Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, or "All these Things that I've Done" by The Killers.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Friday, May 26th, 1967
Yeah, you know you got to help me out,
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner.
Steve wasn't sure his hands had stopped shaking since sitting on the porch with Soda Wednesday night. The constant tremor that ran through them was distracting and stupid, and he was just glad no one else seemed to have noticed. And with how hard Anna had been gripping his hand lately, that was surprising.
Sighing, he ran his palms over the denim of his jeans. His first class would begin in a few minutes, and he had yet to climb out of his car. Rain pelted on the roof, and he was tempted to start the damn thing back up and just ditch the whole day. Only that wouldn't be any fun on his own, and both Two-Bit and Anna were in already in the building.
Not that he really felt like being around either of them. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Two-Bit hadn't said a word about the letter and Steve didn't expect him to, but it was sitting silently between them and it made things hard. It was constantly on both their minds, but neither of them were willing to talk to the other about it.
And Anna. Well he always wanted to be around Anna, he just wasn't sure it was such a good idea. Maybe that's why he'd told her he was staying at Soda's the night before, why he'd said he wouldn't be able to give her a ride to school, and why he planned on ditching her at lunch. It wasn't a cool thing to do - in fact he knew it was outright mean - but until he decided what to do about her, staying away was all he could do.
Surprisingly enough, he had had slept perfectly the night he got the letter. It seemed unlikely he would get any sleep, but after the stress of the night, and his somewhat insatiable girlfriend, he had been exhausted. He fell asleep with her next to him, and didn't wake until his alarm went off five hours later.
But the new day brought way too many problems with it. He thought it couldn't get any worse than getting his draft letter, but then he realised just how much he had to do. He had to tell his dad - who probably wouldn't care one way or the other; he had to tell Millie - who he was pretty sure might even cry; and, in a month, he had to say goodbye. To everyone.
At that realisation, he had barely slept the night before, spending most of his time wishing he hadn't lied to Anna and that she was with him. Instead he had spent the night alone in his own bed, dreading everything to come.
Because then there was everything that would happen after saying goodbye. He didn't even want to think about that stuff. Hell, he wasn't sure he could think about that stuff. With the glimpses of Vietnam he occasionally saw on the news, he didn't think his imagination would stretch far enough to be able to think about it. It would be bad, though; that he knew for sure.
The sick feeling that had become familiar over the last day and a half hurried back as he once again realised he might actually have to kill someone. At that, he decided heading toward class wasn't such a bad idea, and that the fresh air would do him some good. Climbing out of his car, he made his way toward the school.
The one thing he could think about - couldn't stop thinking about - was Anna. Despite her own claims, she was smart and she'd figure out by the end of the day that he was avoiding her. And she'd be pissed. She wanted to make the most of the next month, but he didn't really see the point, because surely they couldn't be together now. He was leaving. She'd given him a second chance, and he'd promised her forever, but there was no guarantee to that promise.
He didn't know how long forever was going to be. For all either of them knew, it could end in a month when he had to get on that bus.
Sneaking in only a few minutes late to his science class, Steve sat and continued to think about Anna. His mind was full of contradictions where she was concerned. He figured that if he was any kind of decent boyfriend, he'd do the unselfish thing and let her go. The last fourteen months had been bad for her - her grandpa had died; her mom had taken off again; he'd been a lousy, piece of shit, cheating boyfriend; her brother had been shot, nearly dying; and her dad had left town.
That was one hell of a list when he thought it all through, and she deserved to not spend the next year worrying about him - deserved to be free to move on if she wanted to. But he knew that, in a way, that in itself was selfish and would do nothing but ease his guilt. Anna didn't want to be free to do anything but wait for him. She hadn't said it, but he knew it. Breaking up with her now would just hurt her and that was selfish.
Or maybe he was just a selfish jerk. He couldn't stand to go through the next month without her, and he hated the idea of her moving on. Letting her go might be the right thing to do, but just the idea of it felt so damn wrong. Nevertheless, he wasn't sure he could let her sit around and wait for him. That was just bullshit, especially when he might not even come back.
He pushed that thought away, not wanting to deal with it.
Still undecided, but knowing deep down he couldn't let her go, he began taking notes. He couldn't let her go, but distancing himself might make saying goodbye - for however long - that bit easer. For both of them.
XXXXX
Sliding into her seat next to Steve, Anna watched him avoid her gaze. She frowned. He'd been quiet yesterday morning on the way to school, he'd barely spoken to her at lunch yesterday, and he'd decided to spend last night at Soda's instead of with her. She could understand all that - she'd hardly spoken herself yesterday, and she wasn't the kind of girlfriend who insisted her boyfriend spend all his time with her. Especially not when she knew how close he and Soda were.
