The truth is, this is where the happy little story you've read starts to disappear. The truth is, by the end of this, you're going to hate me. The truth is, you're going to see how fucked up Hibi-chan truly is, and in retrospect, you're going to wonder how in the hell I come up with these twisted ideas. The truth is, this is where shit gets real. Now, if that's not enough of a warning label, I don't know what is! So no one better tell me later on that they hate me for making them sad, haha. I'm in a sort of surreal mood right now. My life is getting real. Today I read an entire book, worked most of the day, gave money to a hobo, and dropped my sister off at a strip club to work. The truth is, this isn't the first time she's been a stripper. The truth is, I never wanted her to have to do it again. Either way, I'm off tomorrow, and you know I like to spoil you with updates. I really love to write, especially when I'm in surreal moods. The words pour out more evenly. All of you are so sweet to me, and the truth is, I don't deserve it. So, in reward, here's my love to you that you can't cash in, but you can wrap around yourself like a blanket and know someone, somewhere, loves you. TooLazyToLogin, I knew it! And I love you too! Paranormal Alchemist, you can't handle heartbreak? Oh dear. I suggest exiting this story! Of course, I don't want you to. But I don't want you to cry yourself to sleep at night, haha. erihan, Delic does get around. I guess that's why I like writing him so much. incidentalmusic, wait...you're saying days where you wake up to no updates are better than days where you do get updates? Ow, my soul, haha. KarakadeVantas, I'm sorry, but the fluff is almost over. It's time! Logic Dive, everything you guessed is cold except for one thing. If you can guess, I'll tell you~. I accept your love and nuzzles and cookies! jusqualafin, wait...I'm having the babies? If you make me hormonal and pregnant, you're giving me foot massages and telling me I'm pretty. I love you too! PaperHeadPhones, Shinra? Oh, I write him alright because he's a nerd like me. I find it's best to make him rant, talk about science, and be creepy in his own way. I've really noticed that I reinvented Hibi-chan for this story. Haha, that's alright though. MitsukiMadara, you can guess! I like to hear what you think is going to be wrong. BlueRoseDream, I think we all love smut. I know I do! It used to bother me to write it, but now it's pretty natural. Shiroi Hana, I know! I saw it an immediately wanted a Fanta just so I could picture Izaya gyrating his hips. KoolaidShipping, you've noticed Hibi-chan is giving into addiction issues! Pudding for you! Guest 1, lol, I love The Foo Fighters! Burning-Petals, I do love when everyone is drunk, haha. Guest 2, ah, the nightmare. Really, I didn't mention it on purpose. It was so you'd scroll up, thinking you'd missed it, when it was never there. I like to troll, what can I say? Haha, I'm glad you love it though! Thanks so much for reading! The truth is, this A/N is over. The truth is, on with the story!


Crashing

We're jumping backwards again. In all honesty, this story starts before Delic. It starts before Hibiya knew anyone. It starts with only the Oriharas, in their mansion full of hate.

Hibiya sat on his little sister's bed. She was sick again. This time, he's only 13. The little girl's dark hair is braided, her face is flushed, and her eyes are glazed. Hibiya, in all his 13 year old logic, thinks she's dying.

"Hibiyaaaaaaaa," she whines, "It hurts so bad..."

"Where? Where does it hurt? Tell me and I'll make you better," Hibiya said quietly.

The truth is, he was trying to pray she would get better, but he forgot how to pray. He stopped the first time his father stuck his hand in his pants and stroked himself at the same time. He forgot how to ask for help from a higher being, when it was never granted.

Really, we only pray when we want something. We're such frivolous beings. No wonder God tuned him out.

Anyway, back to the present. Well, as present as a flashback can be.

"Everywhere," Mairu cried, "Everywhere at once."

Hibiya looked at her, frail, sobbing, pitiful. He looked at her, knowing she felt how he felt. Broken, useless, but for different reasons.

Mairu could never lead a full life, as easily as she got sick. They all knew that, aside from 3 year old Mairu. She would know someday. And her world could crash down then.

Right now, all she knows is that she hurts. And any 3 year old will look to an older person to make it better. Now, like every other time in her life thus far, Hibiya is the only older one around her. She clings to him, crying, pitiful. He feels how she looks.

