Fenris
I had to get away. I couldn't stay there. I couldn't bear to see the look in her eye when she told me it was a mistake, just a moment. I understood what I was to her. I was a protector and comforter. She had needed comfort and sought it out. It was just a moment.
My chant did nothing to help my hammering heart. I had kissed her back. I had let my feelings take over. Now she would know my secret.
If I had just held still. If I had just pulled back. If I had moved out of her bed the instant she was asleep. If, if, if. The if's were a chant as I stormed through the early morning quiet of Hightown. Everything was ruined now, tainted and changed, and it was my fault. She would look at me with pity now.
The runaway elven slave with the stolen mansion who dared to dream that he could be worthy of the Champion of Kirkwall. The others would laugh about it. Broody should have known his place, Varric would laugh. The beast got what he deserved, Anders would agree. Poor Fenris, Merrill would sigh.
Lila would probably turn to the abomination now. It would be safer than to turn to me. As much as Anders cared for her, he would never do as I had done. He would know that she was still grieving from the loss of the dream she had had. She could never care for me. I should have seen it. She had fallen for Sebastian, not the man he really was, but the man we all thought he was. That was what she wanted. Someone strong and whole and normal. Though those things no longer applied to Sebastian, they didn't apply to me either.
I went home, but home didn't feel like home anymore. I stalked through the rooms looking for something to take my mind off my misery, but each room mocked me. Taunting me with the facts of who and what I was. I was a nothing. A slave who had been fortunate enough to win the sympathies of a woman too good for the likes of any of the companions she kept. I didn't even have memories of my past. This was probably a blessing as well. I was probably an even worse person than I thought I was.
I wallowed in my misery for a while, but then I realized I had left them. I had vowed to protect them and I had walked out. Just as I had when we had fought Hadriana, just as I had when we had gone after Danairus here in this house, just as I had when we had gone after the slavers.
I whirled and ran. I couldn't go back to her. I wasn't ready for that yet. I had to get myself under control first, but I could go and watch him. I wasn't going to let that bastard hurt her again. As I got to the Chantry I wondered if I shouldn't just go and kill him. Finish what I had started. Lila would be angry with me but also relieved. The threat he posed would be gone. She and Lea would be safe. They wouldn't need me to protect them anymore.
I started for the door, but froze halfway there. If I killed him, I would be the violent beast Anders accused me of. I would prove Danarius right when he said I was nothing more than a weapon. I didn't want hate and violence to dictate my life anymore. I didn't want to be that man.
Hadn't Lila been trying to show me that for years now? That I didn't have to be that person Danarius had built me to be. That I could build a life of my own choosing. I hadn't been sure how or even what I wanted to be, but I knew now, at least in part. I wanted to be a man worthy of being in Lila and Lea's life. And someone worthy of her wouldn't kill a man in cold blood. Even if he really deserved it. I was sure I would get my chance at Sebastian. The man wasn't going to give up. Someday he would push and then his heart would be mine.
So I settled in to keep watch on him. He wouldn't make a move without me as his shadow. And if he so much as glanced at her house, I would beat him black and blue. Lila wouldn't be worried about the bruises this time.
I was growing bored as night fell. I had forgotten how tedious it was to wait around for someone. I had gotten used to Lila's constant need for activity. He hadn't bothered to leave the Chantry at all. But I would stay in my vigil. Last night he had come to her about this time.
I shifted farther back into the shadows as I saw Varric heading for the Chantry. To say it was an odd sight would be an understatement. He climbed up the stairs and paused as he glanced around the shadows. I noticed an envelope in his hands. What was he doing?
"Broody, I'm sure you're here somewhere. I went by your house and you weren't there. I don't know why you ran off, but I figured you would be the one who wanted to give this to him." Varric whispered as he got to the top. I moved out of the shadows and he smiled at me.
I took the envelop and looked at him. "What's this?"
He laughed and shook his head. "Hawke said it was payback."
"What?" I glanced down at the envelop in my hand.
