Sorry this chapter is so late, I've been going through personal things. Also, I've been working and volunteering a lot too. I had the hardest time ending this chapter, which is another reason why it is up so late. I just got so frustrated each time I tried to write the end, and nothing sounded right.
Also, let me know if you like the whole Julia's thoughts on what she wants to say in italics. I don't have to put them in italics but if it is confusing with the flashbacks then I won't.
Again, thanks for all the support I have to write this story. I already know where this story is headed but if anyone has any ideas or grey's anatomy quotes or songs they want the chapter based on or if you just want to discuss the story in general , just PM me or leave a review! :)
Happy reading.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
There's an end to every storm. Once all the trees have been uprooted, once all the houses have been ripped apart, the wind will hush. The clouds will part. The rain will stop. The sky will clear in an instant. And only then, in those quiet moments after the storm, do we learn who was strong enough to survive it.
-Meredith Grey; Grey's Anatomy
"I'm Earlene and this is Donny." My new foster mother nudges the greasy haired man next too her. Donny waves at me, while I grasp my social worker's, Mallory, hand tighter. "We are just gonna have bundles of fun Baby Doll!" Earlene coos. She grabs my hand and pulls me into the house. Donny takes my bag from Mallory. "You have to meet your new brothers and sisters." Mallory pushes me forward towards a mob of kids staring at me. There's 5 boys and 4 girls. I stare back at them, horrified. "She'll be fine Mallory," Earlene tells my social worker. Donny takes my bag and disappears up the stairs. "Call me if there's any troubles," Mallory instructs Earlene. "Bye Julia. I'll come see you soon okay?" I nod, slightly; my eyes still blindsided by the other kids standing in front of me. Earlene closes the door and turns to us while taking the high heal shoes off her feet. "Thank fuck that's over, I need a drink." Earlene reaches behind the plant, grabbing a large glass bottle with liquid inside. She takes a drink. "I'm going to bed," Earlene announces, stumbling up the stairs. Outside, dogs begin barking. "DONNY!" She screeches, stopping half way up the stairs as Donny comings running down. "Shut those god damn dogs up!" "Yes babe," Donny rushes past her. Earlene grabs the collar of his shirt, pulling him in to face her. "And then get in bed with me." She orders pressing her lips against his. Donny's face widens as he pulls away and vanishes out of sight. "Dakota, sweet cakes, fill the new kid in won't ya? And if any of you-" Earlene eyes us. "Wake me up, then you're going in the basement. With the dogs. Now get out of here, all of you!" The kids eyes widen as the all scramble to different parts of the house, leaving me with a brown haired, browned eyes teenager, dressed in revealing clothing—the girl I'm assuming is Dakota. Dakota towers over me, making me feel small, frightened, and afraid. My eyes glance back at the door, it's now locked. "Don't even try," Dakota warns me, reading my thoughts. "If Ma catches you, you'll going in the basement for sure." "What's so bad about the basement?" I speak for the first time since I got here. Dakota looks me right in the eye. She places her hands on my shoulders. "It's hell." She whispers without a blink.
