Chapter 29
a/n: I know that some of you are getting very frustrated and confused about some things. I apologize for this. Rachel has been questioning her and Santana's relationship from the first chapter of this story. Rachel maybe young, but she is really trying to protect Santana from the guilt of the whole situation in addition to the fact that Karofsky threatened Rachel about Santana's safety in the beginning. The other primary reason that you seem to be frustrated is because Karofsky is not in jail. Without Rachel's statement they cannot arrest him. The rape kit wouldn't hold up without charges. Her parents could force the charges to be pressed because Rachel is a minor, but still without the statement it would not hold up in court. Alongside, Karofsky's alibi, they cannot arrest him. I hope this chapter answers some more of these and other questions you might have. I have some big plans ahead for these characters. I really hope that you will take the ride with me. I do have to warn you that these characters have been through a lot; they need to process it, and those processes might force things to get worse before they can get better.
Please feel free to message me with any further questions or concerns.
Also, this chapter references quite a few small details from other chapters.
Santana sat in the car quietly with Rachel. Rachel was just looking out the window as they drove home. Santana wanted so desperately for her to say something. It wasn't that long ago that she used to tell her everything. She was still a tiny, barely developed fourteen year old. She should be happy. She should be boy crazy or something…. Santana let that thought trail off. Instead she was lost. And Santana could see that. As she turned on their street, she realized that she had accepted the fact that Rachel wasn't going to press charges. While there was such an immense anger burning in the pit of her stomach, she understood. How could Rachel get justice if she wouldn't even tell her? Most rapes didn't get reported. 60% of rapes/sexual assaults Santana had read. 60%. And if it was reported there was only a 50.8% chance of an arrest. She never understood it until now. She had promised that wasn't going to push her. She was going to keep that promise. It was only now as she watched Rachel struggle with her everyday things that she realized that this was so much more than justice and revenge. She wanted that for Rachel, but Rachel herself didn't want that.
Rachel couldn't look at Santana. She just couldn't. She could see her sister desperately wanting to know what she was feeling. She couldn't share what she was feeling. She glanced over at Santana's hands on the steering wheel. They were gripping it so tightly that her knuckles were white. She looked back out the window as they pulled into the driveway. She needed to give Santana something. It was as if she could see the guilt in Santana's eyes and in her body language. She saw it in the way that Santana acted at home. And in the way that she avoided her fathers' eyes when Rachel was in the room. She could see that, but she also needed to protect her. Despite what Santana thought, Rachel understood how fragile she was. And she wasn't going to add to the blame.
Santana put the car into park and looked down at the keys that she pulled out of the ignition. She wasn't sure if they should sit there or if she should go inside and let Rachel have time to herself. Her mind kept drifting back to the what-ifs. What if she didn't find her in time? What-if she hadn't made Rachel wait on the bleachers? What if she had stopped practice and forgotten about the Cheerios long enough to chase after her before those amazons got to her?
"I don't know what to say, San to make you feel better," Rachel said almost as if she could read Santana's mind. Santana felt her heart break all over again. She was fourteen for Christ's sake, shouldn't Santana be doing the protecting?
"Rachel," Santana started gently. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I'm just sorry that I didn't get there earlier this afternoon. I will be speaking to Quinn tomorrow. What did she say to you?"
Rachel looked up into Santana's eyes. They were so much older than Santana ever remembered seeing. "She's going through a lot, Tig."
"Well, so are you!" Santana practically screamed, making Rachel jump. She realized her mistake. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Her voice was soft. She started to reach out for Rachel but she stopped.
"You are too, San," Rachel said breaking the silence. "You're going through a lot. None of this can be easy for you."
Santana felt a pang in her chest. "Are you kidding me, Rach?"
Rachel seemed to ignore her words. "What can I do to make you feel less guilty?" Rachel's voice was small.
"You can tell me what happened." The words seemed to tumble unceremoniously out of Santana's mouth. She closed her eyes tightly regretting what and how she said it all. "I didn't mean—''
"I – um – wanted to sing this song. Kurt didn't want to leave me, but I told him that um…. It wouldn't take any time at all. –'' Santana could hear that Rachel was trying to keep her voice as steady as possible.
"You expected me to wait for you…" Santana's voice was quiet. Rachel could hear the guilt. "You knew I would be at your locker, or you thought I would?"
"But I knew that you might easily get held up by something," Rachel said quickly looking at Santana as seriously as she could.
