The following week went by in a series of unending misery. Estelle's hadn't seen Sebastian since the show, which had to be deliberate considering the size of the town and the fact that technically they still lived together, though he hadn't come home in days. She knew this because sleep had been eluding her more often than not, leaving her sitting on her bed staring into the darkness until the wee hours of the morning, bedroom door left open just in case.
She didn't know why he was avoiding her. If anything, she should be avoiding him. But like everything else between them, what should be was ass backwards from what really was. He'd shattered her down to her core, but he was still the only person she wanted to see. What the fuck was wrong with her?
Part of her was still in denial about everything that was happening, like a stubborn old woman who refused to leave her house during a hurricane. So what if he didn't love her? So what if he was with Abigail? A few weeks ago that wouldn't have been surprising – it would have devastated her, sure, but it was expected. She would have been able to deal – maybe not with grace, but still deal.
But things had changed. The seed had been planted, and allowed to flourish, and before she knew it she had convinced herself that he was going to be her happily ever after. That their unique brands of broken would come together to be something whole, something good. That they'd find what they needed in each other.
Hope was a disease.
To their credit, Natalie and Sam had been amazing. Sam in particular. She was fairly sure that Sebastian had been holed up at his house, considering Sam hadn't been spending the night with Natalie and she saw him carrying Seb's backpack out one day. That meant he'd been dividing his time between the two of them, looking out for them both. If Seb was half as miserable as she was, then Sam's life was 24/7 nonstop angst, and he just took it all without complaint.
Though Sebastian being miserable was probably just wishful thinking on her part. Why would he be? He finally got what he wanted. If she was a better friend she'd be happy for him.
She wasn't.
It was only a matter of time before this balancing act fell apart, and everyone knew it. By all accounts the shitshow was scheduled to begin next week, when Natalie left for her internship in Zuzu. Nat kept Sam together, and Sam was keeping them together – when she was gone, the dominoes would tumble.
If he was smart he'd just go with her. They'd only been together for two months, but they'd grown closer in those two months than some couples do in two years. If Sam pulled out a mermaid pendant tomorrow, no one would bat an eye.
Truth be told, he just might. Tomorrow was Natalie's 20th birthday, and because Estelle was a garbage sister, she didn't have anything planned for it. Not like there were a ton of options in Pelican Town. Booze and cake at the saloon, or booze and cake at home. Which reminded her, she needed to ask Jodi to bake a cake. Jodi made the best cakes.
Estelle pulled out her phone to send Jodi a text and saw she had a message waiting for her already. Alex.
wanna hang out?
She sighed, letting the phone dangle loosely in her hand while she decided how to respond. Hooking up with Alex had been a mistake. Not at first – at first it had been exactly what she needed. A highly pleasurable diversion, something to take her mind off the fact that her heart had been ripped out of her chest and give her some power back. It had been damn close to a year since she'd had sex, and he was not a bad choice to break that fast by any means.
No, the mistake came the morning after, when she woke up in an unfamiliar bed and the events of the night before came crashing down on her like it was happening all over again. She was about to grab her clothes and bail before the breakdown started, but instead Alex pulled her back into bed, and she'd let him give her the distraction she desperately needed.
He'd distracted her the next day too. And two days after that. And now what was meant to be a one time drunk hookup was turning into a regular booty call, and that was something she hadn't intended on.
Not that Alex was a bad option for a booty call – he was pretty great in bed and a genuinely nice guy – but she wasn't going into it with good intentions. She wasn't looking for sex, she was looking for an escape from the endless hurt, and sex just happened to fit the bill. She felt like a piece of shit for using him like that, even if he was just using her for her body in return.
At least, she hoped he was just using her for her body. It would be absolutely fucking terrible if Alex developed feelings for her. She knew how sex could blur the line between friendship and romance, and she had to end this before it had the chance to get that far.
yeah. can you come here though?
sure...b there in a few
It'd be easier to break it off with him on her own turf, just in case he pushed the issue or things went otherwise poorly. She didn't think he would, but it wasn't a bad idea to be prepared. Over the years she had picked up a few key truths that applied to most men – they liked food, they liked sex, and you never knew what the fuck they were going to do when rejected.
The moment he stepped out of Sam's house, Sebastian reached for his cigarettes. He'd been smoking too much lately. It lingered on him in a way it never did before, strong enough that he noticed the stale scent when his hair fell into his face. Not that it mattered, really. Sam was used to it from his dad, and Abigail had picked up the habit herself when she lived in the university dorms. Natalie was the only other person around to be offended, and she'd be leaving soon enough.