When I was little, I used to be scared of thunderstorms. I always put on an act however, to make it seem like I wasn't. Except at night, I'd lay awake listening to the booms of thunder and watching the strikes of lightening light up the sky. I'd lay wake, waiting for the storm to end and eventually when one would, another storm would start. A storm that was much scarier, darker, louder; one that was much more realistic. I remember being jealous, extremely jealous of the kids having parents to comfort them during a storm. The ones who had parents to hold them, to love them, to keep them safe until it passed. I on the other hand, had no one. I had nobody there to hold me, to dry my eyes when I was scared. I had nobody that loved me. I was more or less alone. Eventually, I learned to comfort myself. When I'd lay awake at night listening to the storm, I let myself believe that the thunder and lighting was how angles talked. I imagined all the angles were trying to send messages to their loved ones and that Aunt Amelia was one of them, trying to send a message to me. I'd always squeeze my eyes shut, sometimes even talking back to her. I'd tell myself that eventually everything would be okay and eventually Aunt Amelia and I would be together again. I realized, there would only be an end to my storm if I disappeared. There have been so many times in my life were I had the opportunity to, to evaporate into thin air. Yet there was something holding be back. A thought beyond being scared to go into the afterlife—to be wherever Frank was. It was the thought of my father. I thought that maybe that once I found him; he would make everything go away, the hurt, the pain, and the past. I've learned though, that you can't make the past go away. Your past follows you and as much as you want to forget it, there are just some things, some memories, which you can never forget. As much as you try, as much as you want to, they are there forever. And some memories, some storms I've endured, they're just unfixable. As much as I want Derek too, he won't be able to fix what has happened to me. When a storm passes, a storm passes. There's nothing you can do stop it from coming. When storms hit, they usually hit hard. The worst storms however come when you least expect them too, leaving you no choice but to wait it out. And sometimes, just sometimes, the aftermath of a storm, can be worst then the storm itself.
Derek's POV
Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely, is there a silence
In the bedroom and all around
"She's refusing the anesthetic," Meredith greets me as I enter the OR, freshly scrubbed in. "She wants to talk to you first."
I nod, heading over to the operating table. I squat down to eye level with my patient, Kayleigh Wetmore and gulp nervously. I should have no reason to be nervous from having performed hundreds of successful craniotomies in my career. I could probably do the procedure with my eyes closed. Except this patient is different. She's my daughter's best friend. Julia's is counting on me to fix her and with everything that's gone wrong lately, this has to go right.
"Dr. Shepherd?" Kayleigh lifts her head. Her eyes glisten as they dance around the operating room, landing on me, contently.
I find it strange she's not scared. Most of the patients I had, whom were Kayleigh's age usually asked for me to explain the procedure again, wanting some reinsurance before they were given the anesthetic, which is what I assumed Kayleigh wanted considering she didn't listen to me the last several times I attempted to explain the surgery to her. Kayleigh however, is perfectly calm, she's not afraid at all.
"You're him aren't you?" She asks softly. I look at her puzzled, confused to what she means. Kayleigh catches on. "You're her dad," She adds.
My face beams, with pride, "Yeah, I am." I confirm, surprising myself. The words just spiraling out, like their unable to control. The truth finally out in the open. A truth Julia so badly tried to deny.
I assume there's probably a reason to why my daughter tried to deny the truth, however, doing so isn't helping us any. In order for our family to work, she has to come to civil terms with me and I have to start owning up to things- this being one of those things.
A smile forms upon Kayleigh's face. Excitement. "I knew it." She proclaims "Is she here?"
"She's here." I point up to the gallery, over looking the operating room, where my daughter's sitting. She's arguing with Mark about something. From the look on both there faces, neither one of them seems too pleased with each other. I find this strange because Mini D and Mark normally get along. Mark seldom gets upset with my daughter. I'm dying to figure out what's going on between the two of them. My eyes move away from the gallery window, my attention back to being focused on Kayleigh.
She tilts her head towards were I am pointing, stretching her neck even higher.
"I knew it was you." Kayleigh repeats the words again, ever so pleased with her self for figuring the mystery out. "When where kids, Julia told me you were a superhero. She made up these amazing stories about you all the time and I got so jealous of them and of her. So when she promised me you would fix me, I said some really mean things to her. I was jealous. I didn't mean the things I said. I've always been jealous of her because well…because she wasn't sick and I need to apologize because if something happens…" Kayleigh's voice trails off.
"You'll see her after surgery." I ensure her. "Now will you let Dr. Mason give you the anesthesia?"
"Okay." Kayleigh gives in.
I nod towards Dr. Mason whom follows my orders by putting the epi into the central IV line Kayleigh is hooked up to.
