My Scars Won't Ever Heal When I'm Lying In This Metal Tomb
The vision melted away, like thick tar burning away the terrifying scene. It all just faded into nothing but pure blackness. A darkness so surreal I couldn't even imagine a thing such as sight. There was only this overwhelming darkness and a voice. A sweet female voice. Sweet and motherly.
"You'll see . . . Things are going to get better," she said. "They're not going to find us."
"I'm not saying that. All I'm saying is that I think we should pull over," came Ghost's voice out of my mouth. His voice sounded different though; less smooth then I remembered.
"You worry too much," she insisted.
"I'm serious JM," I said, "I have a really bad feeling about all this."
"Just go to sleep," she suggested, "When you wake up we'll be in New York and everything will be fine."
"I don't want to go to sleep," I argued, "And I don't want to leave Vermont."
"Well, I'm sorry Xander, but I don't really have a choice," she said, "You don't want to go back to living with your parents and Connie, do you?"
"No," I said automatically.
"Then this is our only option," she said, "I'm sorry honey, but that's that."
I huffed unhappily and crossed my arms, pretending to be surly when I was really just panicking. I had a bad feeling . . . Like someone was watching me. Like someone was planning something. I tried to shake it but I couldn't.
I tried to fall asleep, but found that I couldn't do that either. There was nothing to do but stare forward into the complete darkness and chew on my lip anxiously. An eternity seemed to pass, sitting there in the darkness and quiet of the car.
"Look," the woman said after an endless silence, "We're already in New York."
I just huffed another displeased sigh and turned away from the voice.
"Oh, now don't be like that Xander," she said, "I'm just doing what's best for you."
"Did it ever occure to you that I had a life in Vermont?" I hissed.
"Yes, it did occur to me," she said tightly, "It also occurred to me that what I'm doing is against the law and I could easily go to jail if I got caught. If we get caught, you will not be penalized at all, you're aware. Because, and you know I hate to say it, but you are blind Xander. Nobody would blame you for this - It's not like you have a choice. You couldn't just choose not to come and go off on you're own."
"Wow, thanks JM," I muttered, "It's nice to hear once again how useless I am."
"I didn't say you were useless," she sighed.
"Useless. Powerless. Helpless. They're all the same," I ranted heatedly, "Everyone is the same. You pretend that you believe I can take care of myself. But you're just like everyone else."
"Xander. That's not true," she insisted.
"You just don't get it. Nobody does. You don't know what it's like to be entirely dependent on other people," I snapped, "It sucks."
"You know that's not true. I know you can take care of yourself."
"But you don't really believe that," I said.
"Don't assume you know what I'm thinking," she said sternly.
"I already know what you're thinking. It's the same thing everyone's thinking. Oh poor Xander, all blind and defenseless, let's go take care of him and treat him like a child!"
"Xander, for all intents and purposes, you're my son. It's my job to look after you. Why does that bother you so much?" she asked.
"Because everyone I've ever met thinks it's their job to look after me! I don't need people watching out for me. I'm highly capable of taking care of myself."
She sighed. "I know you hate to be patronized, so I'm going to tell you how it is. Now Xander, no matter how unfair it is, you can't deny the fact that you are blind. Now I hate having this conversation with you, but it can't be helped. We don't talk about this nearly enough. You're blind, and that doesn't mean that you're helpless. And it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you."
"But there is something wrong with me!" I protested, "I'm blind! Hello? Remember? The whole reason for this conversation!"
"Let me finish," she said, "Now, like I was saying. It does, however, mean that sometimes you'll need help. But you are just incapable of accepting it. And one day you're going to get hurt because of it."
"Don't act like you know everything Julie Marie."
"Oh don't you Julie Marie me," she said.
"Then stop lecturing me," I snapped back, "Just let me wallow in self pity in peace."
"You know I can't do that," she said sadly.
"Yeah but I hoped," I grumbled.
She sighed and I could feel the car come to a stop, probably a red light or something.
"You know I love you right?" she asked.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," I mumbled.
"Good. That's all that matters honey," she said and I felt lips faintly touch my cheek in a sweet fluttery butterfly kiss.
I just snorted in distaste and heard her chuckle lowly as the car started moving again.
"You can be so - Wait what is that? Oh my God is that-" she was cut off as the car suddenly collided with something hard. I was slammed forcefully into my seat belt and heard Julie Marie scream. Pain laced through my sides as the seat belt dug into my skin.
I could feel the car spinning and spinning until it collided with another item that sent it flying. Julie Marie continued to scream but I was too numb too terrified to chorus in. I could feel the car flying in midair until it suddenly landed. There was a huge splashing sound and I knew that we had landed in some body of water.
Julie Marie's screams cut off abruptly as the car began to sink.
"JM? JM?" I called frantically as I could feel the freezing water that was rapidly filling the car as it sunk.
