Disclaimer- I do not have the pleasure of owning Torchwood. If I did, there would be less aliens and more beautiful Welsh vowels. As you can tell by the aliens, the BBC has the honour of owning the show.
Spoilers- None- for once this is absolutely, completely and utterly AU
Rating- T
Again, I'm so sorry for the delay- I've been having some trouble with writer's block and several unrelated issues in Real Life. I can't tell you when the next chapter will be, since my muse appears to have deserted me and I have exams just around the corner; but in the meantime I hope you enjoy this one.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing; your continued support means so much to me.
Special thanks to my fabulous beta Amethystbutterflys, who owes me 5 flavours of ice cream, 2 bottles of whipped cream and a tub of sprinkles. Cara'ch cariad.
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Halfway There
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"Anywhere in particular that you want to go?" Jack enquired as he parked up the SUV.
Ianto shook his head. He still needed to get presents for his family, but he suspected that anywhere Jack took him would be way beyond his budget. Given his observations of Rose and Lisa together, he suspected that Tosh would not much enjoy the afternoon's shopping, which meant that he ought to be able to drag her out to the budget places he knew in Cardiff.
Jack nodded. "Ok then, I have a bit of Christmas shopping to do if that's alright?"
The Welshman smiled. "At the risk of sounding unbelievably cheesy, as long as I'm with you I really don't mind where we go."
The model laughed. "I'll bear that in mind next time I need a victim to drag down the West End with me."
Ianto's face was a picture. He might be gay, but musical theatre was certainly not his be all and end all.
"I'm joking," Jack reassured him with a grin. "I have no shortage of willing victims."
"Female?" Ianto guessed, and the model chuckled.
"Now who's stereotyping, Mr Jones?"
"I didn't say anything about stereotypes!" the Welshman protested.
"No, but you were thinking about it."
"Oh, shut up and take me shopping."
The American grinned. "With pleasure."
As they had been talking their feet had led them in the direction of Harrod's, and Jack's eyes lit up at the sight of the shop. Ianto raised an eyebrow, preparing himself for a heart attack.
Once they entered the store, it became immediately clear that Jack felt at home there, whereas Ianto had never felt more out of place in his life. It was not a sensation he enjoyed, and dismally he wondered how long his relationship with the model could hold up under the pressure of their completely different incomes and lifestyles. The moment of misery reminded him of the suspicious phone call the previous evening, and he flushed slightly, debating how best to bring the matter up with Jack. At the present time, the model seemed far too absorbed in scanning the shop with a critical eye, as if looking for something special.
"Searching for anything in particular?" the Welshman asked, and the American smiled vaguely. "Yes and no- I know who I'm looking for, but not precisely what."
"Anyone I know?" Ianto enquired, wondering if he could make himself useful.
Jack considered. "Well, there's Tosh and Lisa now; you can help with those. Gwen I shopped for online; you don't know Owen or Rhys or Chrissy; I've already bought for Vanessa… Hmm." A sudden thought struck him. "Hey, I don't suppose you have nephews and nieces, do you?"
Ianto smiled. "As a matter of fact I do. David is seven and Micah is five."
The American grinned. "Excellent! You'll know what to buy for a three-year-old princess and a six-year-old demon then."
The musician raised an eyebrow. "Angel wings and devil horns?"
Jack burst out laughing. "You know, that's not a bad idea. I think my brother might kill me though."
"I'll keep thinking then," Ianto deadpanned, suddenly realising he had not even begun to consider what to buy for David and Micah this year, much less Johnny and Rhiannon.
"How good are you at shopping for women?" he demanded, and Jack raised an eyebrow.
"Depends on who the women are. Why, don't know what to get for your sister?"
The Welshman shook his head. "Not a clue. We're not exactly close."
"Bottle of wine and some nice chocolates?" the American suggested.
Ianto snorted. "Her husband is an alcoholic."
"Sorry, didn't realise." Jack squeezed his hand softly, and he smiled up at his boyfriend.
"It's alright, you weren't to know."
"I'm assuming she's the mother of your five- and seven-year-old niece and nephew?"
The Welshman nodded. "Yep. They live on a council estate and she works part time as a hairdresser," he added, as if the information might somehow help Jack think of something or, failing that, make him realise what a mistake he was making with Ianto and let the Welshman go before his heart got broken- though potentially it was too late for that.
As if sensing his boyfriend's thoughts, Jack frowned. "You're not just worrying about what to buy your sister, are you?"
Guiltily Ianto shook his head.
"What is it?"
The Welshman hesitated, and Jack slipped a hand through his. "Come on, Ianto, you can tell me anything."
Feeling as if that was true, Ianto gathered his courage and brought up the subject he really wanted to clear up. "That phone call last night…"
"Ah…" Jack dropped Ianto's hand, turning away.
"I see," the musician forced out between gritted teeth. "So what you said earlier about monogamy-"
"-Was absolutely truthful," Jack finished for him. "Trust me, Ianto- there's only you. That phone call- it's complicated."
"Define complicated."
"Do you remember on our second date I mentioned my oldest friend?"
Ianto thought back. "Yeah, I think so," he nodded slowly. "The one who was on drugs?"
