Chapter 27:
Hurt

"I will let you down, I will make you hurt."

I'd managed to wash the LCL out of my hair, but little else. The scent of the mint shampoo was calming, but only slightly. I was still stuck in my plugsuit, but I'd managed to at least clean up. I had only a few minutes to get ready, and I had to be here for this.

Normally a pilot or staff member who was injured in the field would be first taken to a surface hospital, though Asuka's case was unique and required, at least I thought, more than what the surface hospital could provide.

The main benefit was that you could airlift somebody to the surface hospital without having to take them through the myriad elevators that crisscrossed the geofront proper. This meant that a wounded pilot or forward deployed technician could receive treatment as fast as possible, angelic contamination notwithstanding.

The heavy twin rotor helicopter hovered overhead as it made its final approach to the hospital's helipad. Misato was going to be on that helicopter, and a lot of other wounded people as well. We'd been told that much, and I could only hope, pray, that she was going to be alright.

It was allowing myself to believe this that let me keep going and keep from breaking down completely.

The helicopter started to settled onto the pad and the rotor wash blew my hair back, the sour taste that let me know I might be sick started to fill my mouth. It wouldn't be as bad as I thought, right? I hadn't changed anything. It would be the same. She'd sent the Apache, right?

The rotor pitch changed abruptly when the wheels touched down on the pad, they'd immediately started reducing power. They were going to shut it down, there was no other trip to make it seemed.

The ramp dropped with a whine and members of the hospital staff rushed up into the helicopter. In moments the wounded were being walked out, or carried on stretchers.

As each person passed by my fear grew, and I had yet to see Misato. I couldn't decide if that was good or bad, and I couldn't calm down in the slightest.

I felt the hand grip my shoulder and turned my head slightly. Captain Clark had come with me, either as support or due to a lack of trust in the Nerv authorities. In either case I was glad for his presence. It had as much of a calming effect as anything could have at that moment.

My left hand kept fidgeting, clenching into a fist and opening back up. I shook it to try to make myself stop.

And there she was. My heart felt like it stopped and started beating again. She stepped off the ramp under her own power, a slight limp but she'd had that since the fight over the pacific. She was okay. She was fine. I felt the tension fall away.

Left foot, right foot, left, right. I started walking, and then ran the rest of the way up to her. She turned and caught sight of me and froze, her expression turned cold.

What?

"Misat-" I started, nervous apprehension colored my voice, I felt ice in the pit of my stomach.

"Did you know?" She cut in abruptly. Her face was a mixture of hurt and hatred.

I was, in an instant, terrified. Terrified of what she might do, terrified she might know what I had done, what I'd failed to do. But how could she even suspect?

"Did you know?!" She yelled at me. I could see the tears forming in her eyes.

My mouth was dry, my eyes were watering, heart pounding. "I couldn't-"

Crack. The world spun and my cheek was on fire. I hit the ground with a thud and stared up into the sky. The inside of my mouth was bleeding, my ribs hurt from hitting the ground. Misato was crying, staring down at me, her hand still held out from where she'd hit me.

She knew that I knew. She knew that I knew and didn't tell her. She didn't know that I couldn't take the risk, I couldn't stand the thought of losing her.

Had I lost her?

I tried to blink back my tears, I saw Clark from the corner of my eye rushing to my side, I couldn't imagine what he thought of what just happened. I didn't know what I thought of it.

Other than that, perhaps, my life was over.

I pushed myself up to my knees but couldn't really bring myself to stand, not quite yet. More footsteps, Clark had his hand around my elbow. I saw movement behind Misato, a shorter figure. A girl, about my height, a little shorter. I recognized her. I'd seen that face before, in the mirror and on the projector.

"What are you doing here?" I choked out through my tears and pain. Of all the people who it could have been, it had to be Rose?

"I had to make sure she knew the things that she needed to know, the things that you were unwilling to tell her. I gave her the warning you refused to," she spat at me. Her own face mirrored the disgust that I'd seen on Misato's face before.