"Mom? Mom!" I yelled as the water rose. My side and my neck were killing me but I barely noticed. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins as I desperately tried to undo the seat belt I couldn't see. Even before the car was completely full of water, so much that I couldn't breath, I already knew I was going to die. Ice cold water stabbed me all over my body like a thousand needles. The same water that filled my lungs as I drowned. My struggles slowed as the silence surrounded me.
I'd already accepted the fact that I was dieing when I heard a sound like ripping metal, only quieter, like I was underwater. Because I was. I felt arms around me and could feel my seat belt snapping. I was barely aware of anything as I seemed to float in the freezing water. It wasn't until I surfaced that I realized I wasn't already dead. I was on dry land . . .Out of the car and out of the water. That was all that I could really register. That, and that I was freezing, in pain, and that my lungs were full of water.
I coughed up water as I lay on my back on the dirt. As I felt myself chocking on the water coming out of my lungs I rolled myself over onto my stomach and painfully pushed myself onto my hands and knees. I coughed up even more water, my throat burning. I felt someone patting my back and realized that I wasn't alone. I tried to get past the sound of whooshing water in my ears to hear the voice of this person.
"It's alright sweetheart," a woman's voice said, "Everything's going to be okay."
I could tell that the voice was female but that was all I could tell. Was it Julie Marie? I tried to ask but just chocked up more water.
"It's okay," she said again, "It's okay."
"We should take him back to Jessamine," came another female's voice, a younger sounding one. So there was more then one person . . .
"Good idea," the other agreed, "But give him a minute."
"I think he's hurt," the younger girl said.
"No shit Hattie. He was just in a car accident," the first one said.
"Sorry. I was just saying," the Hattie girl replied.
Once all the water was out of my lungs I tried to speak again. "Mom?" I croaked out. I never called her mom but I beginning to really panic.
"Don't worry honey," was all she said, "Everything's all right sweetie."
I wanted to demand that she answer my question but I couldn't. Now that I wasn't chocking I could concentrate on the pain in my side and the side of my neck. Not to mention how cold I was. Teeth chattering, I lifted my head up to look at more blackness.
"Oh!" said Hattie, seeming startled, "Angel, I think he's blind. I mean, look at his eyes."
I wished I could gather the voice to thank her for noticing but I couldn't.
"Do you think he was always blind?" the older girl, Angel, asked, "Or do you think that maybe it had something to do with the accident?"
The me that was Ghost didn't recognize these voices at all. But the me who was me did. Not that me-me had a lot of say in anything. I was just an observer in Ghost's mind.
"I don't know . . . We should take him to Jessamine anyway though," said Hattie, "He could have hypothermia."
"Good idea. Even I can't heal that," Angel agreed. "Okay, honey, we're going to take you somewhere safe, alright?"
"Don't-don't touch me," I said through chattering teeth. My throat burned with every word.
"We just want to help you sweetheart," she soothed, putting her hand on my shoulder.
"Stay aw-away from me," I said as I felt arms around me loosely.
"Don't-" was all I could say as I pulled out of the loose grasp and scrambled away. I wasn't sure where I thought I was going but I still tried to get away. I barely got anywhere when I felt strong arms around my waist, dragging me back.
"Where do you think you're going baby?" asked Angel as I struggled feebly against her surprisingly strong grip.
"Angel be careful," Hattie cautioned.
"Relax, I'm being gentle. Here, warm up my coat," she said as her arms released me. My knees and arms seemed to give out and I just collapsed onto the ground. Still, I tried to get away but then I felt something on my back, keeping me pinned to the ground. A foot I guessed.
"Angel!" Hattie reprimanded, "Don't do that! You'll hurt him!"
"Hattie don't worry. I'm being extraordinarily gentle. I'm just trying to keep him from going anywhere," she assured her.
"All right . . ." the other mumbled.
"C'mon sweetie," Angel said and I felt myself being lifted off the ground like I was four years old again.
"Here," Hattie said and I felt something very warm being put over me. Like an electric blanket almost.
"Come on let's go," she said and suddenly I could feel air whooshing around me. Like I was flying or floating. But I couldn't concentrate long. The pain and the cold were getting to me, clouding my thoughts. I could feel myself drifting, sounds fading into quiet.
An unknown amount of time passed as I lay in the nothingness. It could've been hours or days or weeks. I had no idea. I wasn't sure when I exactly woke up. Or if I really ever feel asleep. But suddenly I was aware of voices and chaos all around me. Before pain was suddenly injected into my veins from my neck. I cried out, or at least I thought I did. The sounds around me swirled around in a jumble of ear-splitting noise as pain engulfed my entire body. It lasted for what seemed like forever, but really could only be a few minutes, before all the noise and the pain just disapeared . . .
