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[BITTERSWEET CATASTROPHE]

chapter twenty-nine

back-burner

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You'd think that after all that's gone down between Yamato and I, I'd stop wanting to see him. I always think of this thought, trying to silently rationalise with myself...despite knowing that what I'm doing doesn't making sense, yet I find myself here at the rehab. Still visiting. Still checking up on him. Still seeing him.

We're not a couple. I don't expect us to be. Could I be a friend? Maybe. Perhaps a support person? That, yes (since I'm already doing it). I know that, even if I wanted to, I can't find it within myself to turn my back on this; on him. I'd either visit him prior or after my work shift, or see him after my classes. I'm here on a regular basis, with the minimum being once a week. I've noticed that whenever I go less frequently, Yamato's mood becomes more edgy. It's like he's become attached to my visits.

He's like a parasite. He quietly fights my sense of reasoning, latching onto me and not letting go. And, I know, that I can't let go of him. Not yet. Not now. Not when there's a chance, a vague hint, that we can get him back onto his feet. I've never been the type to give up on somebody, and seeing that I have the most time compared to everybody else, I've made it my purpose to go on behalf of everybody too.

And yes, that's bullshit. I want to actually to be here for him. I really do.

"No class today, Sora?" Maya asks me. She's one of the guards at the rehab. A familiar face I'm used to seeing. Whenever Yamato has been preoccupied with therapeutic sessions, visits by other friends, his family or booked in with his doctor, Maya would keep me company.

I smile. "No. The lecturer was sick, so class was cancelled. However, I did spend most of my day working on the portfolio. The deadline is next week."

"That's why you look exhausted," Maya comments, most likely judging my dark eye bags that have been more apparent over the past fortnight.

"Possibly," I admit. "It doesn't help that I'm a bit of a perfectionist whenever it comes to certain details."

"Which indicates that you'll do well. Attention to detail is a necessity with the career you're pursuing."

"I wouldn't really call it a career. More of a hobby. I'll see where it goes…"

While I had been working at the cafe section of Hikari's childcare centre, I had been approached by one of the mothers. She had found out, from Hikari, that I had helped design the interior of the childcare and had been quite impressed. The woman hailed from an architectural background, and suggested I looked into interior. To be honest, I never thought of interior decorating as an option. It had never dawned to me how passionate I was about something without realising it. I had spruced up my apartment, I had fixed up the jewellery shop before the ownership change. Even in Spain, I had assisted refurbishing the wedding dress boutique to provide more space for my boss.

So far, the short course was turning out to be a blessing in disguise. It kept me positive. Happy. Focused. Stressed, sure...but it had also been calming for me, researching, designing and being around like-minded people who were just as passionate about design as I - unknowingly - have been.

I had mentioned it to Yamato, and Yamato had been one of the few people who encouraged me to keep going. There have been times when I had been tempted to drop the course, yet Yamato had talked me out of it. My parents scolded me, telling me I was going through a phase and should get a 'real' job. Whilst some of my friends were a bit taken aback by the fact that I had decided to become a student again - which isn't surprising since I'm thirty. (Yamato keeps telling me off saying that age shouldn't stop me from pursuing this career, but I can't help but think I'm being foolish at the same time).

As I'm about to ask Maya what her plans are for the weekend, the door is thrust open.

Takeru's stalking out. His face is pink, eyes stormy as he walks passed us. Anybody can tell how infuriated he is. What bothers me is that this isn't a Takeru trait. Takeru barely shows sign of anger. I'm not sure whether I should call out for him or not.

Somebody beats me to it. "TAKERU!"

His mother runs after him. Her eyes are wide, almost scared as she chases him. Heels clunking on the tiled floor, she manages to reach Takeru's side. Tugging at his sleeve, she pleads, "Please, Takeru. Listen to me."

Takeru shakes her off, voice hard. "No."

"But-"

"How long have you kept this from me?" Takeru whispers. If triggered any more, I know how easily his voice could escalate to a yell, by how hard he is restraining himself. "All this time...I, I blamed dad for everything. And you, you…"

"Takeru, I-"

He cuts her off, "I can't speak to you right now."

I'm trying not to pay attention to their quarrel, but it's hard when it's happening right in front of me and I have nowhere else to turn. It's only now that Takeru's gaze lands on mine. He gives a slight nod in acknowledgement before leaving his mother standing in the corridor, one hand leaning on the wall for support. She swivels around to glare behind us.

She's staring at Yamato.

Yamato's looking back at her from the doorway, frown etched onto his lips. His eyes are tired as he runs his fingers through his dirty, ash blond hair. He doesn't say anything, waiting for his mother to say something first.

She does.

"How could you tell him that?" Her voice breaks.

Yamato shrugs. Although we're all adults here, Yamato looks like a teenager with how he's acting towards his mother. There's rebellion blazing in his eyes, and it's then that I note how much fury he holds towards his mother. I had thought it was a petty thing, that they merely didn't get along...but now I see otherwise. There's something else beneath the surface that has got Yamato acting this way.

