So apparently when I said "out next Wednesday" I really meant "weeks later…"
I'm blushing. Sorry about the delay, guys. But this chapter is extra-long to make up for it because I pretty much threw in every last idea considering it's the LAST ONE.
Aren't you guys going to miss this? Aww. I know I am.
Well, only one chapter left after this: The Epilogue.
So without further ado, here is Chapter 29 of Ask Elrond. Enjoy.
Idea submitted by Dinelleth
Dear Lord Elrond,
Why am I called the "Golden Snitch"? I don't say a word to anyone about anything I've seen or overheard and believe me that's not easy to do! The daily stuff that goes on in Hogwarts would be enough to keep the Daily Prophet in print for all of eternity!
Anyway, I'm hoping you can clarify this for me. In case you're wondering the Lady Galadriel graciously agreed to write this letter for me since I can't hold a quill with my wings and she is the only one who can hear my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Goldie
***
Dear Goldie,
God I love puns.
And as soon as I can explain why they're called "quaffles" I'll give you an answer. As for right now, I'm just trying to comprehend how you ended up in Lothlórien…
Anyways, you should write to J.K. Rowling if you have questions of any sort regarding that. I mean, let's count our blessings here. At least you aren't named "Hermione" or "McGonagall."
Or THRANDUIL.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Kitiara Uth Matar
Dear Elrond,
I have read that, in your world, elves are musical, merry, lovely beings who don't go on killing sprees. Either you have cast a spell over the populace, or something has gone wrong with our lot. Our elves are lovely, but nasty. They sing, but you don't want to know what they sing about. They laugh, but normally when they're twisting someone's arm to see how far it will go. If they are related to you, why do you allow your Discworld cousins to run amok like this? And how can we stop them because they are really putting a crimp in my love life.
Confused and Desperate,
Magrat Garlick, Witch.
P.S: And can you advise anything for frizzy hair? I notice Glorfindel's hair is always lovely.
***
Dear Magrat (eek, you should consider visiting City Hall to adjust that name, sweetheart),
Listen, those crazies are in no way related to us. I mean, J.R.R. Tolkien and Terry Pratchett have absolutely nothing to do with one another, so I take no responsibility for those demon-elves you seem to have darting about your world.
Sorry you have to deal with that, but we in Middle Earth are forced to interact with dwarves, so I don't feel that bad for you.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by F-35 Phoenix
Dear Elrond,
Merry greetings to you, my friend! Though, the tidings of this letter are hardly cheerful...
I'll put it bluntly; it's time to get prepared for the holidays, and my elves are on strike; can I borrow some of yours?
Sincerely,
St. Nick
aka Chris Cringle
aka Santa Clause
***
Dear Santa,
Let me make something perfectly clear. My elves do not make toys. Or act jolly. The Elves of Middle Earth and solemn and formal creatures. And we also do not celebrate Christmas.
But I hear the Keebler elves are interested in a change of scenery, so you might want to contact them. At the very least they can bake you something yummy to munch on while you make all of your own toys.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Kurbi
Dear Elrond,
I am most assuredly not one of your average correspondents; after all, my IQ is the highest tested in Europe and I am in steady communication with various fairy races. However, I would never presume to take precedence over your other *cough* delightful contributors. Please address me as you would any typical mortal.
I note that numerous prior missives have addressed the issue of unwanted fangirls. Therein lies the issue. I have apparently become something of a lust object for young teenagers, and they swarm outside the towering ramparts of Fowl Manor like so many stinging ants, waiting to be squashed. The squashing isn't the problem; Butler has a number of effective methods for fangirl disposal. The issue is what to do with the remains post-disposal. Though Fowl Manor is large and, just as you say, fangirls stack neatly into small spaces, I dislike tripping over them in the dark, and Juliet tires quickly of the dusting.
Do you have any suggestions for their permanent removal? More specifically, have you discovered any methods for converting disabled fangirls into a more valuable medium, such as gold? I am already being watched by numerous intelligence agencies, so discretion is vital.