Rachel paused for a moment before she went on. Santana needed this she reminded herself. "At the end of the song, all of the lights went off and I heard the main door lock. Then he grabbed me. –''
"Quinn and Puck said something about a door slam," Santana said quietly.
Rachel hesitated. She didn't want to bring them into this. "Yeah…. I don't know what that was," Rachel said quietly looking down at her hands. She went on, reminded herself that this wasn't for her. "He had his hands around my waist like Puck did. That's why I got scared….and he… um….he started to hit me…. And then when I couldn't move anymore, he … um…. he … well you know."
Santana watched her. Rachel turned to look at Santana's face. Santana knew that a lot was left out. She wanted to ask questions, but she knew she shouldn't. "He never said anything about why?" Santana asked out loud, 'too late' she said to herself.
Rachel looked away. She remembered his words clearly in her mind. "Shut it, Berry. This is for this morning. I think that not only you need to lesson, but your bitch sister does too." Why is a question she hadn't really asked herself. All she knew was that he had a score to settle. It seemed to be to get back at Santana. She looked back up at Santana with the most unreadable face she could muster.
"No, he never said anything," Rachel replied.
Santana could see how hard this all was for Rachel. However, she wasn't going to push for more information as badly as she wanted to. Santana saw that more than ever that she couldn't ask Rachel to get on the stand. She couldn't even get Rachel to her a complete account of what happened. How were they going to press charges without a confession from Rachel? She could see that Rachel was retreating back into her self again.
"Let's go inside, monkey," she said gently as she took her hand. Their fathers were working late tonight. Something about a big surgery was in the message that was left on the machine. Something was bubbling in Santana and she wasn't sure what it was. Hearing Rachel talk about what had happened brought her some relief, but it made her so full of emotions. It all ached. She was so angry. She thought it would make her feel better, but instead knowing she had less control or even no control made it worse….elements of the day rushed back to her. She felt this way earlier….Shelby. She was seething.
Rachel leaned against the counter as she watched Santana prepare dinner. She would help, but she learned awhile back that Santana needed to be in control especially when it came to food. Rachel watched with a scowl as Santana added more and more different ingredients into the pan.
"San…. I'm really not that hungry," Rachel said. She didn't hate her body she just wasn't hungry. Body issues were Santana's thing, Santana knew that, but Rachel ate according her emotions. And if those emotions took up too much of her energy her hunger would be able to feed off of that. Santana knew that, but she needed to feel in control of something. Santana tensed trying her best to stay calm. She felt so much right now. She was angry; she wanted to explode, but she couldn't she would scare Rachel. She took a deep breath. Get it together, San.
"Yes, you are," Santana said as she spooned the rice concoction onto a plate and handed it to Rachel. "You just don't know it. I'll be right back."
Rachel stared down at her plate. She wasn't in the mood to be held hostage in the kitchen again. The pancakes had been bad enough. She felt a slight bit better. She had told Santana something. And although she knew that Santana was going outside to do her "angry pacing," a term that Rachel dubbed long ago, it was better than seeing her feel guilty. It wasn't a huge accomplishment, but it was something. Rachel looked at the trashcan again and as if on queue Santana's voiced echoed through the couch. "Same deal as before! You put it in the trash, you eat it from the trash!"
Santana stood pacing on pathway out front. She just needed to scream. This can't possibly be her life.
"What's on your mind, stranger?" she heard a gently voice. Santana looked up from her pacing but didn't stop.
"I can't talk to you right now, B," Santana said with her arms folded. "I'm very angry."
Brittany gave a small smirk and approached her. She then started to see the seriousness of the angry Latina's march. She laid her hand on the Latina's arm and stopped her.
"Really, Brittany, now isn't the time," Santana started.
"This isn't just another hook up," Brittany said seriously.
"I know…." Santana replied but still looked unsure.
"No, I don't think you do. We're a thing… you can't…. be in it when you want to be in it. " Brittany wasn't sure how to say all of this. "I'm not just here for the sweet lady kisses, S. I'm actually here for you."
Santana didn't meet her eyes all of the way. Brittany could tell that she was struggling to accept her words. Santana finally looked up at her.
"Rachel told me what happened tonight and …. I'm so mad. I'm just mad," Santana said as she sat on the steps.
"It's okay to be mad….unless you are so mad that you make ulcers…" Brittany trailed off. Not helping. "let's be mad together."
"I just need to pull it together. I need to have it together," Santana's voice was heartbreaking.
"No you don't, S," Brittany said quietly leaning close to her. "Not all the time and Rachel gets that. She's been through a lot, but she still knows you. She doesn't expect you to hold it together."
