Emily felt she had been making progress until she saw Spencer and Penelope drive away from her second floor window. She wanted desperately to go home to leave the plush gardens and tranquility of Lankershim and no matter how serene it felt and looked even in her compromised state, she knew it was all a mirage.
The drugs that had been pumped into her system and that had allowed O'Shea and Easter to control her mind were completely gone from her system and for that she was grateful. But now the memories, jumbled, scattered and brilliantly scattered across her mind as if someone had dumped a large jigsaw puzzle on the floor, kept her in a hopeless state of awareness. It frightened her because she could no longer deny the existence of her truth and what her life had cost so many that she loved.
She needed to see him; her confessions had to begin with him she knew this for a fact. After all, it had all begun with him. She knew him all too well he'd place the blame for her troubles squarely on his own shoulders and try to fix the un-fixable…to fix her.
Deek's Diner –
"Answer me, Reid!"
There was a reason he'd preferred the company of a good book; they never required anything more from him but to turn the page. He knew his friend needed something from him that he wasn't sure he could give her; peace and no matter what he said he was certain he could not give her that.
"Garcia, I really think this is something you and Morgan need to work out."
"I need to know."
"Morgan loves you, but you know that, don't you?"
"I thought I did but…"
Home of Derek Morgan –
Fran Morgan had managed to erase all the signs of her son's drunken escapade. She'd also gathered his laundry that had been strewn all over the house and ran several loads while he slept soundly upstairs. Now she was cleaning out his refrigerator more as a way to burn her remaining nervous energy than out of need. For the most part her son was a neat orderly man, the only mess was the normal things that went undone due to his job sending him all over the country for days sometimes weeks at a time. Today was different; today she walked into chaos and disorder and her son drunk less than an hour from being discharged from the hospital.
She'd managed to salvage a few things from the refrigerator and began preparing a meal. He'd need coffee, lots of coffee so she began brewing a strong pot.
"I'm sorry."
The familiar voice startled her momentarily; turning toward the doorway she saw that he looked slightly better than before she'd sent him upstairs.
"Sit. I'll make you something to eat."
He did as he was told taking a seat at the table. She poured him a cup of coffee and set it in front of him then returned to the counter where she'd pulled out eggs, bread and bacon; he loved her French toast and so she set out to make his favorite breakfast.
"I'm worried about you, Baby."
"Don't…"
"Derek, how can I not worry? You were home an hour and you were drunk! That's not like you!"
"Ma, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking, okay?"
She placed his plate in front of him and planted a motherly kiss on the top of his head. He smiled slightly and began digging in.
"I'm not a little boy any more."
"Yeah, I know you're not."
She grabbed a cup of coffee and took the seat across from him watching as he devoured the French toast, bacon and eggs. There he was; her little boy who'd stuffed his mouth with so much food that she thought he'd choke to death.
"So what are you going to do about getting your Baby Girl back?"
"I don't know. Honestly, I think she'd be better off without me."
"I didn't raise a quitter, Derek Morgan!"
"I'm not a quitter. I'm just being a realist. I've screwed up everybody's life!"
"Son…"
"No Ma! A mad man, scrambled Emily's brain because of me and I've hurt Pen because I got drunk and slept with her best friend. I think I need to stay away from… from anybody that cares about me!"
"Baby, listen to me! You can only fix what you broke! What happened to Emily is terrible I can't even imagine what she's gone through but that was the work of a mad man."
"What about Penelope? How do I make her listen to me?"
"You keep talking! She's upset right now but give her time."
Morgan finished off the remaining bacon on his plate as he stared out the window he couldn't help but think about the woman who'd nearly lost everything because of him; she'd been caught in a deadly trap by a cruel sadistic man and all she had done was care about him.
"I've got to see her."
"Who?"
"Emily."
Penelope knew that her friends were right; she needed to talk to Morgan. She'd done everything but talk to him searching for answers where she knew she wouldn't find them. She was afraid to hear that he loved Emily and that she was just a poor substitute. As she headed toward his house she couldn't deny that Morgan and Emily had been close especially in the last year before she, "died." He'd begun to spend more and more of his free time with her and less time complaining about Kevin being a clueless jerk for letting her go. Penelope watched how he grieved and how he would not rest until he found Ian Doyle. No one had been so affected by her death than him. Emily being in England allowed her to push her questions and her doubts to the back of her mind but when she returned those same questions and doubts seemed to make themselves known whenever she saw the two of them together. She had to talk to him to ask the questions and watch his eyes as he told her the truth. She knew him too well, which was often a curse more than a blessing because he couldn't lie to her she'd see it and feel it.
