« Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find

I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind

Whatever happened to our love?

I wish I understood

It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me

S. O. S.

The love you gave me, nothing else can save me

S. O. S.

When you're gone

How can I even try to go on?

When you're gone

Though I try how can I carry on? »


I discreetly yawn. When you're tired and you're a teacher, it's so difficult to do your job properly.

Every little noise, every little remark is making you jump, especially at the end of the year, when kids are really excited at the idea of holidays coming. I'm not even doing a proper lesson, there's no point in even trying when there's one week left, so I've decided like almost every teacher to make them watch a movie and try to keep them calm.

My choice wasn't definitely the best, I guess Baz Lurhmann's Romeo and Juliet is a bit too much for them, even with Leo di Caprio in it. I mean, even those silly girls seem not interested in this. When I was their age, I could have stayed quiet for hours watching him acting.

"Mary, please, keep quiet, you're disturbing everyone. You know your friends want to watch the movie in peace."

She pouts. "Miss, it's boring. It's an old movie."

Oh, thanks for making me older than I am, I think. "Well, I thought that at least you would appreciate the actor."

Another girl shouts. "But miss, he's old now. He's not even sexy," she sneers.

I sigh. Damned teenagers, they are never happy.

"Okay, guys. Let's make a deal. If you keep quiet until the end of the period, for our last day on Friday, I'll let you watch a movie of your choice, okay? Which one would you like?"

And the same name comes again and again from girls as well as from boys. Shadowhunters. Jace's last movie. In which he's almost naked for most of the time. I won't survive this.

"Are you sure about this ? Maybe something else ?"

"No miss, we want this," retorts Mary. "Jace Wayland is so sexy. It seems he's even naked the whole time. What would I give to be in his bed," she chuckles.

I need a lot to be shocked but I definitely am by her words. Shocked by hearing this in a 17 year old girl's mouth. I must admit I'm even a bit jealous when I think that a lot of girls or women must have the same thoughts about him. Even if he promised me I would be the only one, we're just friends. Why wouldn't he give in to the all the attention he has from beautiful women around him?"

"Ssssh sssssh. That's okay for Friday, we will Watch Shadowhunters. Now, let's keep quiet for the last twenty minutes please."

While they're trying to look interested in the movie, I'm discreetly typing on my phone.

They asked me to watch your movie for last day of school. Should I tell them okay? ~ C

I don't have to wait long for the answer and I smile.

Of course you say yes. Who could they possibly do more interesting that watching me for two hours ? And you'll see me half naked for two hours too Darling. ~ J

That's what my students told me. As well as the fact that most of them want to be in your bed. Shocking ~ C

Why shocking? My bed is comfortable, you know that. It's wide enough for all of them. ~ J

Even if he wrote that to be funny, it kind of confirms all my fears. He's a player. He's got a lot of attention. Why would he keep himself from enjoying this ? I don't know how to answer that so I put my phone back into my bag and wait for the period to finish.

I'm soon saved by the bell. There's not point in trying to make them leave in silence so I'm just putting my books back on the desk.

"Clary, what are you doing tonight ? I thought we could go out for a drink," Maia says, going into the classroom.

I really need this but I have already something planned sadly. "I would have loved that but Sebastian is taking me out tonight."

"Oh really?"

"Don't give me that look, I know what you're thinking," I reply when I see her lifting an eyebrow and smirking.

"I'm not thinking anything at all, I'm just a bit surprised at this sudden turnaround. Last time I saw you together was at his birthday and you were pretty upset. I haven't asked how you two were doing since that but don't think I haven't noticed your frequent trips to London recently."

"I know. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do with my life, really. I guess I deserve this situation."

She comes to sit on my desk while I'm putting everything in order in my bag.

"Are you still seeing Jace?"

I sigh. "More than I have planned to. At first, it was gonna be a few times when we had the opportunity to see each other. But I've been more to England in these past weeks than before."

She asks, a bit embarrassed. "But it's still that .. hum.. friends with benefits thing?"

"Oh yeah. Definitely friends and definitely with benefits," I nervously laugh, my cheeks slightly red.

"And with Sebastian? What are you doing ?"

