Holding just to hold on, hoping just to have one more day.
One day.
But since you shined a light on -all my hopes- have all gone away.
Away.

Collecting your secrets while I sleep,
tucking them away now nice and neat.
Shaking like a leaf, you're so afraid
I might find out what you're made of-

Ooh, what happened to you?
Ooh, what happened to you?
All alone and so afraid
That nothing ever stays the same, said-

Ooh, what happened to you?
Ooh, what happened to you?

—Emilie & Ogden

Rey stirred awake, held tightly by something wrapped around her, until, breathing in, she rolled over and her heavy blanket loosened and fell away. She stared up at the ceiling in silence. She'd slept soundly enough, but her body was stiff and she still felt exhausted.

She rolled off her bed and changed her clothes. The eyes that greeted her in the mirror as she washed her face (a new habit she'd come to like) stared back with a hollow gaze.

There was a notice blinking on her holopad when she picked it up. Another summons. And she soon found herself making her way back down to that tiny room with the one-way mirror. She was numb, now, as it flared to life.

A different day. Kylo's clothes fit him better, and his hair…images flashed through her mind of her fingers in that hair and her brow winced as she tried to shove the memories out of her head and follow what was going on in the vid.

The council was having their turn at presenting a particular charge. Mass slaughter of villages seemed to be today's theme. His body was slack in his seat as his head tilted at a slight angle to stare up at the ceiling. He wasn't even listening. He didn't care. She felt herself harden as she watched him more closely, but then…there was that shift of his jaw. His eyes slightly narrowed. Was he listening after all?

Kylo's defense took the stand- a gruff looking older man with a fistful of flimsies instead of using a pad like all the others. Was his name Petrova? Rey had never met him, but she'd seen him that day she accidentally wandered into the meeting hall. He seemed to look at her kindly then- maybe a bit sad. Why? He didn't know her…

Petrova stood up and began to counter the accusations. Just following orders, Undue influence, but one particular point, one that she must've missed while watching Kylo's utter nonchalance, seemed to stand out.

"With regards to that captain, let it be known," Petrova emphasized, "That had Kylo Ren objected to carrying out the execution as ordered in front of General Hux that Snoke would have punished him severely for it. I will remind the council, again," he continued with some irritation, "that the punishments Kylo was subject to would violate every rule of war in every system of the galaxy, and this was his own side! His own side bleeding him dry!" The man paused. He frowned. "Quite literally," he concluded in low tones.

Rey frowned. She glanced back at Kylo whose head was now bowed, veiled by his long hair, but he appeared to be focused on something. Was it Leia again? She wouldn't have been surprised.

Bleed him dry.

Rey remembered, or rather tried pointedly not to remember but it happened anyway, what it had been like just being briefly touched by Kylo's former mentor and she found herself hugging her arms tightly around herself at the idea of what it would be like to have Snoke fully in her mind all the time.

"Kylo…" she whispered quietly as the vid played on.

There was a jumpcut and suddenly Kylo was shown bowed over, arms propped on his legs, head hanging down as loosely as his hands…until they clenched.

"Petrova, enough, we want to hear it from him- did you hear the question addressed to you, Kylo Ren?"

She could see his knuckles whitening and even make out the tense set of his jaw. What were they even asking…

"Have you," the unseen speaker continued, "had any undue influence or control over Rey of Jakku, who has been visiting your cell regularly every night for the past two weeks?"

She was terrified that he appeared close to punching one of the nearby guards despite being cuffed and chained- by the look at him a little thing like that seemed impossible to stop him- but Rey's breath stopped in her throat as she stared wide-eyed in rapt attention at the vid. Suddenly his hands stretched open and he audibly let go his breath.

"How many times are you going to ask this question?" he growled in frustration, his voice taking on an almost desperate pitch and emotional inflection she'd never heard from him before. "How can you really—"

"Just answer the question!"

Kylo grew still. The familiar guise of the unmovable, emotionless Kylo Ren slipped back into place and Rey felt her blood run cold at the sight of it. That he would become that for this question, of all questions, was…

"Why," he asked flatly, hair hiding his eyes from view. Another mask. "Even if I did…even if I wanted…" he drawled throatily, leaning back in his seat now and holding his hands between his legs. "to get inside her head, make her mine…." he shrugged. "…there's nothing you could do about it."

A wicked smile crept its way onto his face and Rey felt her world freeze. Another voice. Female.

