Notes: SatW or Sister [insert Nation here] refers to the Scandinavia and the World version of that Nation. I don't own SatW. Bleepdrinks belong to the PPC and whoever created each one.


Part IV

"So, when are the other trolls coming?

"WHEN ERIDAN GETS HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS FUCKING ASS AND REALISES THAT THE PLOTHOLE FUCKING EXISTS."

"I see." Wizard Arthur grinned. "He's the one who wants to be a wizard, right?"

"YEAH. HE'S ALSO A FUCKING TOOL."

"You know when Terezi and Vriska are coming, right?" John Egbert asked Karkat.

"FUCKASS, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT –"

"Look, we're just curious," Dave Strider groaned, adjusting his aviator sunglasses.

They had lost Morgan LeFine at the entrance to the Staff Section. Once in the sanctuary of the Staff quarters, Karkat had started cussing about "THOSE FUCKING FANGIRLS" so virulently that even Lovino Vargas told him to "fucking wash [his] fucking mouth with some motherfucking soap". Lovino had not been in much of a good mood since those pictures of him in his Halloween costume became extremely popular amongst the students, leading to the creation of Grandmother Lovino, or 'Grandmano'. Grandmano was currently off shooting with Vash Zwingli. Liechtenstein claimed that they were hunting Mary Sues.

But back to the Homestuck characters. By now news of their arrival had spread like wildfire. Merka Breigher was first to properly greet them; she was squealing with happiness as John shook her hand (no one was sure whether it was because she was excited to meet him or because he had a buzzer in his hand). Mochis were dispatched to chivvy the other trolls safely into the Staff Section.

Fortunately for the Homestucks, Morgan LeFine seemed to be the only really insane Homestuck fangirl on campus. Even Jennifer Lalonde was well behaved when Shoste Thermo and her 'Hussieruya Troll-Nation Alliance' arrived at the entrance to the Staff Section to greet them. Morgan had to be physically restrained by murika and Endland, the infamous USUK Mochi duo with the second-highest fangirl-capture record. She had tried to bring a bucket to the meet-and-greet; Shoste told her to "conceal that disgusting reproductive implement".

The crossovers had been scheduled this time around. By noon, the other eleven trolls were present and accounted for. The Scandinavia and the World Nations would arrive in the afternoon, while the trolls were being introduced. And although they were technically not crossing over, several members of the first graduating class of IAHF were returning in the late afternoon with Lucas Arch, Karen DuLay, Kitty Smith, and Loki Shadow Reave.

"Oh jegus, I'm so excited," Lila squealed as she and Peter headed into the Orientation Hall for the visitor introduction assembly. Ursula, Kira, Alexis, Boris, and Milly followed them. R'lyeh was trying to find Stan South somewhere else in the crowd. Alex Maeson had been rescued by Ukrane and was sitting next to Alex Pierce. Perhaps a resurrection of the Alex Inquisiton was in order?

"Great." Peter sighed, but he squeezed her hand. "I'm still confused at your description of Homestuck. Is all of this happening in a game, or…"

"It's a game that changes reality," Lila replied, her eyes sparkling. "It's really very interesting."

"But how does such technology… oh, forget it." Peter chuckled weakly. "Who's your favourite character?"

They took their seats. A couple of rows away, R'lyeh had finally found Stanley South. The gossip king was talking to Michael Arch about something. R'lyeh tried his best to look as if he wasn't listening in, but he wasn't exactly a master of subtlety when it came to social situations.

After all, if he didn't know what a handshake was…

"So, what exactly is going on?" Stanley was asking the Archangel. R'lyeh didn't like the holiness-and-light feeling he got from Michael. It emanated from him like too much perfume from that fat aunt who always gives people bone-crushing hugs and terrible Christmas presents. Not that R'lyeh ever had a fat aunt.

"Going on? Oh, right, you wanted to know what's going on between me and Jen, right?" Michael frowned. "Why do you want to know? We have a right to our privacy, don't we?"

"It's for the shipping board," Stanley replied.

"A gross infraction of privacy if there ever was one."

"Good source of information."

"We are private citizens."

"But you're also staff members."

"There's a line between snooping and the public's right to know."

"We're continuing Kitty and Anita's honourable tradition aren't we? I mean if I didn't update the chart, people couldn't place bets, and it wouldn't help the economy –"

"What sort of economy do we have?" Michael snorted. "Really, why do you want to know?"

"Because Kriss and Merka want to know."

"I could tell them instead of you, you know. I don't really trust you."

"Fair enough." Stan rolled his eyes. "But really, it boils down to a yes or no question: are you dating Jennifer Chang?"

"No."

R'lyeh let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding.

"Would you want to?"

"That is none of your business."

"Well, it's common knowledge that after she broke up with Workbitch, you've been the closest to her."

"I was doing my Angelic duties."