He should probably find somewhere else to crash. Once Nat was gone, Sam wasn't going to be in the right state of mind to tolerate Sebastian's shit. Caroline wouldn't allow him to stay, for certain, and he refused to give Demetrius the satisfaction of running back to mommy with his tail between his legs. That pretty much tapped out his options though. Other than going back home.
He wanted to so bad. He wanted disgusting egg breakfasts in the morning and shitty movies on a tiny laptop screen at night. He wanted lukewarm showers and spotty WiFi and Maki rubbing against his legs while he worked, even though he was mildly allergic to cats. All things that sounded objectively awful, but together made up the best few months of his life.
But those things were gone now, because he'd lost the girl who had made them so special. All that was waiting for him at home now was pain for both of them, pain and the heavy silence of a thousand things left unsaid.
Still, that was where Sebastian was headed now. His bank account was running low, and he didn't want to dip into savings when he was going to need it for an apartment after all. One of his clients offered a quick job, something that shouldn't take more than a few hours, and he didn't have much of a choice but to accept, despite knowing Estelle was there.
He didn't know what he was going to say if they ran into each other. His apologies were useless now. He had hurt her too badly, and she had responded by moving on. Giving up on him. He couldn't blame her, it was his fault in the first place...but it still fucking hurt. It hurt to know that it took her less than an hour to go from crying over him to going home with Alex.
He wasn't being fair and he knew it. She didn't belong to him, and she could do whatever she wanted. Besides, he'd slept with Abigail, hadn't he? Though that had been prompted by her more than anything else...
Not that how he felt about any of it mattered. That egotistical moron didn't deserve her, but if he made her happy then...whatever. At least someone was. Sebastian just didn't want to think about it.
Not that life ever seemed to give a fuck what he wanted.
Sebastian walked into the house and headed straight for the stairs, not bothering to kick his shoes off at the door. He had barely gotten two steps in when Estelle's bedroom door opened, and none other than Alex fucking Mullner came strolling out. Everything in him wanted to just turn around and leave, or march up the stairs without looking back, but he was frozen to the spot, like watching a train coming at you but being unable to step off the track.
Alex was pulling his 'glory days' high school jacket back on, and the implications of that weren't lost on Sebastian. Much like his hoodie, Alex never took that jacket off, unless he was doing something that required it. Like, say, fucking the girl Sebastian was in love with.
"Later Stelle! Text if you change your mind okay?" Alex called over his shoulder, and Sebastian cringed. He'd hated that pet name from the first time he heard it, and now doubly so.
"Sure. Bye," her voice came from behind the door, sending a stab of pain through his already roiling insides. Yoba, he had missed that sound.
Alex pulled the door closed behind him and turned, noticing Sebastian for the first time. He looked confused for a moment before he seemed to remember that Seb lived there too, and jutted his chin up in greeting.
"'Sup man," he said casually as he passed, opening the front door and leaving without waiting for a response.
When the door clicked shut, Sebastian's feet finally unglued themselves from the ground under him. He should probably leave, but he couldn't stand to be around anyone right now, not even Sam. Feeling gutted and sick, Sebastian slowly climbed the stairs to his room and shut the door behind him.
She was right – you never knew what the hell a guy was going to do when you turned him down. Estelle thought she'd seen it all, but Alex had surprised her by grinning, pulling off his coat and shirt, and flexing in her bedroom topless like the sight of his (admittedly gorgeous) chest and abs was going to change her mind.
Somehow she had manage to keep a straight face. It was so absolutely ridiculous she didn't know how she pulled it off, but she calmly asked him to put his clothes back on, explaining that while he was a great guy, she wasn't in a good place for any kind of relationship right now – even just fuck buddies.
He surprised her again by shrugging and doing exactly that. You'd think that a guy who reacted to being dumped by stripping would push the issue further, but he didn't. "I normally get over crushes pretty quickly," he'd said, as unaffected as if she told him it was going to be cloudy tomorrow.
She was hugely grateful to him in that moment. He just accepted her decision, made a little small talk, and left. No big deal. No drama, no hurt, no disrespect. Finally, something that was just easy. It was so refreshing, when everything else in her life seemed so difficult.
Shortly after Alex left, Estelle's phone rang, and she answered when she saw Sam's contact photo on the display.
"Hey, it's Nat. I can't find my phone… will you check my room for me if I call it?"
"Yeah sure. Give me a minute to get upstairs."
"Kay. I'll call it in a sec then call you back."