"That's the one," Jack winced at the candid question. "I guess I should tell you sooner rather than later- once upon a time, a very long time ago, before I even met Gwen, we used to date. We haven't been a couple in seventeen years, but since he's been in rehab I have on occasion offered certain… cathartic incentives, shall we say?"
The Welshman's eyes narrowed, and the American hastened to continue. "24 hours after meeting you, I withdrew that option from him… permanently. He seems to be taking it harder than I expected, and it's made me question all my interaction with him over the last eighteen years." His voice dropped and tears filled his eyes as he confessed in a whisper, "I think I might be the reason he started on drugs in the first place."
"I'm sure that's not true," Ianto asserted firmly, slipping a hand through Jack's. "Eighteen years is a long time; and there must be scores of possible reasons for him to have started using. If you really want to know, I guess you'd have to talk to him. But until then, there's no use blaming yourself for something that probably isn't your fault."
"But what if it was?" Jack whispered, hating himself for letting Ianto see him so vulnerable.
Across the store, the smallest of smiles flitted across the lips of a pretty blonde examining a vase with apparent interest.
"If it was your fault, then it's just something the two of you will have to work through together. In the meantime… I believe you promised me a date?"
A smile crept across Jack's lips slowly. "I believe I did. Well then, we'd best get to shopping- don't want the girls to beat us!"
Ianto rolled his eyes. "Firstly, it's not a competition. Secondly, given the size of your credit card I think the girls would have to try extremely hard and shop extremely recklessly to even come close."
The model gasped theatrically. "Why Mr Jones, are you calling me rich?"
Ianto smiled coyly, fluttering his eyelashes. "But Mr Harkness, aren't you?"
Jack grinned. "Are you gonna dump me if I say no?"
"Of course," Ianto responded. "It's the only reason I'm dating you actually- I'm a vapid, shallow modeliser who has completely failed to notice your sense of humour, intelligence, kindness and generosity; and your looks are just the icing on the cake."
The model chuckled. "Marry me."
"It'll cost you," Ianto warned with a smirk.
"Try me."
"With an even division of property on our divorce, I think I'd find myself several million pounds richer."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "And then some."
"Hmm…" Ianto pretended to think about it. "No."
The American grinned. "I rest my case."
His boyfriend grinned back. "Which case is this? That I'm not actually a vapid, shallow modeliser; or that I'm starting to make you paranoid?"
Jack tutted. "It's not paranoia, Ianto, it's an inferiority complex."
"I do apologise. How so?"
"I'm not man enough for you."
Ianto raised an eyebrow. "I'll be the judge of that, on the seventh date."
"Only three and a half to go…" Jack leered.
"Halfway there," Ianto observed with a grin. "Three and a half dates down and you're still resisting my advances- I'm going to have to try harder," he teased.
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Is that so? In that case I shall have to redouble my efforts to persuade you to marry me."
"You're proposing because I can't keep my hands off you?" Ianto frowned.
The model grinned. "No. I'm proposing because it's fun. Although they do say that sex stops after marriage, so it might be a way to slow those advances of yours…"
The Welshman raised an eyebrow. "You realise that due to the bans and everything, we would have passed the seventh date and would therefore have no reason to get married?"
Jack chuckled. "Lucrative divorces?"
"I thought we'd established that I'm not shallow?"
The model smiled. "Just testing."
"What would you do if I actually said yes?"
"You won't," Jack opined with confidence.
"But if I did?"
"But you won't."
"What makes you say that?"
Jack smirked. "Because I've spent three dates observing you closely, Ianto Jones. You'll never say yes, because there's a tiny part of you that's worried I might actually be serious."
"And are you?"
The American laughed. "What do you think?"
Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Well you won't sleep with me until the seventh date because a tiny part of you is worried that I might actually turn out to be a vapid, shallow modeliser after all. So I'm guessing not."
Jack grinned. "Give the man a coconut!"
He passed Ianto a bottle of coconut and orchid bath milk, the nearest thing to a literal coconut that he could lay his hands on at that moment.
"Why thank you," the Welshman observed, examining the bottle on the off-chance it might do for Rhiannon. The price caught his eye and the delicate glass vessel slipped from between limp fingers.
Fortunately, Jack's reflexes were quick, and he caught the bottle before it hit the polished wooden floor.
"Careful, this is quality stuff!"
Ianto stared at him, and he shrugged defensively. "Yes, I take baths! They're relaxing, ok?"
Jolted back to reality, the musician laughed. "Would you like some scented candles and soothing music with that, Monsieur Bing?"
Jack laughed. "Could I be any more insulted by that comment?"
Tired of the constant recurrence of 'Friends' quotes, Ianto tried to steer the conversation into waters he knew better. "I wanna rip your clothes off and kiss every inch of your body."
The American grinned. "There's plenty of time for that later. Don't change the subject."
"I do apologise, Your Highness. What subject would you like to discuss?"
Jack grinned like the cat that got the cream. "Well, darling Cinders, how about… what to get Tosh and Lisa for Christmas?"
Ianto groaned, batting his boyfriend with the back of his hand. "That's not fair! I swear to god that's cheating!"
