KOREA! M*A*S*H 4077th
May 22, 1951

Many greetings, everyone! Fine weather we're having, huh? This is Klinger, signing back in for another simmering hotpot about to explode in M*A*S*H Notes! There is so much going on (the least of which being Captain McIntyre residing in Post-Op for the time being) that this reporter doesn't know where to begin! Ever since the fiasco with Major Burns has been sorted out and the regulations reestablished concerning medical discharges, we're back to normal…sort of.

The suggestions are in though and we're STILL dedicated to making this the best newspaper in Korea! While Stars and Stripes still holds that position in the Armed Forces, we're competing to make this better. While more always follows in every edition, I must say that we're hoping to keep you entertained as we receive more news about certain people (namely thieves) and places. So, without further ado, let me present…

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ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM COLONEL BLAKE

As Klinger has mentioned with his big mouth, Captain McIntyre has been denied his medial discharge. Per Army regulations, ulcers are not legitimate homeward medical maladies anymore and can be treated here or at Tokyo General. As you all are well aware, Captain McIntyre has elected to remain here with us and recuperate under the best care one can get in Korea. While he has had a quiet and restful stay in Post-Op, there has been some trouble in the form of a certain reporter that will be put on report if he does not stop bothering the surgeon.

Later in this edition, there will be the first of many reports released by the Army and written by Lieutenant Walker concerning the Officers' Latrine Bandit. Any rumors will be dispelled as the lieutenant allows us the use of his notes in order for us to understand the madness behind the fiend better. This will be a series (as was promised by I-Corp) and will hopefully help us piece together who this horrible person is. I mean, who would hold up a supply truck in order to get precious toilet paper for a M*A*S*H unit? And who would steal something as trivial as toilet paper in order to torture us?

For the time being, the interview with me concerning this matter will be postponed. Per orders from I-Corps, all information regarding the Officers' Latrine Bandit shall be published in whatever order they want it. Any questions are to be redirected back to Lieutenant Walker, who still resides in the VIP tent. Please visit him for more details if the reports below are not to your satisfaction.

Next, our ongoing lecture on RESPECT AND THE ARMY has been cancelled until further notice. Since the comments about Major Houlihan making up her lines (not to mention, the theft of her speech) has been…well…unmilitary…in nature, it has been decided by yours truly to nix it. Since Majors Burns and Houlihan do not believe that this series is being taken seriously, they are developing a plan to improve the structure of the Mess Tent favorite. Any questions or concerns should be directed at them.

Lastly, there has been a plague of more thefts in this camp other than from the Latrine Bandit. As of today, there have been complaints of missing picture frames, hairbrushes, glasses and dental equipment. Any and all information should be reported either to myself or Lieutenant Walker. He also will be heading the investigation with Colonel Flagg at the lead. They might also be a clue into where our missing toilet paper is as well.

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Extra! Extra! Read all about it! WAR IN KOREA NOW HAS DIRTY BOTTOMS AND SUPPLY TRUCKS BEING HELD UP AT GUNPOINT AND EVEN PERSONAL EFFECTS MISSING! MORE WILL FOLLOW IN THIS EDITION!

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Tent Schedules for Cold Weather
By: Corporal Radar O'Reilly

Colonel Blake has ordered the tent schedule to be disbanded. Unless we are staying here in the cold months, he said that we do not need to be keeping each other warm. And that includes Captains Pierce and McIntyre. He wants to mention that hiding in Major Houlihan's bed while she's on a date with Major Burns was not funny.

In addition, a new schedule will be released next week concerning the showers. Colonel Blake has ordered all holes in the shower tent to be patched up due to the complaints from the nurses. Since Major Houlihan also is tired of the messes left behind by the men, new rules will be posted as part of this schedule too. Colonel Blake has asked that we all stayed tuned for further details.

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SOME NEWS FROM THE WAR FRONT

~More Communist offensives fail to take land. Ever since being pushed from Pusan, Chinese and North Korean forces have been attempting to regain the same hills as before, fired off by the Brits. There have also been countless counteroffensives from General Ridgeway, which caused the Chinese to stop after penetrating thirty miles of the east and central parts of the ROK. More will follow!
~The UN nations have declared a military goods boycott for anything from China. Sorry, folks, this also means food, tourist traps, etc., will be banned.
~The "May Massacre" has begun! Even though the Chinese have had the rug yanked from underneath them, it does not mean that they aren't as nasty as we are. The 27th Army crossed the Soyang River and crushed the ROK soldiers. Ridgeway fought back, but was halted when the "Buck Stops Here" Truman demanded a more political solution.