Many thanks,
Artemis Fowl II
***
Dear Artemis,
Trust me, oh modest one, I will surely "address you as I would a typical mortal." I didn't take any of Isildur's back sass, baby. No one can bring me down.
Might I suggest a highly active volcano to solve your Mary-Sue disposal issues? I've heard they are quite useful for destroying other flammable objects (have you seen how much hairspray they use?) so you might want to invest in one.
And child, had I figured out a way to turn Mary Sues into gold, I wouldn't be here. I would be in Disney World.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Dinelleth
Dear Lord Elrond,
I'm so ready for another enchanted mirror session whenever you are my dearest!
Isildur XOXO
***
Dear Isildur,
On an official, advice column level…no.
Lord Elrond
P.S: Same time, same place. Kisses!
Idea submitted by Araloth the Random
Dear Elrond,
As manager of Thranduil's Mary-Sue Squad I would like to make a formal complaint on behalf of one Laurelindoreanna Quenyamangler, who seems to have issues with telling Thranduil that he is somewhat...underperforming. Please tell me what she can do to inform Thranduil of her concerns without being thrown out of the Caves.
Sincerely,
Manager of His Highness' King Thranduil's Mary Sue Squad
P.S: If you're wondering why Laurelindoreanna couldn't send this herself, it's because her original draft was so unreadable it might well have been Adunaic. Gah, text-speak.
***
Dear, er, Sir,
Firstly, thank you for not sending me Ms. Quenyamangler's draft. I have had quite enough correspondence with Mary Sue's as of late. And that was frankly TMI into Thranduil's sex life, though I'm not sure why I should be surprised. Tell her that those little blue pills he's stopped taking will help and have her slip one…or five…into his daily lemonade.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by HT
Dear Lord Elrond
How come I spend all that time with your son, going with him on that stupid death-defying quest, fighting by his side etc, etc, and all I get is a manly grasp on the shoulder. Then Haldír shows up at Helm's Deep and gets a cuddle just for turning up! What am I doing wrong? What does it take for an elf (moi) to get some man-on-elf action around here?
Legolas
***
Dear Legolas,
Dear God, Blondie. You're married to the dwarf already; how much more man-cuddling do you need? Though I suppose I'm asking the wrong person. Frankly I think Estel should be ashamed of himself for he is clearly taking advantage of your loyalty towards him. Bastard. You should make him jealous by giving Halbarad a big hug next time you see him.
Hope all is well with your pregnancy (we haven't talked about that in a while, have we?) and give Gimli my best.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Dinelleth
Dear Lord Elrond,
I'm honored to hear that you would love to meet me! I've been on my own and lonely ever since Princess Jasmine ran off with Abu and Genie shacked up with someone called Tom Bombadil. I think that is how the guy in the yellow boots spells his name. Anyway he's just as spastic as Genie so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.
Could you please bring some food with you? Dumpster diving in Agrabah isn't what it used to be since the city started to go green and recycle everything!
I eagerly await your arrival!
Aladdin
***
Dear Aladdin,
You're so dumb. You wasted all that time during King of Thieves that you didn't get married to the Princess and now you're just a smelly peasant again. Though if your ex-fiancé preferred being with a monkey…I don't know what to tell you, man.
Frankly, when I said I wanted to meet you I really mean the guy who dresses up like you in The Magic Kingdom. Sorry for the mix-up. I'll send some food along, though.
Lord Elrond
P.S: Hey! Maybe you can go work for Santa! I hear he needs some help these days! I'll give him your number.
Idea submitted by Pimpernel Princess
Dear Elrond,
I have a rather...er, beastly...problem. My prisoner/houseguest has run away from my enchanted castle. She said something about being the guest of an elf named something like "Elladhir" at a place named "Riverwell." I thought that she had just been reading too many of the books in the library that I had
given her. I know that roaring at her when she entered my lair in the West Wing was probably the wrong thing to do--but I did go and rescue her from the wolves when she tried to run away from me.
You see, I thought that she and I had a bond. What else do all of the afternoons we spent reading and having snowball fights mean? I know that I was only trying to win her affection to break this rather...ahem...hairy curse that I'm under, but things were going so well. What can I do to win Belle back?