Even before I opened my eyes I knew that something was different. I was no longer in pain, no longer freezing or chocking. But that wasn't the biggest thing. I could . . . Well I was pretty sure I saw something. A sort of . . . color I guessed. I had no idea what anything looked like . . . But for the first time in my life I was seeing something. I wasn't sure what anything looked like so I wasn't exactly sure what I was seeing. Was I dead? Was this the white light? I wasn't sure what white looked like so it could've been.
I opened my eyes and saw . . . Just saw. There were things all around me. I wasn't sure how to comprehend what I was seeing . . . That I was seeing. I felt like I was on alien planet. The explosion of sight was enough to burn my eyes. But I didn't care. I was seeing. I might of had no idea what I was seeing but I didn't care. I could see!
"How do you feel?" asked a voice and my eyes darted towards the source of the sound. There was a . . . Well a person I guess? Was that what people looked like?
"Are you okay?" she asked and I was sure that the voice was coming from this . . . person. So this was what a girl looked like. She looked beautiful to me . . . Alien and strange . . . But I thought she was as gorgeous as an angel even though I had know idea what 'beautiful' really meant. More proof that I was probably dead though.
"I can see," I managed, my voice sounding different, "Am I dead?"
The girl laughed. A light bubbly sound. "No honey . . . You aren't dead. You're a vampire," she said.
"A vampire?" I repeated.
"You know what a vampire is, don't you?"
"I'm blind, not stupid," I snapped.
"You mean you were blind," she corrected, "You're not anymore."
"So this is . . . seeing . . . " I mumbled, looking around. I had know idea what anything was. I didn't have a clue what anything looked like. I had no way of figuring out what anything was or describing it to my brain. It was like an alien planet full of light that caused my head to hurt.
I was lieing down on . . . something. A bed? No . . . It wasn't comfortable enough for a bed . . . A couch maybe. That made sense. The girl was sitting on . . . a chair maybe, next to me. She was leaning over above me.
"What's it like? Seeing for the first time," she asked curiously, "Is it strange?"
I nodded, sitting up. "Very . . . I feel like I'm in another world . . . I-I don't know what anything is . . ."
"Let me show you," she said, grabbing my wrist.
"I'm Angel," she said, lifting my hand to her face.
Watching her intently, I gently caressed her face. Connecting what I was seeing to my memories of the way things felt. She smiled and I knew it was a smile because I could feel the muscles in her cheek moving the way they did when a person smiled.
"You're very pretty aren't you?" I asked.
She laughed. "That's a new one," she said.
"I'm serious," I said.
"Well . . .What do you think?"
"Well I can honestly say you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."
She laughed. "I feel flattered."
I laughed too and suddenly wished that I could see Julie Marie. And that's when it all hit me. I'd been so amazed by seeing that I hadn't thought about anything else. How was I possible seeing? Was I really vampire? How was I vampire? What had happened after the accident? Where was I? Where was Julie Marie? Was she alright?
"Julie Marie . . ." I mumbled, "Where is she?"
"Excuse me?" she asked.
"The woman who was in the car with me," I elaborated, "What happened to her?
Her face transformed and I wasn't quite sure what the emotion was. But her smile disappeared so I knew the answer wasn't good.
"I'm sorry honey but . . . She died. Broke her neck on impact," she said, "I'm so sorry. Was she your mother?"
I didn't say anything. I just stared at her. Julie Marie was dead. The only person who ever really cared about me was gone. I just couldn't comprehend it. My mind just shut down. I couldn't understand how such a thing was possible.
"Honey?" she asked worriedly.
"You're lieing," I accused, springing the rest of the way up.
"I really wish I was," she said.
"No!" I shouted furiously, jumping to my feet. "You're lieing! I don't believe you . . ."
"Sweetheart I'm sorry," she said, getting up as well.
"Shut up," I growled at her.
"I'm so so sorry," she said, full of remorse, "But it's true."
I felt numb, but not the senseless kind of numb; the good kind. This wasn't the good kind . . . This was the bad kind. This was the kind of numb where I felt all my pain and anguish but had no idea how to process it in my mind or react properly.
"It's not fair," I mumbled, staring at her.
"I know. It's horrible that you lost her," she sympathized.
"That's not what I meant," I told her, "It's unfair that she had to suffer and I didn't."
"What are you getting at?" she asked, seeming concerned.
"That I should have to suffer too," I said and without thinking, slashed my wrist with my nails. Somehow I knew my nails were now capable of breaking skin.
"Oh my God!" the girl exclaimed but I ignored her.
I automatically knew that the stuff pouring from the slash marks that ran up the inside of my arm was blood. The pain was real . . . But it wasn't quiet enough. Julie Marie had obviously suffered a lot worse. Even I had felt pain worse then this. So I decided to cut my other wrists. I slashed several bloody lines down my other wrist and was satisfied that the pain level was rising. I decided that I liked this . . . Liked the way the pain kept me from dealing. Liked the way the pain gave me something else to focus on. Liked the way the pain eased my guilt.
Liked the way it made me feel connected to Julie Marie.