"Well, I do," Santana snapped. "I'm not going to let her down."
Santana put her hand on the step. It was loose. Santana never left her step this loose. She opened it. She and Brittany used to drink out front here all the time. The flask was slightly less full than it was when she first filled it.
"B, I have to go," Santana said quietly. She looked at the blonde. "Thanks for being so patient with me." Her voice trailed off.
"I always will be, but you can't keep running away when you think I can't handle it."
"Okay," Santana gave a nod and leaned in taking the blonde's lips in hers. She closed her eyes and let herself escape into the kiss. "Night," she finally said as she pulled away.
Rachel was still pushing the rice around her plate when Santana came into the room. Rachel saw that she looked annoyed with a side order of pissed. "When did you drink this?" Rachel looked like a deer in the headlights. How did she know? Rachel could see that she didn't even have a prayer when it came to lying to her.
"Friday night…. After Puck left."
"Puck?"
"He came looking for some honky tonk."
Santana arched a brow and cracked a smile.
"What did he say?"
"Just asked if I was okay and stuff." Rachel went back to pushing fod around on her plate.
"Why'd you drink it?" Santana asked as she sat on the bar stool next to Rachel.
"Why do you think?" Rachel asked her voice was more innocent than accusatory.
Santana sighed.
"I'm glad you didn't like it," Santana said hopefully. She took in her sister's appearance. This was closest she's been to Rachel enough to take in her facial features. "You haven't been sleeping, have you?"
Rachel could only nod and she turned back again and looked at her plate.
"You need to sleep, monkey," Santana said gently instinctively moving Rachel's hair out her face and she was relieved that she didn't jump.
"I don't know how to," Rachel's tiny voice trembled.
Santana pulled her into her arms and was thankful and surprised again that Rachel didn't flinch. She kissed her forehead gently. She cupped Rachel's face in her hands. "You'll always be safe in this house and in your bed. I can be with you the whole time if you need."
Rachel shook her head, realizing she had shared too much. "l'll be fine. I'll figure it out."
Santana gave a weak smile. "I know you will, monkey."
…
Rachel walked down the hall the before lunch searching for Kurt. It had taken every fiber of her being for her to shut all of her lights off and stay in her own bed last night. Maybe she had made a mistake being honest with Santana. After Santana had finally checked on her, she was able to retreat into her closet and turn the light on. She had read through the at least two literary classics by the time the sun came up. She had managed to avoid any slushies or confrontations all morning. She had no doubt that Santana and or Puck had threatened them.
She finally spotted Kurt and Blaine at the table. She waved and came over. Blaine smiled at her but Kurt was looking uncomfortable. Rachel was sure that Quinn told him about the run in yesterday after school and the slushie earlier that day. Blaine talked incessantly about something all throughout lunch and Rachel kept exchanging glances with a weary Kurt and Kurt kept meting those glancing and avoiding her eyes.
Kurt took a deep breath and interrupted Blaine. "Can I talk to you, Rachel?"
Rachel gave a slight nod, and Kurt could see that she was confused on what was happening. He had to tell her. He finally opened his mouth to speak but when he looked up to look into Rachel's eyes they were staring elsewhere. He followed her gaze and saw that Santana Brittany and Quinn were marching into the cafeteria with the rest of the Cheerios in tow. Quinn was back on the Cheerios?
"When did that happen?" Blaine asked as they all walked by. Apparently, they weren't the only one to notice that the Christ Crusader was back on Cheerios. The cafeteria seemed to stand still.
"She didn't mention anything this morning," Kurt thought out loud. He turned his attention back to Rachel. "I need to tell you something."
Rachel looked at him expectantly almost, but not quite, like she used to. He started to figure out how to form these words. He was nervous about what she was going to say, how she would react. Is it possible that this could make things worse?
"Kurt, spit it out," Rachel said with a slight smile. Kurt could see that she didn't know was to expect, but she was also sure that tit wouldn't make things worse.
"Remember awhile back you found me in the choir room and you touched up my face with your concealer?" Kurt watched as Rachel nodded. He wasn't sure what she was remembering but she was remembering something. "He beat me up that day, but he did something different. After I pushed him and verbally assaulted his intelligence and self-esteem, he… kissed me."
Kurt watched as Rachel looked at him in shock and then looked away. He had no idea what she was thinking. Tears started to well up in her eyes. Was she crying for him? Was she crying for her? Kurt honestly at a loss. He simply didn't know.
"Say something. Please," Kurt begged.
