as ever."
Blaine's smile finally matched Kurt's as he shook his head, "I wasn't that cute, I definitely wasn't as adorable as you."
"Well," Kurt teased, "I can't help it if I pull focus, sorry,"
Blaine laughed again, "Don't apologize, you were great."
The brunette turned to his bushy haired husband as he heard those words, he always knew that Blaine had a strong memory, but being able to remember words as simple as those and just that moment on stage meant a lot. Even after twenty five years, Blaine remembered this time. He remembered how he had told Kurt about how much he loved him and apologized for being too handsy.
Kurt remembered the absolute fear in his boyfriend's eyes, that deeply rooted insecurity, that terror that Kurt actually might not forgive him for what happened.
"You take my breath away and I'm so so proud to be with you," Kurt finally finished as he turned to another photograph and laughed. He must have skipped about six pages, but the picture he was looking at was so adorable. "Do you remember how I came to see you perform at the…Holiday Spectacular show after we had sung 'Baby It's Cold Outside' together? I love your little costume," he said noting on the colorful suit that they had made him wear. Green and white with red accents.
"That, if I'm remembering correctly," Blaine commented as he reached over to hold one of Kurt's hands and of course Kurt let him, squeezing Blaine's hand as a sign of affection, "was our first duet we sang together. It was me being an idiot as usual."
"Hey, don't talk about yourself that way mister," Kurt scolded, "Maybe it's because Dalton Academy was a private school, but you were the smartest student I had ever met, I saw your grades Blaine remember, you are so intelligent, you're just…really clueless about things sometimes."
"I do love you though, I'm glad I managed to figure that out…in the end," he said before looking at Kurt, "I know this is only the first one, but flip to the back for me, two pages from the end."
Kurt rolled his eyes jokingly before doing exactly that and a smile widened over his face as he looked at that picture. Kurt was wearing his blue suit and Blaine his yellow one, this was just after Blaine had proposed to him. Kurt tapped on the picture, a few stray tears appearing in his eyes, "That was…the second happiest day of my life," he told Blaine. "The only thing that beats it is our wedding, it was in this moment I thought everything in the world would be alright, because I was lucky enough to have someone like you. I love you so much, Blaine. I'm sorry if I never made that clear enough."
The doctor beamed down at the page, "I knew that, it's what kept me working on keeping you alive for so long."
Kurt nodded before wrapping his arms around the love of his life, "and it worked."
