"I hope it's okay that I came?"
"My door is always open for you and yours, cheekbones…." smiled Fin dotingly, handing Olivia a glass of water and sitting beside her on his couch, "… always has been."
"Yeah, well, it's very much appreciated."
"You realise that Elliot Stabler has been making you cry for four decades now?"
"Fin!" she cried, a little horrified, but in her dark shadows she found herself smiling.
"I'm not kidding, he owes me billable hours."
"Oh come on you're not being fair…." she tutted, rolling her eyes dismissively, "… and I'm not crying."
"I sat with you right on this very couch when baby girl was no bigger than a bag of carrots. We talked about you and Stabler and what happened next and you remember what I said?"
"Run? Fast?" she quipped drily, knowing him painfully well, knowing that defending Elliot too staunchly to him would never stick. "Fin you don't have to remind me that you've always had your reservations about Elliot, any more than I have to tell you that we reached a point where we all got along just fine years ago. Don't be difficult."
"Your boy's got balls, huh?" said Fin, and she knew just exactly what he was writing between the lines.
"Calvin?"
"I should want to break his neck for doing that to baby girl and somehow I've wound up wanting to shake the guy's hand. What's with that, huh? That's all shades of messed up. I can't iron it straight in my mind."
"I think that everything has always been a little more complicated where Cal's concerned."
"The lights are back on behind Tex's eyes, that's for damn sure."
"I need to speak with her. I need to make sure she knows this isn't her fault. I know she'll take it on, she'll blame herself."
"She carries the world heavier than you do and that's saying something. She does that thing you do. Feeling other people's pain like it's your own."
"You're pretty fond of her, huh?" smiled Olivia warmly. Fin didn't fall hard for many people, but when he did they were locked forever in his heart.
"I've been Team Evie since that girl took her first breath but I hope she's got the good grace to let me love them both too. Her mother would have."
"You give me too much credit…." said Olivia, her eyes wide and loving as she looked over at him, "… you always have."
"You're my best friend, cheekbones. Even Melinda knows not to mess with that."
"And you're the best friend I ever had, or could ever wish for. I probably don't say that as often as I should Odafin."
"So come on then, the suspense is killing me. What emotional door did Stabler put his fist through this time?"
"I started it."
"Is that relevant? Are we in preschool?" said Fin unflinchingly. His patience waned with age and he no longer held onto that one shred of desire to filter his words for politics' sake.
"I asked him if he'd have ever left Kathy for me if I hadn't have gotten pregnant with Evie."
"Nope."
"What?"
"You knew the answer before you asked, that's what pissed him off right?" shrugged Fin. "What'd he say?"
"He asked me if how close I'd come to keeping Eve's paternity secret and raising her with Haden."
"So basically after however many decades of marriage the two of you are still just tearing lumps out of each other arguing chicken and egg?"
"Well I, no, not….." stumbling for a minute and then sighing heavily Olivia closed her eyes, "… yeah basically. I'm embarrassed now."
"It makes sense this would all come back up for you after what's happened with Evie."
"It's stupid, I know that. Calvin isn't Elliot."
"No, no he is not….." pronounced Fin, his eyes widening emphatically as he sucked in a breath.
"Stop it."
"Liv what does it matter? Really? How close you came to not telling him and moving away from New York with Haden? Whether he'd have had the balls to leave Kathy if you hadn't had his kid? Does it make any difference now? You could play that game forever and it wouldn't change anything."
"I know, I know you're right. I guess you could just call it my Achilles Heel. My rational mind knows it's a waste of energy but…."
"What if you'd gotten sick and never gone to that ball? Never schtupped Stabler in the elevator?"
"Wow, okay well…"
"You can play it with other people's lives. What if Amanda hadn't died, would Mel and I have gotten back together? What if Gil hadn't run scared of Tex and her demons, would Calvin have ever realised he was in love with her? What if Evie had stayed in New York instead of taking the job in San Francisco…."
"That's a little close to the bone."
"Doesn't make it any less true."
"No, not it doesn't."
"What if Johnny Arliss had never gotten himself arrested and had his kid cousin come fetch him from the 1-6?"
"I'd never have found him again and he'd never have met Evie."