"Which are?"

"Caring for the distraught, the sick, the needy. Providing good in an era of darkness. Spreading the light of –"

"Okay, okay, so you're just doing your duty to her? That's a bit cold; what if she likes you?"

"She…" Michael trailed off. "Really, this is none of your business."

"Come on, Michael…"

"I see her in the same way that my brother saw Susanna Black-White, if you know who they are."

Stan arched an eyebrow. "I see."

At that moment, Mr. Allen and Mr. Hugh arrived on the stage. Behind their usual screen, the Staff sat with their guests. Mr. Hugh tapped the microphone at the podium gingerly, as if scared that it would explode in his hand. Chances are, it could. Mr. Hugh's relationship with technology was as dangerous as Arthur's relationship with cooking.

"Good, uh, afternoon!" he said cheerily. Lila frowned and whispered something about the Course Coordinator looking rather tired. Mr. Hugh smiled widely, as if trying to defuse that appearance. "We are pleased to announce that once again, this year our school will play host to crossover characters! We will be holding a Holiday Banquet with them as well as offering the usual picture requests. Please submit your picture requests before midnight tomorrow. Everyone at the school is fair game."

"Keep those requests PG-13 rated," snapped Mr. Allen. He, on the other hand, looked as crabby as Mr. Hugh looked tired. "Requests involving nudity, sexual content, or overt violence will be disregarded."

"Select pictures will be published in the Bled Chronicles, and all pictures will be distributed to the requestors on Christmas morning."

Mr. Allen coughed. "The Holiday Banquet will be on Saturday the 24th. If you are religious, celebrate your masses in private, please. I believe the Jewish students are holding an ongoing Hanukkah celebration that culminates on the 28th –"

"Cameroon and I are sponsoring a Kawanzaa celebration on January 1st," Alfred pitched in from behind the screens. "Drop by if you want; there'll be lots of presents!"

"Thank you, Alfred. Moving on. Let's give a warm welcome to our crossover guests. From the webcomic Homestuck, we have John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider, Jade Harley, Karkat Vantas, Aradia Megido, Tavros Nitram, Sollux Captor, Nepeta Leijon, Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope, Vriska Serket, Equius Zahhak, Gamzee Makara, Eridan Ampora, and Feferi Peixes!"

Granted, Mr. Hugh had tripped over nearly all of the Trolls' names and nearly called Vriska 'Vriska Secret', but everyone applauded nonetheless as the kids and the trolls emerged from behind the screen. Most of them – especially Dave, Gamzee, Karkat, Eridan, and Tavros – had Mochi bodyguards.

"They will be staying here for the rest of the Winter Holidays and a couple of crossover classes –"

"n0t all 0f us are staying," Aradia Megido interrupted, causing several people (who probably had never heard of Homestuck) to wonder how she was able to pronounce zeros like that.

"Who's staying and who's going, then?" Mr. Allen asked. "I don't think Loki really clarified it."

"We kids shall remain," Rose Lalonde said loftily. "Most of the trolls are returning."

There was a chorus of disappointment amongst the Homestuck-liking students. "NO, GAMZEE, DON'T GO!" Morgan howled. Next to her, Matera Playte groaned and facepalmed. Gamzee Makara looked like a deer – or maybe a goat? – caught in the headlights of an American monster truck.

"Eridan, you need to stay! Wwe lovve you here!" Merka called from her seat. Eridan Ampora, who looked a lot like an amphibious Harry Potter with a scarf, looked like he was trying to pretend that he wasn't flattered. Even R'lyeh thought he failed spectacularly.

"Right, well, for the time being…" Mr. Hugh stifled a yawn. "Welcome to the International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction!"

"It's good to be back!" a completely different voice chirped from the doorway. There stood Scandinavia and the World Denmark, closely tailed by SatW Sweden and SatW Norway. "Break out the booze; the party doesn't start until I walk in and I have just walked in!"

"You're terrible," groaned SatW Sweden as the three made their way down the aisle to the stage. "Considering you just killed Norway's moose –"

"Albin!" sobbed SatW Norway, who was clutching a giant sack of fish like a girl would clutch a package of Ben and Jerry's Breakup Brew post-breakup.

"You've broken him. Congratulations," finished SatW Sweden.

"What's going on?" whispered Peter to Lila. A couple of seats away, Brently Loserdoodle was squealing as if all of her dreams had come true.

"NORWAY, MY CUTIE FISH CAKE! YOU ARE SO ADORABLE, TROLOLOLOLO –" Brently dived out of her seat towards the flabbergasted (and still slightly depressed) Norwegian, only to be intercepted by Norfe. "NOOOOOO! NORWAY, I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER…" the fangirl cried as she was dragged away by a completely different Norway's Mochi.

"Really?" SatW Denmark demanded. "No fangirls for me?"