"Everything will be okay," I promise her, pushing back a piece of hair from the unshaved part of Kayleigh's head with my vinyl glove. Normally, I don't promise patients whom are lying on the surgery table that everything will be okay—no matter how confident I may be constructing the surgery. I never know if the patient will be okay until I get to see inside the brain. The last thing I want to do is give a patient a false promise. But Kayleigh's different though and I need this surgery to go smoothly. I need Kayleigh to be okay.
The anesthetic fills her body as she fights to stay awake. "I can't believe you really are a superhero. Julia's so lucky to have you as a…"
Dad. I finish the sentence to myself as Kayleigh's heavy eyelids droop shut. Doubtfulness. Guilt. The feelings flow through me, never having been so strong. At this point I'm beginning to think that may not be true. Kayleigh doesn't know I'm so close to losing my daughter. I might not get to be her dad. I may not being able to fix things. I may not be able to make things right. As a surgeon, I fix people. I save lives everyday. It's something I know how to do. I know how to be a good surgeon, but I don't know how to be a dad—it's something that terrifies me.
I stand back up. I approach my spot at head of the operating table with Meredith standing beside me. The chatter within the OR stops and a peaceful silence flows through the room. Dozens of eyes stare at me, waiting for orders to proceed.
I hold out my hand towards Meredith. "Scalpel?"
She places the metal knife like object in my hand. Our eyes connect. Her smile hypnotizes me, giving me complex feelings, ones I've never had before. Beautiful complex feelings. I sink my body into hers as I grasp the scalpel tighter. I used to think I knew how to be a good husband. Except lately it seems like I haven't been able to do anything right anymore.
"Alright everybody," I look up towards the gallery one final time. My heart begins racing.
Julia sits on the edge of her chair, about to fall off if she leans forward anymore. Her eyes, the widest I've seen them.
"It's a beautiful afternoon to save lives. Let's have some fun." I wink at my daughter as I make the first cut into Kayleigh's brain. Saving my daughters best friend however, is something I can do right and right now, that's all that matters.
Mark's POV
Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away
It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It much have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched til the time had run out
Mini D's words flow through me, endlessly coming at me. Excuses. One after the other. A never-ending array of excuses. She's paying no attention to her best friend lying on the exam table or to Derek, her father whose performing the surgery in the OR room below us. Her pain. Her anger. Her hurt. She's taking it all out on me. Forgetting that I'm even a person. She's avoiding the truth. Making excuses, blaming everyone but herself. She does this a lot. Her words counteracting mine. Words, which I didn't even know were in her vocabulary Very hurtful words. Words I didn't know she knew how to use. Blaming me for sleeping with Addison. Blaming me for ruining her family. To her, all of this is my fault.
I know Mini D doesn't mean half the words she's saying. She's in so much pain. She has so much anger in her; it's making her emotionally unstable. She doesn't know what to do with it all. She's trying to make me feel guilty, to talk me out of telling Derek and Addison what happened last night. Maybe it's working. I feel pitiful over that fact that I'm being manipulated by a thirteen year old. I know there's something wrong. Last night has been the third attempt. First it was the drowning. Secondly it was the roof and now this. Something just isn't right.
"ARGGGHHH! Mark, are you even listening to me?" Her voice echoes through the OR gallery unpleased and not impressed. Thankfully we're the only two people in here.
My head bolts towards the direction to where Mini D is sitting. She's moved her chair so it's tilted towards me, her legs crossed on top of the beige colored padding.
"Yeah, I'm listening." I mumble, inattentive.
"I didn't try to kill myself," she opposes for the thousandth time.
"I've heard you Mini D," I groan as I bury my face into my palms unable to control my annoyance anymore.
"Then do you believe me Mark?" Mini D demands, her hands across her chest.
We've been arguing about the same thing since the kid woke up. I feel bad for being rude, but there's only so much I can take.
"It doesn't matter if I believe you or not. I'm still telling Derek and Addison what happened, unless you want to."