"We make choices, good and bad, every day Liv. We do the right thing, what we feel in our gut, our head, our heart, whatever, every damn day. You can't start picking and choosing which actions and reactions you play God with and question once they're done. Were you scared to get hurt again so you didn't tell him Eve was his? Or were you partly just punishing him for not being willing to commit?"
"Yeah, no, you're right, let's not ask questions."
"He had a family, he had three hundred kids already with a woman he was trying his best to do right by. He had responsibility and Catholic guilt up to his eyeballs, he had Daddy issues, Mommy issues, and he was so old school it was prehistoric. Maybe he should've dropped Kathy and the kids like hot coals the second he realised he was in love with you but he didn't. I don't see that as him loving you any less; he just handled it badly is all."
"Did you just defend Elliot?" she smirked, but it became a genuine smile when he didn't fire back an instant defence of deflective quip.
"Life is too damn short, Liv. The man is totally and completely in love with you, whatever else is true it can't and it won't change that. Don't damage what you've got, don't lessen everything you've worked to build together by asking questions that make no difference now."
"I lost you."
"I'm here."
"How come?" asked Calvin, draping his arms over the open window of his truck and pulling a confused expression. "You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I…." she was sat on the backseat, her shoes off and her long tan legs kicked up on the seat. The uncharacteristically demure black shift dress she had worn for the memorial service was now hitched thigh high and he struggled not to notice.
"S'up Boots?" he smiled, concerned, tiling his head and waiting with patient warmth. They had parked the car in an old abandoned lot miles from anywhere, and a long walk from the suburban funeral home in their old neighbourhood.
"Couple of the guys had a flask they were passing around, and a couple of goodie bags…." she swallowed slowly, nodding her head and eyes to the space outside the truck behind his shoulders, "… so I gave myself an enforced time out."
"Enforced?" he puzzled, brows furrowed as he turned around and ran his gaze over the sidewalk. Seeing his car keys tossed there he closed his eyes and took a steading breath before turning back to the window. "You locked yourself in my truck?"
"It was pretty intense back there…" she shrugged, biting lightly on her lip and trusting him with the honest truth, "… so I just needed to not be able to make a mistake. That's all."
"Tex there's no one for miles around. How were you gonna pee if I got caught up back there? What if…."
"Yeah well it wasn't a well thought out plan, okay?" she snapped, and then laughed a little to herself. "I just needed to not fuck up and get faded. Can you maybe be a little less judgy on my strategy for that please?"
"Can you maybe have your strategy next time be to come get me? To find me and let me help you?"
"Oh, yeah, I…." she was too used to dealing with life alone, it hadn't honestly crossed her mind.
"Hey, scoot your feet over let me sit down…" he decided, unlocking the car door and jumping up into the backseat beside her. Sighing heavily he sank back into the battered cushion and loosened his tie with relief, unbuttoning the top of his shirt and tipping his head back, eyes closed. "Jesus am I glad that's over."
"I hate to tell you, but I'm not so sure Jesús, nuestro Señor was at that particular funeral, guapo."
"Nah, nah probably not…." smirked Calvin, his head falling to the right and an open palm following suit. She smiled back, reaching for his hand and holding it gently. "You hangin' in there?"
"I had his baby, Cal."
"Yup, yeah, fucked up right?" he laughed mordantly, heaving another sigh. "You having some feelings about that?"
"Having some feelings? You're a regular Dr Phil when you want to be…" she teased, crawling closer to him and leaning forward to kiss his cheek. "I'm fine."
"Why do people do that? It just takes longer this way. You're not fine, you know you're not fine, and I know you're not fine. Can we just move along to the part where we talk about it?"
"What do you want me to say, mi amor?" she said quietly, and sensing she needed his closeness Calvin opened up his chest and let her curl up into it. "It was very grey for me with him. I know you and Livia see black and white but I didn't. I lost any ability to tell the difference between what was him loving me and what was…."
"Rape?" said Calvin flatly.
"He was our family, Cal. For a long, long time he showed up for me and you when no one else did. He protected us; he was there for birthdays and Thanksgiving and Christmas. He was a monster; I know that, I'm not a total fool. It's just grey for me, that's all. I had a daughter with the guy, right?"