The truth is, he's trying to remember how to pray. He's thinking in his head that is only Mairu's immune system could bet stronger, he would consider going to church more.

Because we only pray when we want something. We only pray for acceptance.

Mairu cries again, her face turning red. Hibiya frowns as he feels her forehead.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Mairu. I never get sick, and here you are, always sick. It's unfair," he says.

"Do... Do you think Mother and Father care that I'm sick?" Mairu asks, still pitiful. Still sad enough to make Hibiya talk to God in his head, quietly Sad enough to make him believe maybe God will answer him this time.

"What do you mean? Of course they do," he lies to her.

"Father... He hates me..."

"He does not hate you. Father is just busy."

"He's never too busy...for you..."

Dear God, please, please, please...

"You don't want Father taking an interest in you," he says, "It's not right. It'll never be alright. You're better off this way."

Better off crying, pitiful, sick.

"I'm not..."

He takes her tiny hand in his. You know the hand I mean. The one that can never truly wrap around your own hand, because it's too small. The hand that only a year or two ago, could only hold one finger at a time. She holds it as firmly as she can, and she turns her tear-stained eyes to him.

"I promise, Mairu. One day, you'll be better. One day...we'll both leave. We can have everything, together. And you'll never have to wonder whether or not I love you."

And Mairu, in all her 3 year old logic, she nods, falling into a fitful sleep.

Dear God, please, please, please...

Save me.


The weeks since the gig have been wonderful. Really superb. I can't ask to be more happy than I am now.

I think to myself, where's Mairu?

Delic and I seem to have more sex than we know what to do with. He thinks I'm turning into a nympho too. The endorphins from sex, they're great. They make me escape my problems. Delic's manhood, his fingers, his tongue, they're all my tools to escape.

And mine are his.

I love Delic. I love him more than I've ever loved anything.

I think to myself, what about Mairu?

Delic has steady gigs now. He has more of a fanbase than ever. He's getting to the point where soon, he can just play his bass full time, and quit bartending.

"It's a dream," he says.

We laugh together, because we always laugh together. Delic looks at me with his pink orbs full of love, my golden eyes filled with worship back at him. We lose ourselves in hazy pleasure, forgetting the world outside.

With Delic, there's no such thing as a single orgasm.

With me, there's no such thing as not begging.

Together, we're a surreal mesh of sadist and masochist, S&M. Together, we like to use our bodies as tools to ward off our self-destruction. Together, he's never been called a whore, and I've never had my cock stroked by my father.

One thing I haven't told Delic, something you're going to get mad at me for, I'm sure, is that I need my meds.

You've forgotten by now, haven't you? You've forgotten that I'm bipolar, possibly shell shocked too. Of course, shell shocked is the old term. Now it's called PTSD, but I like granny terms.

I need them, I think. My moods go from crazy happy, to horny, to sad, to fine in less than 10 minutes. Delic has no clue. I hide it from him.

He doesn't need to know that I'm more ruined than I let on.

Something else. I don't like my thought process recently. These are the thoughts I used to drink to drown out. These thoughts, they scream in my head. They tell me all the time that I'm useless, worthless, trash. Things I know that Delic doesn't want me to know.

You're thinking that I need help. You're thinking that I should tell Delic. You're thinking, this is the ranting of a mad man?

They're not. I'm Hibiya Orihara, and I'm ruined.

Nice to meet you.

You're thinking, we've met before.

I'm thinking, where's Mairu?

Delic looks at me as I sip my coffee. I'm off today, because it's Sunday, and Delic is off because he only works two nights a week at the bar now. Sal is such a good little bitch.

"Are you alright?" Delic asks. "You look really tired."

I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. My thoughts won't let me.

"I'm fine," I say, "I had some nightmares."

I have no reason to be so depressed. I know this. It's not like I had to drop out of school like Erika. It's not like I have to babysit a brat like Delic does. It's not like I disappeared like Mairu did.

And I think to myself, where's Mairu?

The truth is, we only pretend to be fine. Think about it, when was the last time you were really yourself? When could you truly let your thoughts out, show your face, be yourself? You're always someone else for someone else. You're never who you want to be. You can never forget your past, or plan your future. You can never be who you want.

