Before I Go Away
Amanda wasn't feeling particularly great. She was sitting with Dana whom had no idea of the announcement that was about to be made. They had gathered as many friends at their home as they could. Everyone was mingling, speaking with one another.
"I just feel terrible," Dana said in a low tone. Her little waistline was already expanding. "All I've had to do is eat more than usual, but I haven't had morning sickness, any unusual developments, nothing. But poor Pat is still in the hospital, you had narcolepsy… I'm carrying twins, I should be having more trouble than this by now, shouldn't I?"
Despite her feeling of trepidation for what was about to happen, Amanda couldn't help but to laugh. "So you feel guilty because you should be more miserable?"
Dana thought about it. "Yeah, I guess so. I should be having all sorts of health problems and I'm not. I can't help but wonder, why is that?"
"Well what did T'Niye say?" asked Amanda, trying to take her mind off of the announcement they were about to make in less than an hour. Her eyes strayed to Maya holding Spock and there was another stab of pain to her heart. After all that had happened, this was going to hurt Maya even more. But she knew her friend would understand that they were taking Spock away mainly to protect him…
"T'Niye said I basically have the body type and the genes to just produce children like crazy anyway. Who ever knew I'd turn out to be a breeder?" she laughed.
She laughed with her, but no matter how much she tried to put herself in the moment, Amanda couldn't shake the sadness.
The time had come. They called their friends to them to let them know the reason for this gathering at their home. Everyone looked around, askance at one another. Sarek and Amanda had an announcement to make.
She looked at her husband and motioned her head toward him in a 'go ahead' gesture. It was always best to allow Sarek to speak when you had to rip the bandage off quickly. "I have been recalled to Terra Prime for my ambassadorial duties and we shall be leaving within the month."
At first, everyone stood there, mouths agape, not able to speak. And then everyone was speaking at once.
"But…but…but now?" Dana was saying.
"You're all leaving?" Mariana was asking. She had been warned in advance about Zurel's departure, but hadn't been aware the entire family was moving!
Zurel was instantly at Mariana's side. "I did not think it prudent to tell you of their plans."
"No, you're totally right not to tell someone else's plans," she reassured him.
"We shall, of course, look forward to seeing you back here again," Turan chimed in, his mind already on the future.
There was chaos as everyone spoke to one another. The only one not speaking was Maya. But Sokam was whispering to her, "My wife, you have no words at this time?"
She looked at him with the slightest of smiles. "I'm fine," she whispered back.
"Well when are you leaving?" asked Dana.
"In less than three weeks," said Amanda. "We already started packing up what we're taking with us today. I've been ordering things to have delivered to the embassy so when we get there we're not totally bereft of furniture and places to sleep. Sarek didn't exactly make the living quarters at the embassy a home," she laughed. She had had only two occasions to see his personal space there back in her intern days and they left much to be desired.
While the commotion was on, Zurel beckoned Mariana out of doors to speak with her in confidence.
####
Whenever they wound up alone, it felt as if there were an envelope of silent air pressure surrounding them. They both seemed to be waiting for some bubble to burst and for words to rush out of both of them. Mariana shrugged. "Here we are again."
"Again?" Zurel asked.
"You know," she giggled, "outside, in the dark, waiting for my eyes to adjust."
He drew closer to her. "I am grieved to leave thee."
His words were so formal though he stood very close. He didn't make the mistake of trying to touch her too soon like he had done that day at her locker. She smiled up at him. "I don't want you to go, but I know you have to. I know your job is important to you and I know doing it well is important to you…"
"So, you understand."
"I understand. I'll still miss you, though," she said with a tiny smile that wasn't really a smile. She had only just gotten used to the thought of 'him' in her life and now he was going. "Isn't that just like me?" she muttered to herself.
"What is the meaning of that sentence?"
She sighed tiredly. "It isn't until something -or someone- is gone that I realize how much I…" She was feeling too much at one time. She had the overwhelming urge to strike out in anger and hit something or someone. "I'm terrible at this," she admitted as she felt the slide of tears down her face. "I'm so stupid!"
Her self-deprecation forced him to move even more into her space, his fingers then trailing in her hair. His hands cupped her head and forced her to look up at him. "You will not speak such words about yourself again. Is that clear?"
Her eyes had adjusted enough to see that he meant business. He didn't like her speaking badly about herself. "Yes."
