Hey! Less than two weeks! Not bad, huh?
Whatobsession and Jessypt were so amazingly fast at getting this back. Thanks so much ladies!
You guys blow me away with your reviews every time. Thank you so much. They are such great encouragement for writing.
See you at the bottom!
Rusted From the Rain
I stumble through the wreckage
Rusted from the rain
There's nothing left to salvage
No one left to blame
Among the broken mirrors
I don't look the same
I'm rusted from the rain
-Billy Talent
My leg bounces as the train goes through Oregon on its way to our destination. Home - or where home used to be anyway. I haven't been back in almost ten years, and I don't know what to expect. I look out the window looking at the sunrise. Everything seems so quiet, peaceful, at this time of the day. I take a deep breath and try to let the calm from outside settle me.
We left the hotel early, while it was still dark and cold outside. Even though facing my hometown won't be easy, I was happy to leave Portland, to leave the danger behind. Bend will be safe for Bella. Nobody is looking for me and there's no reason for Alec to look for her there. I look over to see Bella sleeping peacefully. I breath deep, trying to settle my sick stomach, close my eyes and lean back in my seat.
~*E&B*~
I wake, hearing the speakers overhead announce we've arrived at our destination.
"Bella," I say close to her ear, moving her hair off her face.
"Hmm?"
"We're here."
She sits up, yawning, and stretches her arms above her.
"Do you know where our hotel is?" she asks as we step off the train with our bag.
"Yeah, it's only about a half mile from here," I say as we head to the main road from the station.
"Oh, so we're walking this time?" she asks in a way that tells me she knows I was up to something in Portland.
"Umhm," I mumble not fully acknowledging her.
"Why not another cab?" she asks with false inquisitiveness.
"Too lazy to walk, huh?" I ask, smirking, trying to deflect the subject.
"Cut it out. Why were we taking cabs everywhere in Portland?"
"Ugh," I moan, hanging my head dramatically.
"C'mon." She bumps her body into my arm.
"Alright, I guess it doesn't matter since we won't be going back. I ran into some of the guys from Roy's gang, and they were looking for me."
"I knew it!"
I turn back and look at her, raising an eyebrow at the victory plastered on her face.
"What? I knew something wasn't right the whole time we were there, and I was just wondering when you were going to trust me enough to tell me."
"It wasn't about trust. I had the situation under control and didn't want to scare you."
"You're not worried now?"
"Nope. None of them know where I'm from, and they would have no reason to look for me here."
I hear her blow out a breath of relief. "You sure?"
I nod.
"Promise?"
I laugh. "Promise."
"Good. Fill me in next time, okay?" She grabs my hand tightly.
"I'm hoping there won't be a next time, but sure, I'll fill you in," I wink at her and throw my arm around her shoulder.
We laugh and joke while we walk down the street. It feels good to not be looking over my shoulder or wondering if someone is waiting to jump me around the next corner. Sure enough though, a different feeling of unease starts to rush through my veins. One I've never felt before. I feel my shoulders tensing with every step. Even though the area has grown, the buildings around us are becoming more familiar. I start to recognize most everything around me and with that memories invade.
Until the final night when my mom was killed, most of my memories here are good ones; it doesn't make them any easier though. My chest feels tight, and I don't feel like I take a full breath until our hotel comes into view. It's not as fancy as the one in Portland, but it's still nice. After we check in and find our room we're both starving, since we haven't eaten since the night before.
"What sounds good?" she asks.
"Anything. I'm just hungry." I don't know if it's my surroundings or the lack of food making me feel on edge.
"Well, what time do you meet the people again?"
"Noon."
I called the social worker's office who handled my case before we left Forks and made an appointment to pick up all my papers today.
"Should we just walk that direction and grab a sandwich or something?"
"Sounds good," I say. I know my voice sounds tense and irritated but I'm trying hard to control it.
We leave our stuff in the room and make our way back out into the sunny afternoon. It's warmer here than it was in Portland, and my long sleeved shirt is making me sweat. I try pulling up the sleeves, but it's really no help.
"You need some new clothes," Bella says sadly, sticking her finger through the hole on the side of my shirt.
"Nah, this shirt isn't that old." In fact, it's in better shape than most of what I've owned.
"Still, you only have like two shirts. If you're gonna be working for Emmett and stuff we should get you some new clothes."
"Let's talk about it once we have some money," I say stiffly. I don't like when she brings things up that I can't afford to change.
"Okay," she says softly, grabbing on to my pinky.
Walking toward the social security office that's a couple miles away, we pass familiar places from my child hood.