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT A FANGIRL?" Karkat demanded.

SatW Denmark's eyes went wide. "You guys, that crazy grey demon is talking to me."

A hush fell over the room. Karkat had flushed bright red. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME?" he blustered.

"He didn't call you anything!" SatW Sweden chuckled weakly, putting himself between the troll and SatW Denmark.

"SURE HE DIDN'T. I HEARD IT. HE CALLED ME A CRAZY GREY DEMON!"

"C4LM DOWN K4RK4T," Terezi Pyrope snapped. "W3R3 NOT H3R3 TO M4K3 4 SC3N3."

"ShOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOsH," agreed Gamzee Makara, leaning over and patting Karkat soothingly on the shoulder. "PaP."

"FUCKING HELL, GAMZEE, THIS IS NOT THE TIME –"

"What the hell is going on?" SatW Denmark wondered, tilting his head as Gamzee continued to pat Karkat.

"Shooshpap," Lila snickered. "I love how Gamzee's the one who's doing it to Karkat."

"Denmark, we better get out of here," SatW Sweden advised. "We'll be back later!" he called to Mr. Allen and Mr. Hugh, who waved them away.

"Those were Nations from Scandinavia and the World," Mr. Hugh explained. "The one who enraged Karkat is Denmark, the one with the glasses is Sweden, and the one with the fish is Norway."

No sooner had the three Scandinavians left did a dark-haired man with a monocle peek into the room. "What just happened? Our Sweden was yelling at our Denmark for enraging someone in here," he asked in a British accent.

At that, Arthur Kirkland came running out from behind the partition. "SatW England!" he called, waving frantically. SatW England ran down the aisle; the two Englands hugged. "By Jove, it's good to see you again!"

"I have missed you tremendously, old chap!" laughed SatW England. "Have you put the binoculars I gave you to good use?"

A shadow passed over Arthur's face. "Someone took them. I don't know where they've gone."

Peter sent a quizzical look at Lila, who shrugged. Allison Frazier leaned over from the chair behind Peter and whispered, "I heard rumours that Peter Kirkland stole a set of binoculars that belonged to Arthur."

"Actually, I heard from Cristiana Moretti that Lovino had them," Nick Jenkins pitched in from next to Allison.

"Who knows? Arthur was really pissed when they went missing."

Mr. Allen coughed. "This is England from Scandinavia and the World," he introduced.

"How do you do," SatW England offered. Arthur chuckled and helped his fellow Englishman onto the stage. They walked off to the screened-off portion of the stage once more.

"I heard rumours that they were together for some time!" Stan whispered to Michael, grinning. Michael wrinkled his nose. R'lyeh wasn't sure what to make of the strange school with its strange guests.

"Were they ever?" the Archangel asked stiffly.

Stan shrugged. "They seem to be good friends."

Michael nodded.

Mr. Hugh seemed about to say something else when the doors to the Orientation Hall banged open again and in ran a buff, tanned man with bleached hair and the American flag on his shirt.

"Oh, what is it now, SatW America?" Mr. Allen demanded.

"PIRATES! NINJAS!"

"You sure they're not Somalia and Saudi Arabia from your world?" Mr. Hugh groaned.

"No, they're definitely yours!" And with that, SatW America ducked as the infamous Bled Pinjas swooped into the room and dropped a… thing. It looked vaguely like a bomb.

And then the thing exploded, dying everything a horrid shade of Bled.


"What the fuck was that, Pirate me?" Arthur Kirkland demanded as he distributed mashed turnips around the room an hour later. The students were in their seats still, cringing at the terrible not-purple.

"Karen DuLay's new invention, the Bled Bomb," Ninja Kiku cut in before Pirate Arthur could respond. The two were sniggering, even though they too were covered in Bled paint. "She had some extras."

"So she's gone from cookie missiles to Bled paint bombs?" Arthur groaned. "That girl never stops, does she? Next thing you know she'll create a Vambiolaria nuke –"

"I was under the impression that that weapon has already been achieved by Mary Sues," Kiku remarked.

"Well, fuck."

"Precisely."

SatW England was frantically rubbing his monocle. "Cor, I'd forgotten how horrid this colour was," he groused.

Out in the students, R'lyeh was feeling pretty confident that this was the foulest colour he had ever seen, and he had seen many, many foul colours before.

Bled was apparently some impossible mixture of red and blue that didn't quite form purple. It was just as mind-boggling as the architecture of his city, and he realised with horror that even hiseyes hurt looking at the colour. But there was a small consolation in that he at least could withstand it longer than others. Nyan McNyan, the Nyan Cat student, was quivering behind Splendorguy, who seemed to be the only student (besides Annejo Ikm) immune to the colour.

"What sort of splendorfully awful colour is this?" the Slenderman student drawled, crossing his extremely slender arms and legs and observing the mayhem through a nondescript lack of face. "It's simply not splendorfull at all!"

