IN THE SHADOW OF DEATH

CHAPTER 29

On Monday morning, Jess slept late and didn't come down for breakfast with the rest of the family. This was just as well because they were all gloomy and sad and had nothing much to say to each other. Mike asked why neither Slim or Daisy told him that Jess had to go away and received the unsatisfactory reply that Jess wanted to tell him himself. The boy reluctantly left for school only because he was given no other choice.

A little later, Jess came downstairs. Daisy made him a late breakfast and tried her best to get him to talk, but he was more withdrawn than ever. After talking to Mike last night, he'd had to face his own wrenching sorrow about leaving the boy - and everyone else. Now as he stared at the ham and eggs on his plate, all he felt was a profound, leadened grief. He ate less than half of the food in front of him, then alarmed Daisy by telling her he planned to ride to Laramie today.

"Do you really want to go in this bad weather?" she asked. "You're not doing well at all, no matter what you say."

"I got some things I got to take care of and not a lot of time to do it in. The weather ain't goin' to make me better or worse."

"What kind things to you have to do? You sound like you're planning to leave forever!"

"That might be the way it is."

"You shouldn't say such a thing!"

"I got no choice, and you know it."

Daisy seemed to collapse beneath his chilling, matter-of-fact facing of the truth. "Well," she said, meekly, "will you be back in time for lunch?"

"Yeah. I told Mike I'd pick him up at school."

He walked out the door and closed it behind him without another word, leaving Daisy standing helplessly in the living room, wringing her hands.

When Jess got to Laramie, he kept his head down and his black hat pulled low over his eyes. Going straight to Hanson's hardware, he got the old pump unloaded so it could be refurbished. Leaving the wagon there, he walked over to Burke Hershell's General Store and ordered the latest model of sewing machine to be delivered to Daisy by Christmastime. Then he headed for Doc Higgins' office. The walk there never seemed so long or so tiring. For once he was glad to see the whitewashed house behind the picket fence.

Higgins was surprised to see him. He'd already made plans to go out to the ranch after lunch to check on him. When he examined Jess and listened to his heart and lungs with his stethoscope, what he heard frightened him.

Jess noticed. "You don't like what you're hearin', do you?" he asked.

The look that Higgins gave him was both grave and regretful. "No, it's not good. How have you been feeling?" he asked after he'd finished his examination.

"Fair. No dizzy spells."

"Well, at least that's something positive."

"Sure," Jess said sarcastically. "Have you heard from Colorado Springs?"

"Yes. Tyler wants you there as soon as possible. Have you talked to Mike?"

"Yeah. Last night." Jess swallowed hard then forced himself to go on. "What else did Tyler tell you?"

Dan helped Jess back into his shirt then went to stand behind his desk. "Nothing that I didn't already know. You need to go to his sanitorium for treatment."

"Is there any point in it?"

"Of course there is but the journey will be hard on you. I told Jonathan that you'll leave here on Friday morning."

"Why wait until Friday?"

"Because the railway has the best connections from Cheyenne to Denver that day. You can leave on Friday and be in Colorado Springs by Saturday morning. It's the best chance you have of getting there safely."

"You got it all planned out."

"Yes. I don't want you to have to worry about anything except getting on the right train."

"Don't you trust me to get myself there?"

"Jess, the train ride itself will be exhausting for you. I just want to make it easy for you. You're a very sick man."

"No kiddin'."

Higgins kept on going. "When you get to Colorado Springs, someone will pick you up at the station and take you to the sanitorium. You won't have to worry about a thing."

"All part of the service, right?"

"Exactly. Jonathan takes very good care of his private patients - and our friendship has a part to play, too. He'll do his best for you."

"Sounds like a real pleasure trip."

"It's not going to be a vacation, but I don't believe it will be as bad as you think it's going to be. Jonathan is a kind-hearted man and I think you'll get along very well with him. And if you get special treatment from him because of our friendship, you should relax and enjoy it. There's another benefit, too. He's reducing the cost to two hundred and fifty dollars a week and that includes a personal attendant for you who will take of you exclusively."

"Is he goin' to hold my hand, too?" Jess mocked, not liking the idea of somebody following him around all the time.

"Jess! Can't you try to be more positive about all of this?"

"Anyway you look at it, this ain't goin' to be a happy holiday for me, personal babysitter or not. But," he said, somewhat sheepishly, "I'll give him a chance to see what he can do."

