Chapter 29

When the moment of truth comes you are told and forced to stay away, but your mind takes it on as a challenge. You have no defence mechanism to not stay around it does not even seem a plausible action, you must ring them just to see if their sleeping, if they are sleeping are they dreaming of you, the most ridiculous and over dramatic state of mind kicks in and at the time you believe it. You cant believe that they once picked you even though the darkness is overcast you go into denial thinking it is all okay as your memories tell you so. You walk aimlessly around with no direction, personifying everything you see, glaring at the trees as they snigger at you and mischievously dance in the wind. You know then it must have been love, the light makes you lose your sight and there is no visible route in view, until the love is restored you are frozen in a space in time you cannot fast-forward only replay in your mind. You wander deeper into your sub conscious, pass where the angels sleep knowing your playing with danger and heartbreak but your heart wants to go to the beat. The unknown already ran its course but you want to know the implications. You hear their voice, you remember back to what it felt like to hold them, through their eyes you see yourself and you beg to send them the message of wherever you will go you will take them with you.

Jen knew the panic Tilly was going through, she had after all been there too, she had to let her run, she just had to make sure she would awake when she heard the call. She would love to tell Tilly she was running too, that she was running for her soul, keeping her pace incase she fell. She could see her in front of her but she no longer could hear her, its just the hesitate, she just hoped it would not be the nightmare of where she looked her in the eye and deliver her broken promise of never saying goodbye. She knew that things would change between them but she promised never to go away. Jen bowed her head she didn't want the girl to think she was all alone, all she wanted to do was hold her hand, raise her chin and tell her eyes to open again. Tilly's mind had managed to run far away but the love the teacher had would find her, it was something that was permanent. She wanted to take the girls place, this was a panic moment but it felt like living the rest of your life in hell and she wanted so much to help the teen, let her innocent and precious mind stay.

The teachers eyes searched in the silence seeking desperately for answers but Tilly was not throwing anything her way to work with, she wanted to shake her, throw something just to anger her into calling her name or anything. The necklace in her hand was the only thing keeping them connected as both sets of dreary eyes laid upon it. Jen lifted her hand slightly gesturing whether Tilly wanted it back or would she be left standing with the sentiment and memories they shared alone. She did not want the necklace to wear as a collection of a jar of despair, a bottle containing moments which made her complete, but she could not let it out of her hands to be thrown away.

The look Tilly portrayed baffled Jen as it was still, she was as rigid as a statue, until now she didn't believe the theory that she might have to actually walk away not to see the woman she loved anymore, how could her mind have led her here. Jen did not want to remind the teen that they made a promise never to walk away, but she could not just sit there and watch them both fall. She hated the idea of Tilly's childishness, did she have anything to say, she could not just be a hollow shell and pretend she didn't care or love her at all. She was becoming impatient in the anticipation, this was far too long of a time space to decide whether she needed a break or to walk away, it was killing Jen to know what was in Tilly's mind. "You have to speak, say something, anything" Jen's tone brought Tilly back and she looked into the teachers eyes, they both sat adjacent on the arms of the bench looking to each other, they were so far apart but knew something was holding them close. "I don't even know what to say Jen" Tilly replied and looked down to her hands, it was this moment Jen was asking for her too look deep and ask herself how deep was this love and was she willing to fight for them.

If she could push through the uncertainty and the fear she would come out the other side where Jen was, still alive and completely in the bliss of love. But if the teen could not hold onto her now she would never be able to hold her again, her mind would banish it and she would believe it to be the only way, she needed to fight. Tilly was focusing on Jen's hands she was watching them as the necklace sat in her palm as her thumb delicately ran over the bottle, the teen was half expecting a genie to pop out but it seemed to be sparking something inside of her, she could see a faint hint of light and it was dragging her in like a firefly. She was not loosing this title of being Jen's lover, she loved her and the thought of her not being enough or becoming too attached was slipping slightly, she had finally managed to trace the pieces and fill in the blanks causing her distress, she smiled a little as she watched and felt her eyes properly align with what she was seeing all along. She was still scared and nervous but surely this was a feeling she could feel with the teacher, as she had been introduced to so many new feelings that Jen had given her.

She walked her way up from the teachers hands to her arms, she could feel herself in them and a happy tear ran down her cheek, she heard a sniff come from Jen and her eyes took a moment as she breathed in and looked up to meet her stare. "Why the tear my angel" Jen asked obviously upset for the teen, "I was looking at your arms, I know I fit in them" Tilly replied and rolled her eyes, she knew this was soppy but it was just them, no one else was ever involved this was always just them for each other. Jen's face eased a little as she realised this may not be the complete heartbreak she thought, "These arms miss you, even when you wander away from them, I will always pull you back into them Tilly. I don't even think I could let you go" the teacher smiled. The cold was beginning to warm up between them and they shared a heart warming smile allowing the love to circulate back through the empty veins and hit their hearts.

The moment was moving, it moved them both back into each other and the bench held them in unison as Tilly's cheeks flushed a little as she felt a little stupid for causing such a scene, "Im sorry Jen, I flipped out. I didn't mean to worry you" the teen apologised. "Tilly it is fine, honestly. Things happen we don't always know why but it was obviously something you needed to address and work out babe. Yes I was, still am worried but not as much as I was when I saw this" Jen held up the necklace and the teens face turned defensive and upset "Jen I did not leave it or throw it intentionally, nothing like that. I was holding it and I must have put it down and I left. that's why I came back to find it" she pleaded for the teacher to believe her she felt bare without it on already. Jen's smile was a little less painful now, she held out her hand with the necklace dangling through her fingers, she wanted the teen to take it from her, she wanted to feel the touch and the proof that she really was ready to take in the teachers promises. Tilly smirked and leant in and hooked the necklace over her own finger, she had to unwind it a little around Jen's finger and the action completed the spark they both needed. Tilly tied the clasp on the back of her neck and held the bottle in her clenched fist looking down to it, she would never let it go again, or Jen.

