Alexis wasn't dreaming. But she wasn't awake either.
She'd been scared, terrified really, of things both impossible and incomprehensible. She saw herself, so many versions, so many different possibilities of outcomes and circumstances. For a moment, Alexis was each and every one of the others, overwhelmed with a plethora of memories and thoughts, of lives being lived.
It was far too much for her mind to handle. And the perception of multi-reality had her shutting down and turning off, even with knowing the danger of whom she was with and who was there beside her. She was struck with mind-altering paralyzation. There was only a vague sense of awareness that had her retreating from what had happened, her mind creating a hazy reality that allowed her to endure.
Only that reality expanded and grew, her mind filling in the gaps with never forgotten wishes and dreams. Alexis forgot about all the Sunstreaker vowed, forgot about so much, her brain flashing through time and filling it with memories, giving her what would have been if Airaih had never died.
And when her eyes opened, Airaih pressed behind her, she didn't think anything of it. Alexis felt such contentment, such elation, whether a dream, a coping mechanism or a phantasm of a life that never got the chance to be, it didn't matter.
She believed what she saw and felt, and Alexis was happy.
"Still cold?"
Alexis nodded her head. She sat up in bed and maneuvered to stand. She was pregnant, very much so. And freezing now that Airaih was not holding her. Her pregnancy was familiar, was startling, was comforting. Airaih helped her stand, which was a task all its own. But she wanted out of bed. Since her third trimester she had become ahum with energy. He wrapped her in a thick cloak, took her hands in his warm ones and rubbed them together before helping her place the coolant band on her wrist that quickly heated her through.
They had been sharing a room for a while now, before she'd been aware that she was pregnant. His family still didn't approve, and knowing that she was to have a boy, they tried to convince her and Airaih to raise the child conventionally. But no one would separate her from her son. And Airaih made it quite clear to his family and his brother that they were going to raise their child together.
His family didn't argue, but they did give the couple space, as if trying to figure out how to handle the situation. His family was actually quite understanding if one forgot about the silent, pointed stares. Alexis was changing how things were run in the household. She would have felt guilty if not for the knowledge that her other choice was to give in and give her unborn child up to the males of the family to raise, and to separate herself from Airaih and only really see him twice a year during his thezde cycle.
She wouldn't do either.
Hands brushed over her large belly, Airaih's beautiful yellow eyes large and full of wonder. He pressed his mouth against the back of her hand, gave her a look that was open and vivid with things unsaid but so clearly conveyed.
"I dreamed of a name last night," Alexis told her husband, his unwavering attention already upon her. They had discussed names here and there, but nothing either truly took to. "Aaron."
Airaih's brows lifted, the corner of his mouth lifting as he identified her excitement. "A human name," he spoke softly, quizzically, obviously giving what she had said some serious thought. She loved how he paid attention to her, how he always listened.
Alexis gave him a cheeky grin, which made him flush wonderfully, his scarlet flesh darkening under her sudden scrutiny. She could watch him all day. His reactions may have been subtle, sometimes unexpected, but they were all for her. The things he allowed her to see, what she could hear just in the tone of his voice.
"Well, Aaron Aih, then," she relented. She slowly dressed herself, turned and watched as he dressed himself, which was far more interesting than trying to get the fabric of her dress to settle over her large belly. She stared at his fit form, the attractive patterns on his naked flesh highlighted by the soft lights above, the muscles on his lean back flexing as he lifted his arms over his head and did a slow, distracting stretch.
"You do know that…"
She nodded her head, tried to clear her thoughts, but they were suddenly unrelenting, made her heart race, and her chest tighten. "Yes," she said breathlessly.
He turned around to face her, his head twisting along his shoulder as he stared at her. He took a deep breath of air, walked slowly toward her. When he spoke, his words were straightforward and calm, not matching up with the sudden trembling in his fingers, his focus alone enough to stir her up and leave her highly amorous. And his voice, the gentle timbre, made her skin prickle and her already warm body flood with familiar heat. "Traditionally, a male born in the third generation is named with a deviation of the grandfather's name, not the father's."
She met him halfway, snuggled against him. He no longer went stiff and uncertain at her shows of affection, even slowly wrapped a hand behind her neck, fingers rubbing soothingly against her skin. "Well, you broke traditional when you married me, and truthfully, as dear as your grandfather is to me, his name just doesn't, well, move me."
"And Aaron does?"
She pulled away from him, looked at him and nodded her head.
"Yes."
"Then I will allow you to name our first child."
She felt her cheeks heat up, her stomach drop and her breath catch. Alexis hadn't been prepared for the pregnancy. But nothing would change her mind about wanting the life that grew inside her. She had altered, for the better, Alexis was sure. Her unborn son had already begun to define her.
"Let's go see Fornaih, and if she approves, we shall go for a walk."