Rachel wiped the tears and came back from some place distant. She looked straight into Kurt's eyes. It was almost too much for him. "I'm sorry that happened to you, Kurt. That must be so confusing." Kurt could hear that her words were genuine and that's what was most challenging and heartbreaking. He needed Rachel to be angry with him. He needed her to tell him what was going on in her head. She instead simply gave a small smile. "Thanks for telling me." And dropped the topic.
…..
Quinn sat alone on the bench in the locker room waiting for practice to begin. It was the free period practice the one right after lunch. While they all did their typical loop around the cafeteria, she still was barely on good graces with Santana let alone the rest of the team. She despite having her 'power' back it was more symbolic than actual. Plus, Santana had told her to meet her here.
"Hey Crusader," a voice said drawing Quinn's attention from the floor.
"Hi S," she said quietly.
"We need to talk." Santana folded her arms and looked down at Quinn. Quinn knew that look, and she also knew that she should stay seated.
"What the fuck happened yesterday?" Santana asked angrily.
"I'm sorry. She was trying to make me feel better and I was jackass," Quinn started.
"That didn't exactly answer my question," Santana seethed.
Quinn gulped but then went into word for word detail about had happened between her and Rachel.
"Are you an idiot?" Santana bellowed. Quinn just looked at her.
"Yeah, I am. I'm seeing her next period in Spanish. I'm going to apologize. I promise." Quinn paused. "I feel terrible about what happened afterward. When I saw you guys coming back …. I didn't…." Quinn trailed off. She knew she should have gone after Rachel yesterday, but she didn't have it in her. Santana had scolded her and explained what had happened quickly when she told Quinn to meet her here.
"Yeah, you didn't. Pack it in, Q," Santana's fierce tone was less fierce, but still warning. "I know you're going through something, but…. "
"I get it," Quinn interjected. "I know."
She was surprised but Santana sat next to her. They in silence for a bit. Quinn really was uncomfortable with what was happening. What was happening?
"Why didn't you tell me that something happened to Rachel in the hallway?"
Quinn tried not to stare at Santana. Where was this question coming from? Quinn had to really think back at that question. Why didn't she say anything?
"Rachel didn't want me to," Quinn started. "I found her crying in the hallway. I didn't know what to think or do. I knew something might have happened, but I guess I didn't want to believe it….."
Quinn saw Santana's head turn and look angrily at her. "You should have told me!"
"Trust me, S, I know," Quinn's voice was heartbroken. It was as if Santana saw for the first time that others were feeling guilty too.
"How did you get back on the Cheerios anyway?" Santana asked trying to break the mood.
"You don't know?" Quinn asked confused.
"Well, I know that you took Christine Mitchell's spot, but I don't know how."
"Well, I simply told Coach about ass lift this summer," Quinn said trying to contain a smirk.
"You serious?"
"Yup."
A silence fell on them again. Santana still pictured finding Quinn under the bleachers. She couldn't get that picture out of her head, and she especially couldn't get that surge of panic out of her head when she thought the same thing had happened to Quinn that had happened to Rachel. Finding Rachel was the most horrible thing that had happened to Santana. She couldn't tell Quinn that she had thought and feared that she had failed again when she found her under the bleachers. She just couldn't.
"Did you know that 60% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported to the police?"
Quinn's words made her stop.
"Yeah, actually I did," Santana said relaxing into the bench and leaning against the lockers behind her.
"None of this is fair," Santana heard Quinn said staring down at the ground.
"Nothing ever is, Q." Quinn saw that Santana's gaze was fixed and she could see that this wasn't the first time that life had robbed her. And Quinn didn't know what to say so she looked away and stared back down at the ground.
"Well, thanks, Q." Santana said as she stood up. "Let me know what happens with Rachel okay?"
Rachel sat in Spanish early. She couldn't get Kurt's words out of her head. She realized at that point that she didn't ask why. She hadn't asked herself why Karofsky had chosen her. She hadn't asked why. Was it because of Kurt? She thought it was because of Santana….His violence came from his rage. Was he hurting her to suppress all of that inner turmoil he was feeling?... Rachel felt her chest heave. It was never about her, was it? It was about everyone around her. Her chest tightened she was angry and sad, but she felt something more than that. Kurt had talked about a score that needed to be settled in the hospital…. This was the score. She couldn't share anymore about what happened to anyone. Because maybe they were right…. It was their fault. And Rachel wasn't going to tell them that.
She didn't hear the bell rang nor did she really notice Quinn sit next to her.
"Hey, Rach," Quinn said quietly trying to get her attention.