His forehead met hers softly. "No one is free to speak ill of you, not within my hearing. May I be assured by you that your words to yourself will be kinder in future?"
She sniffled as more tears trailed down her face. "Yes."
Because his hands were still grasping her skull, he could feel every emotion coursing through her, every emotion about herself, about him…about another. "And what of your Cardassian?" he nearly whispered.
Sheesh! They weren't kidding about that jealousy factor, were they? "He's not 'my Cardassian' anymore," she said.
He sensed she truly meant it. She no longer felt any obligation toward the other man. "Then I am assured you will stay clear of him while I am not here?"
She sucked her teeth as she wiggled out of Zurel's grip on her and then delivered a sharp smack to his arm. "If you have to ask, then you shouldn't be with me!" she shot out at him.
He found it delightful that she could pivot so quickly between emotions. Sokam was correct in his assessment that Mariana was truly a volatile personality type! But Zurel found that exciting. "I agree," was all he said.
####
Sokam admitted to himself that he had entered the emotional state of 'worried' for his wife. She had not been herself since the attack. He had taken two months off from school to keep an eye on her. Due to the special circumstances, her boss, Teahar, allowed him to accompany and remain with her throughout the entire work day.
She had slowly been experiencing an upswing in emotion, ever so gradual. And then Sarek and Amanda announced they were leaving and, of course, taking Spock with them. Though she assured him that she was quite well, after that her emotions dipped to an all-time low. He decided that he couldn't allow it to continue.
"My wife, may I please speak with you about your state of being?"
She looked up from the work she had brought home from the museum. "Yes?" she asked. She had been exceptionally timid, as well. She seemed afraid to become animated or angry in any way.
"Have you been to see T'Niye as of yet?"
She nodded quickly. "No."
That confirmed his other suspicion that she was avoiding everything having to do with the mental arts. "Maya, you shall not overcome the effects of the attack by not dealing with them."
She simply sat there and watched his lips moving, but was there any sound coming out? "The University of Cairo says I can do a year's long-distance correspondence, but I have to be physically present for that second year of my coursework. If I don't do the year at the school, I won't get my next degree."
He wondered at this tactic she seemed to use lately, that of changing the subject whenever she didn't want to speak about the attack. "Maya, you cannot pretend that it did not happen."
"I know it happened!" she snapped at him.
He cautiously moved closer to her. "My wife, I only wish to assist you."
She swallowed back tears of hopelessness. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled."
"If it is what you wish to do, to go to Terra Prime in one year's time when your work at the museum is finished-"
Something within her stirred as she looked at him with awe. "You'd let me go?"
He sat directly opposite her. "Yes. It is that which you have striven your entire life for, is it not?"
She nodded profusely as tears threatened to spill over. "Yes, it is."
"Then it is what you must do," he said as one hand softly touched her face. "In the past, I would not at all have been open to the idea," he admitted. "I believed if I kept you here, it would minimize the chances of your slipping from my influence…or my slipping from your thoughts. But I know now that it does not matter how closely one holds another. Something—anything may happen to take them from you without warning."
Finally seeing him for the first time in so long, a wall of grief welled up in her and she found herself gasping in pain as her tears began. "Why did you say that to me?" She tried to get up and exit the conversation by exiting the room.
"It is true," he said as he moved to hold her to the spot. His hands held her arms and prevented her from moving. "There were two people here, in a battle. But it was possible for only one to emerge alive. And the victor was you. Would you have rather I sat here, at this same time in the stream of things and mourned your passing? Would you have rather I lost my mental footing and went on a vendetta to find the henchman? For it is not logical, but I would have found him and I would have killed him in your name."
"Sokam!"
"I am not ashamed to admit that I would kill for you. It is my nature."
"Well it's not mine!"
"Then do you judge me harshly?"
"Why should I?"
"Because I have taken the life of another in my past."
She looked at him, shocked. "You?"
"You forget I did not grow up on this side of our world. And things are very different on the other side."
She found herself adjusting to that information on the inside. "How many times did you have to do that?"
"It was only the once and I do not regret my decision."
She swallowed back her shock to get out the question, "Why?"
"Why do I not regret my decision? Or why did I kill?"
"Both."
"It was simple. Either I would emerge dead or alive. And I emerged alive. I was able to continue living to meet you, to join with you. I cannot regret that."
"Did it have to do with the mating urge?"