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SOME NEWS FROM THE HOME (AND WORLD) FRONT

~On May 16: The first regularly scheduled transatlantic flights began between Idlewild Airport in New York's International Airport and Heathrow Airport in London, all in thanks to their operator, El Al Israel Airlines.
~On May 17: Karl Heinrich David, a composer of saxophone music, died at age sixty-six.
~On May 18: General James Lawton Collins predicted that we would be using the atomic bomb on North Korea.
~On May 19: At the 76th annual horserace, Preakness, Eddie Arcaro, riding Bold, won at one hour, fifty-six minutes and four seconds.
~On May 20: Jan Ingenhoven, a Dutch composer and conductor, died at age seventy-four.
~On May 21: The opening of the Ninth Street Show (also known as the 9th Art Exhibition) gathered numerous artists.

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NEW! This Day in History
By: Nurse Kellye

Hi, everyone! My folks back home in Hawaii sent me a lot of reading material and promised more. While it's not very interesting to me, I thought I'd share some of it since we've been pretty bored lately. I hope this new section becomes a favorite and tells you something new about our world history.

May 16:
Events – Joan of Arc is canonized as a saint (1920); Wings, Emil Jannings and Janet Gaynor win the 1st Academy Awards (1929)
Birthdays – H.H. Holmes (1861-1896) and Henry Fonda (1905- )
Weddings – Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI (1770), Edgar Allen Poe and Virginia Clemm (1836) and Mary Anne Evans (George Eliot) and John Cross (1880)
Deaths – Charles Perrault (1628-1703)

May 17:
Events – Pánfilo de Narváez leaves Spain to explore Florida with six hundred men (1527); John Hawkins and Richard French put forth a patient for a Reaping Machine (1803)
Birthdays – Albert of Prussia (1490-1568) and Cool Papa Bell (1903- )
Weddings – Marquis de Sade and Renee Pelagie de Montreuil (1763), President Andrew Johnson and Eliza McCardle (1827), Marlene Dietrich and Rudolf Sieber (1923) and George Mikan and Patricia Lu Daveny (1947)
Deaths – Johann Michael Bach (1648-1694), John Jay (1745-1829), Talleyrand (1754-1838), John Deere (1804-1886) and Charles Brooke (1829-1917)

May 18:
Events – Mamluk Sultan Al-Ashraf Khalil and his armies take the last Christian stronghold of Acre (1291); Napoleon is declared Emperor of France by the French Senate (1804); Khodynka Field, Moscow, saw a stampede during the coronation celebrations of Nicholas II, resulting in hundreds of deaths (1896)
Birthdays – Nicholas II (1868-1918?) and Frank Capra (1897- )
Weddings – Eleanor of Aquitaine and Henri of Anjou (1152) and Francis, Duke to Valois, and Claude, Duchess of Brittany (1514)
Deaths – Pope John I (470-523), King Erik IX Helgi of Sweden (1120?-1160), Georg Bohm (1661-1733) and Alexander Suvorov (1730-1800)

May 19:
Events – Anne Boleyn, second wife to Henry VIII of England, is beheaded (1536); England is declared a Commonwealth by an act of Parliament (1649); German chancellor Otto von Bismarck takes control of Cameroon and Togoland (1885); US Congress passes the Private Mailing Card Act (1898)
Birthdays – Mustafa Kemal Atatürk (1881-1938), Ho Chi Minh (1890- ) and Florence Chadwick (1918- )
Weddings – Prince Henry of the Netherlands and Princess Amalia of Saxony-Weimar (1853) and Robert Louis Stevenson and Fanny Van de Gift Osborne (1880)
Deaths – T.E. Lawrence (1888-1935), Anne Boleyn (1507?-1536) and Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864)