Jen let out a yawn and it reminded Tilly that she had been out all afternoon and evening, she looked around and took in the pitch black sky and stars. She smiled up and Jen followed her gaze, "There so pretty aren't they" Tilly commented, "Yeah my mother always used to tell me when my father died that each star is someone lost. They remain in the sky hidden in the day when the light shines upon you but in the nights when you feel alone and dwell it is then the stars will shine bright, its then when they look over you" Jen turned her head and caught the teens glazed over eyes and she offered a smile. It was a theory she had carried since the moment her mother had told her, she was not particularly religious and this was something to believe in based off something real, she felt real feelings for these people who she had felt love from, her own faith.

Jen jumped off the arm of the bench and walked around leaning her arms along the back of the wooden frame as she looked over to the teen, who looked peaceful. "So shall we make a move and get you home, im sure your parents will be a little worried if the girls have been ringing all evening" Jen smiled as she spoke she didn't want the girl to feel any more pressure. The teen looked to her mobile and sighed, "I have a couple of missed calls off the girls but I have 3 from home and an answer phone I think your right" the teen replied her eyebrows furrowed and her look was sad, know she was back on track with the teacher she didn't want to leave her. She wanted a night to just hold onto what she ran so hard away from, she wanted to kiss the lips that helped sooth her mind as she was in torment. She felt like she needed to show how much she truly appreciated the woman. Like after a near death experience you have a new lease of life and feel like you must embrace everything and everyone you love, live out the risks and fight for what you want.

Jen turned to see if the girl was following but she was perched leaning against the bench with a look in her eye that made Jen's stomach lurch, she knew this look and the girl she fell in love with was back. The sparkle that she lit just for the teacher gleamed in her eye and she beamed a smile provoking Jen to walk back up to the bench. She fought her inner desires to jump onto the teen as she was not sure how ready she was for the full on behaviour, she may still be feeling the after effects of her melt down and be vulnerable. Jen walked her way to the bench and stood a foot away from the teen her head held high, she could not help but ooze with protectiveness for the teen and Tilly knew it, she knew that Jen would always carry her through the bad times and she hoped the teacher knew she would do the same for her.

"Do you not want to leave, I don't know about you but this is creeping me out a little" Jen pointed to the surroundings which were proving to be if alone, somewhere you would not want to be. The trees were not visible but their shadows provided distorted images on the pavement and the noise was eerie, whistling and whispering as the wind swooped through their branches. Jen's eyes were caught up in looking around and jumping as she heard random objects rattling "I think we should leave, but can I request two things before we go" the teens voice was serious with a slight tremble and Jen picked up on the quivering lip. "Of course beaut, anything" Jen replied walking closer and leaning her hands either side of the girls legs so she could see her, she wanted her to know she was there completely. "One, can you kiss me" the teen asked and she smirked as the teacher was close enough to her that she felt the electricity run through both of them, Jen looked down smiling too and rose her look back up to meet the teens eyes and her wish, "Are you sure" she asked seductively and all Tilly could do was nod her head, she leant in to meet the teachers lips and gasped as she felt her entire body being engulfed as the touch shook her, she wrapped a leg around Jen's back and pulled her closer, Jen followed direction and rose her body to align with the teens and kissed along her bottom lip and once upon the top, she pulled away a little and saw Tilly's eyes shut her eyebrows frowned a little as the kiss stopped and Jen went back in to kiss her girl properly. She ignited the teens soul back into the present and she had never felt like she needed the kiss more.

After long minutes of reuniting the pair unlocked their sealed lips and Jen kissed her gently on her now closed lips again, the compassion the teacher showed her always made Tilly blush she felt amazing being with her and never ever wanted this feeling to end. She smiled and hugged the teacher embracing the touch, she reached and held onto her hand and squeezed it hard enough for Jen to know she needed her. "What was the second request" Jen asked a little flushed. Tilly looked serious for a moment before she replied and looked to Jen and decided to look away as she spoke, she stopped and allowed Jen to walk in front of her before she spoke. "The second is a personal one, more intimate that the first" Jen's eyebrows raised and she looked completely willing to help, "Behave Jen, well for a minute anyway" the teen laughed as she could feel Jen's palm begin to warm up with excitement. "My second request is will you promise never to leave me, don't let me get this far and let me go" she looked embarrassed as she confessed the insecurities of her heart, but it was something that scared her to her core, she could deal with many pains and obstacles but the thought of getting completely lost over her head in love and being left alone in unfamiliar territory would be soul destroying.

Jen's answer was simple, she smiled and ran her thumb across the teen cheek and along her jaw line, her own eyes wore a painful look she could never think of even not thinking of the girl for a moment, it was not something she could allow her mind to comprehend as it would be the moment she would say goodbye to her heart. She leant in and kissed the girl again, the kiss was long and powerful it was a full of emotion and reassurance, it settled Tilly's nerves. Jen kept hold of the girls hand the entire time and let Tilly squeeze it as much as she needed "Never" was all she whispered.

There is no such thing as a fearless love, the end scares everyone but unless you accept the fear you have nothing to risk loosing. When the moment arises do not smile and pretend that you are where the other is, don't settle for anything less than your own feelings as although they scare you to death they are marking a moment of change, nothing will be lost but a lot shall be gained. When your heart is like a stone don't throw it at the person who you love as sometimes it can be too overpowering to carry. Always remember that sometimes when you think your walking alone and can only see one set of footprints, it is then that someone is carrying you.