A/N - First of all thank you so much to all of you who let me know you're still interested in my story! Really, big hugs to you all! It was really nice to hear after so much time has passed. Not a hundred percent sure when I have the next chapter ready but I will be trying my hardest to maintain a schedule of updating at least once a week. Thanks again!

Chapter 29

I hate waiting.

It sucks.

Everything about this whole situation sucks, actually.

If I thought I felt useless and helpless before, it is nothing compared to how I'm feeling now.

I know I couldn't even do anything to help my dad even if I wanted to, but that doesn't stop me for wishing that I could. It's beyond logic and reason and yet I can't stop myself from feeling that way. Instead, I'm stuck in this tiny, very impersonal room with nothing to do but wait.

Ugh.

I'm frustrated beyond belief.

And scared.

And freaked out.

And nervous.

And filled with a lot of anxiety.

I'm actually experiencing so many things at once that what I'm going through is nearly impossible to describe or articulate.

Of course, I'm not what I should be focused on.

This is about my dad.

And my mother.

And everyone else.

And making sure that we all get through this, whatever 'this' turns out to be.

Not an easy task, but one I hope I'm up for. Especially with the love and support of the most amazing woman that I'm lucky enough to be in love with and who loves me back. Ashley has been everything I've needed her to be and she's done it all without missing a beat.

Anything that could be handled by her, she's done an amazing job of. Clay has been found, Aiden has been called and she's made sure there's been an ample supply of coffee and food for all of us in the waiting room. Not that any of us are eating, mind you, but it is the thought that counts.

I never knew time could go so slowly and yet feel like it's moving at a lightning speed all at once. I don't know if I should be thinking that no news is good news. Or whether I should start to worry that the longer we go without an update on my dad's condition, the worse the outcome will be.

My dad wasn't conscious when my mom got those few moments to see him. She didn't say much when she joined us afterwards but I think a big part of her was relieved to get the chance to be with him before the surgery began.

Oh god!

My dad's in surgery!

He had a heart attack!

Oh god!

This is actually happening!

It's not a nightmare!

I won't be waking up anytime soon!

I don't know how it's possible to go from completely numb, to stark reality to avoiding thinking about what could happen to going numb again.

It feels like years ago that I was in my house laughing and making a mess with Ashley and Kyla.

Not hours.

How is that even possible?

We've all tried giving my mom as much support as we can. I know she appreciates it, but I think she's just trying to get through this waiting like we all are. The man she loves the most in the world is fighting for his life and there's nothing she can do about it.

If I feel helpless, I can't even imagine what she's going through.

She's trying to be strong for us.

It's not easy though.

And she doesn't need to be.

She left a few minutes ago to go for a bit of a walk. I didn't want her to go, but I'm not about to tell her how to handle the stress of this awful waiting game we're all playing.

None of us have really spoken since she left and the quiet is both welcoming and hard to handle.

I'm leaning into Ashley, with my eyes closed. She's running her fingers through my hair and then every once in a while she places a kiss on my head. Describing what she's doing as comforting doesn't even do justice to how much she's helping me.

I assume the same goes for Jessie with Melissa.

And then there's Glen.

Still alone.

Aiden hasn't shown up, but I'm almost certain he will.

I've tried a few times to engage Glen in a conversation or give him a hug, but I've been met with a lot of resistance and mostly silence from him. I can only guess how lonely he's feeling on top of everything else that he's going through. My brother is known for shutting down versus reaching out for help and I guess now is no different.

I wish I knew what I could do to help him.

I wish a lot of things.

"I can't sit here anymore," Glen announces without warning. My eyes open and I can see that he has the attention of all four of us. "I just can't!" He gets up to leave and he's gone before anyone can stop him.

I let out a loud sigh.

"I can go after him," Ashley offers sweetly.

I sigh again, "No, I'll go." I squeeze Ashley's hand to let her know how much I appreciate her thoughtfulness. "Let me know if you hear anything; I'll have my phone with me."

"Of course," Ashley assures me. She doesn't let me go before she gives me a warm embrace.

I look over at Jessie and Melissa and can tell how worried they both are. Not just for my dad, but for Glen, too. I try to show them how confident I am that I can solve this problem even though I have no idea how to reach my brother.