Airaih made her see the doctor every morning now, a validated precaution that he had managed to talk her into without too much difficulty. While Fornaih was knowledgeable, she was also firm in her prescriptions and suggestions. Yet Alexis was quite confidant in the doctor, knew everything was going and would continue to be smooth.
She was having a child. They were having a son.
Sometimes when she reminded herself of that, Alexis felt an unfathomable sorrow that was quickly overshadowed by unrelenting joy.
"Are you sure this is the herb, serztz? It's so orange. My pictures show it as a dull brown."
"Yes. The one you are referring to is not available in this region. But this is a heartier variation." Airaih got down on his knees, carefully dislodged the small plant from the earth, careful not to rip the roots. He placed it into her portable collection container that he had made for her as an early birthday present.
It started with the plant his brother had given her for a wedding present, evolved into a collection of other plants and specimens. She was learning about Renth through the flora. Her favorite so far was the rare vtock, a flower that bloomed only at night, and only during the last few hours before dusk. It naturally glowed, it's petals fluorescent, a base ingredient for a skin salve that she learned to make that was quite popular in her family, especially with the younger generation who used its more purified state to create war paints for mock skirmishes.
Putting the lid back on the container, Airaih got back up, put the handle in his other hand and held his other hand toward her, waiting for her to take it, his provocatively sharp ears turning an interesting shade of purple. He was still very conscious of when they touched, of when they made contact, something that was truly endearing, if not adorable.
She took his hand, walked only to come to an abrupt halt when Airaih gently tugged her back toward him. He lifted her chin up, swiped his fingers across her jaw, then leaned forward and pressed his lips against her own. Alexis gasped and readily melted into the kiss, delighted at his sudden lack of formality.
Alexis was still astounded by the gush of love that spread through her, her unborn child moving within her belly as if sensing her overwhelming contentment. He made her so happy. So happy that sometimes she didn't know how to respond. God had gifted her with an nontraditional mate that she wasn't just bound to, both spiritually and physically, but deeply committed, like nothing she had ever known before.
She loved him. And she knew he loved her, more than if he had actually spoken the unnecessary words.
"Alexis," her name was whispered as if on the wind. The soft syllables echoed inside her brain. Her eyes sprang open, she stepped back only to step away, from herself, from Airaih, both who were frozen and unmoving.
Her name was repeated again, only this time her name was said from behind her. She was flabbergasted, didn't understand, not a thing, and when she turned around to find the very human, very much alive Sideswipe walking toward her, her mind fractured.
"I… I… You are…"
"Dead?"
She could barely speak. Alexis was lost and confused and working toward a panic that made fear burn around and through her, rendering her with an awareness of more than she wanted.
Alexis looked down at her body, finding her stomach flat and unaltered, looked back around her shoulder, watching the image of her and Airaih fade away.
"No!" Her legs gave out. She fell to her knees. Tears blinded her vision, falling down her skin as she screamed and cursed, raging against what had never been, but should have been. To be shown that, to live through almost a year of memories and events, then have it taken away.
It was torture. It was so much worse than that, everything had been real, so real, and she had been so incredibly…
"It was never real."
She heard that voice behind her, closer than before. Felt a hand press down on her shoulder, firm and as real as Airaih's touch had been just moments before.
"It was," she argued, her voice strained and strange. She struggled with herself as she stood to her feet. She stared at a dead person. Alexis didn't think anything was ever going to make any sense.
Sideswipe looked at her. His face was marred with a compassion that left her bewildered with how it touched her. "Your mind is quite something, Lex," Sideswipe told her as he watched the last vestiges of Renth and her happiness slip and pull away into thick shadows. "You created an entire world in your mind. A reality you long for so that you can cope with these circumstances."
She suddenly heard his brother's voice, suddenly saw and remembered things that seemed unbelievable. What had felt so real vanished into the realm of tangible memories of the desperate. But Alexis felt no better, no matter what truths were offered.
"I don't understand," she weakly whispered.
Sideswipe stared at her for a moment, swiped his hand through his hair that was much shorter than she recalled, no longer highlighted with red, but a stark inky black, not even spiked as before, but naturally flat, small tendrils curling lazily around his left ear.
"Sunstreaker, well, Sunny, did something he shouldn't have," the Autobot spoke slowly, as if not believing it himself, a tangible regret there that made her wary. "Something I couldn't stop." He placed his hands in his pants pockets, the long sleeves of his teal shirt slipping down his arms.
"You are dead, Sideswipe," Alexis blurted out, bypassing what he was saying for a moment to at least try to understand that aspect.
He gave her a wary smile. "Yes. And no. And you started to call me Sides, remember?" He spoke softly, his mouth flattening as he frowned, suddenly paling dramatically. His familiar blueish green eyes dropped along her body only to pull back up and fall back down, as he stared at nothing. He sighed heavily, took his hands out of his pockets and took a small step closer to her, watching her so carefully that she could not move away. "I am a remnant of Side's subconscious that resided in Sunny. I was placed here so that I could assist you in getting back to your universe."