May 20:
Events – Explorer Vasco da Gama arrives in India (1498); Shakespeare's sonnets are first published in London by Thomas Thorpe (1609); US Homestead Act becomes law (1862); Charles Lindbergh takes off from New York to Paris (1927).
Birthdays – John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)
Weddings – British Prime Minister Frederick North and Anne Speke (1756)
Deaths – Christopher Columbus (1451-1506)

May 21:
Events – Mount Unzen in Japan's Shimabara Peninsula erupts (1792); the first Democratic National Convention is held in Baltimore (1832); Amelia Earhart lands in Ireland, lauded as the first woman to cross the Atlantic alone
Birthdays – Aurelia Cotta (120-54 BC), Phillip II of Spain (1527-1598) and Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
Weddings – Lady Jane Grey and Lord Guildford Dudley (1553), Akira Kurosawa and Yoko Yaguchi (1645) and David Lean and Ann Todd (1949)
Deaths – Hernando de Soto (?-1542) and Jane Addams (1860-1935)

May 22:
Events – Alexander the Great defeats Darius III of Persia (334 BC); the first wagon of migrants departed from Independence, Missouri to Oregon (1843); Hitler and Mussolini sign "The Pact of Steel" (1939)
Birthdays – Richard Wagner (1813-1883), Arthur Conan Doyle (1859-1930) and Lawrence Olivier (1907- )
Weddings – Major General George McClellan and Mary Ellen (1863)
Deaths – Constantine the Great (272-337), Martha Washington (1731-1802) and Victor Hugo (1802-1885)

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The Officers' Latrine Bandit
By: Lieutenant George Walker
All official information from I-Corp

Since arriving in Pusan, upon the command of Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, a plague of thefts have raided the 4077th M*A*S*H. Ever since reports have filtered to HQ concerning missing latrine paper, there has been some speculation as to who, how and why. When additional reports stated that someone had pilfered off with the goods, I-Corp had been mighty interested in someone who uses any manner possible to steal Army property.

Not much has been seen of this character. Many describe him as of medium height, definitely male, and maybe in his late thirties or early forties. He is always covered in black and is oddly quick on his toes. Sometimes, it has been reported that an accomplice (described as short, young and clumsy), but drunken eyes always mistaken shadows for men, as I've come to find out. He's also proficient with a handgun and knows the routes of all supply trucks to the 4077th.

The timeline of events and evidence from this past year follow:

~September 10, 1950 – This so-called Bandit makes its first appearance. Colonel Blake reported that only the officers' latrine was robbed. The enlisted personnel were not harmed. I-Corp reported back the next day that no more supplies could be spared.
~September 29, 1950 – The Bandit was almost caught where the enlisted personnel's latrine was. Major Frank Burns was reported to have seen the man and tried to stop the action. Unfortunately for Major Burns, the Bandit was stronger and managed to assault him, leaving him stuck head-first in one of the holes. The major was found by Colonel Blake an hour later.
~October 1, 1950 – Colonel Blake reported to I-Corp that some personnel have opted to brave the coming cold and camp out near the latrines for a chance to catch the Bandit. Accusations also began to filter in that two surgeons, Captains McIntyre and Pierce, might have been the culprits. This theory was quickly debunked within the next month.
~October 7, 1950 – A note from the Bandit was found and submitted to CID, which caught my personal attention. While some consider it a ransom note, others see it as a threat. This would be the first of many notes from the Latrine Bandit.
~October 14, 1950 – Another note was found, this time published in this camp newspaper and without going through Colonel Blake. It taunted the camp and said to catch him if we could.
~October 20, 1950 – While a new batch of latrine paper was sent, the Bandit had other ideas. Magazines used for the purpose had been stolen. The new shipment almost met the same end had it not been for Major Margaret Houlihan personally meeting the truck. She was armed.
~October 31, 1950 – It had been reported by Colonel Blake that the Bandit had been quiet for almost two weeks. Anybody with long-lasting effects of the theft had been treated. Major Sidney Freedom also wrote an analysis on the Bandit, a copy which resides with me. At that point, I had been assigned to investigate the happenings which had plagued the 4077th since the beginning of their tenure in Pusan.
~November 1, 1950 – Notes filtered around the 4077th, all of them claiming to be the Latrine Bandit. While some have been proven to be false leads, others were not. They have been part of a plot though, in order to distract from the main prize. While some have proven to be obvious duds, the rest led straight to the Bandit…and without a catch.
~November 1950-January 1950 – This was quiet period for the Bandit. While enemy fire was rampant and possibly deterred him from his activities, it also was a time to follow the clues and where the keys to the latrine paper went to. The conclusion from myself and I-Corp had been that the Bandit is in this very camp since none has been found outside of it. He is high-ranking or at least important enough to gain access. However, the problem was that everyone was accounted for at each incident or had an alibi. The assessment remains to this day.
~January 15, 1951 – Colonel Blake reassured me that all keys to the supplies were with him and Corporals Klinger and O'Reilly. Also, another note from the Bandit appeared. This was found in a separate tent, where Corporal Klinger keeps his printing press.
~January 23, 1951 – All of the keys to the boxes latrine paper had been stolen. In addition, any extra supplies that had been hidden in various places around the camp were missing. The Bandit even left a note in an edition of this newspaper. A new box with a new set of keys had been made later that night.
~Late January 1951 – The 8055th M*A*S*H reported that the Bandit stole from their supplies as well. Nobody had seen the figure, but all the telltale signs from the 4077th were clear. The CO of the unit, Colonel Beckett, demanded compensation from Colonel Blake.
~February 19, 1951 – Investigating late one night, I came across the Bandit. Naturally, I chased him and ended up in the nurses' latrine. After cleaning up, my CO was called to the task of researching this fiend.
~Late February-early March 1951 – Again, the Bandit is quiet. The flu had been spreading around the area between the units. It is possible that the original theory was correct and that personnel from this camp had been responsible. All personnel, with very few exceptions (Corporal O'Reilly, Father Mulcahy and Major Houlihan), had been hit with this sickness.
~March 6, 1951 – Anther note appeared from the Bandit. This time, he also threatened General MacArthur. However, he did miss a precious roll of latrine paper, which was used as a way to thank Captain Pierce for his actions during a crises. Colonel Blake managed to procure this item from the locked boxes.
~March 1951 – Colonel Samuel Flagg, my CO, was sent to the 4077th to investigate any leads into the Bandit. Our nuisance was quiet the moment the colonel walked into the 4077th compound. As of today, since he is still working with me, he has reached the same conclusions and received no new leads.
~April 1951 – Again, the Bandit has not made a move. Colonel Flagg sat for several nights out by the latrines and questioned everyone he thought was a suspect. He has not gained any more information than what we have.
~May 1, 1951 – After Colonel Flagg and I headed back to HQ because of a ban, the Bandit struck. While General Steele's party was at the 4077th, it was said by his aides that his latrine paper went missing. This was the only unlocked and opened supply in the camp. We were called back in not even a week later.

Currently, this timeline of events tells a chilly tale worse than Edgar Allen Poe. From the beginning to now, we have a cast of characters that have been through the hold-ups, ordering and supply runs. There are the officers that control access, the enlisted personnel that do the work and those in-between that watch in awe or revulsion. For the time being, this person has been underground, waiting for his chance to strike once more when Colonel Flagg and I are not looking.

The breakthrough in the case? A list of suspects has been made. Everyone's alibis and stories are being double and triple checked and written and sent in triplicate. It still stands that it is ONE OF YOU. There are helpers in this game and not just one Bandit is committing these crimes. One had the means and the other the motive. While I am one-hundred percent certain that one is an officer and another an enlisted man, there is one person I definitely have in custody that has ties to the Bandit.

Right now at this very moment, Corporal Walter "Radar" O'Reilly is in interrogation with Colonel Flagg. Next is Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger. They will be the first links in solving this case.

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The Price of Drinking and Thievery
By: Hawkeye Pierce

What better way to add on to the mysterious thief (other than our Latrine Bandit) than to document our lovely, although abridged, visit from the one and only Dr. Anthony Borelli? That was some guy, am I right or am I right? Ever since he has left, I have had people comment how we look alike; as if we were father and son. Let me set the record straight for all of those wanderers: he is NOT my father. My father is still residing in good ol' Crabapple Cove, Maine, where I would also be if the Army did not drag me to their cocktail party.