"Yeah, yeah and it's still the bravest fucking thing I've seen a person do for another person; the way you gave Sophia up to keep her away from him."
"Do you remember when you were starting quarterback at the state semi-final?" she asked, stroking a hand absentmindedly at his chest and playing with the buttons of his shirt. "We all came to watch. Viv, Johnny, whatever girl he was seeing at that point and me. Your mom got messed up and started yelling 'that's my boy, that's my beautiful baby boy!' so loud in the stands the cheer stopped. Literally those girls turned right around to the drunk hollering in the stands."
"My mother, ladies and gentleman…." groaned Calvin. He wished he could remember Vivian at her best, beautiful and alive. Somehow, however, she was always just sad, lonely, drunk and then finally a drug addled corpse.
"Johnny took her out, just threw her over his shoulder and freakin' evacuated her. He was so mad he missed the game but he did that for you Cal. He did a lot of stuff that was bad for you, but he did some good along the way."
"I mean he fucking took the bullet that killed him for me."
"Yeah, and you're allowed to have some feelings about that…." she said, turning her head into him and pressing a kiss against his chest.
"You know what I remember about that Friday?" he asked, and she could hear his heart quicken its beat against her cheek. "Losing the game and not giving a crap. Everyone was screaming, running around like crazy, and I just stood there looking up into the crowd. Looking for you."
"I was there."
"You were always there."
"Huh."
"We left them all to their partying and we got the hell out of there. We took my truck through the Wendy's drive through for food and then we just headed out to the middle of nowhere and we lay on the warm hood and…"
"Got totally wasted?" she offered, elbowing him in the stomach as she leveraged herself to an upright sit.
"We got a little drunk, Tex, don't be so fucking dramatic. We were kids; we were still just kids then."
"I remember some other things we did that night…." she murmured, her eyes on his lips, longing, refusing to look up.
"Yeah, yeah that part was a little less PG, granted."
"Cal…." as she swallowed slowly he watched her neck move, felt his fingers drift slowly along her calf, stroking a tingle at her thigh and then playing with the hem of her dress.
"Me too."
"You don't know what I was gonna say?" she tested, still holding her eyes locked downward. She couldn't look at him, because he'd know, he'd see clean through her.
"You don't need to say it…." he rasped gutturally, because he felt it, he felt it not only in the very visible tension in his pants but in the way his soul ached for her. "Sorry, God, I'm sorry I…."
"Don't…." she said quickly, her index finger flying up to cover his mouth and her eyes finally surrendering to his, "… don't apologise."
"I'm just gonna go take a walk and…." shifting in his seat, the agony of wanting her becoming unbearable Calvin grabbed for the door handle.
"The hell you are…." she whispered hotly, pinning his good shoulder with one hand and running the other through his hair. Her dress ripped clean up one side as she threw a leg over him, straddling him, her chest heaving with desire as she held her lips a breath's width from his.
"Tex…." he managed, barely, deliberately keeping his hands on the seat at either side of him.
"I will never regret loving you, in thought or in deed Arliss….." she swore, holding his eyes and finding a breathless smile, "… and I can't wait any longer."
"You sure?" he strained, hanging by a thread.
"Quiero hacerte el amor…." translated easily by the heat of her kiss, and the sound of her hand releasing his belt buckle.
"Texas are you sure, babe?" he asked, his hand at her face, "Are you sure?"
"I've never been more certain of anything in my life…." she replied simply, and they were the final words spoken as he grabbed at her waist and drew her tight into him.
"You didn't feel like sharing your truth today?"
"I don't think I'll ever feel like sharing my truth…" said Texas, wide eyed and disparaging, "… even saying it makes me want to share my lunch."
"You were called by name…." said Olivia, pouring some dubious looking coffee into a polystyrene cup at the back of the community centre, "… they clearly want to hear from you."
"I come here every week. I listen respectfully to other people's testimonies and I don't drink or do drugs. I don't need to talk about my feelings with a bunch of strangers."
"Tex…."
"Olivia what are you doing here?" asked Texas, a little guarded, maybe a little more hostile that she had intended to be. "I'm sorry, that sounded harsh. I suppose I'm just surprised to see you is all, let alone here."
"I asked Calvin where I could find you and he told me."