But when she found out he hadn't spent the night at Soda's at all, when he'd said he was unable to pick her up for school but had only arrived a few minutes after her, and when he had pretended not to see her in the halls between first and second period … well, she became a bit less understanding.
Now that he wouldn't even look at her, she became worried. Opening her history notes - though not sure why she was bothering when they were to graduate next week - she turned to Steve.
"Is everything okay?" she asked quietly.
He gave her a half-glance. "Yeah."
"How was your night?"
"It was fine … just hung out with Soda."
Anna's stomach dropped at the fact that he was lying to her. Two-Bit, who had stayed at Soda's last night, had asked her that morning why she wasn't arriving with Steve. He'd seemed to be under the impression that Steve had stayed with Anna.
Leaning back in her seat, she fiddled with her necklace. "Right."
This was strange and completely unlike Steve. She couldn't remember the last time he'd been this indifferent to her, and after the way he'd acted the night he got his letter, it was shocking.
It hurt just thinking about that night. Even after Steve had dropped her at home nothing had been good. Telling Danny what had happened - not managing more than a 'he got drafted' that came out full of broken sobs - was tough. Saying it aloud was a shitty feeling. And after that she'd just been pathetic; crying all over Danny, not eating any of the dinner he'd cooked, sulking in her bedroom when Mary Louise turned up. The scalding hot shower she took did nothing to make her feel any better, and neither did the baking she attempted, or Danny's efforts at conversation.
It wasn't until Steve finally turned back up that she was able to somewhat relax again. Without any glares or snide comments from Danny, Anna had left home a little after midnight to spend the night with her boyfriend.
She blushed at the memory of how she'd acted. When they'd been together in the back of his car, it had been intense and frantic and needy, but when they'd arrived at his house, she'd seemed to lose all self-control. Touching him, kissing him, breathing in his scent - it was never enough. She'd been exhausted by the time they'd finished, but it had still been hours before sleep had come.
The same thing had happened the night before only without the sex with Steve. She'd spent the night in her own bed, incredibly lonely, and unable to sleep. She'd finally fallen asleep sometime close to 3am, but even then she had continued to toss and turn.
She hated to think of what tonight would bring with Steve apparently doing his best to not be around her. Even more, she hated to think of Steve having the same problem. He wasn't much for talking or sharing his feelings, and the idea of him dealing with this alone killed her.
Looking down at her history notes, she pretended to read through them. All should could think about was Steve; he was leaving in a month, he was ignoring her, he was lying to her. Instead of spending their shared class trying to make her blush like he normally did, he had almost turned his back to her. She pushed tears back, knowing it wouldn't do any good.
Finally, after what felt like hours of silence between them, the bell rang. She picked up her books, before walking out the classroom with Steve. There, in the middle of the hallway, he paused and finally looked at her.
"I uh - I said I'd meet Two-Bit for lunch."
"Okay."
He nodded. "So I'll just meet you at my car after school? I'll give ya a ride home."
Oh. So that hadn't been an invitation to have lunch with both he and Two-Bit. Feeling like an idiot, she nodded. "Sure. See you after school."
He took off without another word.
XXXXX
Hands clenching the edge of the sink, Anna stared at her reflection; she was a goddamn mess. Eyes red and puffy, cheeks pale, and dark hair hanging lifeless around her face. Sifting through Kathy's purse, she pulled out everything she could find. Steve had promised her a ride home from school, and she was supposed to meet him in a few minutes. The last thing she needed was to look like she did.
Problem was, she was as much a mess inside as she was outside. Leaning forward, she tried to steady the shaking of her hands as she reapplied some eyeliner. If she could at least make herself look okay, then she could fake being okay. She'd done it for years, and even though Steve generally saw right through her, she was sure she could do it again. Maybe.
It was unlikely, but she'd try anyway.
"I've been sleeping with Two-Bit," Kathy said, from where she was perched on the counter, back against the mirror.
Anna paused, eyeliner pencil halfway to her face. "What?"
"I've been sleeping with Two-Bit."
"Um …" Realising how stupid she must look with one eye made up, Anna hurriedly fixed up the other before looking back at Kathy. "Since when?"
"The night I first went out with Dave," Kathy said, picking up her nail file. "I just … it was the first time he'd acted like he cared since before that day at Steve's, and I couldn't help myself. I missed him so much, and I went to see him that night, and …"
"And you slept together. Wow." She realised this must have been what Kathy had seemed so distant lately. The easiest way to keep a secret from your best friend was to not see them.
"Yeah."
"Does this mean you're getting back together?"
"No. Getting back together would just be … well, a huge mistake."