"I'll agree with you on that," sobbed Flannery May the Kyoukai Youkai. Customs had to call in Kiku to decipher the hiragana and kanji on her form, and Kiku had suggested turning her into an Oni instead. Poor Flannery was therefore forced to look like a Homestuck troll dipped into a vat of red paint. After all, calling oneself a gap demon in a different language than the folks at Customs was just asking for trouble.

"It was on our forms," Ariana Vargas Carriedo pointed out. "Only, over here it's so much brighter…"

"Heheh, the Karkat character's writhing in agony," Chad Gluesbane snickered. R'lyeh rather liked his armour, even if it wasn't as invincible as it looked.

"Don't be such a grump," Sara Juarez chided as the Mochis passed out trays of mashed turnips.

Slowly yet steadily the students got rid of the Bled, most of them trying to do so with their eyes closed. After that, the assembly was effectively over.


A de-Bled-ed R'lyeh sat in the Café Foscarini after dinner (the customary food fight, usually involving pairings featuring the Nation whose cuisine was being sampled, had been Denmark/Norway versus Denmark/Netherlands in honour of the visiting Scandinavia and the World Nations). The hour right after dinner was happy hour for the Bar Foscarini (happy hour for the café was between the end of classes and the start of dinner; drinks at happy hour could be purchased for a single truffle or cigarette as opposed to boxes and packs normally), so R'lyeh was indulging in some high-quality Bleeprum. Andy had gotten very efficient at making drinks with Bleeprin, the wonder-drug of the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy. Bleeprin was brain bleach – bleach and aspirin mixed in a way that was somehow edible. Andy sometimes even rolled his own Bleepettes, with or without tobacco. Some of the more unfortunate students were addicted, wanting to get rid of the mental scars that were an everyday occurrence at IAHF.

"I would like another shot of this," the Lovecraftian City muttered after a moment as he stared at his empty shotglass. "Human, make it. Quickly."

Andy refilled his glass. "You seem to be more amiable than yesterday," he noted.

"Too tipsy to take over the world, please hold." R'lyeh downed the shot. "Do you sell drinks without this... uh, Bleep whatever?"

"Normal rum, normal whiskey… whatever the plothole chucks at me." Andy shrugged. "Tea, coffee –"

"Darjeeling, make it quick." R'lyeh chucked a truffle at him. Andy caught it expertly and nodded.

"You sure you want to add caffeine after all of that alcohol and Bleeprin?" he asked.

"Human, you will do as I say –"

"Hey. The name's Andy. I can deny you service, you know."

"And I'm going to take over the school anyway, so you might as well follow orders."

Andy snorted. "You think that's going to happen?" he asked as he fixed up a cup of loose-leaf Darjeeling.

"Not sure where to start, really," R'lyeh shrugged. "How does one go about taking over such an odd school?"

"Dunno; never tried it myself." Andy smiled as Sara Parker entered the café and sent the cup of Darjeeling down to R'lyeh. "Sara! Is it the usual for you?"

"Sonic Screwdriver. Make it strong, baby." Sara smirked. Andy nodded and went about making the drink (Bleepka with orange juice). "Jen needs to lighten up. Have you noticed that lately? She's more depressing than me at my own funeral."

"You look pretty alive to me," Andy drawled. Sara laughed.

"Well, I guess. But that girl's got a longer face than a horse! I think she needs to get some meds for her depression. She wouldn't hear any of that."

"You sure it's depression?"

"They broke up at Thanksgiving." Sara sipped her Sonic Screwdriver. "Did you see her on her own birthday? Even Lady Gaga wouldn't have been able to read her poker face. I swear –"

"Who are you talking about?" R'lyeh asked. Sara looked over at him and smirked.

"Colleague of mine; none of your business."

"Oh. I see." R'lyeh sipped his tea pensively, the steam fogging up his hipster-frame glasses. Curse this frail human body of his! Evil should not be farsighted!

The Nerd Group was convening at the tables behind the bar. Some boy named George Rowland was introducing himself. R'lyeh tried to tune them out and to listen to Sara's babble. With all of this practice, he'd better become an expert eavesdropper soon.

"Merka was asking her if she was going to dive back into the gene pool, if you know what I mean? Going fishing?" Sara was saying. "Thought she had her sights on Michael. He doesn't know a thing, though."

"Are you sure? They're good friends and all. Sometimes friends just stay that way…" Andy's dishcloth had paused in the middle of the glass.

"Well, we've started up the old tradition of betting pools. Got any candidates?"

"I wouldn't know." Andy laughed weakly. "Workbitch, Michael… who else? I hope it stays that way."

R'lyeh finished his tea and left the café.


Notes: Requests for Christmas pictures are now open! They will close next chapter.