"It's a letter to Sebastian. She asked me to deliver it, but I figured you would want to." Varric eyed me. "So why'd you run?"
"I didn't run."
"According to Anders, like the house was on fire." He chuckled. "Let me guess, Hawke caught you making puppy eyes at her and you bolted."
"I do not make puppy eyes!" I snapped.
He sighed and held his hands out. "Fine, fine. But whatever's up between you two, do you think you can get over it? She's pretending everything's fine, but she's not doing a very convincing job of it this time. Even Daisy picked up on it."
"There is nothing to get over. I simply wanted some air. I chose to watch Sebastian rather than hover around Lila."
"Right, air. Um, hmm." Varric said continuing to watch me.
"What do you want from me, Varric?" I snapped.
"Me? Nothing. Just making sure you're alright. This hasn't been easy for you either."
"I'm not the one who was raped, drugged, and forced to have a bastard's child because he was sick and twisted!"
"No, but you are the one who's given up the most after her. You've moved in, protected, and tended her. You're the one who has feelings for her."
"My feelings are my own concern." I snarled. "And yes, I've done all of that, but it's only what had to be done. She needs me."
"And that has to be hard because you think she needs you but doesn't want you."
"If she wanted me gone, she would say so." I frowned at him.
"That's not what I meant by want and you know it."
"I have always known what my place is with her."
"Spoken like a slave." He said and shook his head.
"That's what I was, dwarf!"
"Right, but you've been free from him for what nine years now?" Varric pressed. "Six with us, three on your own?"
"I am not free of him yet."
"And there is more truth in that statement than you realize. If you would open up your eyes, you would see what is plain to see. You aren't a slave, Broody. You haven't been in a long time. And you never were in Hawke's eyes. Maybe it's time for you to let go of that life."
"It's all I know." I said quietly and looked away from him.
"Wrong. It was all you knew. You've been around us long enough to know something different now. Look, I'm not saying you don't have a right to be pissed because you do. All I'm saying is that maybe your hate and anger are keeping you locked in a place that feels comfortable now. You don't need to hold on to that anymore. You have all of us to hold onto now."
"And what am I supposed to do, Varric?"
"I don't know. Your life is your own. But maybe try something new. Get some new clothes, clean up your mansion, change your hair, get a job. I don't know. Maybe try not running when something gets a little difficult." He gave me a pointed look.
"I'm not running. I just needed a break."
"And I get that. She would too if you had just said that."
"I told her I needed some air."
He rolled his eyes. "Right. You say something along those lines each time you run from her."
"I've never run from her. I might leave her in situations I shouldn't, but it's not her I'm running from."
"Tell yourself whatever you need to, Broody, but I'm not buying it." He held up his hand as I started to protest. "I didn't come here to argue with you. I wanted to make sure you were alright and to give you the letter. Though the mood you're in, probably shouldn't have done that. I know you don't like to talk, but I'm here if you need someone to broodily sit in silence with. I'll even work on not asking you a thousand questions. Helps if you buy me a pint or two." He smirked at me. "Want me to go with you?"
I glanced at the letter and shook my head. I didn't want a chaperone for this. And I was done talking about Lila and myself.
He sighed and nodded. "I had hoped to get to see his face. Oh, well. I'll just make something up for the story."
"You always make up stuff for the story." I smirked at him.
"Well, sometimes it needs a little bit of spice added." He shrugged. "This time I think it needs some good stuff."
"Good stuff?" I asked wondering what he would tell this time.
"You know, some fighting, maybe some bleeding. A little of him on the floor crying like a baby. I like the way that sounds."
"I like the image as well." I said picturing it in my head.
"Yeah, well, don't go and get arrested. Aveline's staying with Hawke tonight. Anders had some stuff to take care of in the clinic."
"They would have to catch me to arrest me." I said and started for the chantry.
"Yeah, well, remember Hawke will slaughter me if you get hurt or in trouble. So do a fellow a solid and don't get killed."
"Oh, I don't plan on dying any time soon. I have a life to start, right?" I said and entered the chantry.