I clear my throat. "Uh, my friend Jordan used to live there," I say, pointing to the yellow house as we pass it. I'm not sure why I decide to point things out to her; I just want her to know who I used to be. That I wasn't always fucked up.
"Really? That's a nice house," she says, craning her neck to see it. "You think he still lives there?"
I shrug. "I don't know."
"We used to all meet at his house and play basketball there," I tell her smiling at the memories.
"I didn't know you played basketball," she says, sounding astonished and impressed.
I laugh. "It's not that big of a deal. I played on the team in Jr. High, and we'd screw around there because Jordan was the only one with the hoop."
"Were you good? I bet you were good," she says with a smile.
"I was okay," I say smiling. "We'd spend hours playing. It was something I could go do while my mom was working."
"She worked a lot, huh?"
I nod. "Yeah, she tried so hard to be home for dinner and stuff, but it was hard when she had so many jobs."
I see a familiar building down the street.
"That's my old Jr. High," I say, pointing to the school building down the road.
"Do you want to go see it?" She asks.
"Nah, I was always trying to figure out a way to get out of school. Why would I go back willingly?" I ask, making her laugh.
"I loved school," she says, poking my side.
"You would," I joke.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she demands laughing.
I shrug and laugh but don't answer because, frankly, I don't know. It just sounded like a good comeback. It feels good to have fun with her, but it doesn't last long.
We're walking the same path I walked almost every day coming home from Jordan's. My body still knows where to go, and before I know it, we're standing in front of my old apartment building. The old bricks look even older than I remember, and the overgrown weeds in the yard seem as though they're trying to take the building over. Loud, ugly air-conditioners hang from windows, and bikes litter the walkway. I think about how many times I ran up and down the steps leading to the front door.
"Edward. Edward?" My head snaps up to see Bella a few feet ahead of me. I didn't realize I had stopped walking.
"Are you ok?" she asks, walking back rubbing my arms.
"Yeah," I say quietly, still frozen. "That's... ugh, that's my old house. Well, apartment... whatever," I say stumbling over my words.
"Oh, Edward," she says wrapping her arms around my waist. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize..."
"Shh, it's okay. We just... stumbled on it. I was on autopilot. It just kind of snuck up on me is all."
"Do you want to -"
"Can we just... stand here for a second?" I interrupt her softly still staring at the broken brick structure in front of me.
"Of course," she says, turning her head to look at the apartment.
Her arms still tight around my waist, I stare at the building and run one hand over her hair and down her back.
I stare and a million thoughts fly through my head. A few are pleasant - Christmas mornings with my mom around our paper tree taped to the wall. The singe piece of cake I'd wake up to and get to eat for breakfast on my birthday - then all the rest of the memories seep in. Memories of my waking up in the night and seeing my mom crying at the table with stacks of bills around her. Her falling asleep at the few dinners she could come home in time for because she was so tired. Then of course the night she was killed... I can't even bring myself to think about that night.
There's nothing of my mom left here. I was hoping when I came back home I'd feel her presence - that some kind of peace I'd been looking for would wash over me. That by seeing the steps I sat on waiting for her to walk up after work, I'd feel her here in this place. That by looking up at our second story window - the one to the bedroom she insisted I sleep in - I'd feel her love. I feel nothing. Leaving town so soon after the attack, being so young and living in such an extreme way has made wonder sometimes if she was really gone. I knew she was gone but there was no funeral. I never said goodbye. I don't even know where they put her body. I've felt so disconnected to this segment of my life; I thought coming back would change that. I just wanted something to anchor me back to it.
"Are you okay?" Bella's voice breaks me from my thoughts.
I clear my throat. "Yeah... I don't know. I wasn't sure what coming back here would feel like?"
"What does it feel like?"
I don't answer right away. I don't know what to say. I feel stupid assuming being back here would change something for me. There's only one word that can sum up how I feel in this moment - this moment of awareness, of acceptance that what I once had I will never have again.
She's really gone.
What does it feel like?
"Empty."
She nods into my chest - she understands. Nothing else needs to be said.
A little boy comes flying out the main door. He's missing his shirt and shoes but jumps over the steps, gripping a doll in his hand. Seconds later high-pitched screams shatter our peace.
"Give it back!" The owner of the shrillness, a little girl, tears down the steps in hot pursuit of the boy.
I stare a second longer at the ugly building. There's nothing here for me. I take Bella's hand, and we quietly walk down the street. I never turn back and look behind me.
~*E&B*~
"You're not going to eat?"