"Give yourself a chance, too! Your outlook is so negative! I was hoping you had this…" he stopped, searching for the word, " ...depressive attitude behind you."

"You want to me leave?"

"Of course not! It's your sarcastic remarks I'd like to get rid of. You're in serious trouble, and I'm trying to help you, but all you can do is make trivial comments and reject what I'm trying to do for you!"

A deep silence followed Dan's outburst. He waited in vain for an angry response from Jess, but none came. Instead, Jess stared at a spot on the top of the desk, burning a hole in it with his eyes. Nothing stirred in his gaunt face. His illness was clearly revealed in its dark shadows and sharp angles, and his eyes, which always betrayed his inner emotions, seemed to have frozen into two dark-blue crystals.

Jess' icy silence made Dan nervous. He'd never seen his patient in this detached, unapproachable state. He had no idea was going on behind that blank stare. It worried him more than Jess' physical poor health. The man before him seemed to have changed into another person - and Dan was afraid it was all his fault.

Suddenly, Jess broke the ominous silence. "You're right," he said matter-of-factly.

"What?" Dan asked, not trusting his ears. "That's it?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I'd like a little more enthusiasm."

"I said you're right. How many times do you want me to say it?"

"None at all unless you're serious." Dan paused, debating how to put what he was feeling into words. "Look, Jess," he said at last, "I have this feeling that something is wrong with you and I don't mean physically. You're not yourself - not the person I've come to know as Jess Harper."

"You might be right. Sometimes I don't know who I am either."

"That's no answer! And certainly no solution!"

"Is there a solution?"

"Why are you so cynical? You're the one who never gives up! Now, when your life depends on your willingness to fight for it, you're shrugging your shoulders like you don't care. What's wrong with you?"

"How should I be feelin'? How would you be feelin' if you were in my place? You want me to be more...cheerful?" The sarcasm was back.

"That's not what I meant."

"Look, I'm goin' to Colorado Springs, and I appreciate everything you've done for me - more than you know. But don't ask me to be happy about it."

"That's not what I want, Jess. I just wish you had some faith that…" He swallowed the rest of the sentence.

"...that I got a future?"

"Yes," Dan said with a hard sigh. "Exactly."

Jess rubbed his forehead. "I don't know that I do, Doc. I wouldn't mind so much if it was just about me but I got a boy - a boy who needs me. Do you know how it feels to let him down? There ain't nothin' positive about that."

"You're not letting anyone down!"

"What else would you call it when I've got to leave him?"

"In that case, you must come back from Colorado Springs a healthy man. And cynicism won't help you do that."

A very faint smile played at Jess' mouth. "You're a pretty good doctor, Dan. You know how to patch up more than bullet holes."

"I'm also your friend, Jess. You know, sometimes I think you're being so negative just to get me to challenge you to be more positive."

Jess grinned a little in acknowledgment of the truth in Dan's words, but then his lips tightened as a sharp pain stabbed through his chest.

"Where are you hurting?" Higgins asked, immediately aware of the change in his patient's expression, despite Jess' efforts to hide what he was feeling.

"It's nothin". Just the usual jab when I move the wrong way."

"Do you feel it in the wound itself?"

"No. It's more like a rib," he touched his chest, "or something like that. It hurts now and then."

"Well, there's a reason for that pain. The inflammation around the shattered bone and surrounding tissue is the main cause of your poor health. It's going to give you trouble for a long time. The more I know about it the better. That goes for Jonathan Tyler, too. If you want to get better, you're going to have to cooperate with us by being open and honest about what you're feeling even when that makes you uncomfortable or seems unimportant. Neither Tyler nor I see it as a sign of weakness. You must let us know when you're in pain no matter how minor it may seem to you - or how embarrassing."

"It ain't easy for me to do that. But...," he said with a twist of his mouth, "I'll try."

"You only make things harder for yourself when you try to cover up what's really going on. Remember that!"

"I don't like complainin' about what can't be helped."

"I'm not talking about complaining! What you've been doing is pretending. I know you don't like worrying your folks at home, but Jonathan needs to know exactly how you're feeling. He knows enough about you to be worried that you'll cover up your symptoms."

"He's worried about me? What've you told him?"