Sincerely,
The Beast
***
Dear Beast,
Now, I've always wanted to ask you this. Once you changed back into a human (remember, there is no coherent time-line in this story) are you able to change between beast and man at will? Because I think that would be way cool.
But actually I'm going to refer you to Haldír, our on-call dating expert, for advice.
Haldír graciously sat on an indignant Elrond's lap to continue the response.
Alrighty, Beast. Let's start at square one. Have you ever heard of a thing called a razor? Please tell me you aren't related to those smelly Dúnedain who refuse to shower and clip their beards. I know you have quite a bit more fur than the average….er…person, but that's no reason to slack on personal hygiene.
Though if Severus Snape was able to get laid, I suppose there's hope for all of us.
Secondly, females generally don't like it when you SCREAM at them. They take offense easily, especially when you insult them. I know. I don't understand it either. So you could try by, I don't know, keeping your voice to a low growl or only a slightly menacing purr.
Actually, on second thought, don't purr at her. It might frighten her more than the screaming.
Now, if she's still furious with you, I've found it's quite pleasurable to cover yourself in chocolate and parade naked in front of her until she forgives you. This might end up being a terrible idea for you (somehow fur and chocolate don't scream "sexy" to me, but to each her own) but it's worth a shot, no?
Hope this helps,
Haldír
Idea submitted by Melibells
Dear Elrond...er...Boss...er...Sir,
I thought I should bring to your attention that while on our midday lunch break; it seems that a fair number of Glorfindel's...undergarments...have gone missing. And one of my workers came to me claiming that they saw your sons sneaking about the laundry facilities. I'm not sure how to explain this to Glorfindel, especially since I can only guess that it was your sons that have decorated the architecture with garlands of said undergarments. That, and is there anything you can do to keep your sons out of my work area? They really are distracting all the young ladies working here.
Respectfully,
Supervisor of the Rivendell Laundry Service
***
Dear…an elf whose name I should know,
Thank you very much for telling me. I will not be telling Glorfindel, as I think it's high time he wear a more supportive kind of underwear (I have had to see him every single day for several thousand years, and I'm tired of having to avert my eyes every time he adjusts himself).
Er…hope you are in good health.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Kurbi
Dear Mr. Elrond,
I'm not asking for you to give me advice as much as asking you to stop giving advice. To one person in particular.
Frankly, I'm not absolutely sure that you exist. If I've learned anything over the years, it's that people who Dwight worships tend not to be real. But hey, someone's obviously telling Dwight to go back to Staples; he wouldn't do that on his own, not after I expressly took him back with open arms and a loving heart. We're just one big happy family here in Scranton.
Dwight's kind of weird, and he sucks the funny out of the room like no one else, but God--he's our top salesman, and I really think Jim would suffer without him. They're very close.
So please, fictional-eyebrow-dude, just tell him his position is safe. Ryan will always occupy a special place in my heart--he's my brainchild, after all--but I don't think he's Assistant to the Regional Manager material. Too spirited, too lively, too free-willed. Too hot, for that matter. And it's not even a real position anyway.
Thanks,
Michael Scott
***
Dear Michael Scott,
I…you're…it's…
I don't even know how to…
I…what?
Yeah, I think that about sums it up.
Lord Elrond
P.S: Your "that's what she said" jokes suck. You should talk to Haldír about that.
Idea submitted by Earendilion
Dear Elrond,
Since you are the foremost healer in all of Arda, and therefore probably the foremost healer EVER, would you happen to know a good prosthetic limbs specialist? Or perhaps you yourself harbor such skills? Honestly, if Luke Skywalker can do it, I should most certainly be able to do it. Besides, I am getting quite tired of having someone cut my food up for me.
Best,
Maedhros
***
Dear Maedhros,
I would adore giving you your right hand back; however I am absolutely terrified of your brothers. So instead I'll give you Frodo's number, as I think he's taking care of a similar problem.
