I've fallen in love.
Well no not really. I am still pretty young so I guess I've never really fallen in love. But I've kissed a girl I've had deep feelings for. So I know what it should feel like.
It shouldn't feel like that.
When I kissed Maria I had hoped it would feel right.
But I get nothing.
It was actually really weird.
I have been hoping that my feelings would change.
I had hoped that when we kissed I would see fireworks.
Instead I felt guilt. I desperately wanted more.
But it felt wrong.
I DO love Maria. She's been my best friend for years. I've seen her date guys before. Some I didn't approve of. Some I kinda did approve of. But I hated almost any guy that took my friends attention away from me.
I was kinda an asshole when I was younger. I liked the attention both the girls gave me and it bugged me when I didn't have it fully anymore.
I know there was going to be a day where they would pick the guy over me. I was no where near ready for when that time came.
I guess I was hoping that if we ended up together then it would just be easier.
Now.
I saw how she stared at Chris. I saw how hurt she was by his secrets. I see how her eyes light up every time he's near.
When I kissed her I get her body tense up. I got no response. She didn't return the kiss at all. And when we broke apart her eyes immediately sought out Chris.
The way she looked. If I didn't know any better I would think she just cheated on him. She looked so guilty. So sorry.
Chris looked hurt.
I felt like I was keeping Romeo and Juliet apart.
So yes I told her to go after him.
Because without knowing it she chose him already.
She opened up her heart and Chris wormed his way into it.
I guess I should be grateful she picked someone that will be able to protect her.
As for me. I have to learn to let go.
Let go of the family I created on the boat.
Let go of the happy ending I was hoping to have with Maria.
She's still my friend and I still don't like him.
But I have to start accepting the fact that they are just a little too perfect for each other.
Just because I accept it, doesn't mean I have to like it.