As some of you are aware, Dr. Borelli snapped in the moment after a series of annoying yet idiotic mannerisms and suggestions that drove me insane. He was unable to operate on a patient with this new technique he was working on back in Seoul. The primary reason behind his 'so-called "break" is the fact that he was drunk and he could not be trusted with a knife without killing the patient.

I will be the first to admit that I drink in my off-time. I think the entire country of Korea knows that. I bet you that I have never once been impaired while operating on a patient. I also never let it interfere with my work and I plan to keep it that way, or my name isn't Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

Dr. Borelli's visit raised some questions regarding some of our doctors as well. I wanted to set the record straight in our lovely newspaper that all of the doctors here are competent of doing surgery without drinking getting in the way. We are not Anthony Borelli. God willing, we will never be him and run off on a patient like he did.

Changing subjects here, I want to send a message to the thief of our little abode: I would really, truly appreciate the return of my poker winnings and my martini making set. I did not appreciate my footlocker being broken into while I was in surgery. The price you pay when I catch you will be my fist planted in your face.

Thank you!

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Missing Items (So Far)
By: Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger

Since Radar has been out of sorts and stuck in the VIP tent with Lieutenant Walker at the moment, it has been my privilege (and duty) to present the list of missing items reported. While the Latrine Bandit has not been named as the culprit and no suspects have been listed, Colonel Blake wants this out there so that, in case something is found, we have the official list we can compare it to. The following are what has been deemed stolen:

~Major Margaret Houlihan – hairbrushes
~Major Frank Burns – silver photograph frame
~Captain B.F. "Hawkeye" Pierce – poker winning and glass martini set
~Captain J.F.X. "Trapper" McIntyre – toilet paper from home
~Father Mulcahy – Bibles for Sunday mass
~Captain John Black – hat from his wife
~Lieutenant Janet Baker – diamond engagement ring
~Lieutenant Louise Anderson – Bach records and several books
~Sergeant Roy Goldman – a silver watch
~Captain Karen Decker – three books, all smut
~Colonel Blake – a stuffed fish on a plaque

Other various Army property is also missing. While the latrines had not been robbed recently, some medical supplies and other equipment is gone. A full list can be found with Colonel Blake if you're interested.

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The Klinger Chronicles Tells of Misery and Hope
By: Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger

Hello, all of you zany folks of the 4077th! Did you miss your lovable and crazy Maxwell Q. Klinger? I sure missed all of you…even for a brief period of time, it was a nice brief period of time. I digress though. Onward to the crux of this tale!

As all of you can clearly tell, since I am telling this story, I am still with you all in this mess of a war. I know, I wish it were different, as the hills of Toledo are still calling my name at night. If they had hills, I would go there in my dreams and never come back. And you wouldn't blame me either!

So, are you all ready to hear my latest tale of woe?! This is a newspaper so, of course I cannot hear the responses, but I will assume that you all said yes! Well, where do I begin? I know. Let me give you a brief history as to where this idea came about.

Do you all (as in those who were here) remember when General Barker came to visit during the transition of chief surgeons to our very own Captain Hawkeye Pierce? And that Major Burns called him to visit our humble abode because of a patient crisis? Well, at the very end of his visit, right when he was leaving, there I was, in my birthday suit anxiously awaiting those beautiful words, "My God, the man is crazy!" Of course, I did not hear those words and instead got the "My God, he's naked!" In defense of that, I was in fact wearing a hat. So, technically not completely naked.

Anyway! I have decided, as all of you may or may not be aware to walk around the unit naked. How could this not work!? For one, no SANE person would dare walk the unit naked. Why would you, unless you're Adam and Eve of course (Sorry, Father). Besides, I'm sure we all remember when Captain Pierce did it and managed to get into the Mess Tent before someone dropped a tray. During that time though, it was a dare and he was not looking for the attention. I, on the other hand, was.

So, I walked around the camp with pride, as all of you noticed. Indeed, it was the latest of wacky Klinger! Immediately, Colonel Blake did, as always, and he gave me a hard time, but I would not give in. I need to be in my beloved Toledo, it's in my blood.

Without stopping me completely, I continued with my mission. Toledo being my prized, even if I had to go in a straitjacket!