"He was bound to find out eventually."

"I didn't want you to tell him."

Yamato laughs bitterly. "He's an adult. He can take it. You can't hide everything from him anymore, mother."

She repeats, thin eyebrows furrowed, "I didn't want you to tell your brother. Why do you always have to make things so difficult for us?"

"I didn't ask you to be here," Yamato responds.

Even for me, that reply is harsh and too blunt for my liking. Yamato's mother looks like she's about to cry. She leaves, disappearing out the exit from where Takeru's left.

With Takeru being all enraged, I have never seen Yamato's confident, stern mother being shaken up like this. No matter how pissed off I am at my own mother, I don't think I could ever address my mother like that. Then again, Yamato's relationship with his mother has been more complicated than the relationship I have with my own mother.

"That was mean," I say.

Yamato's jaw is tight as he gazes at me. "Really? Was I? I thought I was being lenient."

Although he's tense, his shoulders droop down, knowing that his mother has left the vicinity. He lets out a sigh, pacing his breathing. He tends to do that more often, a technique he's learned to do to control his bubbling anger, the side effects from coming clean. "Sorry. Family session. My doc and Takeru thought it would be beneficial…"

"Was it?"

"I really don't know." He mutters. "It just annoys me that she's trying to be a part of my life, yet she keeps lying through her teeth."

"At least she's trying."

"Well, I think it's a bit too late for that."

I don't argue back because I know we'll end up going in circles. He's too rigid whenever it relates to his mother, and I don't want his anger to project onto me. I want him to relax, to try and not get too worked up. There's no point of me being here when Yamato gets in one of his aggravating moods.

Maya closes the door behind me as I take a seat by the table. Yamato's still tense. His back is leaning against the wall, refusing to take a seat across me. He's peeved. I get it. However, it still stings even though his anger is directed at his mother, and not towards me.

I give it some time, but when he chooses not to speak for another minute, I uncross my legs. About to push myself up from the chair, he finally says, "Where are you going?"

"Thought you didn't want me here," I reply. "Considering that you're choosing not to talk to me."

"Is that how you see it?" He says. "I thought you're here because you pity me."

Yes. He's in one of his irritable moods - one of the moods I really antagonise. "Fine. I'll leave."

I turn my back to him, heading towards the door until his hand goes onto my shoulder. It's the first time he's touched me ever since he had broken down in the hotel bathroom three months ago. A night that I hated to relive. Ever since, he had been hesitant to reach out to me. We talk. That's what we do. But never has he touched me again. It's almost like he's scared too.

"Sora." His voice is gentle, regret tinged in his tone. "I'm sorry."

Spinning on my heels, I look back at him. He's so close. His eyes are clearer today, not as muddled and murky with confusion. I lean back, asking, "Sorry about what? Talking back to me just now?"

He shakes his head, attention on his sneakers instead of my face. "Everything Sora. I...I mean it."

"You're bringing this up now?" I breathe out.

He replies, quietly, "We never talked about it."

We've been ignoring this topic, too scared, too cowardly to revisit how things had gotten awkward between us. My thoughts of leaving become disrupted as I take his hand off my shoulder, allowing my hand to slide into his. He looks up, shocked, as I lead him back to the table, pushing his shoulders down to take a seat.

I sit back onto the chair I had been on, arms folded as I survey him who is gazing at me in speculation. We're both trying to read each other, and since he's brought it up...I'm not going to let him get away from this topic either. It's been the pink elephant in the room whenever we've been together. We'd talk about everything, but not what had happened. We had pretended like nothing happened, or how he was improving, how he could get better…

But not about us - and that time has now come.

"It's not entirely your fault. We were both furious at each other, Yamato." I massage my scalp. "I mean, I didn't expect you to tell Taichi that you forced yourself onto me...when you didn't really."

"How would I know what I did? I was high, Sora. I shot up before you came to my apartment. I wasn't in the right state of mind. I don't remember...I woke up, I...I just assumed I hurt you, alright?" He buries his fingers through his hair. "And then I saw you in my sheets. I saw the scratches and bruises on you. Christ. I was scared I went too far. I knew I went too far. I couldn't look at you. I was a coward."

"Why didn't you stay?" I choke out. "You could have told me."

"If I had stayed, would you have even wanted to be with me? After what I had done? I thought it was best if I leave before you reject me...then I started drinking. I was a mess. I really thought I had taken advantage of you, that I needed to tell Taichi. I couldn't keep in the guilt."

"You could have spoken to me first."

"And do what?" Yamato hisses. "Hurt you more?"

"I think what got to me the most was when you didn't talk to me," I say, sharply.

"Oh," he murmurs, not knowing how to take in what I had spoken. "I really wasn't in the right state of mind, Sora. Whatever I did...I...I just fucked up, alright? I don't expect you to forgive me. Not after all the shit I did."

