Well, these two will talk. And I'll let them.
CHAPTER 29
"Bobby…Bobby…Please…If you can hear me…Please…Bobby…Bobby…"
Alex's voice reached him through a dense fog. Bobby struggled to hear her. He blinked, and her white and worried face focused over him.
"Bobby…Can you hear me?"
"I…I…"
"Take it easy," Alex said gently. Her hands rested lightly on his shoulders.
The thought of trying to sit up didn't enter Bobby's mind. He closed his eyes again until the roaring in his ears ended. He finally opened his eyes and was able to focus on Alex's face.
"I…I think I'm ok," he said. "It…It was all too much."
He lay on his couch, and Alex knelt beside him. "Was I out very long?" he asked.
"No…Just long enough to scare me."
"Oh…Alex…Are you ok?"
"I'm fine," she said. "But if this is going to happen every time you're honest…" Alex shook her head and smiled.
"It wasn't that…Or at least not just that," Bobby said. "I…I'd like to try to sit up…"
Alex helped him and sat carefully next to him.
"Alex…Please…I can't think…When…You're so close…"
"I guess I should take that as a complement," Alex said warmly. "I'm going to get us something to drink. And I'm going to order a pizza…Ok?"
"Yea," Bobby said. He sat on the couch's edge and held his head in his hands. "It's not that bad," he thought. "The truth isn't scaring her. She's not leaving. She…She…What does she feel? Why is she here?"
"Hey."
He looked up to see Alex standing before him. She held two glasses of iced tea. She handed one to him.
"Where did this come from?" Bobby asked. "I don't remember having much…"
"Don't worry…Your supplies have been replenished," Alex smiled.
Bobby took a long drink of his tea. It was strong and sweet and wonderfully cold. "Thank you," he said. "Alex…What…What was happening? Why…Why are you here?"
Alex sat next to him, carefully avoiding touching him. "It's not pity…It's not guilt…At least those aren't the main reasons…" She stared at her tea. "One of the things I realize when you…you were taken..I care about you…Way beyond partnership…Friendship…
"Huang was right," Bobby thought. "She's scared…And about the same things I am…"
"Bobby."
He raised his head.
"How do you feel about me?"
He stared at her in stunned admiration. She might be terrified, but she faced her fears straight on.
"I…I care a great deal about you," Bobby said. "You…You mean…It's obvious…You…You saved me…You save me all the time. Not just now…All of the time since I met you…You've made me a better cop…A better man…My…All of my feelings right now…They're very confused…Right now…But before this…For a very long time…" He swallowed, and made the bravest confession of his life. "I love you."
He sat on the couch, stared on the carpet and listened to his heart pound. "This is it," he thought. "If she leaves…I can't do it…I can't make it…" He felt her soft hand on his cheek, and he looked up.
"I think," Alex said. "That's the first time a man has told me "I love you" first…I always take the lead…And it doesn't always lead to happy results."
Bobby's head spun. "Do…You…"
"'Fraid so. I love you too. Hey, don't pass out on me again. I don't want to have to eat that pizza all by myself."
Bobby rested his head back against the couch. He blinked and took several deep breaths. "It's…It's…So much is going on…It's…It's too much…"
Alex still sat next to him. Her hands hovered over him, but she didn't risk touching him. "Let's take it one step at a time," she said. "That's the only way I know how to deal with all of this."
"Ok." Bobby shut his eyes again. Alex tentatively and tenderly touched his cheek, and its warmth spread through him. He opened his eyes. "You're so brave…So strong," he said.
"Not brave," Alex snorted. "You know that I lean on you too."
He lifted his head and looked at her in wonder.
"Look, I don't want to get into a contest about who leans on who more," Alex smiled.
"I…I just hope…We don't lean on each other so much that we knock each other down," Bobby said.
"We won't," Alex said. "I swear we won't."
There was a knock at the door.
"Pizza," Alex said.
"I'm hungry," Bobby said. "I'm hungry," he repeated in surprise.
For several comfortable moments they ate the pizza. Alex was happy to see Bobby devour two slices. It was the most appetite he'd shown in some time.
"I guess," Alex asid. "That declarations of love make you hungry."
"I…I don't know…I haven't made a lot of declarations of love," Bobby replied.
Alex warily eyed the files on the coffee table. "You're just looking for patterns?"
"Yes…"
Alex considered whether she should bring up the subject of Bobby's possible interviewing of Caldwell and Linley. If Bobby hadn't been approached to do it, it might put the idea in his head. If he had been approached and hadn't told her, it would raise a potentially ugly issue between them.
"No one has talked to me about speaking with them," Bobby said softly.
Alex nearly choked on her tea. "How do you…"
Bobby shrugged. "Unfortunately…I've a good idea of how they think. I imagine they want to talk to me. I'm their unfinished project." He smiled bitterly. "And I guess they want to offer something in exchange…Like the location of victims' bodies…"
"Sometime…I wish you weren't quite so good at your job," Alex said shakily. "You'd do it, too, wouldn't you?"
Bobby fingered a pizza crust. He wished he hadn't eaten so much so quickly. "Not…Not if you tell me not to…"
Alex stared at him. Bobby had just handed control of the most important part of his life over to her.