This idea would have worked…except for one little situation I did not put in mind: the wounded. When you carry a gurney, there is always that chance that bodily fluids will stick on you, hence the scrubs that all of you wonderful doctors and nurses wear. As a very brief assistant, especially a nude assistant, you do not realize how much and what comes out of the human body. Once blood hit my beautiful body, and of course the sanitation reasons behind it, I quickly clothed!

That is one thing I will not do in order to be back home. I WILL NOT risk the life of another. I'm not a murderer, I'm just crazy! That soldier would have thanked me if he were conscious.

So, I lasted naked for a two days. Admittedly, that is not as terrible as it sounds. I was close, and for that moment, I was close home and full of hope. What exactly is next for me, you may ask? Stick around the unit and find out. I'm always full of surprises.

Until next time, folks…or not, which is what I'd prefer.

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Weekly Sermon
By: Father John Francis Mulcahy

I was humbly asked by Colonel Blake to cover a special sermon this week regarding our latest events. You do not need to be Catholic to listen to this one. I'm sure in this er…somewhat trying time, we all need comfort. Not to mention in this war, there is no shame to seek refuge.

As all of you are aware, we have had a thief in our mist who has taken away some of our prized possessions and not just toilet paper. Because it is not my business to, I will not disclose what was stolen. For those who have been victimized, will know who they are and understand the respect I have for them.

In the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:15), the seventh commandment is "Thou shall not steal". This coming from God's lips to the leader Moses. At the time that this was written, all of these commandments were (and still are!) sacred. There were to be obeyed or be punishable by death. Now, this was written before Jesus's time and therefore a bit harsher than what we are used to. Today, we follow Jesus' example of forgiveness. And I have no doubt that all of you, my children, are a bit angry and frustrated that your personal belongings have been taken from you. Some of those are irreplaceable, I am sure.

I urge you all to practice forgiveness. It will be hard at first. We all are human, after all, but it will relieve you in more ways than you will know. If you let anger control your heart, you will have no heart at all. It will become a stone and you will become a bitter person as a result.

I say this not to frighten you. I say this as a teacher and from someone who has seen it in every young man that has entered our doors. I lose a soul when that hatred comes about. Indeed, I fear for you all in these trying times. This war has stolen you from your homes, your families and your loved ones. This was has taken the sanity of many men and women like yourselves too, most of whom take it home with them.

In the end, even our little thief is also a victim of this war. They have been stolen from all that they have loved and have to do such an act in order to keep the little stability he has – and this now has become a norm because he has been deprived of what he use to know.

Forgiveness, children, will be the first step. It will not fix everything. In fact, it will only be a small piece of the puzzle, but that little piece is worth more than you will know.

I will end my little sermon there. I do hope that you all take it with you this week. Also, I would like to make a plea to two people. First off, to our thief. I beg you to turn yourself in. If you feel more comfortable, you can visit me in my tent and I promise you that you will not be harmed if forgiveness is asked and the items are returned. The second one is to our Latrine Bandit. We know what you are doing, and you too are more than welcome to confess to me in my tent.

Go with God, my sons and daughters. We need Him most of all.

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From the Mess Tent
By: Private Igor Stravinsky

Hello, from the Mess Tent, one and all! The cook and I have some news. I'm unsure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing with you people, but you know the old saying goes, walk this life with a positive attitude. Even in this place. Ahem, well…

I think this next meal will be a treat for all. We're not fortunate enough to have the thief steal our food. However, we do have special permission from Colonel Blake to have another barbeque with the remaining supplies! That's right! Our 1942 surplus burgers and chicken will be brought back to life with charcoal and fire. Got to have better taste buds than the usual way, right?

So, for the next week, grab your forks, knives, taste buds and your favorite barbeque sauce. It will be a luau…sort of! And you don't need to donate any money to the orphans to have a good time!

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Trapp's Movie Review
By: Trapper John McIntyre

I wish I had more to say than this (other than I am stuck in this neck of the woods for a longer jail sentence), but in this outfit, this may be more of a blessing in disguise. We can all give a special thanks to the mysterious thief for stealing this week's movie! I should be honest and just say that I had no idea what the title was. But we are all adults here, so I believe that we all can use our imaginations and come up with a better movie than what the Army will give us anyway.