That was a good point. Despite wanting to see Kathy and Two-Bit together and happy, Anna wasn't sure it would happen anytime soon - if ever. She had a feeling that after the fight they'd had at Steve's, it would take a lot for either of them to be willing to get back together.
And maybe Steve being drafted was it.
"Did you see him the other night?" she asked. "After he took off from Soda's?"
"Yeah. He turned up late that night, completely wasted. For once I couldn't find it in myself to be even a little bit annoyed."
Anna said nothing. There wasn't anything she could say about what had happened, and she was just grateful to Soda for having called Kathy. Not only had Two-Bit obviously needed her, but the idea of telling Kathy what had happened made her feel sick. It had been hard enough telling Danny.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" she asked, digging around for some lip-gloss. "I mean, with the whole pregnancy scare, is this … casual-sex thing a smart move?"
Kathy stopped filing her nails for a moment. "Probably not," she admitted. "But it's a whole lot easier than being with him. And a whole lot easier than not being with him."
Sighing, Anna dropped the lip-gloss back into Kathy's purse. "Sounds complicated."
"Isn't it always?"
"I s'pose you've got a point there."
After pulling out a dark blue ribbon, Anna tied her hair up and was ready to go. Kathy slipped off the counter, and they made their way into the almost empty hallway. Glancing through the books in her arms, Anna paused.
"You go ahead. I need a different book from my locker."
"You sure?" Kathy asked. "I don't mind waiting."
"It's fine. Steve'll be waiting for me outside anyway."
Nodding, Kathy took a few steps in the direction of the door. "Okay. Call me if you need anything."
Anna smiled her thanks before hurrying toward her locker. In one way, she couldn't believe Kathy and Two-Bit were sleeping together, but a part of her wasn't even surprised; they couldn't seem to stay away from each other. An even bigger part of her was just glad to have something distracting to think about. Not that it did a very good job.
History book dumped in her locker and English book pulled out, she turned and headed toward the doors. For once, thinking about Two-Bit and Kathy and their chaotic relationship was a relief, but it didn't last long. No matter the distraction, her mind constantly went back to Steve and that letter. She wished so much that it hadn't ever come.
She opened the large doors to the back parking lot, eyes searching for Steve's car. The parking lot was emptying fast due to the rain, and she paused for a moment. It wasn't until her gaze met the exit that she saw Steve's car leaving. She frowned; she wasn't even late. And, hell, even if she was late it wasn't like Steve to just leave her. Although, after the way he'd been acting and his lie about staying at Soda's, maybe she should've expected this. She sighed; it was just a shitty end to the last two days.
Kathy's car was no where to be seen, Two-Bit's car wasn't working so he was probably with Steve, and the people who were still around weren't people she knew well enough to ask for a ride home. She glanced at the bus just as it pulled away from the curb.
"Well shit," she muttered. She sat herself down on the top step, the only place she could sit without getting wet.
She had no way home. Steve had stranded her at school and she couldn't even begin to understand why. If he thought she had left with Kathy then it might make sense, but Kathy's car was already gone when Anna came out from the school. Steve would have seen her leave and known Anna wasn't with her. She didn't want to be pissed at him, not with everything that was going on, but this was just bullshit.
She looked up when Henry came to stand next to her.
"Whaddya doin' here alone?" he asked.
"I dunno. I mean, Steve said he'd give me a ride home, but he just … left."
"Without you?"
"Yeah."
Henry scratched the back of his neck, and she knew he was trying to be nice. "Uh, you guys have a fight or somethin'?"
"Not that I know of …" Except maybe they had and she really just didn't know it. Steve had ditched her at lunch, he had lied about where he slept the night before so he wouldn't have to be with her, and now he'd just left her.
She should be angry. Furious, even. But with the arrival of Steve's letter and the idea of him leaving in a month, all she could manage was to be upset. She fought back tears as best she could, but her lips still trembled.
"Oh, hey.' Henry sat next to her. He started to put his arm around her, but seemed to think better of it and patted her shoulder instead. "I'm sure it'll be okay."
Wiping away the few tears that escaped before Henry could see them, she shook her head. "He's leaving soon. He shouldn't be treatin' me like this, but he's been avoiding me all day."
"Leavin'? Where's he goin'?"
Anna glanced at him and spoke quietly. "Vietnam. He got drafted the other day."
"Shit."
There wasn't much more to say than that. Sitting on the top step, they were silent for a while and Anna was glad for the company. She would have preferred Kathy or Two-Bit, or hey, even Steve, but Henry was good enough. He'd been good to her when they'd been together, and their slowly growing friendship had been going well. After Kathy, Two-Bit, and Steve, there probably wasn't anyone else in the school she'd feel comfortable spilling her guts to.