Lord Elrond
P.S: That shade of your hair is absolutely lovely. I have never seen that color auburn. Glorfindel was wondering if he could reproduce it for sale. What say you?
Idea submitted by Lehalia
Dear Elrond,
I tought I taw a puddy tat!
Tweety Bird
***
Dear Tweety,
You did, you did. You did see a pussy cat.
But, please remember:
If I were a bird, I'd sing a song
And fly about the whole day long
And when the nigh came
Go to rest up in my cozy little nest.
Otherwise known as: chill out, Tweety. Your speech impediment is giving me a headache.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Robbie the Phoenix
To: OldPointyEars at Rivendell . elfrealm . ME
From: LittleGold at ChocolateCoveredCherriesForever . org
Subject: Hello From Monkey Island
Dear Elrond
I suppose you're wondering how I could possibly be sending this email if I was recently melted down and given to a certain blonde elf as a… gift.
First of all, no, there is no email in the afterlife. Or at least, that's not where I'm sending this email from. You see, I DID manage to escape that frightful Weasley girl, but I knew that if she knew I was actually gone, she'd come looking for me.
So, I asked one of my buddies—a little more clunky than me, but for the most part a dead ringer, no pun intended—from the Society Against the Abuse of Sentient Inanimate Objects to act as my decoy until I was a sufficient distance away (I was horrified to hear what had happened to him in the line of duty).
I have now retired to Monkey Island, where I intend to spend the rest of my days being hand fed chocolate covered cherries by the natives. Don't try to find me. I've amassed an army of well trained monkeys, but as long as I am left in peace, I will not inflict them upon the world.
This will be my final letter to you.
Sincerely,
One Ring to Rule Them All
P.S: Give Frodo a good kick in the rear from me.
P.P.S: How I digest my chocolate covered cherries is for me to know and you to NEVER, EVER find out.
***
To: LittleGold at ChocolateCoveredCherriesForever . org
From: FinallyRidOfBling at Rivendell . elfrealm . ME
Subject: So long, farewell
Dear the One Ring,
Well, I can't say I'm surprised to hear that you wimped out and send your brother-in-arms to take the fall for you. Such a shameless inanimate object you are. Jeez, man.
Well, have a good afterlife I guess. I hope you're aware of what monkeys are famous for, and that what they're feeding you is indeed chocolate covered cherries and not covered with some other brown substance.
It's been fun, One Ring.
Well, no it hasn't. But it's moot anyways.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Aearwen22
To: Mitzi at Rivendell . elfrealm . ME
From: GreatElvenKing at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME
Subject: Say what?
Dear...
Mitzi?
You gotta be kidding me.
Mitzi? You were MITZI?
BWAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahaha!! (and yes, you can hear the echoes of this all the way across my realm)
You should have SEEN Arwen's face after I rented that movie and pointed you out to her. I swear, I haven't laughed this long, this hard and this often since I watched you trying to trip Isildur into falling in a magma pit up on Mount Doom and ended up burning your... well, never mind. Although, come to think of it, that really does explain a lot.
But really. MITZI?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaha!
(Pardon the watermarks. I weep copiously when I laugh that hard.)
Oh. And by the way, just wanted to let you know that I'm instituting a law that requires passports for all non-Elven visitors to Mirkwood from now on. The spiders have had it with all the funny-tasting fare coming down the road of late. Although that last one you "urged" to come visit me - I think his name is Scrotum... Skrunchy... No, it was Scrute... Yea, Dwight Scrute. Yes, well, HIM I like. I always did need a court jester.
Just thought you'd want to know.
BTW, Arwen wants me to ask you where you got that delicious green dress. She wants one like that; or, failing that, she wants to know if she can borrow yours.
No kidding.
Thranduil, Great Elven King of Mirkwood
P.S: Mitzi?
BWAHAHAHAHahahahahhaha!
Just you wait until I get a chance to tell Celebrían about this one! You'll regret failing the Elven King Test for sure after that one!
***
To: BottomFeeder at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME
From: NotAshamed at Rivendell . elfrealm . ME
Subject: Let's be real here.