However, this does not make us out of the clear. After it was told to me about this week's movie, our very own Radar wanted to ask if it were all right to read a letter that was written to him from home. Coming from a farm, I must admit that this will be a bit more interesting than the movie and could be made into one if we had the equipment. I mean, reading about his uncle's planting is a lot more interesting.

Sitting here on Post-Op, I digress. It is completely up to you what you'd like to listen to or even do during movie hour. Whatever you decided, don't bug me. I'll still be in this hell, eating ridiculous meals served to me by my bunkie. Later, Hawkeye promised me a trip to the Swamp, topping it with ice cream and a martini.

Cheers!

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Literary Corner
By: Nurse Louise Anderson

While it has been difficult with the theft of our books lately, it's been a pleasure to see more people involved with our book meetings. While the madness of the last week has been…well, a little more than false hopes…we can rest assured that this will continue. Also, I have not been notified of any transfer yet and have been promised this time and again. However, it has been a wonder to have all of you keep me cheered as we continue through The Odyssey.

This week, we're now focusing on book four. When you read the following, think about these questions for our discussion next week:

~Which deity rescues Odysseus from drowning and why? Was there any plans or ulterior motives to this scheme?
~Telemachus and Pesistratus arrive in Sparta to visit who? And why?
~Zeus has a new right-hand man. Who is this person and why did Zeus trust him so much?
~Who is the "Breaker of the Armies"? Why is this person so important? Is this person's death as important as the deeds of his life?
~Queen Helen of Sparta is featured in this book more. Describe her and what her plans are. Have they changed from when she was in Troy? Does she work better with Menelaus now that Troy is behind her? What of her love for Paris?
~Antinous has a plan to destroy Telemachus now that the secret is out about the latter's parentage. What kind of attack is he planning? Why? Why is it a benefit for Telemachus to be dead?

Until next week (and hopefully no transfer) – Happy Reading!

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Five O'clock Charlie Numbers and Winner
By: Corporal Radar O'Reilly

Below again are the guesses from various camp personnel on where Five O'clock Charlie will drop his bomb. In addition, Colonel Blake has said that he has permission from General Barker himself to do this, so nobody can complain about the gambling and enemy air raid. All bets are closed before tomorrow's show and need to be in by 1655 hours, per Colonel Blake's orders. General Barker has also submitted his guess as well.

General Barker – 46.8 meters
Colonel Blake – 90 meters
Captain McIntyre – 34.7 meters
Captain Pierce – 19 meters
Nurse Kellye – 49 meters
Nurse Morrison (by mail) – 13.4 meters
Father Mulcahy – 63.7 meters
Nurse Bayliss (by mail) – 41 meters
Corporal Klinger – 13.7 meters
Corporal O'Reilly – 64 meters
Nurse Able – 10.9 meters
Sergeant Zale – 52 meters
Private Stravinsky – 59.2 meters
Sergeant Goldman – 64 meters
Sergeant Troy – 75.2 meters
Nurse Dish – 36.9 meters
Nurse Baker – 23 meters
Captain Black (by phone) – 61 meters
Ho-Jon – 31 meters
Major Morison – 46.1 meters
Nurse Decker – 37 meters
Captain Pak (by phone) – 43 meters
Major Freedman – 26 meters
Lieutenant Walker – 50 meters
Colonel Flagg – 54.1 meters

Last week's winner was Father Mulcahy! A total of $23.10 will be awarded to him by Colonel Blake tomorrow, before the next showing. However, we are hoping that there will be no interference. Colonel Flagg has threatened to shut down the betting by taking out Five O'clock Charlie.

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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE NURSES TO MAJOR HOULIHAN

While we appreciate the ways you look out for us, we also know the regulations. While gambling is supposedly against them, the bets we place are harmless. So is Five O'clock Charlie. Besides, Colonel Blake approved of it and he's a higher rank than you. And General Barker is in on the betting too! Are you going to contradict him?