"Well, he's been away a lot for his work so it's mainly like we live together and not more than that. He told me he was aware he was not at home a lot and we haven't had time together recently, that's basically why he's taking me out today. But if I want to be honest, I didn't even notice he was away a lot. Because all my thoughts are occupied by Jace, and I go to see him every time I can without arising suspicions."

Her face gets all serious and the second she speaks, I know which question she's gonna ask.

"Clary, honestly. Do you still love Sebastian?"

I've often thought about this. We've been together for so long and until a few months ago, I thought I was passionately in love with him. But the more I think about this, the more I know that what I feel for him is a strong bond, deep feelings of affection but definitely not mad love. I can say I love him but I'm not definitely in love with him anymore.

In front of my lack of answer, Maia asks another question. "Okay, that's what I thought. And are you in love with Jace?"

My answer flies fast. "I can't fall in love with him, Maia."

"I'm not asking you if you can, I'm asking if you are in love with him. That's different," she explains, stroking my arm with affection.

I sit down. I have to be honest just for once. Maybe to say it out loud to someone else will show me how ridiculous it is. I sit down, lifting my face towards her and I know she immediately notices the tears starting to appear.

"Yes. I love him. I think I've fallen for him since the beginning. And as much as it was easy to refrain this when I only saw Wayland the actor, it's nearly impossible since Jace has entered my life. But you know nothing's possible. My life is a mess, he doesn't do relationships and I'm way too old for him!" I nervously explain.

She sits besides me and tries to comfort me. "Okay, first, you have to breath. Surely your life is a mess but you're the only one that can put that in order. If you aren't in love anymore with Sebastian, just speak to him. See if there's something to save and try to do it or leave him. That's not an healthy relationship and you can't live with this guilt forever. Then, open your heart to Jace. He may not want to get involved now, or maybe it's because you're not free. You won't know if you don't ask."

I protest. "But he told me his rules. He really doesn't want to start something with someone, Maia."

She laughs. "Yes, his rules. Is he following them right now with you? No. That's why you have to be honest with him. If you want to stay in that friends with benefits kind of thing, that's okay. But I know that's not what you want. I've known you for a short time but I know you can't pretend, Clary. When you're happy, you want to shout it to the world, when you're angry, you want to get revenge on those who hurt you, when you're sad, you cry rivers. You can't be satisfied with this if you love him, so be honest with your feelings and with him. Maybe he doesn't know for the moment that he wants something with you, just give him the occasion to realise it. And last, stop with your age girl. Really, you're not old! How old is he ?"

"27, almost 28."

"So you're just a few years ahead, you're not 20 years older. When you're in your thirties, it doesn't count anymore."

"Maybe you're right," I shyly answer. "It's just I'm so insecure when it comes to Jace. I mean, see the girls he could have.. what is he doing with me ?"

"He's exclusive with you right now or not ?"

"He said yes but I can't believe him, especially when he throws things like that." I take my phone to show her his previous texts and then, I realise I have dozens of texts and missed calls from him in the last hour.

Clary, are u still there ~ J

It was a joke Darling ~ J

I'm sorry if I did something wrong, call me ~ J

Clary, I'm worried ~ J

Pick up your phone, I need to hear you ~ J

I show all the texts to Maia. A smile spreads on her face when she reads them.

"He sounds sorry, Clary. And definitely exclusive. Don't feel insecure, I'm sure he was saying the truth when he told you you will be the only one. Call him or text him. Don't finish the day on this."

She's right. I quickly type a short text saying I'm okay and I'd call him later if I can.

His answer doesn't take more than two minutes to arrive. It's a short video. Putting the phone on the desk so that Maia can see too, I press play. Immediately, a view of his bedroom appears, slowly focusing on his bed. And then his gorgeous face, smiling in an apology as he is reassuring me, "It may be big enough for more people but you're the only one in it, Clary. Call me later, Darling."

Maia winks at me. "See, there's no need to be worried. I'm sure he's sincere."


"So guys, where are you going for holidays?" Izzie asks, pouring wine to everyone.

When Sebastian told me earlier about going out, I have imagined it would be together, certainly not with Izzie and Simon. I adore them but that's not the idea I have of a date.