"Alright, that's enough- Kylo, frankly, stop bullshitting this committee- you couldn't get to Rey if you tried," Leia scoffed. A genuine twist of his lips seemed to transform his smile now as he laughed silently but Rey didn't see it. She was trapped in shock.

"Well then tell them to stop asking me. Stop bringing up Rey. She has nothing to do with this."

Rey pushed away from the console and stood up. The holovid played on as she tugged at the door to the room. Locked. Fuck them

Rey tried to slow her breathing in order to focus on the mechanism of the lock, to open it and let her out of this suffocating space that was killing her.

"I agree," Leia continued. "Ematt—"

"General," Kylo called, "Kindly make it clear to them in your post hearing meetings, for the final time, that Rey is dangerously strong with the Force—"

Rey stopped scratching at the door at the sound of her name in his voice and turned back to look at the screen.

Kylo's face was clear of all malice and he sat like a reasonable being in his seat, suddenly the picture of polite manners. "There is an excellent chance that, with the right training, she could become even more powerful than myself. More powerful than…"

She knew his eyes drifted to Leia now. He opened and shut his mouth as he worked to retool his thoughts.

"She's right. Even if I tried to somehow influence her towards me, the effort would be too great and would take much longer than a handful of weeks." he shook his head before glaring pointedly around the room. "You would do well to give her the credit she deserves and not doubt her. Judging by the farce you put this council and myself through on an almost daily basis you could use all the help you could get, and shunning a powerful Jedi in your midsts is a disgusting waste of resources. Not even you would be that stupid."

He snickered and looked away again.

Jedi. He'd called her a Jedi.

But he knew that wasn't the case- he knew she hadn't completed her training, and she'd even confessed that she felt she never really truly could become one, and he hadn't even seemed surprised…

Rey's shoulder slumped against the metal door as she took slow, even breaths. He was trying to help her. Calling her Jedi, emphasizing her power- did he really think she could become more powerful than him? It was to boost her image in their eyes, stop them from doubting her…maybe spook them enough into not mentioning her anymore.

He was protecting her.

Right?

Ohh, she was too easy to give in to these tiny hopes. She couldn't bring herself to give in to the tears that threatened to prickle at her eyes. He had said he could use her, could manipulate her. This man talked out of one side of his mouth and then turned and talked out of the other. The frustration that hit her was overwhelming, and whether it was true, not true, lies, danger, protection, she was done. Turning to the door, it flew open and she nearly ran into the girl who had been walking towards it who stared at her with large eyes now as Rey stepped forward with a cold stare.

"I'm finished here," Rey declared flatly, and simply walked away.

Her feet moved of their own volition, taking her steadily…somewhere…until she found herself in the open maw of the maintenance hanger. It had been days since she'd been here, choosing instead to practice sword forms, taking advantage of the advice that Ky—

No.

She strode up to a nearby X-wing and snatched the repair order taped to its nose. Several elements of the engine needed replacing. Excellent. Rey grabbed a pair of gloves and a nearby toolpack and got to work. That's how Finn had found her- torso shoved inside the maintenance space of the ship and streaked with oil.

"Rey," he called. "Rey?"

She pulled herself down and looked out in surprise.

"Hello," she said simply, and hoisted herself back in.

Finn grinned easily but arched a brow as he ducked under the ship to take a better look. He couldn't see anything- she was working too deeply inside the machine.

"Got a lot going on today?"

"Hmm?"

"I thought we could try and catch up some," he continued as Rey lowered herself down again. "Since you're ahh…since you have some free time again," he concluded.

She wiped loose strands of hair from her forehead, leaving a long smudge of grease across her skin as she tried to dust herself down. He smiled as he ambled up to her.

"You know, chit-chat, that thing most people do around here when we aren't fighting for our lives against the Order. You wouldn't be interested in that at all, would you?"

He raised a hand to rub at the mess on her forehead and he tried to ignore the way she flinched before his thumb closed in. He worked to smooth it away but the line just spread wider, making it worse.

"I thought we could spend more time together," he said casually.

He frowned at the smudge he'd made, a bit embarrassed, before giving up with a sheepish smile and wiping his hand on his pants before sticking them in his pockets with a shrug of his shoulders.

"So what do they have you doing? Is the damage control serious?"

Rey sighed as she grabbed up a nearby rag.

"Reviewing trial vids. It's…." She shook her head. "How about you? Have they spoken to you?" she asked as she began to wipe away the grease and oil.

Finn sucked at his lower lip. "No, but I did hear that they finally figured out what was taken from inventory."

At this, Rey perked up. "What did he take?"