Dear Thranduil,
I'll be sure to tell the other creepers I send to the Greenwood that they need proper identification to do so. I'm sure Haldír wouldn't be averse to starting a Black Market.
I am not ashamed of my past. My wife is fully aware of my past…escapades. And let me tell you there are certain aspects of my former life she has truly enjoyed. And let's not forget Glorfindel and Erestor. I don't see you writing snarky e-mails to THEM.
BIGOT.
I don't appreciate being discriminated against because of my hair color. Not cool, Thranduil. Not cool.
Tell you what. You try dressing up like that someday (the feminine apparel is actually quite a satisfying feeling…silky and nice) and I'll stop sending random characters to Mirkwood. Sound good? I want photos. You have video documentation of MY experiences (don't knock it 'til you've tried it) so the least you can do is give me a scrap book page, or at least a laminated copy…
If you truly found it this amusing, your intellect is even more lacking than I anticipated. I think I'm going to have to re-think writing to you so frequently, as it must be taking away from your finger-painting class.
Lord Elrond
P.S: You're stupid.
Idea submitted by Bannoth
Dear labradorite,
Knock knock!
The Host of Valinor has arrived at your doorstep under the command of my trusty subordinate Eönwë.
We have also contacted the police of your world (some organization styling themselves the FBI), we explained to them how important we are and not wishing to cause a severe diplomatic incident with the Valar and the Elves, their agents are now stationed at every corner of your house.
There is no escape.
Release the hostages within 5 minutes or we will storm your residence without pity or mercy. You have held Eru's children for too long.
Hang in there, Elrond, and tell your brethren that help is on the way. We have come for you at last. (Sorry it took so long, but the Host got lost in that place the mortals call the Sahara Desert and then you wouldn't believe how expensive airplane tickets are for 50 immortal warriors...)
Anyway, rejoice for you shall soon be free and will be fully compensated for any damages wrought unto you. Just name what you want and I can give it
Manwë Súlimo
High King of the Entire World
***
Dear Manwë,
Er…I suppose 'hey look over there!' won't work…but I feel like I should tell you that I'm not actually staying at that house anymore…Elrond and I took everyone back to Imladris quite a few chapters ago…
But actually I need you guys so if you could follow the hostess on your left she'll direct you to us. Mmkay pumpkin?
Sorry for all the extra paperwork this will require. Erestor can help you out if you'd like.
labradorite
Dear Elrondy Half-Pudding,
Well, I've finally gotten the hint! Now, after all this time of our correspondence, I've finally figured out what you've been trying to tell me…
You want me to wear thongs!!
Why else would you have strung up those delicious little undergarments all over the house? Oh Elrond, you shouldn't have! I'm so sorry for not understanding earlier, dearest, and I promise that on our wedding night I'll be dressed appropriately.
Love Always,
Mirror Image
***
Dear Mirror Image,
Instead of answering, I've decided to refer to Google Translator for help.
Unë të urrej.
Nenávidím tĕ.
Jeg hader dig.
Ik haat je.
Ma vihkan sind.
Minä vihaan sinua.
Ich hasse dich.
Ti odio.
Je te déteste.
I. HATE. YOU.
Goodbye!
Love,
Lord Elrond
A/N: I'd like to take this time to hand out some thank-you's.
Many thanks to everyone who has read this story; I hope that somewhere within this confusing blabbering you have found amusement :).
Thanks, also, to any of you who have Favorite-d this story. I know I didn't respond to any of you regarding that, and for that I am truly sorry, but please know how delighted I was each time I received an e-mail regarding it.
To anyone who reviewed, be guaranteed that it made my day. I tried my best to reply to each and every review, just to try and convey my overwhelming gratitude.
And the most emotional recognition is to anyone who submitted a letter to Elrond. You guys have been absolutely incredible. Thank you all so very much for your support and love over the past few months; I will never forget the unconditional devotion and help I've received as I embarked on what seemed to be an impossible adventure, and I know that I couldn't have achieved any of this without you.
To each and every one of you: A star shone at the hour of our meeting. Navaer.