"They wouldn't care if you told them anyway. As long as Derek's in love with Meredith, as long as that stupid dog's at the trailer, I'm not living with them anymore. It doesn't matter. Mark." Mini D makes up more excuses. "If you haven't have slept with Addison none of this would have happened."
I sigh. Everything always came back to that. I admit I was to blame for sleeping with Addison. But if Derek hadn't have been a douche to her, being constantly absent, then maybe I wouldn't have ended up sleeping with his wife. It's Derek's fault too. Not just mine. Mini D didn't get it. Then again, she's only 13. It isn't her fault she wouldn't understand.
"Well maybe you should tell them since they wouldn't care," I argue, half laughing about how ironic this whole thing was.
Here I was, sitting on the opposite side of an operating room, arguing with a kid, who isn't even mine. The irony of this whole thing is that she's Derek's kid—Derek's unknown kid. It's me who is the man whore. If anything you would think I'm the one to have an unknown kid out there, not Derek.
"I can't," she implies, sternly.
Amy. She's afraid of Derek and Addison telling Amy. If Amy found out about what happened last night, Mini D knows she'll never hear the end of it.
"You can make all the excuses you wait," I inform her. "They won't change anything. I'm still telling Derek and Addison if you won't. I think I'll tell Amy too while I'm at it." I whip out my Blackberry, pretending to punch in the numbers. Julia needs to learn the consequences for her actions someway and if I have to be the one to teach her, then be it.
Mini D huffs, her arms reach out, fighting me for the phone. "Mark!" She whines, wiggling in her chair, her hand stretched out, swinging above her head.
I bite my tongue to control my laughter at how easily irritated the girl gets.
After a while of trying, frustrated with herself, she mopes back into her chair, arms across her chest, pouting. Suddenly, I feel something warm at wet hit my face. I wipe the salvia off with the back on my hand. Did Derek's daughter seriously just spit on me?
"Mark!" She gasps, a hand over her mouth realizing what she did.
I stare at Mini D lividly in shock, unable to believe what just happened. Derek's child is seriously out of control. I understand Mini D is going through things right now, but there's no way what so ever that she's getting away with this. Especially since I've done nothing but be there for her last night.
Almost instantly, after the realization hits in, I get up, Inflamed. Fuming. I pick Mini D's chair up, with her in it, walk across the OR gallery and drop her and the chair down in the furthest corner away from me. I roughly turn her chair, so it is facing straight at the glass windows over looking the operating room.
"Jesus Christ Mini D." My words come out, harsher then I expected them to be. "Just watch your father's damn surgery." I order, exiting the gallery before I explode even more and end up doing or saying something I might regret later.
Once I get out into the hallway, I take a few breaths in an attempt to cool down. After I'm relatively calm, I head off down the hallway to go find Callie. If Mini D wants to be a brat, she could do it without me being there. I'm done putting up with her bullshit.
"Hey," I mope, plopping down beside Callie on a bed in an empty on call room.
"I'm trying to sleep Mark," Callie moans annoyed, rolling over on her stomach, her face suffocated within the pillow.
I spoon against her, my elbow resting against the mattress, my head being lifted up against the palm of my hand. My other hand reaches under Callie's scrub top, circling her back, moving up slowly towards her bra clasp.
"Mark," She muffles, slapping my hand away. Callie rolls over onto her back, perched on her elbows.
"I want you Callie," I murmur, ripping my shirt off. "You have no idea how much I want you right now." My body falls on top of hers, my mouth watering.
"Where's the rug-rat?" Callie stretches her neck, looking behind me.
I start to unbuckle my jeans. "Not here," I muzzle my face in her neck, thrusting my pelvis into her.
I grasp a hold of Callie's scrub top and within seconds our bodies intertwine. Warmness. Sweat. What's about to be utterly amazing mind blowing sex.
"Shouldn't you be watching her?" Callie interrogates me, leaning upwards again. The back of my head hits the bunk above us, hard.
