14
Window Reflections
The Artful Dodger
Amanda leaned against the kitchen counter and let her eyes focus on some spot outside the kitchen window. Going out to dinner with Lee had been a nice way to spend the evening especially after the events of the past few days. Life sure had become even more complex after she had ended the relationship with Dean. Here she had thought that had been a complexity in her life, but maybe it had actually been easier. Dean had been so simple, so predictable, and so safe. Without him as a fixture in her personal life she was cast into what she was discovering were some choppy seas. If she had thought that working for the Agency was a dangerous adventure, the dating world was proving to be almost equally as dangerous, especially when you worked for the Agency.
Oh gosh! Who would have thought that a man with such impeccable manners and as attentive as Allen Squires would actually have orchestrated meeting her in such an innocent way in order to infiltrate the Agency and use her to compromise national security! Was she really that vulnerable? Was she really that naïve? These thoughts suddenly made Amanda feel very insecure and she gripped the edge of the counter as though it would support her. She had never considered this before. There was her personal life and then there was her life at the Agency; they had always been separate in her mind. Of course there were times when she had thought about Lee and had wondered if there ever would be a chance that the two could ever mix. But it had never occurred to her that someone would use her personal life to get to the Agency. How did a person involved with Agency safely navigate both?
Why had it not occurred to her that someone might use her because of her job at the Agency? That was kind of like what Eva had done, wasn't it? Maybe that was part of what had caused Lee to be so angry during this whole thing? That thought began to crystalize in her mind. Ever since the events with Eva she had suspected that Lee might have needed some affirmation, everybody did at different points in their life. But after the experience of being used that she just had and how insecure about herself she felt afterwards, it occurred to her that maybe he also needed to find a way to express the anger he felt towards himself at allowing himself to be used. Maybe some of his anger and uptightness this week towards her was kind of a projection of his own feelings towards himself.
Really he had been awful to her from the beginning of the case and she had tried to be gracious with him. But his outburst after they had discovered the bug had felt like a personal attack, it had hurt. How was she supposed to have known that Allen was "the Dodger"? Or that the ring he had given her had contained a bug? And when she had discovered it she had felt truly awful about it and she had sincerely apologized, but it seemed that Lee had only gotten angrier. She really could have used some of that affirmation that she was trying to project. But even though his anger should have caused her to feel cold towards him, it had had the opposite effect. It had made her more compassionate. Why did she react that way towards him? She remembered that earlier that day when Allen had finally been stopped, Amanda hadn't cared at all that in front of her was a man that had betrayed and used her. She wouldn't ever give Allen Squires another thought other than to make sure she was more careful with her personal life. All that she was aware of was that Lee's mouth was bleeding and it needed some attention.
Even after this crazy week and all it had contained; the Agency being accused of setting up a faulty security system, finding a man dead in his apartment, national security being compromised because of her, a gentleman friend being revealed as an international thief and using her, her "partner" berating her for her naiveté, … gosh, what a week! Even after all this it was enjoyable to be back at Le Trianon, this time with Lee. It had been nice to be at a table with her friend, even if he could barely sip soup and preferred to eat jello. Allen Squires had pretended to be attentive to her and dazzle her and for a moment she had been taken in by it. On the other hand, even though it seemed that it wasn't natural for him, she could sense that Lee Stetson's attentiveness was sincere. It was obvious that he hadn't had much practice in apologies and he didn't really know how to say sorry, but she knew that he was, for everything. In that moment, as she stared out her kitchen window, Amanda realized that in this friendship with Lee she somehow felt safe and that was all that was necessary to quell the feelings of vulnerability that had been trying to invade her during this last case.