"Of course he did…." of course had had answered literally, for that exact point in time, she smiled inwardly to herself.
"I wanted to talk to you Texas. If that's okay? Do you have some time?" asked Olivia, readjusting her purse on her shoulder and looking hopefully at the younger woman. "It would mean a lot."
"Yeah, yeah no worries, we can go somewhere. There's a coffee shop down the street?"
"That sounds perfect because this…." raising her cup, and widening her eyes with a wry smirk Olivia shook her head, "… this is not coffee."
"Come on, let's go…." said Texas, waving cordially to the facilitator of the Narcotics Anonymous meeting and nodding dutifully to their suggestion that they would see one another again next week.
"Can I get you a pastry? A brownie or…."
"Olivia you can't get me a thing, these are on me. I desecrated your family, you're not about to start buying me baked goods."
"You didn't….." hesitating, seeing Texas' self-deprecating eyebrow arch Olivia conceded, "… well, then, thank you. That's kind."
"I can imagine my name is mud in the Stabler household, and with good reason. I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again, let alone sit and have coffee together."
"Then you underestimated me…." said Olivia with a calm confidence, deliberately holding Texas' eyes, "… but you'll learn."
"I…." for a rare moment Texas was left entirely speechless.
"I've wanted to check on you sooner. Don't think I wasn't thinking about you this whole time. I just had some things I needed to take care of first. Evie is my daughter, you understand that, you can understand that right?"
"I don't know that I'd have had your presence of mind if someone did to Leni what Cal and I have done to Eve. No judgement here, none at all."
"I really just think that we all need to stop talking about Evie as a victim here. I don't think that the references to her as a passive bystander in her own life are helpful, honestly. I also don't like the idea that we're placing all this blame, this anger and, whatever the hell we're calling it, and yours and Cal's door."
"How's she doing?" asked Texas.
Olivia took a moment, a brief second, just to appreciate how well Texas looked. She'd gained a little weight back, her face had lost its gaunt greyness and her eyes were back to warm brown from the hardened black they'd been for a while. Her hair was pulled off her face, and though she wore her usual heavy kohl liner and thick black lashes her face was a natural tan. She looked alive again, from the ghost she had become in jail.
"She's been better, but she'll be fine. Actually she'll be better than fine, she'll be great. Once she's figured out what comes next she'll go after it with both hands, she will. I think that she's just going to need to take a little time is all."
"Time is good. It's, you know, like a healer or whatever. They say that right? That's a thing people say."
"I didn't really come here to talk about Evie though. I'm more interested right here, right now, in how you're doing in all of this. You and Calvin are together? You're…."
"We're something."
"And you're happy?" slurping her coffee, Olivia allowed the question to just sit, ruminate, dwell in the air between them.
"I think I might be just about the happiest I've been in my whole life…." confessed Texas, sat cross legged on her chair, both hands hugged around her coffee mug, "…. and honestly that scares me to death."
"Yeah, yeah I remember that…." laughed Olivia, feeling her stomach flip flop. "In my experience the only thing harder than sitting and waiting, wanting, picturing what could be and what would be if only you could be with him? Is it happening. I don't know about you Tex, but for me getting what I'd wanted for so long came as an awful shock to the system."
"Yeah, yeah that."
"I know you didn't want to talk to your group but…."
"Why now? Why'd he decide now that he's in love with me? Why is now suddenly a great time to leave Evie and commit to being with me? I've known him forever. He's had so many opportunities. What changed? Did it change, really, and like…."
"What if he changes his mind?" offered Olivia, tilting her head and giving Texas a look of empathy. "And do you even have a right to be happy? I mean you getting what you wanted made so many other people miserable, right? It was a wrecking ball."
"You really do get it, huh?" with a nervous, self-conscious chuckle Texas rolled her eyes. "You and Elliot always seem so solid, so eternal. I do know your past, it's just really hard to picture if you weren't there. I mean Elliot and Olivia, right? You're like the cheese and wine of relationships."
"Cheese and wine?"
"Yeah, like, things that go together. You can be vodka and a line of coke if you'd prefer…."