"Damnit Torres!" I rub the back of my neck. "She's thirteen. She's a teenager. She can look after herself. She's not my responsibility." I bicker, upset with her for ruining the moment.
I groan, rolling off the top of Callie and onto my back. I couldn't have sex while talking about Derek's kid.
"You're giving up surgeries to be on babysitting duty? This isn't you Mark." Callie looks at me concerned.
"With that stupid club the nurses made, I wouldn't have been able to perform any surgeries today anyway without having an OR team. I had nothing better to do."
"Why aren't you with Mini D?"
I groan again. Could I not go through one minute of the day without her being the center of attention? Why did Torres care anyway?
"She spat on me, so I left her in the gallery." I tell her.
"Mini Derek spat on you?" Callie bursts out laughing, sitting up a bit more. "After you stayed up all night with her? She spits on you? What a little ungrateful bitc—"
"Callie," I warn raising my voice, knowing the words to what Callie is about to say.
"Now you're defending her?" Callie continues laughing. I don't understand why she finds this whole thing hilarious.
"She's just a kid Cal," I point out. "She's been through a lot."
"I can't imagine what she's been through." Callie lies back on the bed. Her head rests against my chest and lightly begins drawing circles around it with her finger. "But for her to hurt herself the way she did last night, whatever happened it must have been pretty bad. Have you told Addie?" Callie looks up at me, her brows furrowed worriedly.
I shake my head. "I want Mini D too. She won't listen to me. She won't talk to Derek and Addison about anything. Amy isn't here. I worried about her. Can you talk to her?" My eyes light up, pleased over the fact the idea popped into my head. It was perfect.
"You want me to talk to Mini Derek?" Callie's eyes widen. "I don't know her Mark. She doesn't know me. If she won't talk to any of you, I doubt she'll talk to me." Okay so maybe my idea wasn't that perfect. It's worth a try. I just want Mini D to stop hurting.
"That's the point." I argue. "You're not Derek, Addison, me or even Amy for that matter. Please Cal?" I beg, nuzzling my nose into her neck. My lips suffocate her with tickles.
"Okay Mark, fine!" She angrily rolls away from underneath me. "I'll talk to her."
I grin as Callie slides off of the bed, while struggling to adjust her scrub pants. She throws on her scrub top after tossing me my tee-shirt.
"Take me to the rug-rat." She demands, grabbing my arm and yanking me off the bed, shoving my body towards the on call room door.
Julia's POV
Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm
And it's a hard winter's day, I dream away…
My body immerges itself into the enormous glass windows in front of me. I shove myself against them, again and again and again. Harder. Faster. Louder. Anything to get Derek's attention. The numbers on Kayleigh's heart monitor continue to fall, one after the other. Spiraling down to cardiac arrest. V-fib. Asystole. Derek is just standing there, at the front of the operating table focused on whatever medical instrument is in his hand. He's not doing anything. He's not saying anything. He's just focused. Too focused. My bandaged hands pound against the glass. Harder. Faster. Louder. Anything to get him unfocused.
"Daddy!" I cry out, in a horse high-pitched horrifying scream. The words are useless to him, he's unable to hear me. Like all those other times I called out to him. All those other times I needed him to wake me up from this nightmare. This nightmare I'm stuck inside in.
"Mark, get my daughter out of there!" Derek's voice bombs out of nowhere.
Arms grasp around my middle. I kick. I scream. I squirm. My hands slide away from the window they were pressed against. I move them violently, trying to get a hold of something, anything as Mark attempts to drag me out of the gallery. I couldn't leave Kayleigh. I couldn't leave Derek. It should have been me on that operating table. Kayleigh didn't deserve any of this.
Despite my protests, Mark struggles, pulling me down the hallway. There's footsteps behind us. Somebody tries to catch up.
"Go get a tranquilizer!" Mark yells to the person as we enter into an empty, closed off room.