"That you're a stubborn man - but he intends to do everything he can to make you feel comfortable. During the winter, he has very few private patients. Most people come to take the rest cure in the summer months. He'll have plenty of time to look after you. You'll come home in the spring the physically well young man you were before you were wounded - if you have the determination and endurance to fight for your life."

"I want to do that, Dan. Sometimes I don't act like it, but I do. Being in the middle of that gunfight on Friday let me know that. And I knew it last night when I talked to Mike." He shot a quick glance at the doctor. "I've seen a lot of bad things in my life and I guess that's where I got that hard edge you're talkin' about. But I know you're right. I can't give up now. I can't do that to Mike - or Slim and Daisy." He hesitated for a minute, rubbing his mouth, thinking hard about what he was trying to say. "It's just… I stay so damned tired all the time, like I'm bein' sucked under, like Death is inside me, stalkin' me, playin' a game with me, waitin' to see if I can get away from him. What I'm really afraid of is that I'm goin' to let him sneak up on me. That I'm goin' to get too tired and let my guard down and let him get me. Maybe even help him get me." He tried to take a breath, his face crinkled with the effort of explaining how he felt. "I'm hopin' goin' to Colorado Springs will help me win. I can be a real sore loser."

"I'm glad you can talk about it and that you understand what you're up against. But you don't have to do this alone, Jess. A lot of people will help you if you let them."

"Dependin' on somebody else don't sit well with me."

"I know that. But you've helped a lot of people. Now it's your turn to let people help you."

"Maybe I ought to look at it like a relaxin' vacation - even though I know that ain't so."

"It might turn out that way as you begin to recover."

"Maybe so." Jess leaned back against the chair, exhausted by the conversation.

"I know you're tired," Higgins said, "but I want to know how your talk with Mike went. How did he take it?"

"Pretty much like any ten-year boy would. He didn't like it but after a while, he calmed down."

"Then everything's alright."

"I'm not so sure about that. I think he keeps a lot of things to himself."

"Like father, like son," Dan said gently.

"I got a bad feeling about leavin' him."

"Maybe you should talk to him again."

"What else can I say? That I ain't goin'?" He stopped for a minute, frowning at Dan. his mouth twitching with frustration but then he looked down and admitted, "He's probably handling it better than I am."

"I think you're right. If you felt better about leaving, so would he."

"It's when I think about how he'll feel if...if I die." Jess' face was tight with pain. "That's the part I can't take."

"Maybe you shouldn't worry so much about it."

"That ain't likely!" Jess snapped. "It's his future I'm thinkin' about."

"It's your future, too! If you worry too much about him, you'll drain the strength you need to get well. And that won't do Mike any good."

Jess tried to take another deep breath. "OK," he said, curtly. "What time does the train leave on Friday?"

"Nine o'clock," Dan shot back. "You should be in Cheyenne by one-thirty that afternoon."

"That's faster than the stage."

"And more comfortable. You'll have to wait three hours in Cheyenne for the train to Denver. In Denver, you'll have an hour wait for the train to Colorado Springs. As I've already said, someone will pick you up at the station there and take you to Tyler's sanitorium. They'll take care of your luggage, too."

"I ain't plannin' on takin' much. I don't think haulin' my shavin' kit around will hurt me much."

"I just don't want you to have to worry about anything but getting on the trains on time. It's going to be a long, hard journey for you."

"Don't worry. I'll get myself there."

"Of course you will."

"Hopefully," Dan thought to himself.

"Is that it? Can I go now?" Jess asked. "I got a lot of things to do."

Dan watched him get up and noticed him wince. "Do you need anything for pain?"

"It ain't that bad."

"Why don't you stay here for a while and rest?"

"Got no time, Dan. I'm goin' over to see Majors and then I'm goin' by Mort's."

"Well, Mort will have some hot coffee. However, Mrs. Howard's taste better."

"I believe you," Jess said, buttoning his jacket, "but Mort needs me to sign off on his report. And I want to see how he's doin'."

"He's better than you. He'd be a lot better still if he didn't galavant around the Territory like he does. He's as stubborn as you are."

"That's Mort."

"Both of you are putting grey hairs on my head."

"Nah," Jess said, "you still look pretty black-headed to me."

Dan went with him to the front door of the office and stood for a while in the open doorway watching him walk away.

END OF CHAPTER 29