"Listen," he said. "I ain't Randle's biggest fan, you know that, but maybe he's doin' this because he's goin' away."
"What do you mean?"
"Terry tried to do the same to Linda about a week before he left. Seemed to think it'd be easier on her to break up now."
"What? As opposed to when he got back?"
"As opposed to if he didn't come back."
Feeling sick, Anna nodded. After the way Steve had touched her the night he got his letter, she thought what Henry was saying had to be the only explanation. If it was, then Steve was a damn idiot.
"You want a ride?" Henry asked. "I can drop you off at Randle's."
She nodded. "Thanks."
XXXXX
Steve wasn't surprised to see Anna turn up, but he was surprised to see Henry Phillips dropping her off. Opening the car door to climb out, she paused for a moment, listening to whatever Phillips was saying. Sitting on the top porch step, just out of the rain, Steve's fingers clenched. He couldn't fucking stand that guy.
Anna slammed the car door closed and made her way up to him. Looking at the ground, he was glad his old man wasn't home; he wasn't sure this conversation with Anna would go well, and he didn't need an audience for it.
"Where were you?" Anna asked, standing right in front of him.
He looked up, not missing how tired and hurt she looked. Having her standing in the rain just made it even worse. He almost gave in, but then Phillips' car roared down the street.
"You couldn't get a ride home with anyone else?"
"Well, there was this one guy who promised to give me a ride, but for some reason he decided to take off without me."
Feeling like an asshole for the tenth time that day, he sighed, but said nothing.
"Where were you," she asked again.
"I guess I've been avoiding you." And with that, his decision was made.
"Yeah, I picked up on that. What I can't figure out is why."
"I've been thinkin' about us all day. About how maybe we should break up."
She was silent, staring at him with a small frown on her face. "And what did you decide?" she finally asked.
Steve just shrugged. "That maybe we should face facts. That you shouldn't have to spend the next year worrying about me. That I'm a selfish bastard."
"And an idiot."
He looked at her. "And an idiot," he agreed.
Still standing in the rain, looking like a beautiful mess with her hair coming out of the ribbon and hanging around her face, she stared him down.
"Well are you going to do it? Do you actually want to break up with me? Or is this some stupid thing where you try and tell me you don't want to hold me back, and that I should move on with my life? Just in case."
"Maybe you should."
He wasn't trying to be noble or any shit like that. He was facing facts. And the fact was that there was no guarantee of anything. It scared the shit out of him, and if it scared him senseless, then he couldn't imagine how it would be for Anna if it actually happened. He'd made his decision to be honest and see what she said. He didn't want to break up with her, but he had to at least give her the chance to walk away.
She shook her head, eyes flashing. "Don't pull that shit with me, Steve Randle. I'm not some … some puppy you can give away in case you don't come back! I'm your girlfriend, and you don't get to dump me just because you decide to. You worked too damn hard to get me back, and I'm not about to let you just dump me for no good reason. If you don't love me, if you don't want to be with me, then fine. Do it. But don't make up bullshit excuses."
"It's not an excuse, Anna, it's a fucking reality!" He grabbed her wrist, tugging her closer. "I might not come back, and this is the only out I'm giving you."
"I don't want an out, you idiot." She dropped to her knees a couple of steps below him. "Shit, Steve, I know what might happen over there, okay? I know. And it doesn't change how I feel about you or how long I want to be with you. I'm not letting you go through this next month alone, I'm gonna be here when you get back, and - and I don't want you to break up with me."
She sounded so close to tears that he hated himself. Pushing her wet hair away from her face, he lowered his legs so she was in between them rather than in front.
"I ain't gonna dump you," he said. "I'm a selfish bastard, remember? It's not fair to you, but I want you for the next month, I want you to wait for me, and I want to come back and be with you."
"And I want to be here. I will be here."
He pulled her face closer. "I am an idiot. I never wanted to break up, I just thought … I hate the idea of you hurting."
"I know. I knew this was all because you were goin' away. That you were tryin' to end things now so it wouldn't be so bad if …" She trailed off, but he knew what she couldn't say. He turned the conversation around.
"How'd you know?"
"Henry. He said Terry tried to do the same thing to Linda before he left."
Saying nothing, Steve decided that maybe he didn't hate Phillips so much after all. He wasn't sure how this conversation would have gone if Anna hadn't known what he was doing. He had a feeling it would have ended the same, but there would have been a whole lot more yelling and cussing in between.
"If I wanted to be free, I'd go," she said, staring into his eyes. "But I don't. I want to be yours."
Hugging her tightly, Steve wasn't sure he'd ever loved her more.
I got soul,
But I'm not a soldier.
A/N: Beta'd by RileysMomma. Updated a few days early because I really appreciate all the reviews you guys have given me :)