"I am," I say, smiling at her across the table.
The air around us has been somewhat tense since we left my old place. I don't want her to worry about me.
"When?"
"When what?" I ask somewhat distracted.
"When are you going to eat?"
I look at her plate, and it's empty. Probably the first time she's ever finished before me. My food hasn't been touched, but I don't have an appetite anymore.
I shrug. "I guess I'm not hungry."
"You can talk to me, Edward. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to be back there," she says softly, reaching across the table to grab my hand.
"I'm really ok; I promise." I lean over and kiss her cheek as I stand to go pay the bill. I don't mean to shut her out. It hurts to know she probably feels that way, but if I have any chance of getting through this day I need to shut down; it's the only way.
Bella meets up with me by the front door, giving me a sweet smile when I open it for her. I'm glad she's not taking my attitude personally.
"What's the address again?" I ask.
Bella pulls the slip of paper we scratched the address on out of her pocket. I look over it and then take in my surroundings.
"Okay, it should be a few blocks that I way," I say pointing down the street to our left.
"Wow, you seem to know your way around no matter where we're at."
I laugh. "I did live here for twelve years," I say, putting my arm around her.
She shrugs. "Still, I don't know my way around... anywhere," she laughs.
I explain to her the little tricks I know - how streets and avenues run opposite directions and how house numbers are odds or evens depending on which side of the street they're on. In turn she translates all the street names into Italian. She doesn't ask me again about lunch or why I'm acting so off.
"Thanks for not pushing me," I whisper, so quietly I'm sure she barely heard, kissing the top of her head.
She pulls on my hand that's around her shoulder kissing it, letting me know she understands.
Before we know it, we're stand at an old nondescript building.
"1422. This is it," she says looking at the slip of paper again. "Ready?"
"Sure," I say, leading her into the building with my hand on the small of her back.
A woman sits at the front desk shuffling through piles of files.
"How can I help you two?" she asks, smiling over the files.
"Yeah... Uh, I had an appointment at noon. We're a little early," I add looking at the clock above her head.
"No problem. Let me just shoot a phone call to her desk."
"Thanks," I say. We sit in a row of chairs that line one wall to wait.
Bella and I look through an old magazine, and she helps me translate the pages into Italian. I'm shocked at how much of it's sticking with me. She's correcting my pronunciation, making me laugh, when a woman interrupts us.
"Edward?"
I'm still laughing when I look up, and I stop immediately - the laugh getting caught in my throat. I'm in shock. It's the same woman who took me from my apartment the night of the attack. The same woman who would come pick me up from jail when the cops picked me up for running away. The same woman who would look at me through the rearview window of her car with sad eyes filled with pity, as she drove me to the next foster home. Her sweet smile when she dropped me off at a new home, begging me to 'give it a chance'. The same woman who I never planned on seeing again when I ran away to Portland. She's aged and gained weight but there's no doubt it's the same lady. Seeing her brings back so many unpleasant memories it's hard to even find words to speak.
"Um, yes," I say clearing my throat, standing to shake her hand.
"You're all grown up," she says sounding surprised.
"Twelve years will do that," I say awkwardly, taking my hand from hers that she's still holding.
"Oh, dear, I'm sorry. I'm just so surprised is all." An awkward silence follows when I feel Bella slip her hand into mine.
"Oh, sorry. This is Bella, my girlfriend."
"So nice to meet you, Bella. I'm Shelley Cope," the woman says shaking her hand.
"You too, Mrs. Cope," Bella says.
"Shelley's just fine. Well, why don't you two follow me back to my office, and we'll get started."
We both nod and follow her through the crowded cubicles that fill the back. Every desk seems like a file cabinet exploded on it, and there are even stacks of files on the floor.
"Sorry about the mess," she says, looking behind her smiling. "Things tend to get a little... hectic around here."
"Oh, it's ok," Bella says stepping over another pile.
"Here we are," Shelly says, gesturing for us to step into the little cubical before her.
We walk in and take the two empty chairs across from hers. Her space is a little cleaner than the others but not by much.
"I'm so glad you called. I was able to go into the back and dig up all of your information."
Even if that's the case, she's still pushing papers all over her desk obviously trying to find the file.
"Ah! Here it is," she says pushing papers out of the way, placing it on the bare part of the desk.
"Edward Masen..." she says to herself, opening the large file. "It's customary to check up on you. Since you're over eighteen you don't have to but..."
"What do you need to know?" I ask, unsure if I feel like sharing anything.
"We... well, I would just like to make sure you're doing okay now. I know you've had a rough go, Edward. I was worried when you never retrieved your things after you turned eighteen."
