Disclaimer: I do not own anything that belongs to anyone else, including but not limited to Marvel, Disney, J.K. Rowling, DC, Jane Austen, and Emily Brontë.
Can't believe I've never said this before, but the opinions of these characters do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the author. Please do not give me grief about anything these people say about Harry Potter.
Hill regarded the piece of paper next to her keyboard with suspicion. She leaned over the desk to read it without picking it up.
Dear Agent Hill,
You are cordially invited to a night out with the classiest badasses in New York (ie Agent Romanoff, Ms. Potts, and Dr. Foster) and me next Saturday, barring any work-related incidents. RSVP to any of us, or, if you feel like annoying Agent Coulson, check yes or no and give this back to him to deliver.
Looking forward to seeing you,
Darcy Lewis
That was…unexpected.
She didn't immediately recognize the name at the bottom of the note, nor the handwriting, so she ran a quick search. Ms. Lewis had been Jane Foster's research assistant during the New Mexico incident. The photo attached to the file was from her driver's license; Agent Hill got a pretty good idea of what kind of driver she was from the picture. She considered the invitation for a moment. She didn't have much of a social life outside of work, and for good reason; but if everyone in attendance was privy to at least the existence of alien life on Earth and—she checked a few more files—the secret identities of most, if not all, of the Avengers, then it would be easier to socialize with that common ground. She didn't notice Coulson behind her until he spoke.
"My advice is to accept, Agent Hill," he said.
Her head snapped up. "How's that?"
"Ms. Lewis can be most insistent." Coulson inclined his head to one side a fraction, clearly speaking from experience. His approval assuaged some of her misgivings—until she heard him say under his breath, "You're better off just agreeing to whatever she asks, while she's asking nicely." Then he was gone before she had the chance to ask what he meant.
Hill looked at the picture on her monitor with no small measure of incredulity. She didn't doubt the young woman in the picture could make a nuisance of herself. Hill considered a moment further; it wasn't often she was invited places, and if Romanoff was going to be there, it wouldn't be unbearable. She hoped.
Agent Romanoff gave her the details of time and place that afternoon.
On the night, she picked an emerald top and a pair of dark jeans, and enjoyed the feeling of not having her hair pinned up in that bun. At the same time she felt a little silly, dressed up like this, and a bit exposed, even though her present outfit fit less snugly than her uniform. What she wore to work offered more in the way of protection and opportunity for concealment, though. She checked the contents of her purse—lip gloss, comb, keys, money, phone, credentials, pistol—then snapped it shut.
Round One
As she walked into the bar Darcy said, "Wow. Agent Hill is a secret hottie."
Natasha made the introductions, sticking to first names. They certainly were a striking group of women, Maria thought while looking around the table at them, even more than the average gathering of stylish female Manhattanites. To an observer they must have looked like an assembly of model stereotypes: tall, fair Pepper; cool, mysterious Natasha; petite, delicate Jane; full-lipped, exuberant Darcy. Despite their outward appearances, Maria had a good idea that anyone who tried to harass any of these women in any way would be in for a rather unpleasant surprise.
"Nice necklace," she told Darcy, whose cheeks pinked as she touched the star and thanked Maria.
"It reminds her of her boyfriend," Pepper teased, and Jane giggled.
"Hey!" Darcy pointed from Jane to Pepper and back. "You two have no room to talk."
Pepper's hand clasped the rose-gold bangle on her wrist. "It's a safety precaution," she protested. She turned to Maria, twisting the bracelet off, and explained, "There's a GPS tracker and a transmitter in it; if I'm in trouble I can send a distress signal by using my thumbprint." Maria peered at the inside of the bangle, where a darker spot indicated the print-reader. Stark's technology really was amazing.
"Mmhmm," Darcy replied, unimpressed.
"And if I recall correctly, he gave you something, too," Pepper pointed out.
"See, you left it so wide open that it would just be too easy to make a joke," Darcy lamented, rooting through her purse.
"Isn't that a shame." Pepper looked anything but sorry.
"It's definitely the best phone I've ever owned, though. And the customer service plan is unparalleled." Darcy clicked a few buttons on said phone and then stood and backed away from the table. "Everybody smile and say cheese."
It took a few tries to get a picture everyone approved of, but eventually Darcy sat down again. "There. Sent to all the boys, J, and Phil. And that's the last text." She slid the phone back into her purse.
Jane looked smug. "I'm not wearing anything my boyfriend gave me."
Darcy hissed, "Tramp stamp." Jane's expression turned to one of shock as a hand flew to the small of her back.
"Do you have a tattoo, Jane?" Pepper demanded.