"Hi," she replied distantly. "When did you get back on the Cheerios?"
"Today."
Rachel looked at her hard. Quinn was going through a lot. However, Rachel knew that her retreat back to the Cheerios was a safety blanket. She knew that it was for Santana, but it was even more so to Quinn. Rachel felt a pang in her chest. "Are you allowed to sit with me?"
Rachel watched as Quinn looked surprised at her words. "Rachel, we're friends. Of course I am. Plus your sister is head cheerleader." Quinn paused. "I want to say that I'm sorry about yesterday." Rachel looked at her and Quinn could see that she was confused. Quinn went on, "For saying what I said on the bleachers." Quinn watched as Rachel gave a small nod.
"I know. It's okay. I know you didn't mean to."
"It's not okay," Quinn said. "But thanks for forgiving me." She looked at Rachel closely. "Your support lately really means a lot. I hope you know that"
Rachel just nodded. She knew that Quinn was her friend., but then how could she explain the feeling in her chest that made her feel slightly abandoned?
…
Karofsky was fuming. This school was crawling with fags, he thought. It was like a gay fucking parade. He spotted his prize brunette speed walking down the hall.
When Quinn arrived at Glee and the choir room was already filled with people. People that she didn't know. Brittany waved her over. There were many members in the room that she didn't know. Santana was sitting on the other side of Brittany and shot her a look, and Quinn nodded confirming that the talk with Rachel went well.
"Welcome everyone!" Mr. Schuester bellowed as if he were at the circus. "I am proud to announce the first official scrimmage!" Quinn grimaced slightly at the excited applause. Maybe they were at the circus. Quinn looked around. Where was Rachel?
….
Rachel needed to get out of the school. It was all too much. She needed something to distract her. She just couldn't do this. Not today. She brought out her phone to text Santana to tell her she was fine. She knew Santana would flip when she didn't show up at Glee. She started to text her as she walked down the now empty hallway. She suddenly felt a hand cover her mouth and an arm grip her around the waist and she was pulled back into one of the janitor's closets.
…
Mr. Schuster was talking but Santana couldn't hear him. She was staring at the door. Where the hell was she? She had been texting her. Nothing. Fuck! Santana mumbled. Rachel was two minutes late. Two minutes. What could happen in two minutes?
Brittany and Quinn watched Santana get up from her seat and walk with focused strides toward the door. Brittany knew where she was going and simply took Quinn's hand and they followed her. Santana had stopped and was staring down the blank hall. Brittany let go of Quinn and approached the Latina carefully.
"I don't know where to start. I don't know where to look."
….
Karofsky brought his hands under Rachel's skirt. He was still unable to muffle her sobs enough. She was fighting more than she had in the auditorium. He leaned against her smashing her into the wall. "Shut up, midget! Or your sister is next." He watched in satisfaction as Rachel silently cried letting her body grow limp. "Good girl. Now hold still." He put his hand into her panties and dipped it down cupping her in the front. She let out a whimper. "You like it you whore." He plunged three fingers in this time causing Rachel to scream under his hand. He smiled in satisfaction. "I told you this would never be over." His ears suddenly perked up when he heard voices in the hallway. "Not a sound," he husked into her ear. "Or I will kill you here and now." The voices died away. "I will kill her if you say anything." Rachel nodded into his rough palm that he had covering her mouth.
He released her from his grip and let her straighten her clothes and he released her into the hallway. She was leaning against one of the lockers with her arms folded over her chest and her forehead against the close steel when she felt someone's hand on her should. She jumped. Santana, Brittany and Quinn were all staring at her. Their eyes full of fear and their brows etched with worry. She finally noticed that Santana's mouth was moving and that the noise that filled her ears were actual words.
"-you can't just not show up," Santana's voice said.
Rachel shook her head and focused on what was in front of her to the best of her ability.
"I know, I'm sorry," she mumbled. "Come on we're late for glee."
The four of them took their seats together in the back. Mr. Schuester was still in the middle of his boring speech. Rachel had her arms still folded tightly around her body. She was still shaken about what had just happened. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She could feel the girls' eyes on her, but she just couldn't deal with that right now. She tried to focus on Mr. Schuester. She couldn't really hear what was going on. She felt a nudge to her arm.
"Pretty boring, huh?" said a voice. Rachel turned her head and noticed she was sitting next to a boy that she didn't know. She looked around the room. There were tons of people in here she didn't know. What was going on? The boy straightened and gave her a grin. "How rude of me." He smiled a bigger grin and held out his hand. "I'm Jesse, Jesse St. James."
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