I'm a few steps out of the waiting room when I spot Glen down the all pacing back and forth. He appears to be coming undone and I'm not sure what to do. My dad might know, but he's not here. Neither is my mom, so that leaves me to figure things out on my own.

"Glen..." I start cautiously as I approach my brother.

I guess I'm going to have to improvise.

So far, I have nothing.

"Save it, Spencer," Glen cuts in and the expression of anger on his face stops me in my tracks.

I've never seen him like this.

I want more than anything to take away the hurt he's feeling.

I know he's not mad at me.

That's he's just reacting to this whole messed up situation.

But that doesn't stop me from being unsure of what to do next.

"I can't just sit around doing nothing," Glen continues, each word coming out of his mouth laced with more venom than the last. "I can't!"

He's face is starting to turn red and his movements a bit more manic.

I can understand why he's angry.

I'm angry too.

But now is not the time for that anger to come out.

How do I solve a problem like Glen?

I'm fresh out of ideas.

Glen's face suddenly changes from anger, to surprise, back to anger and then to goes to an emotion I cannot figure out.

He's not even looking at me anymore, but past me, so I turn around to find out what caught his attention.

Aiden.

He's finally arrived at the hospital.

No words are exchanged between the two exes.

They enter this kind of weird stand off and once again I'm left feeling like I should be doing something, but not knowing what that something is.

Glen's face starts to soften, his eyes start to tear up and my heart aches for him.

Aiden takes a few long strides towards my brother and gets there right as Glen breaks down in his arms. It's a wrenching scene that my presence is no longer needed in. I leave Glen knowing that Aiden will be there for him and now my thoughts can focus on my mother.

I have a pretty good idea of where she went. I think now would be a good time to go and check on her. I exchange a few messages with Ashley to let her know where I'm headed and then I'm off.


After I open the door to the hospital chapel it doesn't take me long to spot my mom sitting alone in the front by herself.

"Hey, Mom," I say as I take a seat beside her. My mom turns her head and gives me the saddest of looks. "I hope you're ok with me being here," I cover my mom's hand with my own, "I don't want to intrude..."

"You're not intruding," my mom assures me before I can finish what I was going to say. "How are you doing?"

That's not the question that needs to be asked.

What I'm going through isn't what the focus of this conversation needs to be.

Honestly, I want to answer her though. I want to unload every thought, every fear, every bit of anxiety I've experienced. I want so much to let go and let my mom be the one to keep me together.

Keep me from losing my shit.

Keep me sane.

I can't do that.

I won't do that.

No matter how much I want to.

"How are you doing?" I repeat back to her.

She shrugs her shoulders and tries to smile, "As good as can be expected." She puts her head on my shoulder like she did in the emergency room and it takes a lot on my part not to cry. I can't ever remember seeing my mom like this and it scares me.

"He'll be ok, you know," I say even though I have no clue what is about to happen. "He's too stubborn not to make it." I feel my mom nodding in agreement but she doesn't say anything. "You always said I get my stubbornness from him."

"That's true," my mom agrees. I'm almost certain I hear the faintest of chuckles coming from her.

The conversation stops as neither one of us seem all that keen to talk right now.

"We had a fight this morning," my mom announces out of the blue, causing my stomach to drop. I have a strong suspicion I'm not going to like where this is headed. "The biggest one we've ever had."

Her voice cracks as my chest tightens. I really don't want to be hearing this, but I keep quiet. The only thing I do is give her hand another squeeze as a sign of encouragement.

Her head moves from my shoulder and that's when I can see that she's started to cry. Tears are falling from her eyes and I'd give anything right about now to take the pain she's experiencing away. "It was awful. I told him..."

"You don't have to do this," I tell my mom despite me feeling the complete opposite. It just seems that's something I should say and I don't know why.

She starts to shake her head slowly as the tears continue to flow. "I tried so many times to talk to your father about how much he was working, but nothing ever changed. I didn't know what else to do."

"It's ok," I reply. "He'll be ok."

"What if he's not?" My mom asks her crying intensifying. "The last thing I said to him before he left for this office this morning was that I wanted a trial separation."

Oh god!

What?

Oh god!

How did I not know how bad things were between them?

Oh god!

I have to hold back a gasp because I don't want to upset my mom even more than she is already.