My pulse quickens. My breaths sharpen. My cravings out of control. Drugs. Oxy. Ecstasy. Speed. Crack. Coke. Shrooms. Myth. I don't care what. I just need drugs.
"Get off me!" I screech, clawing his arms with what little nails I have left. "Let me go."
Mark's arms trap me in. His words slur through my brain. They're all smooched together, impossible to understand.
I close my eyes. I hold my breath. I imagine he's Derek. I imagine we're in elsewhere. We're in the field with all those yellow flowers. The one that's from my dream. Addison's there too. I imagine we're as far away from here as possible. In a place that's safe. Where Frank can't get us. Where nobody can get us.
The door closes as somebody enters the room. They're back with the tranquilizer. Their footsteps thump over to us.
"3 milligrams of Klonopin." It's Callie's voice. The words sound like a song. Drugs. She brought drugs.
She attempts to jam the needle in my arm. I squirm frequently, fighting against it. As much as I wanted the drugs, I knew I shouldn't take them. I'd just want more afterwards.
"You've got to hold her down!" Callie tugs my arm outwards. She thrusts the needle into it and I breathe in relieved. Drugs.
The sedative poison flows through my veins freeing the monstrous craving inside of me. The panic. Anxiety. Anger. Fear. It's all vanished, becoming erased as if the emotions were never there to begin with.
Silence replaces them, echoing up from the abandoned sterile surgical world below me. The calmness. The stillness. The quietness of the air filled room is enough to give any one a high.
Blood rushes throughout my body and up into my brain, creating a wonderful indescribable feeling almost as if I'm non-existent, trapped inside a different universe.
"I like the quiet too." Derek startles me, his voice causing the silence to disappear.
I jerk my body around, just in time to see him collapse his body onto one of the beige padded chairs behind me. I turn my focus back to the empty operating room below. I close my eyes, attempting to shut everything out, wanting for the silence to envelope me in once again.
"Kayleigh is asking for you. She's awake."
Reality hits. The serenity and the high gone, almost as fast as they came. I fidgety trace circle after circle around my kneecap. Time passes by. Emotionless. Wordless. Lost. I'm just lost, in an unstable mind screaming silently for help.
"What's going on Mini D?" Derek breaks the silence, speaking barely above a whisper.
I pivot myself around again to face Derek again. Lots of things, Daddy, my eyes ache. They attach onto his identical blue ones. Scary monstrous things.
"What happened to your hands?" Derek notices the bandages.
Words surface, my mouth traps them inside. My mind goes blank.
"Mini D?"
Still nothing.
"Mini D?"
"I fell on some rocks when I was running last night." A lie. I needed drugs Daddy. "Mark gave me stitches." Another lie.
He nods, thankfully believing me. "Are you okay?"
No, I'm not okay. "I'm fine." More lies.
"Have you talked to Addison?" More questions.
"No. Why would I talk to her?" More answers.
"She's been looking for you—"
"Well I don't want to see her." Excuses. More excuses.
"Mini D—"
"She doesn't want me." I bandage the hurt. "I don't want anything to do with her." I wanted her last night.
"She didn't mean what she said, Mini D. She's angry with me, not you." Explanations.
"It doesn't change things. She said what she said Derek. Since when are you defending her anyway? She slept with your best friend." Anger. More Anger.
"Since Addison's my wife," Derek counteracts, like he always does. Never being on my side. "She and I both made mistakes. But at the end of the day, she's my wife whether I want her to be or not. And because she's my wife, this means that Addison's your stepmother, whether you want her to be or not."
"I don't want her to be." Another lie. I erg up rapidly from my chair. "Just like I don't want you to be my father." The lies, they're all out of control.
"Julia," he reaches out towards me.
"Stop Derek." I shove his hand off. "Do us both a favor. Stop pretending like you care. About me and about Addison. Let me go. Let her go. And just go back to Meredith. That's what you want isn't it?" Resentment.
Derek shakes his head. "I want you. I want Addison. I want to be a family."