"I'm good," I say.
She just stares, waiting for more information.
"Uh, I'm starting a new job and need to get my license. So... yeah, I need my papers."
That's all she's getting from me.
"So you're doing well!" She states with a large smile.
"Yeah," I say awkwardly and much less enthusiastically.
"Ok... good then. Lets see what we have here for you..." She says pouring some of the contents onto the desk. It's not lost on me that all my personal belongings from a life that was so important fit into one large envelope.
"Your mom... she didn't have much. They took -"
"It's ok," I say cutting her off. I don't want to hear about any of it. I know we didn't have anything.
She gives me a small look of pity. The phones around us are all ringing off the hook and people are running around. I find myself distracted by everything, but Shelley just keeps going, obviously used to the chaos.
"Ok, here we have your birth certificate." She hands it over to me. I set it on the desk and look it over. "Then your social security card." She sets it on top of the birth certificate. "Now I'm sure you already know, but keep that somewhere safe. Don't keep it in your wallet or where anyone else can get it." I look at her dumbly. "Okay?" she asks to make sure I'm listening.
"Okay," I say.
"That's you, Edward," she says, pointing to the card. "If someone gets a hold of this number they can steal your identity... you know, your credit all that." I nod, pretending like I understand her. I don't even have a damn bank account.
"Oh..." she says surprised pulling out a stack of papers. "Looks like your mom saved all these with your other papers."
I look at the stack she's handing me and realize it's all my awards from school and sports, old drawings and random school art - small achievements I made throughout my short education. I flip through the tests marked with an 'A' and letters from my teachers praising my efforts. I see Bella wipe a tear sitting next to me.
"You okay?" I ask having no idea what could possibly be upsetting to her.
"Oh yeah... it's just really sweet. You know, that she kept all those." I just nod my head and set them on the growing pile.
"Would you mind... could I?" Bella asks pointing towards my childhood sitting in a neat pile.
"Sure." I shrug. I'm not sure why she'd want to see them, but if it makes her feel like I'm not shutting her out it's worth it.
While Bella goes through the papers Shelly continues bringing stuff out. Health records, legal documents and just random shit. Then a smaller envelope falls out and she hands it to me.
"Your mom was wearing this... when she was found."
I turn the envelope upside down and a gold chain with two rings falls into my palm. I recognize it immediately. She wore this every day. A gold chain she got when she graduated high school; then when grandma and grandpa died she wore their rings on it.
"Wow, that's beautiful," Bella says gently running her finger over the ring my grandmother wore on her finger for over fifty years.
It's delicate looking. There's a diamond in the center, larger than I remember, with diamonds weaving an intricate web around it. My grandfather's band is wide but simple gold.
"How?" I ask. I assumed everything of value would have been taken to pay for whatever costs there were.
Shelley has a glint in her eye. "Someone must have realized how important they were and put them aside before anyone noticed."
"Thank you," I say sincerely; my voice comes out horse.
I make eye contact with her and can't break away. I stare into her eyes, wondering why she would do something for a kid she didn't even know. Unshed tears come to her eyes and she just nods. Feeling the weight in my hands I look back down at the most valuable things I will ever own - and it has nothing to do with the sale values of the rings.
"You're mom would have wanted these to stay in the family," she says softly. I look up at her, wondering why she would say that. "I uh... I went to high school with your mom. Small town." She shrugs. She doesn't elaborate, and I don't ask any questions.
"Okay, this last bit of information isn't fun, but I'm sure you want to know..." she trails off. Bells scoots her chair closer to mine and places her hand in mine. I squeeze back, knowing what's going to come out next.
"Your mom, she's buried at the Pilot Butte Cemetery," she says handing me a printout with the same information on it.
It's all so formal and sterile. I feel my throat closing. Bella's hand runs up and down my back as I stare at the offending paper.
"How... who." My voice is coming out full of emotion, so I clear my throat. "How was it paid for... did anyone, I mean - was she alone, did anyone go?"
A mask of sadness washes over Shelley. "The state has a program to help pay for a very simple burial when there is no family. The ladies your mom worked with did whatever they could to pitch in to cover the rest. A nice little marker purchased because of their donations and from members of the community. Everyone in town was devastated over what happened. The pastor of the local church came out and spoke a few words. Your mother's friends from work were there, and a few of us girls who were friends with her in school... I'm sorry you couldn't be there, Edward."