They hung up and Estelle did as she was asked, locating Natalie's phone under a discarded sweatshirt on her bedroom floor. When she went to go back downstairs, however, something unusual caught her eye. Maki was sitting in the hallway, tail twitching impatiently as she stared at Sebastian's closed door.
Was he here?
She looked uncertainly at the door for a long moment. Did she want to see him? Yes and no. Did he want to see her? Obviously not, if his door was closed. That was their rule after all. Still, she just wanted to know. An idea hit her and she glanced at Nat's phone in her hand, scrolling through her contacts until she found his number. After a moment's hesitation she pressed Call.
Her heart went into double time when she heard his ringtone go off, and fumbled for the End Call button before he could pick up. Shit, he was here. What the fuck was she going to do now?
I'm not going to do anything. Him being here doesn't change anything. I'm not going to hide out in my own fucking house.
...is what she wanted to say. But that's exactly what she did – went down the stairs and into her room, shutting the door behind her. Hiding out in her own fucking house, until Natalie came home to confirm that he was gone.
It was pathetic, and she knew it. She should have just planted her ass on the couch and waited for him to come downstairs. Put the ball in his court and forced him to make a move – find out what he would say, what he would do. Anything. Anything to break this stalemate, this radio silence.
But she didn't trust herself enough to do that. Just looking at his door while knowing he was behind it was enough to choke her up. How was she supposed to face him like this, when she was one breath away from going to pieces all the time?
So instead she hid, face pressed into her pillow to muffle the sobs that wouldn't stop coming.
Natalie's birthday was as successful as could be expected, all things considered. Nat and Sam spent the afternoon together, probably doing something fun and romantic like a snowball fight or sex in the hot spring, and didn't come home until dinnertime. That's when they dragged Estelle out to the saloon for pizza and Jodi's famous chocolate cake.
Despite having no desire to be out in public tonight, she was trying her hardest to not be morose. She suddenly had a lot more empathy for Sebastian's aversion to social situations. It was exhausting trying to be upbeat when you felt dead inside.
Still, there was always booze. She was giving Shane and Pam a run for their money on the title of town alcoholic these days – hell, she'd even stolen Shane's spot at the bar tonight. Though at least she had standards. Both of them always ordered the cheapest swill Gus offered. Estelle would drink herself into indentured servitude before she picked up a can of Joja's Best.
That was actually a pretty good possibility, come to think of it. Without Sebastian's rent she was back to being financially fucked. The bees were hibernating for the winter so her honey racket was on hold, and the fruit trees she'd planted wouldn't produce until spring at the earliest. She had enough stashed away to get her through a few weeks, probably, but then she'd need to get back out there and make some money.
Hello mines. It's been a while.
Estelle took a sip of her drink, refocusing on Sam and Natalie to shift away from that line of thinking. She had enough to brood over without adding her impending death at the hands of a monster to it. She'd deal with that when it got here.
They were figuring out visiting schedules for when Natalie left. Zuzu was a 4 hour drive – manageable, but not close enough for anything outside of planned weekends. Plus Nat didn't have a car, so she'd either have to spring for a bus or Sam would have to drive up every time.
He was talking a big game, like it would be no big deal and they'd see each other all the time, but they all knew it wasn't quite that easy. He was probably trying to convince himself more than her. Estelle knew he was worried about Nat getting over him while she was gone. Six months is a long time to be apart when you've only been together for two.
It was going to be a hard winter for everybody, it seemed.
"We'll figure it out," Sam said, waving off their concerns. "Besides, it's your birthday! We're supposed to be celebrating your triumphant entrance into your twenties, not worrying about next week."
Nat looked like she was about to argue, but smirked instead, picking up her drink and clinking his glass. "You're right. Congrats Sam, you're no longer fucking a teenager."
He made a face. "Why do you have to put it like that? Now I feel like a creep."
"You are a creep," she said, kissing him on the cheek. "But I love you anyway."
Sam's entire face went pink, smiling stupidly like it was the first time she'd told him she loved him. Was it the first time? Oh, man.
Estelle was surprised to find that being around Sam and Natalie's affection didn't make her jealous or upset. Maybe it was because she was used to it from before everything went to shit, or because she just loved the two of them so much that she couldn't associate their happiness with negativity. It was good to know she wasn't so wrapped up in her own misery to the point of being a completely self-centered asshole. They deserved that, at least.
Estelle polished off her drink and hit Emily up for another. She wasn't planning on getting shitfaced – the last thing she wanted was to force Nat to babysit on her birthday – but maybe if she rode a buzz out she'd manage to get some sleep tonight. It had been way too long since she'd caught more than a few fitful hours of rest. The shadows under her eyes were starting to look more like bruises, her skin sallow and pale. Joja Mart didn't have any sleeping pills in stock, and while Shane had promised to bully Morris into ordering some it would be at least another week until they arrived.