And Delic says, "Chibiya."

I wear my masks. Even for Delic, I wear them. I find it easier than being myself. My ugly brat self, who wants attention, even if I have to tolerate my father's hands in my boxers to have it.

"Chibiya."

I do love Delic. And I'm so happy. Why am I so sad right now?

All of a sudden, I feel fine again. I realize it's not the end of the world, and I realize I have coffee in my hands. Why was I upset?

"Chibiya!"

"Hmm?"

"...You're not alright," Delic sighs, feeling my forehead. "Are you feeling sick again?"

You're thinking, tell him.

You're thinking, he's your lover. Tell him.

I'm thinking, fuck no.

"I'm fine, love. Just tired. I like to daydream when I'm tired."

He touches my hand across the table. We're drinking inside so we can observe the scenery. We're at a different coffee shop, one that's open on Sundays. They have even crazier drinks than we do at Deborah's. I'm drinking something with espresso, chocolate, and whipped cream in it. I hate sweet stuff, but the espresso masks it nicely.

Delic has a smoothie. He's so healthy these days. It's like we've switched places. It makes me think something is wrong.

"I love you," I tell him. I love to see his face light up when I tell him this. He smiles widely at me, pulling my hand more into his. He kisses my fingers over the top of his smoothie. I grin wickedly and dip them into my whipped cream. He returns my grin, and licks my fingertips.

"Christ, Chibiya," he says, "I always want you so bad... Like I can never get enough."

"Isn't that what you want? If you never get enough of me, you have reason to keep me."

He licks my fingers again, his eyes darkening as he looks at me. I lick the whipped cream in my cup, then lean over to kiss him.

Together, we taste whipped cream on my tongue. Together, we purr as he wraps his around mine and sucks. Together, we draw the attention of the small shop.

All this attention makes me think.

"Whatever happened with Kadota and Saburo? They seemed fine at your last show."

He sighs dramatically and pushes his marvelous golden hair away from his forehead.

"They're trying to stay friends. Kadota is unwilling to change his lifestyle, and Saburo refuses to be one of many. So, for the sake of the band, they're staying friends," he informs me.

"Poor Saburo," I say.

Delic nods.

"I don't know what I would do... You know, if you left me," I tell him.

He arches a perfect brow.

"Left you?"

And then my horrible feeling is back. The one plaguing me and taking over my mind. The one that won't let me sleep and keeps making me feel like shit.

"I'd die," I say, "If you left me."

"Don't say that. Why are we talking about this? Are you sure you're okay?"

So many questions and no answers to my worries. Just like Delic.

"I'm fine. Peachy even."

"Chibiya..."

And I have so much to tell him, but I can't. I can never tell him. I feel like he has much to tell me too.

It's at this moment that Mikado and Masaomi walk in the shop. They spot me, and they walk over to me slowly.

It's then that I know something is wrong. I haven't seen them in days, and now that they're here, there's no enthusiasm.

"Hibi-chan," Masaomi says quietly, "Erika said you would be here. We thought you'd like to know..."

I frown at them. Delic drinks his smoothie and still holds my hand in his. The air is so thick that I feel like I'm suffocating.

Something's wrong.

"We...found your sister..." Mikado says.

I gape at them, and Delic gapes at me. They're not happy, so I know it's not good news. I can already feel the fist clenching around my heart. The negative voices in my head leave for just a moment, and I can be Hibiya again, even if just for this moment.

And the Hibiya I am right now, he's found his faith again, because he wants something. Just like all of us when we want something.

Dear God, please, please, please...

Save her.


Sachi: Ah, so who sees the difference in this chapter?

Delic: This is...disturbing...

Hibiya: Are you driving me crazy?

Sachi: No! I'm not doing anything to you! I'm just thinking it and writing it down!

Delic: ...That's doing something...

Sachi: Tell me what you think! Tell me what you think is wrong with Mairu! Tell me if you like it or hate it! This chapter is going more into Hibi-chan's mind. Dark, ne? Poor thing.

Hibiya: Can I vote now?

Sachi: You're banned from voting.

Delic: Heh. Chibiya got in trouble~.