"Nope! No I'll stick to the original metaphor…." laughing, a little thrown, a little liberated by Texas' unrelenting honesty and openness. "We weren't always that way, sweetheart. Nothing is perfect, nothing and no one Tex. I was there, right where you are. All the doubt, all the guilt, all the questions and the struggle to trust it. To believe in it, now it was finally tangible. Don't let it throw you off, don't let it get under your skin."
"I know, I get it, I…."
"You know why?" then not waiting for an answer Olivia continued, "Because Calvin Arliss is just about the most honest, sincere, and completely kind soul I have ever known. Trust him, Texas. Trust your heart over your head on this one and don't let voices of doubt screw it up. Not it and not your sobriety."
"I'm working the steps. I'm going to meetings. I'm clean and sober, don't worry."
"I think we both know just how much Calvin stood to lose being honest with Eve the way he was. I was there, I saw the aftershocks. It wasn't the shooting, it was before that. It wasn't just a knee jerk reaction to trauma. He thought about it, he thought on it long and hard and it wasn't easy. You've seen him the past few months the same way I have, right?"
"The brooding…." though her tone and expression was teasing, Olivia knew Texas felt it all deeply, ".. all the brooding."
"He wasn't pushed Texas he jumped. He jumped…." suddenly Olivia felt tears in her eyes and a catch in her voice as she swallowed, "… and you have to catch him, sweetheart."
"What's this?"
"Are you serious?" asked Texas, sat cross legged on a work bench helping Calvin take inventory at the car shop. "Guapo if you don't know that that's a socket wrench then this whole venture here is fucked."
"En español smart ass….." he groaned, rolling his eyes as he set down the tools in his hand and wandered over to her.
"Sorry…" she grinned, laughing to herself as he moved to stand in front of her, his hands on her thighs, "…llave de tubo."
"Will you teach the twins Spanish?" he asked, falling forward and nuzzling at her neck just because he could. He needed closeness, she noticed, uncomplaining.
"I, sure, I guess..." it was hard to keep a straight thought and she melted at his touch, smiling as his hands held her face and kissing her lovingly.
"It's cool, right? The way Leni can just switch between the two like you can. I want that for the twins too."
"I mean I don't know how realistic that is, babe. Gil and Nick have always spoken Spanish with Leni the same way I have. That's three native tongues she's had babbling at her."
"CJ and Livi have you though right? And I used to be pretty hot on the lingo when we were younger. You can teach me too."
"Sure, sure I can try."
"What?" he asked, grabbing for her waist as she uncurled her legs from beneath her and dangled them off the workbench, straddling his hips. "What's the face for?"
"I'm just not so sure Evie is gonna be thrilled with me interfering in their raising is all."
"It's not inferring Tex you're their stepmom now."
"¡Ay! hang on a minute there….." she said, snatching her head back, eyes a little wide. "What?"
"What?" he echoed, a casual shrug. "I mean you don't have to label it if you don't want. I know that Evie's their mom, of course, of course she is and she and I get final say and veto power or whatever, sure. We're us though, now. You're with me and I'm with you and that's not going anywhere; not ever. So you're gonna be part of raising my kids too, right?"
"I…." she said, the word slowing, the room losing focus until she could only see him, him his eyes and all their love and kindness. Olivia's words came back to her, he had jumped, and she needed to catch him now.
"Tex?"
"Don't you dare tell Leni you've had a promotion until I've talked this through with Gil…." she replied, and he smiled because he knew this meant she was as in this as he was, "… that kid has a big mouth."
"I wonder where she gets that from."
"You shouldn't teach any of the Spanish I used to teach you to a child…." she cautioned, her eyes alive with mischief, "… that's the first lesson."
"Oh yeah? Texas you're…." he murmured, just marvelling at her for a moment as he nuzzled his nose against hers and stroked at the small of her back, "… you're fucking something is what you are."
"I'm trouble is what I am, Arliss. I've been getting you into trouble and encouraging your crazy for as long as I can remember. What makes you think I won't still do that now we're playing house for real?"
"Oh I'm counting on it Boots…." he smirked, leaning in for a longer kiss.
"Sammy? Sam you here? I got the drawings worked up for the signage you want out…." stopping so quickly in her tracks she fell over her own feet, Eve staggered through the doorway.
"Fucking-A!" exclaimed Calvin, as in her hasty commotion to rappel him Texas dislodged a hammer from the workbench and it struck his foot at an agonizing angle.