Finn became pensive. "Seems it was just his old gear- helmet, old dusty getup…his saber."

They sighed heavily in unison as Rey looked away.

"So nothing really belonging to the Resistance then?"

"It doesn't seem like it….they don't understand why."

Rey felt a dark smirk pulling at her lips. "What would Kylo Ren want with inferior Resistance gear?"

At that, Finn barked out a laugh. "That's true! The First Order is evil to the core, but you can't deny their stuff is cutting edge," he admitted candidly, rubbing the back of his neck. Slowly, his eyes found their way to hers.

"Rey…I know things seem like they're going to hell…but what can I do? How can I be there for you?" he asked plaintively. His eyes settled rather affectionately on her face and she smiled.

"My friend," she said, resting her hand on his shoulder. "Nothing. You don't need to do anything. Just be yourself. It's what I love about you," she said with a grin.

Finn arched a brow as a small smile played on his lips. "Love?" he asked.

She looked back at him holding her smile. "Well yeah," she said with a small shrug. "about all of you."

His brow flinched briefly as he stepped a bit closer to her, resting his hands on her arms. He took in a deep breath. Rey's smile faltered slightly as she peered at him curiously. "Finn?"

Leaning down slowly, almost timidly, his cheek brushed hers as he left a small kiss. Rey froze, tense in his hold. What was he doing? Is this what good friends…

As he pulled back slightly, he looked at her with a seriousness she'd never seen before as she stared back in mild shock. When she didn't move away, he moved closer, but this time she could feel his breath on her face as his lips hovered over hers. Snapping back to the present, her eyes grew wide and she quickly but gently rested her fingers over his mouth with a gentle push.

"I'm…" she began, trying hard to resist the urge to avert her eyes. "Finn, I'm…" she sighed and gave in, looking away. "I'm flattered…moved, even, that you would think of me this way."

He frowned, trying to shake his head but Rey's fingers didn't budge. "Really I am, but…." she shook her head and finally looked up at him with a stricken expression. "I can't….I can't."

She could see his face fall as she dropped her hands away. She tried to give him a heartening smile, and gripped his arm kindly as she moved away, leaving him next to the ship. He didn't call out to her. He didn't say anything. The silence was penetrating. But the feel of his mouth against her hand as she left kept distracting her. She could only think that Finn's lips felt nothing like his. That sensation…that static. It wasn't there. It wasn't there.

By the time Leia found her, she had been sequestered in some obscure part of the base for hours. Night was falling, she knew, but couldn't bring herself to care. She could sleep anywhere, had slept anywhere. She was surprised when the General rounded the tiny offshoot passageway, still rough from unfinished construction.

"So this is where you've been hiding," she said casually with a light smile.

"Oh," Rey muttered in surprise, looking up from the spot on the wall she'd been staring at for who knows how long. "Sorry, do you need me? The base has just been so busy, I'm not really used to it and it got overwhelming so—" she spilled out in a rush.

Leia gave a small laugh and held up a hand. "It's…it's ok, Rey. You're free to go anywhere you like, you know that. But it's been several hours since anyone's seen you…"

Leia's brow arched slightly as Rey deflated, slumping back against the wall behind her. She knows. How can she not know? Wouldn't she be naturally upset, too?

"I just don't understand…" she began, fingering a part of the stone wall that had crumbled to the floor. "I don't understand how he can just go back to them like that. After all that's happened."

Rey chucked the bit of hardness back at the wall. Leia sighed.

"Well," she said, leaning casually against the wall with one shoulder. "I realize I might be a little bias," she continued with a roll of her eyes and a bob of her head, "But I think he'll come back."

Rey listened without looking, her hand rubbing absently at her mouth as her mind ran through the same circle of arguments it'd been going through all day.

"I think…" the General began again carefully, "between you and me, that whatever he's doing….ultimately it's to protect us. And let me tell you, Rey, it's been a very long time since I've been able to say that," she said with a sad smile.

Rey turned to look at the older woman and her brow furrowed.

"I think he'll be back," Leia repeated almost in a whisper.

Rey's eyes shut tightly as her face flushed on the verge of tears. She swallowed hard. "I want…to believe that. But I've seen so much. Too much to think that it could really be that simple," she finished with a forlorn shake of her head.

"Maybe if he'd stayed with us longer," she tried to rationalize aloud, running a hand through her hair. "Maybe…if he'd been out of a prison cell. Gotten to know everyone," she insisted, looking up at her.

Maybe it would've been enough to stop him from leaving.