"No," he admitted. "You were my first Pon Farr. And yet I was no virgin when we joined. Vulcans have always, from time immemorial, killed to keep a mate. And I thought, at the time, that the female I fought for wished to keep me. But within a year of my victory, of proving I was worthy and able to keep her safe, she had moved on to someone else. As a result, my obsessive nature began to assert itself. Instead of allowing me to walk that path, she who was my mother made certain I became bonded, and that was when I decided I would come to the Syrranite side to minimize the chances of my being put into that situation again. I do not regret killing or emerging alive, but it is not something I wish to do again. And especially not for a female that is unworthy of the honor. You are worthy of that honor."
Maya found herself strangely touched, in a morbid way. Girl, you knew the guy was on the nuts side when you married him. Now is not the time to get squeamish on him… "Is there anything else I should know about your past?"
"I admit there is much to tell. But know that I have never and will never lie to you about it."
She took a deep breath in and out. Felt herself starting to expand on the inside again, wanting to seek things out, wanting to know… "I'll go to T'Niye."
"And I shall accompany you."
"And one more thing."
"Tell me."
"I can't live in this house anymore. It's just a reminder of… I can't live here," she admitted.
"Then we shall leave immediately," he assured her. "We shall go this very moment."
####
Amanda was finding more and more creative ways to hide her tears. He often wondered why his wife thought it necessary to hide things from him. But he had to respect that she did want to keep it private, so he did not approach her on the subject.
Late one evening, he found her and Spock pacing the Common Room. The baby was in tears. And so was she.
"Amanda, what is it?" he asked. "Are you overly fatigued? I will take the child for now. You must rest."
"I can't sleep again, Sarek."
He didn't say anything for a second. The fact that she realized that he already knew her sleeping had been poor told him his wife had a gift for hiding key facts…just as well as he did. "My wife, I have noticed your distress since our announcement to return to Terra Prime."
She cried worse as she handed the crying baby over to him. Then she sat down in the rocking chair that had been ordered especially for her while Spock was still this tiny. "Well are you surprised?" she asked.
He looked at her closely and realized, "You do not wish to return home."
"No! My people are crazy! I didn't realize just how crazy they were until I went to the embassy and started working with you years ago. And then I come here. And I have to stay behind a compound wall all day because of the wife shortage thing- and then the female prisoner situation and with everything here that's gone wrong, with all of that drama, still, it is nowhere as horrifying as my planet can be!"
He knew to what things she referred. "Amanda, the embassy grounds are considered apart of the planet Vulcan and the madness does not extend there."
"My planet, my family, my people…" she said miserably with tears coursing down her face. "As much as I don't want to think about it, as much as I try to turn my back on them, I'm apart of them. And there's some part of me that-"
Sarek couldn't make sense of the cacophony of emotions jumping off of his wife. She was truly a few steps away from hysteria.
"I can't breathe," she was saying. "I can't breathe…"
He stood next to her, knelt down and asked in a clear, precise voice, "Amanda, are you experiencing a panic attack?"
Something about the moment pushed Amanda over the proverbial edge and she found herself laughing through her tears. "Ohhh! Your straight face while asking if I'm 'experiencing a panic attack'," she mimicked his tone of voice.
Both Sarek and the now quiet baby looked at her with questioning faces. "I see no reason to insult me, wife," he said.
Amanda knew if she was just being addressed as 'wife' and not 'my wife' that maybe he was a bit insulted. She forced herself to calm down. "I'm sorry, Sarek. I'm just having a very hard time thinking about taking him there and exposing him to-" She drew in a shaky breath. "The only Terrans I like are here, on this planet. Not on that one."
"Amanda, do you dislike your own people?"
She thought about his question and said honestly, "Yes, I do." She shook her head knowingly. "And if you experienced them the way that I did my entire life, the things I saw growing up, the things I went through, the things we all went through, especially females, you would ask yourself why you mixed your bloodline with one of them."
####
Zymak was acting on pure instinct. There were things he wished to know and there was only one way he could find them out.
He gained access to the Vulcan Academy Hospital via his credentials. He found the correct floor and then found the correct room. Once it was ascertained that there was in fact no one present, he slipped into the room he was seeking and confirmed, yes, it was empty save for its occupant.
He moved closer to the bed and surveyed the sleeping occupant, Patricia, wife of another. He saw the swell of life in her abdomen growing larger by the day. He would only satisfy his rampant curiosity and do nothing more, he assured himself. Though he did not need to, he reached out one hand and put it to the side of her face…