"You brat," she huffed at Darcy. Then she turned away from the table and pulled her shirt up and pushed her skirt down to show them. The dark red tattoo looked like a particularly spiky snowflake or an asterisk gone wild. She spoke over her shoulder. "It's the least romantic-looking thing possible, I know. But it's supposedly a charm of protection to keep you safe in battle." She dropped her shirt and shrugged, slightly uncomfortable at the scrutiny.
"Coming from Thor, that's pretty damn romantic," Natasha said.
Jane thought about it for a moment and then said, "Yeah, I guess it is." A smile crept onto her face.
"What's your boyfriend's name, Darcy?" Maria asked.
Darcy gave her a weird look. "Steve," she answered slowly, cutting her eyes to Natasha, who shrugged.
"Are you in a relationship, Maria?" Pepper asked, ever tactful.
"No. The job doesn't make it easy."
"Welcome to the club," Pepper said, raising her drink. "Where the motto is 'I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.'"
"To secrets and lies," Natasha toasted, and they clinked their glasses together and drank deeply.
Round Two
"I hate drinking margaritas in public," Jane said agitatedly. In total defiance of her words, she took a sip of her drink.
"Then why did you order one?" Pepper wondered.
"Because I love margaritas. But if you go into a bar and order one it's like announcing to the world that because you're a woman, the only way you can handle your alcohol is in a neon drink with an umbrella in it." She snatched the umbrella out and crumpled it up before tossing it on the floor. "Margaritas aren't even supposed to have umbrellas in them."
"Preach!" Darcy cried.
"If they play any ABBA, I'm leaving," Maria declared, shaking her head.
"What's wrong with ABBA?" Natasha asked. She sounded slightly hurt.
"We're not in a chick flick. There will be no montage of us dancing or having a pillow fight or getting a makeover; therefore there is no need for ABBA."
"I like ABBA."
They all stared at her at this revelation. She shrugged. "Maybe it's a European thing."
"And we're not going to sit around complaining about men, either."
"Or our weight," Jane added. Darcy concurred with a curse.
"To defying stereotypes!"
Round Three
"So. Read any good books recently?" Darcy asked, looking around the table. The others all shook their heads. "This is a little sad. Do we really have nothing in common besides that one thing?" They looked at each other and shook their heads again. "Fine. Everybody go around and say one thing about yourself that we don't know."
"I'm allergic to strawberries," Pepper offered. Maria and Natasha exchanged looks, and Pepper sighed. "I should've realized you'd know that. Okay, I…first got drunk on cherry schnapps at my high school boyfriend's parents' New Years Eve party, and threw up in an aquarium. And if you already knew that about me, then I feel sorry for you."
Natasha said, "I know how to knit. But don't ask me to make you anything, because I'm not very good at it. I only do it when I get really bored on a job."
"And the needles have other uses as well, I'm sure," Pepper said. There was an 'of course' on Natasha's face at that.
Maria took a moment to consider. Natasha knew a bit about her from work, but nothing pertinent to this kind of interaction. She'd spent so long working for SHIELD that she automatically thought of the least intimate details she could reveal, like where she bought her top; even in this group she wouldn't talk about allergies or weaknesses or her upbringing or anything that could be used against her. The briefest thought told her how sad it was that her guardedness extended even to these people who so clearly meant her no harm. She could have lied (though Natasha might have been able to catch her), but she chose, deliberately, to tell the truth, even if it was a relatively inconsequential truth.
"My favorite movie of all time is 'Top Gun.'"
"That's on the list! Come to movie night and watch it with us."
"You have movie night? The Av—all of you?" Maria looked from Pepper, lovely inviting Pepper, who nodded, to Natasha, giving her an amused look.
"Team building and acclimation to modern culture," she said coolly.
"Tony's got the best home theater system outside of Skywalker Ranch, probably. It's better than going to the actual theater."
"I think we need to have brownies next time. Darce, if you give me your mom's recipe, I'll make them."
"Nuh-uh. You don't have the secret Lewis touch. I'll do 'em."
"Is the 'secret Lewis touch' alcohol?" Natasha guessed.
"Surprisingly, no, but that's a very good idea."
"You better like brownies, Maria, because I don't think we can be friends if you don't. Especially not Darcy's mom's brownies."
Pepper tutted at them. "Talking about recipes and the necessity of chocolate in female friendship? Party foul."
"Damn. Quick, Jane, say your thing and make sure it's really manly."
"I was planning to say that I took ballet when I was little. I wanted to be a ballerina until our field trip to the planetarium in third grade. Sorry. Science is manly, though, right?"
"Right. No women in science."
"Marie Curie who?"
"Ada Lovelace? Rosalind Franklin? Nope."