"What is?" Jack asked, his eyes wide and innocent.
Ianto resolved to provoke that look again when he had a camera on him: he could think of several sneaky uses for such a photo. In the meantime, however, he merely rolled his eyes.
"Bubble bath?" he suggested the first item to pop into his head.
Jack added a layer of confusion to his exaggerated innocence. "How is bubble bath cheating? Because it's easy and impersonal?"
The Welshman rolled his eyes. "No dear, because it's stepping out with the shower gel when it's engaged to the shampoo."
Jack's hearty laugh rang out through the store, drawing curious glances their way. Flattered by the model's response, for once Ianto scarcely noticed.
"Oh dear, I think that calls for some disciplinary action…" the American grinned.
The Welshman raised an eyebrow. "Pray tell me, good sir, how do you discipline bubble bath?"
Jack smirked, leaning closer to murmur seductively in his boyfriend's ear. "Come around to my place sometime and I'll show you."
Ianto smirked back. "Will this involve your DVD collection by any chance?"
"Good lord, Ianto!" the American shot back in mock horror. "Do you really think I'd risk my precious DVD collection by submerging it in water?"
Ianto looked scandalised. "You don't wash your DVD collection? You can stay out of my disc drive!"
Several more pairs of eyes fixed on the couple as Jack collapsed in hysterics. When the American recovered a few moments later, he shot his boyfriend a smirk that was positively decadent.
"Why Mr Jones, I would have thought that you'd quite like my dirty DVDs…" he murmured in the Welshman's ear.
Ianto choked on thin air. "Why Mr Harkness, isn't that a tenth date kind of revelation?"
Jack chuckled. "Oh dear, is it? Oops, you seem to have jumped the gun a bit."
The Welshman smirked. "Are you remembering something I'm not? Because I could have sworn that's off-limits until the seventh date…"
The model shook his head sadly, swallowing a laugh with difficulty. "Ianto Jones; and I thought you were so young and sweet and innocent…"
Ianto's smirk grew. "Evidently I've been spending too much time with you- you must be rubbing off on me."
It was Jack's turn to look scandalised. "Not in public! Dear god, Ianto, what kind of exhibitionist do you take me for?"
"Hold on- are you asking me not to read anything into the fact that you pose in boxers for a living?"
The model pouted. "I'm not always wearing boxers!"
The musician raised an eyebrow. "And there I was thinking that you don't do glamour modelling…"
Jack smirked. "Oh, I never say never- I might be persuaded to do some private showings."
Ianto's other eyebrow rose. "Are you propositioning me, Mr Harkness?"
"I was simply repeating my earlier offer to show you my DVD collection someday."
"Oh, I see- does it include 'The Proposal'?"
"Are you proposing to me, Mr Jones?"
"I was simply trying to create a picture of your DVD collection in my mind."
The model raised an eyebrow. "And you can't even wait until the bedding section? It seems I was right- you really are chilli-chocolate beefcake, aren't you?"
"Chilli-chocolate beefcake?"
Jack smirked. "Hot decadent male, bordering on the avant-garde."
The Welshman chuckled. "Oh, I see. Well, I stand by my decision of vanilla cheesecake for you: sweet, fragrant, effeminate dessert that everyone loves, which you have to wait for but in the end it's worth it."
The model brought out his trademark pout. "Effeminate?" His lip wobbled melodramatically.
Ianto smirked. "I rest my case, Cinderella."
Jack smiled softly back at his boyfriend, cupping his Welshman's cheek with one hand and drawing him into a tender kiss.
"It will be worth the wait, I promise," he murmured against Ianto's lips, and the musician smiled and kissed him back.
"I know it will." He waited a beat, then smirked. "If only because I'll be so horny by then that even women will start to look attractive."
Jack laughed. "Remind me not to take you back to Ayesha's before the seventh date then- wouldn't want you eloping with your fiancée now, would we?"
Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Now why would I do that when it would be far more fun to run off with yours?"
The model gasped. "You wouldn't dare steal the woman who makes Cardiff's best cheesecake away from me!"
His boyfriend chuckled. "Ooh, now I know how to really hurt you…" A sudden thought struck him, and he smirked. "Hey, does this obsession you have with cheesecake make you secretly straight?"
Jack poked his tongue out. "Oh, I see what you're doing there, Mr Jones. You think that if you insult my manhood enough I'll whip it out and prove to you just how damn manly I can be."
Ianto laughed. "Damn, was I really so transparent?"
Jack smirked. "Of course, I could just do this the easy way…"
Dropping to one knee, he grasped Ianto's hands in his. "Ianto darling, light of my life, you make me happier than ever I thought a dirty-minded, witty Welshman could. I cannot bear the thought of life without you. So, beautiful Ianto, would you do me the very great honour of becoming my wife?"
Ianto smirked. "You're paying for the sex change operation. AND wearing the dress."
Jack laughed. "Is that a yes?"
His Welshman chuckled, hauling the American to his feet. "No, dear. I rather think I shall marry Tosh- at least she doesn't object to me being manlier than her."
The model raised an eyebrow. "Ok, alright alright alright, you win! Can we go dress shopping now?"