I'm looking down into my lap and just nod my head. We both know I wasn't there because I ran away right before Shelly came to pick me up at the foster home. She was going to take me, but I couldn't face it. My mind couldn't wrap around goodbye at that age.
Regret like I've never felt fills me up. At twelve I didn't understand the weight of my choice - now I do. I not only sat there passed out when she was killed, but I also let her get lowered into the cold earth without me there. I feel nauseous and stand up, walking out of the little cubical.
"Bathroom?" I ask a random person walking by. He points in the direction, and I lock myself behind the door. Leaning against the cold metal door, with my hands on my knees, I breathe deep trying to make the nausea pass.
Someone knocks on the door, and I can feel the vibrations against my back.
"Edward?" It's Bella. "Can I come in?"
I pull my body off the door but don't open it.
"Please, Edward."
Turning the lock I let her in. Immediately, her arms are wrapped around me.
"I'm so sorry you have to go through this, Edward," she whispers in my ear. Her hand wraps around my neck, holding my tight to her. I squeeze her back and finally feel like I can breathe again. I don't speak; I just hold her tight.
"So sorry," she whispers over and over. She kisses my neck and massages the back of it with her hand.
"Why don't you go outside, get some fresh air, and I'll finish up with Shelley," she offers, pulling back to look at me.
"No, you don't have to do that. I just needed a minute... it was a lot of information coming at once."
"I know... I know how overwhelming it all is. Look at me," she demands softly. "I know it hurts, Edward. It's ok." I just nod, lick my lips and lean in to kiss her.
I kiss her once, twice and three times against the door. I pull back and run my hands through my hair. Even in the midst of this shit she's able to ground me and keep me stable. Before I would have walked out of this office and never turned back. I'm tired of running.
"Ready?" I ask, unlocking the door.
"You're almost done," she replies with an encouraging smile.
"Sorry," I say embarrassed, as we sit back in the chairs.
"Don't be sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this is to take in." Shelley smiles sweetly.
"This is everything," she says, handing me the paperwork all tucked back into the envelope.
"Do you have any questions for me?"
I do have one, but I'm scared and embarrassed to ask. I don't know what her opinion is on the night, and I'm not sure what she'll think about me asking.
"Uh... I have one, but I don't know..." I trail off. I see Bella look over at me waiting.
"Go ahead," Shelley encourages.
"Remember... you probably don't, but do you remember the night you picked me up at the jail? The last time I saw you?"
A look of shock crosses her features, and she nods.
"I knew you had nothing to do with that, Edward, if that's what you're wondering. You were troubled, understandably, but I knew you never hurt that little girl."
I'm not sure why, but it feels good to hear her say that. I wasn't looking for acceptance or reassurance, but hearing it feels good nonetheless.
"Thank you," I say barely audible. "I was just wondering... you know, something like that stays with you. I think about her... you know, it just happens - do you know - I mean, is there anyway -" I stop, staring down into my lap, frustrated that I can't get the fucking words out. Nothing I'm saying is making any sense.
"You want to know if Lucy is okay?" Shelley asks.
"Yeah," I breathe.
She pauses staring at us for a while. Bella's hand grips my own.
"Please, it would mean a lot to know," Bella whispers.
"We're not supposed to give out any information on another person, and she's still a minor..." she says, although I can tell she's about to break. She looks around her cubical then leans forward on her desk a little.
"Okay, just the basics. Keep it in this office," she says sternly.
My head snaps up, and I agree quickly.
"Lucy was adopted two years after that night to a wonderful young couple Her parents send updates often, and she stops by to see us now and then. She's twelve now; tall, beautiful and not only speaks but sings. She has a beautiful voice and loves singing in her church choir. She's happy, healthy, loved and, Edward... she's asked about you more than once. She remembers that night and everything you did for her."
I have no words. That's more than I was ever expecting to know. I just wanted to know if she ever got out of the Foster Care system.
"Wow. That's amazing." I hear Bella say, thanking Shelley for telling us.
"Can I tell her you're okay, too? Tell her about Bella maybe?" Shelley asks with a sweet smile.
I just nod and stand up. I feel a smile spread across my face. Hearing that makes coming here worth it.
"Thanks for everything. I really appreciate it," I say shaking her hand.
"Good luck, you two," Shelley says sincerely as we leave her office.
As soon as we get in the hall Bella grabs onto my hand tightly. I accepted loneliness a long time ago - embraced it even. I had no idea the damage it was doing. We walk back outside hand in hand. Her hand in mine is more than I ever expected in life. It feels amazing to not go through every motion alone.
kdc2239 on twitter for updates and teasers!
See everyone in a week or two!