"But, tell me," I start. I had wanted to get this out of my chest for a while, to get an answer. "Tell me...was it because of me? You didn't shoot up because of me screwing you over by kissing Sebastian or anything-"

"Not completely," Yamato responds. "It was because of many things. Me hurting you just made it worse, and seeing you with your ex didn't work well with me either."

"That was my fault."

"No. I still think about my ex too, you know? You can never forget about people who played a big role in your life. I'd be lying if I said that it's easy to not think about an old love interest."

"What I did was still wrong."

"The same could be said for me then." Yamato sinks into his chair, looking up at the ceiling. "Because then I would not let her get the best of me."

Kaori...

"You can't let go of her," I conclude, peeking at him through my eyelashes. "You loved her, didn't you?"

"She's gone," he heaves out.

"I know."

Yamato meets my gaze, deciphering my reply. Frown prominent on his lips, he surveys me and snorts. "Did Jun tell you? Or Tai?"

"I kind of figured it out before anybody confirmed it." I mutter, "You were high, remember? I only connected the pieces, filled in the gaps that you weren't telling me. I hate you for it, you know?"

"For carrying a flame for a dead girl?" Yamato says, darkly. Something dangerous flashes in his eyes, and I know if I say the wrong thing, he'll get ticked off.

"No," I speak up, "I hate you for hiding things. All this time, you've always held something back. And, in the end, it resulted with all these secrets eating you up. I feel like I could have prevented it too, if I had listened more to you. If I had let you open up to me...if somebody was there for you to hear you out, perhaps then you wouldn't have had a meltdown."

"I don't get why you have to blame yourself for it," Yamato mumbles. "Think about it, Sora, people surround me. Anybody would have been happy to listen to me, but I had closed them off. I pretended that nothing was wrong. I brought this upon myself."

Because of his stubborn nature, I don't know what else to say to convince him otherwise. I express my thoughts aloud, "Maybe if I had met you earlier, would it have been different between us?"

Yamato rolls his eyes. "You'd hate me. I'm a bit of a dickhead."

I laugh. "I don't know about that. My perception skills were bad when I was younger. I could never stay focused. I was quite airy-fairy, wanting to drift from one place to the another."

"Which is attractive," he compliments. "You're not like everybody else. People tend to not stray from their comfort zone, yet you went out of Japan, travelled, tried new things. Even now, you're making it a mission to study again."

"But it scares me. This might be my final course to study. It's been something that's been on the back-burner for a while, something that I didn't realise I loved," I say. "This stability, being this grounded...it's kind of freaking me out. I'm not used to being, to staying in one place at a time. I'm surprised I haven't even gone overseas yet...I, being stuck in one place too long, it feels like I've lost myself."

"Maybe you've always belonged in Japan, with your family and friends, and never wanted to admit it."

Yamato makes sense. He tends to do this with me. Whenever I'm with him, it's like I'm in a confession booth, spitting out my deep, dark secrets that I had kept hidden within myself, easily exposing them to him without realising it. He has a way with words, his own special technique that makes me bring out myself. And, I've noticed, that only he has this type of effect on me. It's infuriating.

I blink when I see his hand hold mine over the table. The warmth of his skin against my fingers somehow projects onto my cheeks, as our knees bump and his thumb strokes my hand. The fear must be apparent in my face when he glimpses the trace of surprise in my eyes.

"Are you still scared of us?"

Us?

I haven't ever really considered the thought of Yamato and I being together again. I mean, it hadn't been like we had been together long anyway. I...he brings out something in me I don't like. He diminishes my self-control, my sense of independence. Yet, he knows me so well for somebody I had only really met almost a year ago.

Taking my hand away from his, I whisper, "Is there still an us?"

His lips curve downwards, and I know I've fucked this up even more. Of course he might have gotten the impression that I had wanted us to be together. I had been visiting him frequently, but that didn't mean that I'm ready to jump into a relationship with him again. Then again, I've been being stupid because, now that I think about it, I've been leading him on as well.

"Sorry," I say, numbly.

Yamato's piercing blue eyes makes my pulse increase. I look away when he softly says, "It's fine."

We both know it isn't.

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(a/n) A short chapter, but this scene needed to be on its own I guess. There's still so much story. I couldn't write Sora x Yamato getting together and living happily ever after (as of yet. haha). I think it's more realistic this way. Yamato's still healing and Sora's trying to figure out what she really wants to do. Sorry for the long wait. Life has been busy. Hope you all have been well ;)

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Soratotime: Thanks for dropping by and leaving some feedback! It's nice knowing that people follow my story (even if it's anonymously). I'm surprised you've read since LimitZ ... that's such an old memory. Haha. I don't even remember the plot of it anymore, only just how corny it is. Haha. It is quite a dark story. I hadn't intended for it to, but it happened xD (which makes it harder to write).

Guest: Of course I'd acknowledge your review. It's always great to old readers check out this site. :) I'm shocked I found myself writing here again, tbh. Haha.

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(will reply to the rest of the reviews tomorrow xox)