The butterflies in her stomach woke and stretched and then began to fly madly within her. Her hands began to shake as she stepped from the car and closed the door. She'd heard her friends but more importantly, she heard her heart and she loved him and this was one of those times when she needed to put on her big girl pants and fight for what she'd only dreamed of having for over ten years.
Fran was surprised to hear the doorbell. Derek hadn't mentioned that he was expecting company but he wasn't in any shape to say much. She just finished the dishes and quickly dried her hands and headed to the door. She was surprised but happy as a bright smile spread across her face as she looked at the nervous woman on the other side of the door.
Lankershim Institute –
Morgan waited patiently on a weathered wooden bench near a small pond in view of the main entrance. He'd been instructed by the head administrator to wait for her there. He closed his eyes and leaned back in a stolen moment of solitude willingly allowing him self to believe in the peace and serenity that the seclusion provided. He needed the moment to gather his thoughts and feelings before seeing his friend. It seemed like forever since the last time he'd seen her. Then he remembered when everything went terribly wrong.
They had been on a morning run laughing letting their insatiable competitive spirit run free. Then the man appeared stepping from the bushes and revealing his intentions with the gun held firmly in his hand. Then she was bleeding on the ground stepping in front of him to take a bullet meant for him. That moment had jerked him back to another moment when she lay dying before his eyes. There was nothing he could say or do to keep her from slipping away, even she had begged him to let her go but he refused to let that happen. Fate had placed him here still with no words just a desire to save her to keep her in the present he only wished she would fight too and not beg him like before to let her go.
It was now or never she thought to herself as she approached him. She was happy to see him and yet she was afraid; his friendship meant the world to her and the truth would definitely test that friendship. He stood and smiled and without hesitation pulled her into a warm embrace. He smelled good and his arms felt good around her.
"Sit with me."
The two moved back to the bench and he took her hands in his. For a moment no words were spoken just silent anticipation. Derek was the first to speak.
"You look good. How are you feeling?"
"Thanks. Uh…I don't know, better…clearer."
"Aren't you supposed to be in a hospital bed?"
"I got out this morning."
"Then aren't you supposed to be at home resting?"
"Yeah, well, I needed to see how you were doing."
She smiled fighting off the tears that were beginning to well in her eyes.
"How's Penelope?"
He looked away trying to control his own emotions.
"I wish I knew." He began. "I told her about us."
She swallowed hard searching his face.
"Wow. If she didn't hate me before this will surely send her over the edge."
"I couldn't keep it from her any longer. I want a future with her and that means we can't have any secrets between us."
"What a segue…" Emily cleared her throat.
Derek noticed a sadness cross her face. She pulled her hands from his and stood walking near the pond a few steps away.
"Em, what's going on? Talk to me."
"That night, I was so confused and sad. Things just never felt normal again after I came back. I worked so hard to get everyone's trust back, your trust back and…"
"You got it back, Em, really."
"I know, I know but it…there was something missing inside and I just needed to figure out how to fix me!"
Derek stood behind her and placed his hands gently on her shoulders turning her to face him.
"Emily, you've been through a lot and you're the strongest woman I know. You don't need to be fixed you just need time to…to…"
"To what?"
"To heal, Emily! It's not going to happen overnight."
"Morgan I wish it were that easy."
"Isn't it?"
"Derek, I need to tell you something."
She walked away and resumed her place on the bench. Again, he followed her.
"So tell me. Remember what I told you? That there's nothing to horrible that I wouldn't…
"I was pregnant."
"What?"
"That night after JJ's and Will's wedding…we…"
"…were pretty wasted."
"Yeah."
"Emily, are you saying…"
"A month after I got to London, I found out I was pregnant, Morgan. There wasn't anyone else…"
Derek felt as if he'd been hit by a ton of bricks he felt numb, dizzy, confused.
"You were pregnant? Why didn't you tell me, Emily?"
She touched his arm and he moved quickly out of her grasp and stood running his hands over his head.
"Where's the baby?"
"Derek…"
"Where's my child?"
"He died."
She saw him break into a million pieces before her eyes. How could she tell him the rest? There was so much more but he was broken and his mind was closed to her. She saw the anger she'd only seen it once before. How could she think it would end any other way? She promised him no more lies; she swore that she had told him everything and that she would never withhold anything else from him again.
He was broken nothing made sense anymore; he trusted her she was one of few that he'd allowed himself to trust, but now she had merely proven once and for all that trust was in itself a lie.