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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE SWAMP (MINUS MAJOR BURNS)

The return of Trapper John later this week to his crusty home calls for a celebration. On behalf of all of us here in the Swamp (excluding the infamous Frank Burns and his dancing scalpel), we are hosting a party! Come one, come all, to this wild night of drinks, popcorn and home movies. We will be bringing in a long Happy Hour. Of course, Frank Burns wouldn't mind if we saw his wedding from before the last war. Mrs. Burns sent it just for his comfort anyway and it would be a shame to miss out on such a great event too.

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MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP

Trapper,

Now that you're not leaving, is there a chance we can still see each other? I'd love a lock of that curly hair! It'll be the perfect addition to the stash under my pillow.

Nurse on Cloud Nine

~00~

A Delicious Dish…

Sure, I'll keep the fish with me…if I can find it again. It's been stolen!

Fisherman in Disguise

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My True Patriot,

Of course, I have a brain for you to kiss! Oh, what wonderful lips will be touching mine! After several nights with Colonel Flagg, I'm sure the patriotism will rub from you to me and make us one big patriot. It's worth it to have you by my side, even after being away from me for so long. This war has brought us so much, this the best of all!

After those hooligans invaded my tent, I have set up security measures to ensure our privacy. Would you like to check them out? I'm sure you'll love to inspect them and attempt to bomb them.

Your Peaches and Cream

~00~

Nurse on Cloud Nine,

Don't even think about. I am a married man and have children to think about. Stay away from me and don't even look my way in Post-Op.

Trapper

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Dear Secret Admirer,

Since dinner has been more than fantastic, I think I'll have another go. Care to celebrate when Trapper comes home? It'll be a lovely time.

Hawkeye

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Klinger,

That movie we missed was sure something. How about another go, this time when the thief decides to give back the film? I'm sure it'll be worth it to see Abbott and Costello.

Nurse Wistful

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Nurse Dish,

Even though I am no longer there at the camp, I am finding that I am still missing some things from when we were a couple. Care to send them back to me? Postage has been paid. Just follow the directions I sent to Hawkeye and Trapper and we'll end this on a better note.

Painless Pole

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DEAR AUNT SADIE

Dear Aunt Sadie,

I guess this note will be short and sweet. I won't go into too many details. All I will say is that I know someone who has a problem. He has been beaten up at his unit because of who he prefers to love. Now, wounded and the mercy of another Regular Army GI, I am learning that there are papers being written up that he will be dishonorably discharged. He is war hero! How can I stop that?

Nurse to the Rescue

~00~

My lovely Nurse to the Rescue,

There are two surgeons that will be more than willing to help you. They also are on the case to stop this madness. Contact them. They shall be your key. Otherwise, Aunt Sadie cannot give out more details, just as you are holding back yours. Even if Aunt Sadie has been exempt from some trouble, there are still Army rules and regulations she needs to follow as well.

Do not fret, my child. The people who are already aware of the situation are working hard towards keeping that dishonorable discharge off of that brave man's record. He has enough to show that, no matter what kind of person he loves, he still served his country well and has the deeds to prove it. That should be the same for all people too.

Aunt Sadie

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WEATHER

Today: Well, ain't it beautiful outside here in a war-torn Korea?! Today is all about that sunshine, with not an obstruction in the sky and plenty of cheer to go around. Temperatures will be in the high sixties today, with a slight chance of clouds moving in tonight, low of forty.

Tomorrow: It is being predicted that it will be the same as today! High will be about seventy-four. There will be wounded tomorrow, so having the compound cleared is the priority!

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Wow, what an edition! With so much going on, especially with Radar leaving so soon and with his material left in my capable hands (as well as Captain McIntyre staying after all), my head is spinning! Freedom Fighter Klinger has allowed the charade to go on for too long though. We are off to the races, everyone, and to rescue on of our own from being accused of the unthinkable – stealing toilet paper from the officers' latrine! What a capital offense!

The future of this newspaper is secured despite all accusations, Colonel Blake reassured me. However, with the suggestions pouring in, new sections being written and the war progressing longer than we wanted, M*A*S*H Notes is becoming one of the best newspaper in all of the ROK. While that achievement still stands to this day as being second to Stars and Stripes, we still need to take our newspaper to the next step. For now, petitioning to have Radar (and later myself) exonerated will be key. So, until next time, this Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger, signing off and heading Lieutenant Walker right off at the pass!