"I'm so over this!" I shout. More resentment. I kick the chair I was sitting on in frustration. .
Derek and I watch the chair collide into the wall at the opposite end of the operating room gallery. We lock eyes again, shocked. Neither of us was expecting that storm.
"Look around us Derek." I bring him back into reality. "Look at how fucked up things are. Look at how fucked up I am. We're never going to be a family Dr. Shepherd. We're all too fucked up to be one."
My lips speak the truth. A cold, codependent, cowardly truth.
"Why didn't you tell me Dr. Shepherd was your dad?" Kayleigh impels. Her fingers dance throughout my tangled hair, smoothing the nests of knots. One by One. Curl by curl. Tangle by tangle.
"He told you?" I lift my head up from her chest. Our bodies indent. My somber eyes meet her pools of icy blue.
"You promised he'd fix me. I knew. Your identical Julia." Kayleigh points out, giggling. "The same."
"They call me Mini D." I contend. "Because I'm a mini Derek. That's my dads first name." An explanation. Kayleigh needs an explanation. I wish I could give her a better one, but there's just so much to explain.
"Mini D." Kayleigh lets the words roll off her tongue. "I like it." We giggle together.
"Me too." I nestle my head against Kayleigh's chest once our laughter is calmed.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Kayleigh asks again, innocently.
There's so many reasons. You wouldn't never understand. "We're not a family Kayleigh." I elucidate, as simple as possible. "We aren't like your family. I want a family like your family. You love each other. And your parents care about you. My family, we aren't any of that. We're screwed up and it's all my fault. The one family I finally find. The one family I finally want. I go and fuck it all up."
Vengeance. Punishment. Karma. It's all coming back to me somehow. The lies, everything, it's all my fault.
Kayleigh's arm's hold me tight. Her heart draws me in, like a magnate. Thump. Thump. Thumpa. Thump. At least I have Kayleigh. No matter what, I'll always have Kayleigh.
"You'll fix it. You always find a way to fix things." Kayleigh comforts me. She holds me tighter.
"Not this time," I tremble the unthinkable. "Things aren't fixable this time."
Hands shake me. My eyes flutter open. Emeralds greet me. Addison's eyes. I push her arms off me. Breathe. Everything will be okay.
"Derek and I are ready to go." Addison points over to where Derek is lingering at the nurses station, out side of Kayleigh's hospital room.
"Go away." My sapphire eyes darken. Kayleigh almost died, Addie. Hold me. I'm scared.
"Mini D." Addison sighs. "I don't want to argue with you."
Then tell me how much you love me. "Good cause I don't want to talk to you."
"Can we please go home Mini D?" Addison pleads. "We'll talk at home okay? I don't want to fight here. Please Mini D."
I want you to want me. I want to be a family. You, me and Daddy. I want to be a family.
Addison hands reach from my writs as she tries to ply my arms off of Kayleigh's sleeping body. "Let Kayleigh get some rest. Janet's coming tomorrow." She reminds me. It's going to be hell. I know it. "You, me and Derek need to figure out what we are going to do." As a family. "Sweetie please?"
I don't want to lose you Addie. My feet implant onto the tiled floor. I'll do anything to make things better. I love you Addie.
Thunder booms. It's shakes Derek and Addison's trailer. Then there's a blaze of lightening followed by an avalanche of rain, spiraling downwards from the sky, hammering onto the metallic roof above me. The walls within Derek and Addison's trailer asphyxiate closer and closer together, as if they were caving in my past.
The darkness. The basement. Those dogs. It's all making me feel claustrophobic. I gasp for air. My breaths shorten. Not this again. I take another gasp. Then another. The wind howls as thunder booms again. Lightening strikes. My head spins towards Derek and Addison's bedroom. I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out. Instead I heave in dryness.
Drugs. I need drugs. Think of something. Anything else. Aunt Amelia. She's sending me a message. No. She's alive. Something else. Derek and Addison. I need Derek and Addison.