I can't process this.

I don't have a clue how to process this.

We're talking about my parents here.

I never saw this coming!

I should have seen this coming!

Oh god!

A separation!

My parents?

I feel physically sick but I make sure to hide my pain as best as I can.

I should have pushed more.

Both of them.

I think it's clear that I should have done a lot of things the last few months, but didn't.

"You should have seen his face when I said that," My mom continues, oblivious to the inner turmoil her news has set off inside my head.

I don't blame her for telling me.

I just wish I could have helped more.

"He looked devastated," she whispers. "I bet you that's the reason..."

"Don't!" I interject before my mom can finish. "This isn't your fault." Thankfully I'm not too far in my mind that I'm able to form words. "None of this is your fault."

I'm starting to feel a little bit like it's mine.

I could have stepped in.

Found out exactly how bad things were and knocked some sense into my dad.

"I love him so much," my mom cries, "I just want the chance to tell him that again."

There's a huge lump forming in my throat.

The raw emotion my mother feeling is too much.

All of this is heartbreaking.

And totally unnecessary.

No job, no amount of money, is worth his life.

Oh god!

How did everything get so fucked up?

"He knows that," I assure my mom. I'm not just trying to make her feel better. I've never doubted how my parents feel about each other. "And you'll get your chance to say those words to him the second he wakes up from his surgery."

"I don't know, Spence," my mom replies solemnly. "I just don't know."

It's a good thing I'm not looking to my mom to make me feel better because right now I think I'm at my lowest point since finding out about my dad. I realize this isn't about me, but that doesn't stop the weight I feel on my shoulders and chest from increasing.

This is the lowest I've probably ever been and I suddenly feel all alone.

I keep trying to comfort my mother and eventually her tears subside. I'm thankful even though I don't know how long she'll be able to stay calm.

Please god!

Please let him be ok!

Please help my mom!

I repeat those three things over and over again, hoping that they're making some sort of difference.

I'm so engrossed in my silent prayers that I don't notice Ashley joining my mom and me. She doesn't sit beside me. Instead she sits on the other side of my mom and takes her hand.

"I thought Mr. C. could use the extra prayers right now," she explains, making my heart ache and swell with love and pride simultaneously.

Ashley and God have a funny relationship.

And by that I mean she doesn't really have one with him.

But I know why she's here.

For me.

For my dad.

For my mom.

I'm simply in awe by how amazing she's been since I got that awful call. It's not that I doubted Ashley's ability to handle a crisis but she's surpassed every expectation on what kind of partner I wanted in my life.

"I hope you don't mind," Ashley finishes, her voice soft and full of compassion.

My mom gives Ashley a genuine smile because I think she realizes as well why Ashley is making the effort that she is. "Absolutely not."

After my mom closes her eyes, I look over at Ashley and mouth "I love you" to her because I really need her to know that.

"I love you too," Ashley mouths back making me feel the tiniest bit better.

Then the gravity of the situation creeps back in my head.

We're still possibly hours away from news on my dad.

And the waiting begins again.


I'm back in that awful room with everyone.

My head perks up when I notice the door opening.

Oh god!

This is it!

My dad's surgeon is about to give us news.

Oh god!

The tension in the room increases exponentially when the rest of our group realizes what is about to happen.

Oh god!

Is it a prerequisite that all doctors have unreadable faces?

Oh god!

I can't tell if we're about to get news that brings elation or shatters our world.

Oh god!

I'm holding onto Ashley so hard I'm probably hurting her but she doesn't protest or tell me to relax.

Oh god!

We stand up and I make sure that near my mom so I can be there no matter what the doctor says.

Every nerve of mine is frayed, but taking a page from the surgeon I mask that as best as possible.

He starts to talk, but my world remains silent.

Oh god!

I can't make out what he's saying!

Oh god!

And just like before only fragments of his sentences are filtering their way to my brain.

Complications…

Critical…

Longer than we thought…

Oh god!

I start to tremble.

Lucky…

Wait.

What?

All of a sudden my ears pop and sounds comes rushing back faster than I can process it.

But I do hear the words "expect him to make a full recovery."

Nothing else matters.

Oh god!

Full recovery.

The room explodes with relief and happiness.

And for the first time in hours I'm able to breathe.