Leia looked sympathetically at the young woman and merely shook her head. "You forget, Rey. Ben grew up in all this. All of these old, grizzled officials you see still hanging around? He already knows them all. I don't think he liked them as a kid, and he definitely doesn't like them as an adult—"

Rey gave a small fluster of laughter and Leia tilted her head in her direction questioningly.

"What?" the General asked.

"He, um," she mumbled, motioning towards her. "He does that, too. Reads everyone's minds before they can finish."

Rey gave a sudden grin as Leia pursed her lips and took in a slightly embarrassed breath. "I…realize it's a little annoying sometimes. It's also a choice," she said pointedly with an arch of her brow. "Somehow your thoughts slipped to me anyway, it seems."

Rey's smile faltered, mind forcibly flashing back to every time she yelled at him in the wastes over the terrible habit, and her face pinched in pain.

"Rey," she began gently. Her voice was soft, Rey thought. Was this what the voice of a mother sounded like? "Rey, I'm worried about you. What can I do to help?"

Rey sniffed back the tears she felt burning around the rims of her eyes and slowly stood up.

"It's alright….really," she insisted, her voice only slightly shaky. "It's alright."

From somewhere deep inside herself she pulled up her best smile and, gripping the older woman's arm with all the affection she could muster, left.

Leia watched her walk down the corridor and around the corner before leaning back against the wall with a heavy sigh.

"I hope so."

Rey found herself approaching the prison block. She wasn't sure why she was here. There wasn't anyone there anymore.

The guards didn't seem surprised by her approach- they knew her now. She stood in front of Kylo's cell in silence when one of them timidly turned towards her.

"Um, didn't you want—?"

Rey nodded, staring at the door ahead of her.

"Right," the guard said. The door slid open.

When she entered the cell, she didn't know, really, what she expected to find there. Should it have been the way it was when she left it? The bunk was pushed back to the center of the wall, and the blanket, no longer on the floor but changed for a new one, sat neatly folded at its end. That it should look so neat, as if he'd never been there…

She cried, and she let gravity take her slowly to the floor when her knees decided they didn't want to hold her up anymore. She sat on the cell floor, and she wept.

"General?"

"Yes, what is it?" Leia queried, digging into a late breakfast. She put her daily flimsies aside as one of the officers came through the door.

"Well?" she asked again.

The man cleared his throat. "General, it seems no one's seen Rey this morning."

Leia blinked slowly up at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means they think she's missing, ma'am. We did a quick search before bringing it to your attention, but two of her friends are waiting outside in a bit of a panic."

Leia felt a surge of anxiety spike through her. How had she not seen this coming sooner? Oh Rey was good…

"Let them in," she commanded.

Finn and Poe nearly fell into her office and Leia glared pointedly at them.

"General, we can't find her anywhere," Poe insisted.

Finn looked particularly stricken. "Yeah," he said more levelly than his friend. "We checked all the usual places and then some. A scan of the base also came up negative," he finished, looking down demurely at the floor. Leia narrowed her eyes in suspicion. No, it would have to wait.

"General," Poe began. "Do you think she's….do you think she's gone after Kylo Ren?"

Leia heaved a massive sigh and dropped her spoon onto her plate before slowly rising to her feet. Her petit form still managed to loom over her desk as she planted her fingers squarely on its surface and fixed each of them with her gaze.

"No one, I repeat no one, has permission to leave this base to go after either one of them, is that understood?"

"But General—"

Leia waved a sharply dismissive hand. "No 'But General' s— I forbid it. Rey can take care of herself. Heavens know she grew up on a planet similar to this. She'll survive."

Poe looked defeated and Finn looked…guilty. Leia pursed her lips in contemplation, considering the likelihood of any rebellious behavior.

"I'm serious about those orders, Commander. Finn. No one is to leave this base."

With another heady sigh, she retook her seat.

"Dismissed," she said calmly.

She picked up one of her dailies and passed her eyes over it, trying to at least appear to be getting back to work as the two lingered in her doorway, deciding whether or not to countermand her. After a moment, she heard the door hiss as they left. She felt it, knew they'd listen to her. Unlike her son. Unlike Rey.

"Well," she said quietly, picking up her cup of caf and giving it a swirl. "If there's anyone who can bring him back, it's her," she said to no one, and carefully took a sip.

The base was tiny on the horizon as Rey stood in the wastes against the blue of the impending sunrise. She breathed in the dry but still cool air as she watched the color spill back into the sky.

She reached out, and closed her eyes to feel.

'Kylo.'