I clenched my fist so hard I heard the bones crack, felt my heart rate jump, my blood pressure spike. In that moment I could have died or exploded, or any point in between. My stomach was in a knot, my blood was boiling.

I jerked away from Clark's grip in a single fluid movement and pushed myself up onto my feet in a frantic lunge for the other girl, my teeth were bared, jaw clenched. "I'll fucking kill you!" I screamed as I swung my left fist for her face.

Scared little girl, seasoned fighter pilot, and terrified lover, the girl I'd been before, and the one that I was now, all screamed and cried in my mind. I was going to kill her, I'd tear her throat out with my bare teeth if I had to.

The wild swing connected with her raised arm, but she was an even match for me on a good day, and I was furious beyond compare. My punch pushed her block up against her head anyway, and I followed up with a jab from my right fist into her gut.

Her fist connected with the side of my head but I didn't care, it didn't matter. I didn't feel it. I kept pushing forward and drove her over onto her back and into the ground. I fell on top of her and slammed my head forward against hers.

I felt the fist connect with my nose and felt the blood start to rush out onto my lip. I didn't care, my chest was on fire, I felt the heat rushing through my body. I wanted blood and I was going to get it.

The blow that took me in the ribcage came by surprise. I lost my grip on my prey and rolled onto my back and bounced. I looked up to see that Misato was standing above me, between me and Rose. She'd stopped me?

"Don't you know how many people she's killed?! You're going to take her side? You're going to stop me? After what she did!? She tried to kill both of us! She tried to kill my father!" I screamed through my tears and blood. Betrayal begets betrayal? I was trying to protect her, and this was what I got?

Rose sat up and spit blood onto the concrete, her head jerked over to look at me. She'd expected the physical confrontation? Maybe. She shook her head at me and pushed herself back to her feet, "How many people have you killed? Through action or inaction. What do you think happened the night you lost your arm?"

I felt Clark pulling me back to my feet, and I let him. I looked between him, and the two woman, one of whom I thought loved me. Rose had ruined that. "So you're against me now? You're against me… after everything I did for you? Is that true Misato?"

"You kept important information from me, Rei. People have died because of this." She tried to keep her face stern, but she looked like she was as close to breaking down as I already was.

"So fucking what!? I couldn't know it would be the same! It wasn't supposed to be Asuka! I just wanted to make sure you were safe, I didn't want to change it, couldn't bear to see you die!" I screamed back. I couldn't take it, couldn't keep looking at her eyes, seeing that hurt.

I shoved Clark away from me and turned. The need to fight and kill had turned into a need to flee. I couldn't see her, couldn't let her see me. Not right now, maybe never again.

Left foot, right foot, left, right. I dropped my head and ran. I heard the yelling behind me, but I didn't care. Didn't care where I ended up, as long as it wasn't there.

The pavement gave way to gravel, which gave way to grass, and then pavement again. I didn't look where I was going, didn't care. I felt my heart pounding, felt my lungs burning, but I couldn't stop. Not after that, not after worry turned to relief and then terror. No.

xxx

Concrete turned back to grass, and to dirt, and to brush. I had no idea how long I'd been running, but my body didn't seem to need to stop any time soon. It was my second wind, my third wind. It could have been hours, or days. I didn't care, couldn't bring myself to really think about it any terms other than distance from my problems. Everything had gone so wrong, so fast. I didn't, couldn't, know how to fix any of it.

"Ayanami?"

I stopped in place, almost tripped over myself and shook my head. I was drenched in sweat, my plugsuit didn't exactly breathe so once I had the time to think about it, it felt slimy on my skin. My hair was matted down to my head and my stomach ached for food.

I blinked and turned towards the voice. The air was thick with the smell of foliage and… cooking food?

"Aida? How?" I blurted out, my brain not quite able to catch up with my mouth.

He tilted his head at me, "No, Ikari? Your hair is different. I camp out here sometimes, survival training, you know, if the power goes out for a long time or something," he explained. "Are you okay? What are you doing out here dressed like that?"

I shook my head, "I… I made a mistake. I don't want to talk about it."