"Team Science is strictly male, thank you."
"I'm kind of scared about what Darcy's thing is. I already know too much about her, so it's got to be something weird."
"No," Pepper said, mildly reproachful, "be nice. It won't be weird."
Darcy agreed. "It's really not. I broke my leg snowboarding senior year of high school. I was trying to impress a guy, and it didn't really work. But," she said, shaking a finger, "I learned an important life lesson."
"Not to pursue men you have to be someone you're not to impress?"
"I was going to say that Vicodin is the best, but sure, that too." She grinned.
Round Four
"Screw, marry or kill: Batman, Superman, and Robin."
"Those are fictional characters."
"Yes, Captain Obvious, I'm glad you recognize that. It doesn't matter. Go."
"Is it even possible to kill Superman?"
"Kryptonite," Maria said confidently.
"Is Robin legal? I'd hate to have to kill him based on that alone. I guess marry Robin, kill Batman, and screw Superman?"
"I thought you'd marry Batman, since he's just like Tony."
Pepper looked aghast. "He's not like Tony at all!"
"He's like Tony without the sense of humor," Darcy clarified. There was a quiet moment as they all considered Tony Stark in those terms. Natasha tossed back the rest of her drink at the thought of such a thing.
"I've got one," Maria said. "Harry, Ron, Hermione."
"Ooh, excellent choice."
Darcy shuddered. "Ugh, can you imagine if someone killed Harry? Everybody would be freaking out because the savior of the wizarding world had been killed."
"I say kill Ron" was Natasha's answer.
Pepper frowned. "He's a Weasley, though! That poor family has been through enough already."
"Harry and Hermione are almost as much a part of the family as the rest of them. You can't take that into consideration."
"I love that none of us thought for a minute about killing Hermione," Darcy said gleefully. "Screw her, marry Ron, kill Harry."
Natasha's vote was to kill Ron, screw Harry, and marry Hermione, and Maria agreed. Pepper remained adamant about not killing another Weasley and sided with Darcy's assessment. Jane finally admitted that she had only seen the first two movies and so didn't know enough about any of the characters to decide, nor did she really care about them.
"So how about Mr. Darcy, Mr. Rochester, or Heathcliff?" Pepper offered.
Darcy booed. "Death to all of them."
"You have to decide."
"Kill Heathcliff. I guess screw Mr. Rochester and marry Mr. Darcy."
"Then your name would be Darcy Darcy," Natasha pointed out. Jane got the hiccups from laughing at that.
Round Five
"I'm sorry, you guys, but I love all your boyfriends," Darcy confessed. "All of them." She looked around the table at the other women, none of whom were shocked by the revelation.
"And they love you," Pepper said.
"I know. I'm sorry about that, too." She cocked her head and then corrected herself. "No, I'm not, actually. Not at all. But if it makes you feel better, I love all of you guys."
"Tell us something we don't know," Natasha said, patting Darcy on the back. In return she dropped her head onto Natasha's shoulder.
"I know that's crazy assassin talk for 'We love you, too.'"
Round Six
Maria waited to order another round at the bar, one hip leaned against it. She watched an attractive man with sandy blond hair and a dark suit approach a woman at the other end of the bar. The man had an easy grin as he asked a question; when the woman answered, he swirled his hands in the air and sparks appeared, and he held up his hand to display something written on his palm. The young woman squealed and clapped her hands, and the man stepped closer, looking pleased. Maria shook her head, glad that he hadn't tried that on her. Even from this distance the sparks had startled her and she'd reached for her hip, forgetting that she wasn't wearing her holster.
When the waiter brought over the drinks—a margarita, a Malibu and Coke, a dry martini, a Cosmopolitan, and a concoction of apple juice and some obscure Polish vodka—Jane said, "Hey! Can you take a picture of us? We need one with Darcy in it."
He took Darcy's phone and moved away as they arranged themselves. Darcy wrapped her arms around Natasha, pinning her arms to her sides. Pepper had one arm around Natasha's shoulders and the other around Jane's waist. Jane stood on her toes with her arms around Pepper's and Maria's shoulders.
As he lined up the shot, the waiter asked politely, "How do you all know each other?"
"We're sorority sisters," Natasha answered, mostly straight-faced. Pepper giggled.
When he returned the phone, Darcy didn't immediately put it back into her purse, but started tapping at it. "What are you doing, lapushka? I thought you said no more texting."
"I wanna send Uncle Phil a message."
"Is it an emergency?"
"No." She looked up at Natasha seriously. "But it's important."
Jane intervened. "Darcy, recite." Her former intern obediently began listing elements from the periodic table along with their atomic numbers.