"That…"
He took a large step back, swept his hands around in the air, turning his body around as he did so. "You aren't on Earth. You aren't even in your own universe, Alexis. In fact, you aren't even in your own mind. This isn't reality at all. This is a representation of reality that you created. Right now you are within another you, shoved down into her subconscious so that my brother can, in a way…" He cringed. "Keep you."
"No," Alexis choked out, desperately not wanting that to be the truth.
He came back toward her, managing another weak smile, his tone bright with a firm resolve. "I am going to get you out of here. But I cannot do so unless you believe me. Unless you take, what is that phrase?" he asked of her, only to answer himself, "a leap of faith. Or in actuality, a plunge, but either way you will need to believe."
"Believe what exactly?"
"Yourself."
"This isn't working." Alexis frowned. Days had gone by, which Sides had explained actually hadn't. Everything she did, everything she perceived was a contradiction. Alexis was trying to rise to the consciousness of another, a necessary step so that she could try to find her way back to her universe in the unconventional manner in which Sideswipe had enabled her to, something she was still in doubt of. The Autobot had given her the ability to move through other universes and selves, but she would need to be the conscious one to interact, so far a seemingly impossible task.
Alexis felt herself. She did not feel another. But too many unexplained things had happened that she wasn't in as much doubt as she had been.
"How do I even know that you are real? That you aren't another manifestation for me to cope with… this…" she struggled for a word, she was struggling with so much lately. Alexis was starting to become familiar with the always present agitation of helplessness and unresolved despair.
"This?"
"Subconscious prison," Alexis finished with a huff. She remembered everything now. But that didn't stop her mind from creating worlds and places. The two were now on a hill that she was pretty sure was a memory from her childhood. It was covered in thick, lush grass, patches of tall wildflowers going down the slope. "And you are staring at me again."
He gave her one of his smiles, this one vibrant and bold, reminding her of a time when they had both been whole. Her stomach churned. "I am incapable of looking away. I have feelings for you in which I am incapable of describing." He frowned tightly, his voice lowering with his bewilderment and wonder. "Fear, anxiety, nervousness, and a strange desire to press my spark against you, which is odd in itself as I am not even in my own body, let alone, me, me… I feel close to you, bound to you."
"I guess we both are having identity problems."
He gave her a look, his mouth lifting up as he began to laugh. He had every reason to, because everything was silly, and weird and yes, ridiculous. There was something rather comforting about watching him as he laughed so easily, something almost freeing.
He stopped abruptly, his eyes returning to her own. "But to answer your question, I am as real as you. Although I am more a fragmented piece of data. But whatever I am, I can't help but think you are…" He paused, swallowed hard, the mirth washing out of his expression and filling with something far more desperate. "I want things. Impossible things. Things that contradict my core programming." He abruptly changed the subject. "When you get back to your universe, try not to blame Sunny too much. He missed me. He needed you. He took what steps he felt were required, however heedless and damaging and cruel."
He stood up, offered his hand to her. Alexis got up on her own, unused to his presence. He wasn't real. He couldn't possibly be. But Sides was here with her, alive, so very much there.
Sideswipe frowned and for a moment appeared hurt and offended.
"I love you, you know," Sideswipe suddenly blurted out in a manner that tugged at her hearts strings and made her feel such incredible sorrow all over again. His mouth pinched with a display of confusion that cleared away with his next words. "That is why I want you to succeed. Let's try again."
He offered his hand again. This time she took it.
She had now moved to different universes, becoming a part of several versions of herself until she slowly became aware of the those that she was entangled with. Sides assisted her, but the more awareness and control she got, the less tangible he was until she didn't see him again. Another rupture in her head that she was at odds on how to handle.
Alexis was still disoriented, and by the time she finally gained consciousness, when she finally was there and seeing and not buried inside another, she found that being the conscious one wasn't about control, but about a symbiotic type of relationship that, while she didn't hear the thoughts of that Alexis, she definitely got her memories and experiences, which allowed interaction in a way that would have otherwise been impossible.
The first time she became aware in what may have once been Earth was not the definition of what she would call home. But that was only the beginning, and the least of her concerns. She needed to use each and every conscious opportunity she was allowed to learn, to figure out, to try to acclimate herself to the circumstances that felt as if a demented episode on Star Trek.
She learned quickly enough that not every Alexis was obliging. Others were so willing to help her, and so many a harmonious cohesion that allowed her to exist in a manner that was astoundingly insightful and seamless, letting her experience things as if for herself.
She was herself. She was the other.
And as soon as she figured things out better, Alexis was going to find her way home. But the more universes she went to, the more distorted who she was became.
No, she wasn't dreaming, but being awake and aware and so very out of reach of those that she loved was no more preferable.