More thunder. More lightening. I bolt over to Derek and Addison's bedroom door sliding it open. Addison's asleep on top of Derek, her head rested against his chest. Doc stares up at me from the end of the bed. His eyes are like fluorescent yellow globes. My body freezes. My heart races. I forgot about the dog.
"Get out!" I hiss at him through my teeth. I point my finger in the direction of the open door. Doc doesn't move. He tilts his head. "Get out." I demand again, my voice rising. "That's my spot."
"Mini D?" Addison mumbles. She rolls off of Derek and pushes her body up into a sitting position.
"Please Doc?" I desperately plea as Addison looks from me to the dog.
She wasn't here last night to witness my panic attack and I'm assuming Derek's forgot to tell her that I'm afraid of dogs since they haven't been the best communicators lately.
Derek stirs, waking up. He stretches out his arms and joins Addison, sitting up. "What's going on?" He mutters, dazed and half awake.
"Get out!" I ignore the two of them and point from the dog to the door.
Addison finally realizes what I'm trying to get at. She nudges Doc off the bed. He barks and charges off the bed, towards me.
The darkness. The basement. Those dogs. Thunder booms. Lightening strikes. I shriek in horror, leaping the opposite way onto the bed collapsing into Derek.
Hold me Daddy. I burry my face into Derek's chest. Thunder booms. Lightening strikes. Wind howls. Get me out of here. I shriek again, heaving in more dryness. My sobs, desiccated, my tears waterless. Hyperventilation.
"Slow down, slow down, and take deep breaths." Derek holds me. I grasp my hands around him tighter.
Get me out of here Daddy.
"I got you. You're safe." His fingers run through my hair. "You're safe now." He ensures me. I don't feel safe, Daddy. "I'm right here Mini D. Listen to my voice. I'm right here."
The darkness. The basement. Those dogs. Don't let me go Daddy. Don't let me go.
"I—don't—want—another—family." I say panting between breaths of dry.
I look around for Addison. She's not here. The door to Derek and Addison's bedroom is closed. Doc isn't here anymore either. It's just me and Derek.
"Okay." Derek nods.
I have to fix things. I have to make them right. I take a breath. "I just never had anyone to look after me before. I'm still getting used to it. It's just that I went through a lot when I was younger and I know keep screwing everything up but I just don't know how to deal with it all." I confess to Derek, without looking up, scared to what his response is going to be.
"You don't screw everything up Mini D," Derek indicates, probably feeling sorry for me.
I admit I didn't screw everything up, but I'm still at fault for a few things.
"I understand this is a lot for you to get used too. Addison and I are still getting use to this too. We're still getting to know you too. You don't have to open up to us right now, if you don't want to. But if you can't talk to us, Addison and I would like you to speak to Dr. Wyatt." Derek reasons, trying to be supportive, which I find strange. "I call in some favors and have you talk to her first thing tomorrow morning."
"What about Janet? She's coming tomorrow right?" I ask nervously.
"Janet's coming tomorrow." Derek repeats me as I gulp."
"We're not ready," I whisper. "She'll know it. She sees everything. What if…what if…"
My words stop flowing. My body becomes frozen. Still. Scared. What if she takes me away from you? My eyes stare at Derek. Once again they shout forming a sentence I'm not able to speak.
"You're worried she won't approve Addison and I for custody?"
Yes Daddy, I'm so afraid. I finally got you. I don't want to lose you.
"It's true we're not ready for tomorrow," Derek admits, agreeing with me. "But I promise I'll figure something out. You're going to stay here with Addison and I okay? You have nothing to worry about Mini D. I'm not going to let you go back to New York. I'm not going to let you get hurt again."
Somebody always ends up hurting me. You can't promise that Daddy. I look at Derek timidly. He just doesn't get it. All storms come to an end. That's the good part. But this storm, my storm. The storm I'm in, I don't think it has an end.