"Oh God I'm sorry! I'll come back later!"
"Evie? Evie!" called Calvin, looking to the door and then back at Texas.
"Go after her, go, go on!" she nodded quickly, holding fingers against lips that felt guiltily swollen with his kisses in the stark light of Eve's horrified expression.
"Hey? Tex?" he said quickly, waiting for her eyes. "No shame, no regrets. Hold your head up."
"I love you…" she mouthed, nodding encouragingly toward the door and finding her smile again.
"Evie wait, please?"
"I'm not…." angry, judgemental, just hurt, she wanted to say but lost her words in light of being so close to him for the first time in what felt like forever.
"Can we just talk, please? Just for a second?" he asked quietly, nervously. "I hate this."
"I…"
"I know, I know what you're gonna say. It's my fault, I get that. I created this, so it's my punishment now to…."
"I hate it too…." she cut in, swallowing timidly, "… was all I was gonna say."
"I spent so many years doing whatever it took to protect and take care of you and it never crossed my mind that I'd be the one you'd need protecting from. I mean it crossed your Dad's mind but…"
"Don't, don't do that. You never set out to hurt me and I know that. I believe it, truly I do."
"Well that's a start…." he nodded, not wanting to smile, but feeling it inside.
"I'm sorry that I've been hiding from it all. I'm sorry that I ran away from the hospital and…"
"Evie you've not got a damn thing to be sorry about. You do whatever you gotta do, I swear to God I wouldn't judge you if you wanted nothing more to do with me."
"I love you, Calvin."
"I love you too…." he said carefully, hesitating a moment before lifting his eyes to hers and shrugging, "…and I'm sorry that it stopped being the way it used to be, the way you wanted and need it to be."
"We can do this, we can. I know we can. I don't want to lose you completely…." she choked, crying the tears she'd vowed not to let him see, "… that really would break me."
"You won't, Bambi."
"Don't call me that, please?" she said hurriedly, as though his words had physically slapped her, had stung. "It hurts now."
"Sure, sure okay, I won't."
"I think it's going to take some more time, before I can do this….." she hiccoughed, "… but I can do this and I promise I will."
"For the nuggets, huh?" he acknowledged, but still looking at him she shook her head.
"For all of us, Cal. For the twins, my Mom, for Sammy, and for the two of us, right? It hurts like hell right now and it will for a long time but I have to try. I have to try and learn to live with all this because you're my family. You're too important to me."
"I'll do whatever you want, whatever you need….." he vowed, his gaze intense and honest. She trusted him, even now.
"Thank you."
"The fucking least I could do, Evie."
"Will you do something for me now?"
"Sure, anything?"
"My Mom wants to take the twins to this pre-school concert thing they're doing in the Park next week. My Dad is tied up because Kathy and his kids are in town and I don't want her going with them on her own. I know she's getting stronger every day, but I'll worry still."
"You can't go with her?"
"I have to work. I've had so much time off and I'm so new there still…."
"You want me to go?"
"Yeah, yeah and I was thinking that maybe Texas and Leni might enjoy it too?"
"I dunno Evie…."
"Would you please ask her if she'd like to go? The three of you? I've already spoken to my Mom."
"Of course you have..." he smiled, then widening it to a grin he remembered all the things that made Evie Stabler an incredible woman. "And you'd be cool with that? Honestly?"
"I can't be a part of….." not wanting to talk about it, clamming up, shutting down, Evie just gestured toward the open shop doorway and then flashed a brave smile, "… not yet at least, but like I said you're family. Both of you."
"You're kind of a badass Evie Arliss."
"Stabler."
"Right…." it was the closest she had seen him come in a long time to flushing embarrassment and she felt bad for it.
"I'm sorry, that wasn't a dig. I'm just, sort of, trying some things on for size, making some changes of my own. It sort of felt like a good idea to…."
"You don't have to explain a thing to me. I get it. Like I said…." shrugging, a little choked, Calvin nodded, "… whatever helps. I fucked it, so it's the least I can do."
"You didn't fu…." standing tall, pulling her shoulders back Evie stopped mid-sentence and composed herself, "… say hi to Texas for me. Tell her everything is fine."
"And is it?"
"It will be."