"Hum, nowhere I guess," I realise. I've been so monopolised by Jace these last weeks that I completely forgot to book our holidays.

Sebastian's head snaps towards me. "What do you mean by nowhere? We're leaving in three weeks."

"Unless you've booked something, no we're not, because I totally forgot to do it this year."

He shoots back with anger, smashing his fork on the table. "How could you ? You had only this to think. Great job Clary. Now how are we gonna to find a booking? Perfect."

I stare at him, troubled. He's never talked to me like that, with such disdain in his voice ,and especially not in public.

"What do you mean by I have only this to think?"

He laughs bitterly. "Oh come on Clary, you're just a teacher, you have lots of free time after school days, and no kids at home to take care. You have plenty of time to think about things like that."

His remarks are stinging. Until then, he's never made me feel like inferior to him, professionally speaking. It's true that my wages as a teacher are not as important as his, and that my job isn't that prestigious. But I love what I do and won't ever consider to change for something else. When I meet Sebastian, he had no plan for his future so I found him a renowned school and encouraged him to study.

"That's petty, Verlac. Even for you. Maybe if you didn't rely on me for everything, you would have realised too that nothing was booked. So fuck off."

A cold silence descends upon the table, maybe colder than Sebastian's eyes. No one is speaking, and Izzy and Simon exchange embarrassed looks.

"If you'll excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom," I state, putting my napkin next to my plate, and leaving the table.

I'm almost crying with anger when I open the door of the bathroom. How did he dare to make me that kind of reproachs? He is the one always letting me organise everything, the one always away for work, or coming home late. The more I spend time with Jace, the less I'm satisfied with my life. I know this was going to happen eventually.

I hear the door open behind me. I quickly swipe off the tears I have in my eyes.

"Clary, are you okay hun?"

"I'm okay Izzy, I just need some time."

"Do you want me to leave you alone ?"

I sigh. I'm feeling guilty towards Sebastian but also towards her. She's one of my best friends but I have been lying to her for weeks now.

"No, that's okay. Stay."

She comes next to me and puts her hand on my shoulder, in a comforting way. As soon as I see her face, I burst into tears. She immediately puts me into a friendly hug.

"Oh Clary, don't cry. What's just happened there? You know you can tell me everything."

At her words, my tears change into big sobs. If she knew...

"Is there something with Seb? You two seem so distant tonight and I think it's the first time I've seen you fighting like this."

"It's not like it used to be Izzy. I don't know, these past weeks, he's never there. When he's there, he's tired."

"I know."

My head snap in her direction. "How?"

She admits sheepishly. "He may have talked to Simon about this. That there's something happening between you both. That you've been distant with him since his birthday, so he prefers to bury himself into work."

Her words remind me immediately when all began. That night when I realised Sebastian and I didn't want the same thing anymore, that night when I accepted Jace's proposition that has been changing my life so far.

"It's what he said that night? About giving him a child right ? I saw you were upset when he said this."

I nod. I didn't realise she noticed that night. « Yes. We agreed a long time ago it wasn't in the plan in our immediate future. I was upset because he made me feel stupid in front of everyone. And above all, because I can't give him what he wants. I don't want to give him what he wants. I'm not sure we have a future together anymore."

"What don't you talk with him about that? It's better that to fight and stay both with your questions. And to be honest Clary, from what he said to Simon, I think he suspects you of having an affair."

I shout, puzzled, "What?"

"Yes, he's not there a lot but he accuses you of the same thing. He thinks that your many trips to England are just an excuse. That maybe you're seeing someone else instead of going abroad."

I stay silent, unable to utter a single word. Did I do something to make him think this? Even if I'm sure I'm being cautious enough with Jace, I might have said or done something to let him know I was being unfaithful. I Internally cringe at this word and yet, that's what I am. Could it be the right moment to be honest with everyone and put an end to this masquerade, starting with Izzy?

She strokes my arm, smiling gently at me. "Don't worry Clary, I know you're incapable of such a thing, Simon does too. That's what he said to your husband. But you'll both have to talk if you want to clear everything and save your marriage. It can't be over like this, you too are such a model couple!"

Well, maybe not.


author's note : lyrics courtesy of Abba.

Someone said angst ? Angst is coming. What do you think of all this ?