In the meantime, maybe rum would do the trick.
Emily had just set the glass down when the saloon door opened with a loud jangle, prompting Estelle to glance up from the circles she was doodling into the bar with her fingertip. It was a Thursday night, so she expected to see either Shane or Leah. Maybe Marnie, though it was a little late for her tastes.
What she did not expect to see was Abigail, or Sebastian trailing behind her. And from the look on his face when he met her gaze, he hadn't expected to see her either.
She was vaguely aware of Natalie stiffening at her side, of Abigail's shit-eating grin, of Sam coughing as the sip he'd been taking went down the wrong pipe – but the world had narrowed to her and Sebastian, frozen in place, staring at each other with a palpable mixture of apprehension and pain. A small, petty part of her was pleased that he looked like this sucked just as much for him as it did for her. The rest of her just hurt.
Estelle had never been able to read Sebastian, and that was still mostly true, but she did have one insight this time. He was seconds away from turning around and walking right back out. The set of his shoulders, the way his fingers twitched slightly at his side, that dry swallow – yeah, he was gone. Three, two, one…
Before he could prove her right, Abigail reached back and grabbed Sebastian's hand, practically dragging him over to the front of the bar near the cash register. Estelle dropped her eyes to the bar, focusing intently on the grain of the wood so she wouldn't look up again. She didn't want to see this. She didn't want to be here. But she didn't want to give Abigail the satisfaction of running away either.
So much for not getting blackout drunk tonight.
Abigail prattled happily for several minutes, but she was the only one. The tension in the room was thick and volatile, the kind that only took a single spark to blow. Estelle could feel the righteous anger coming off of Natalie, while Sam seemed nervous and irritated more than anything.
Estelle took a long drink and steeled herself for whatever Abigail was about to throw at her. She knew it was coming – this whole thing was obviously planned. Nat's birthday was on the bulletin board calendar, and where else do people celebrate birthdays in this town? The fact that Sebastian hadn't seen through this was further testament to how idiotically blind he was when it came to her.
He really did think she was some misunderstood angel, didn't he? It was no wonder he chose her then. He already knew Estelle was no angel.
"So what day are you leaving Natalie?" Emily asked pleasantly, either oblivious to the situation in the bar or not caring. Probably the first – Emily was a sweet girl, but the adjective "spacey" had never fit someone as well as it did on her.
"Monday."
"Oh good, I was hoping it wasn't until next week! I've been working on a new skirt I thought you'd like…can I stop by Sunday morning?"
"Sure, Sunday works. Thanks Emily," Natalie said. It came off a little more clipped than she meant it to, clearly struggling to switch her brain over from aggressive to grateful. Emily didn't seem to notice though, smiling brightly as she ducked under the bar and headed towards the storage room for something or other.
Gus wasn't working tonight, laid up with a cold, so once Emily was gone they were alone. Abigail, predictably, took the opportunity to start her shit.
"So you're really leaving Natalie? Bummer."
Natalie glared at her. "Not having to look at your saggy jowls anymore makes it all worth it."
Abigail snorted derisively. "For you maybe. What about your little friends? Sam has family here, but poor Estelle's gonna be all alone again," she mocked, tone dripping with syrupy venom.
"Say another word and I'm going to make your face match your shitty dye job," Natalie snapped through clenched teeth. Nat was tiny, but she was scrappy as fuck. There was no doubt she'd make good on that threat if pushed, and Sam put his hand on her leg in an attempt to bring her down a notch.
Despite her best intentions, Estelle glanced up when she heard a bar stool scrape across the floor. Sebastian stood abruptly, stalking towards the door and shoving it open without a word. The jangle announcing his departure was deafening.
She shouldn't have been surprised. Not like he was going to say she wouldn't be alone, that she still had him. She didn't. So he left, rather than just admit it to her face.
She didn't know why she expected anything else.
Abigail smiled darkly as she stood up. "Don't worry. I'm done here," she said, opening the door herself and stepping out into the night.
Natalie and Sam stared at the door in disbelief, before bursting into angry ranting and theories about what her game was. Estelle didn't join in. Instead she leaned over the bar and grabbed whatever well bottle was closest to her, pouring it over her ice that hadn't had a chance to melt.
Abigail's game didn't matter, as long as he was playing it. She couldn't save him, and he didn't want to save her.
So they'd both just burn.