"If she can go the first three rows, she's still competent enough for the phone. If she can't get them, she has to name all the presidents in order. No elements, no presidents, no phone."
Darcy made a few mistakes with the elements, but succeeded in listing all of the presidents, although, as Maria pointed out, the proof only worked if the person listening also knew the elements and the presidents. Darcy grinned knowingly.
Given permission, she typed her message with painstaking care. Would u rather have both m&f parts or no parts AT ALL?
A moment later the response came, and Darcy giggled. Hermaphrodite. Don't drink too much.
She texted back a row of hearts.
Maria looked around at the people in the bar. She didn't get out much—most of her time was spent with a grumpy man with only one eye, or doing endless reams of paperwork in triplicate—but she knew pretty well when someone was prevaricating, and the people around her were all presenting façades to the world. They were pretending to be more successful or more interesting or more desirable or more content with their lives than they really were.
Then she looked at the women, confident and happy, sitting with her, and knew she could not have handpicked a better group, because she wouldn't have known before tonight that these were the type of people she'd like to spend time with. She couldn't complain too much about the disadvantages of her career; she'd chosen it, and felt the importance of her work made up for any drawbacks. But she was grateful for the chance to be Maria instead of Agent Hill, even if only for one evening.
"To the real thing," she said to herself as they all drained their drinks.
Pepper went outside to call the car and Natasha went to take care of the bill. Maria very carefully checked all around their table to make sure no one had left anything as Jane helped Darcy up, slipping their arms around each other in a way that suggested this was not the first time they'd managed drunken escapades together. The three made their way slowly out of the bar.
"Are we going back to the tower?" Darcy asked, slumping heavily against Jane.
"Nope. We're going back to your apartment, remember? I'm going to spend the night."
"Am I gonna get lucky?" She leered at the other woman, who shook her head.
"No, but if we're both lucky you won't throw up on me again."
Darcy waved loosely. "That only happened once." They joined Pepper and after a moment Darcy asked, "Can I call Steve and tell him good night?"
"No, babe, he's probably asleep now."
"Even if he is, he doesn't mind being woken up in the middle of the night." She turned to the others and dared them suggestively, "Ask me how I know that."
"We get the picture," Maria assured her.
"He doesn't like sleeping anyway. He totally wouldn't care if I went over there right now."
"We're going to stick to the plan where I keep you company, okay?"
"It's a dumb plan. You just don't want me to get any because you're not getting any because Lightning McQueen is back home." Her fingers fluttered toward the sky above them.
"If I have to be involuntarily celibate, so should you."
"What kind of idiot doesn't like sleeping?" Maria demanded of the world at large, offended by the mere idea that someone who could sleep would choose not to.
Darcy squinted at her through the glare of a passing car's headlights. "The kind of idiot who slept for 70 years," she explained as if to a small child.
"Your boyfriend Steve is that Steve? Captain...Steve?" She blamed her surprise on the alcohol.
"My one and only." Darcy raised the arm not wrapped around Jane's shoulders. "High five?"
Maria also blamed the fact that she actually had to think about it on the alcohol. It was weird to think about Captain America dating anyone, let alone sleeping with anyone; but maybe if she knew him as Steve rather than the Captain it would be different. And she liked Darcy. As Maria thought these things, Darcy said, "Don't tell me you wouldn't tap that if you had the chance."
Despite what some junior members of SHIELD believed, Maria was, in fact, human. "Well..." She shrugged and grinned sheepishly at Darcy, who took the idea of other people lusting after her boyfriend in stride.
"High five!" This time they did.
The town car pulled up and Jane pulled upon the door to get Darcy in. There wasn't really enough room for all of them, Maria noticed, even if the car did have a wide backseat. "We won't all fit. I'll get a cab."
"Don't be ridiculous," Pepper said, businesslike. "Jane can sit on Darcy's lap."
"I was gonna make her, anyway!" Darcy called from within.
"It's no problem…"
Natasha looked back from where she stood by the front passenger door. In a tone that brooked no argument she said, "Maria, we're not going to leave you here. Get in the car."
She sighed and ducked into the car, where Jane was already on Darcy's knees. Pepper got in next to her and closed the door, and Natasha in the front let the driver know they were ready. The radio was playing softly, and after a moment Natasha started to chuckle. She asked permission of the driver before twisting the volume up, and the strains of "Mamma Mia" filled the car. Everyone in the backseat groaned, and Natasha laughed triumphantly.
On Monday morning Agent Hill picked up the note Coulson had left on her desk.
Hey Maria,
"Top Gun" and brownies next Wednesday night. Be there or be square.
Kisses,
Darcy
She smiled and made a note to find her aviators.