"No," she said deliberately. "I won't do that. I won't make you deny yourself. I may not always like what you do, but your…devotion…to your job is one of the reasons I love you…"
"A…A lot of people," Bobby said softly. "They'd revel in that sort of power over someone. "My man loves me so much, he'll do anything for me." Stuff like that."
"I don't believe that," Alex said firmly. "That's emotional blackmail."
Bobby tilted his head. "There…There's a lot of anger behind that statement."
Alex frowned.
"I'm sorry," Bobby said. "I've gone too far…"
"No," Alex said. "If I ask you for honest, you deserve the same from me." She turned her glass in her hands. "I loved Joe…He loved me…I know that…But Joe…He'd use that line some times. "If you'd love me, you'd…"" She sat the glass down on the table. "Joe and I…We loved each other…But when I'm honest with myself…I don't know if we could have made it work. "I…I…was moving up faster than him. He was more than hinting that it was time for me to ease up and have a baby. And…And I wanted that. But I didn't want it because I had to prove that I loved him. The night before…Before…"
Bobby's hand reached out and covered one of hers. Alex stared down at their hands.
"We'd made up," Alex said. "It was a fight we kept having. And at some point…We were going to have that fight and not make up."
"Did…Do you feel guilty about that?" Bobby asked gently.
"Not about that particular fight," Alex said. "But the bigger fight it was part of…I don't know…I wanted kids…I wanted kids with Joe…But…I wanted them WITH Joe…Not FOR Joe…"
Bobby looked at her sympathetically. "That makes a lot of sense to me. But…I'm not sure I understand why people…At least some people…Have children…It seems to…I like kids, I mean…Some kids I love…But…I don't have any idea of how to be a parent…Or how anyone could…But…I didn't have the greatest examples…And it's really only been an issue a couple of times…"
Bobby looked terribly sad for a moment, and Alex's heart splintered. "What happened?" she asked gently.
He rubbed the back of his neck. "This…A woman…I…I thought I loved her…Maybe I did…We got to a point…I started to see a house and a yard and kids…The whole thing…And then I told her about my Mom…And I never saw her again…"
Alex winced.
"And there was Irene…You remember her?"
Alex nodded. She'd met the tall, graceful, funny brunette a few times, and liked her. She could also understand why Bobby liked her.
"She…She was the real deal…She wanted to marry me and have kids…The whole thing. She didn't leave when I told her about my Mom…But…Kids…I…I couldn't…I couldn't take the chance they…I saw what my Mom went through…"
"What about…"
"Adoption? And what happens when their father goes crazy or…or becomes a drug addict?" Bobby shook his head. "It…All of it's bad enough, but can you imagine what this would be like…."
"Bobby." Alex said gently. "Every kid…Every parent…Every person…It's a gamble…"
"I know…But with me…My family…My upbringing…What chance would a kid have? And…And I couldn't do that to her." He looked wildly around him. "How can I do it to you…I gotta…"
"No, Bobby." Alex clutched his arm. "You're a good man…"
"But…Now…After everything…It's too late…I…I…"
Alex dove in the deep end of the pool. She seized Bobby's hands. "Bobby…We…There's a lot of people who want to help you…I want to help you…I love you…"
He shivered. "But…But…Alex…I…I don't know…I love you…But…Everything…And after what they did to me. I don't know if…If I'll ever be able to…To…Even if…We're not supposed to…Even if we could…I don't know if…If I'll ever be able to…To…Physically…"
Alex felt as if she'd jumped into that deep pool without first learning how to swim. "Bobby…Bobby…Is that what happened? Did you remember what they did to you?"
He nodded slowly. He didn't look at her.
"Oh…Oh…Bobby…I'm in way over my head here." She wanted to run to find Huang, to find anyone who could help her and Bobby.
"I…I'm sorry…Oh, Alex…I…"
"Bobby." She released his hands and gently held his face. "I…I'm thrilled that you're talking to me….That you trust me…That's all good…Very good…Wonderful…But…I'm afraid…What if I do the wrong thing?"
Shaking, he raised his hands to place over hers. "I…I'm not sure there's a right thing to do here," he said softly. He leaned so that their heads touched. "Oh, God…I'm so tired…" His hands dropped to his sides.
"That's not surprising," Alex said. The storm seemed to be over. "I'm pretty wiped out, and I didn't start the day in the hospital."
"Alex…There's so much we have to talk about…"
"It can wait…You need to get some sleep…Or at least try to…"
"Ok…" He rose unsteadily. Alex gently took his arm and guided him to his bed. He didn't protest as she slipped his shoes and socks from his feet and helped him unbutton his shirt. He slid his pants off, and she helped him lift his legs into the bed.
"Alex?" he asked as she pulled the covers around him.
"Yea…"
"Could…Could you stay? At least until I…I fall asleep?"
She tenderly brushed his cheek. "I'll stay…I won't leave you…I'll be here when you wake up."
He closed his eyes and was soon deeply asleep. Alex slid off her own shoes and socks and carefully stretched out next to him. In a few seconds she joined him in a blessedly dreamless sleep.
END CHAPTER 29
