** 29 **
James stared at the spot where Anderson had stood. The silence was heavy and he couldn't help the feeling of guilt that gnawed at him. He was safe on the Normandy while Anderson and his team were fighting for their survival. It was a double-edged sword, he wanted to be here, with Shepard, watching her back and taking some of her load, yet he wanted to be on Earth, helping them survive. Whichever way it cut it hurt.
He was about to turn and leave when he realised that Shepard hadn't moved. He looked at her to find her rigid, her knuckles white on the console, her arms trembling with tension, her head dropped on her chest and she was shaking.
'Shepard?' He leaned forward to find her eyes closed. She was biting her bottom lip, hard. He reached up and gently placed his hand on her shoulder, 'Shepard are …'
Before he'd finished she spun and pushed herself into his chest, her fists clenched in his shirt and her head buried against his collarbone. Was she crying? He quickly wrapped his arms around her, took three steps backwards to the wall and turned so his bulk hid them from prying eyes in the war room. Shepard held herself tight against him and he adjusted his hold, one hand around her back, the other cradling her head as she trembled uncontrollably.
'EDI,' his eyes flicked to the ceiling as he spoke softly, 'the commander is unavailable right now, if anyone needs her send them to Joker or Traynor.'
'Understood, lieutenant, should I alert Dr Chakwas?'
'No, just give us privacy for a bit please.'
'Logging you out.'
James held the woman of his dreams in his arms. She had to hear his heart racing as his fingers buried themselves in her hair, as the scent of her shampoo assailed his senses and his hand in the middle of her back held her tight against him. His concern for her prevented other thoughts from arising but as he closed his eyes and rested his cheek on the top of her head he knew it wouldn't take much for certain things to pop up.
They stood like that for what seemed an eternity but finally he felt her move. She didn't move away though, she simply turned her head and rested her cheek against his chest as her hands relaxed their grip on his shirt but remained flat on his chest. He could feel the heat of her, it burned, but he would happily stand and let it sear his skin. James never wanted this moment to end and she seemed content to stay right where she was but he knew they wouldn't be alone for long.
'Are you okay, Lola?'
'No,' she whispered. 'We left them James. We left them to come out here and play politics when we should be on Earth helping them stay alive.' She sucked in a shuddering breath, 'how could we do that? You were right, we should have gone back.'
It had never been clearer to James that as much as she buried her emotions she was a deeply passionate person. When she cared about someone it was with everything she had. Leaving Anderson behind was tearing her apart. Commander Andora Shepard was not the cold hearted bitch everyone said she was. Andora, it rolled over his tongue, it felt right, natural, and he was eager for the chance to call her by name. Doing it now would be wrong, even though she had told him to on Earth. It was different now, she was his CO and calling her by name felt disrespectful.
He would wait until that moment when he could tell her he loved her because even if she didn't love him back he would tell her, one day. He could only imagine being loved by her, it would be all encompassing, probably overwhelming but above all emotionally exhilarating and intense. He wanted that so badly he could taste it, but she didn't need to know that, especially right now.
'No, you were right,' her hair floated on his breath and he carefully brushed it down and out of her face. 'The best way we can help them is to get ships and troops to Earth. Anderson is one of the best soldiers I know, he'll keep himself and others alive.'
Without thinking he placed a soft kiss on her head and he felt her breath hitch. He waited for her to tell him to back off, to know his place but she leaned further into him.
'I hope so,' her hands dropped to his waist, sliding around him to rest in the small of his back and it was his turn to gasp softly. 'I'll never forgive myself if we're wrong.' She sighed and raised her head. 'So,' she stepped back but her hands were still on his waist as his hands moved to her shoulders, 'you see me as a Lola, huh?' There was no evidence of tears and he knew she'd fought hard to stop them from escaping.
The sudden change of subject took him by surprise but he met her eyes as he spoke, 'yeah, you remind me of my best friend's older sister.'
'Oh?' She raised an eyebrow at him and he grinned.
'Hot, sexy,' his voice dropped an octave and her eyes darkened.
'So you think I'm hot and sexy?' it was soft and smooth, velvety, and it washed over him in ways he never expected.
'You have no idea,' James muttered as his face burned but he could see colour in her cheeks too.
Suddenly she stepped back and dropped her hands to her side, all emotion gone from her face. The commander was back. Disappointment flowed over him but James understood now, it was her defence mechanism, it was nothing personal.
'I'm sorry you had to see me like this, James,' she squared her shoulders and blew out a breath. 'It won't happen again.'
She was about to walk away but he grabbed her wrist and stopped her. She looked from his hand to his eyes and he was sure she was going to yell at him for manhandling his superior, but she didn't.
'I'm not sorry,' he held her gaze. 'I've told you Shepard, I'm here for you. No-one expects you to do this alone and if you need to break you can do it with me, no recriminations or guilt involved. I just want you to know that.'
Her hand moved to take his fingers lightly in hers and she nodded before giving a gentle squeeze and releasing her hold. 'I'll see you at dinner.'
Then she was gone and James sagged against the wall. He could still feel the heat from where he'd held her against him, shadows of her hands rested on his waist, the softness of her hair still brushed against his face. He'd never felt like this around any woman before, it was frightening and yet he wanted so much more.
'Hey, Vega,' Joker spoke in his earpiece, 'nice work.'
'You were watching,' he looked at the ceiling, not sure if he should be angry or not.
'Just worried,' there was genuine concern in his voice. 'Needed to know if Chakwas should be there.'
'Yeah, I'm sure that's all it was,' James was chuckling as he left the com room.
'Be careful Vega, she's been burned pretty recently.'
'I'm aware of that,' James made his way to the elevator. 'Fucking pendejo didn't realise what he had,' he was muttering under his breath but obviously not quietly enough.
'Okay then,' Joker was grinning, James was sure of it. 'I'll make sure the starboard obs lounge is empty when you need it.'
As the elevator doors closed James realised that Joker was giving him his seal of approval and while Vega didn't feel he needed it he certainly appreciated it. It was one step closer to becoming part of the family, and family was important, especially this one.
James spent the next few hours gathering reports, checking on ship and crew and forwarding updates to Hackett. His thoughts kept wandering back to the feel of Shepard in his arms and he needed to keep himself busy so he didn't get lost in them. He worked with Traynor to ensure their link with Earth was stable which also allowed him to talk to Stokes again.
'Is there anything that doesn't faze you, Stokes?' He was more than impressed with the young man's abilities and the ease with which he fell into anything that was thrown at him. Anderson was lucky to have him and James had no doubt the admiral knew that.
'Nah,' the grin was contagious and James couldn't help but grin back. 'Why get stressed over things you can't change.'
'You've been hanging around Zahedi too long,' James chuckled as he sent information through the link.
'I'll pass on your reports to the admiral,' Stokes glanced up and James could hear rumbling in the background.
'Everything okay?'
'Damn Reapers keep stomping around and dropping buildings, it's as if they're making sure they're all empty.' Stokes relaxed again but James could see he was unsettled. 'They've killed so many and their troops on the ground are increasing.' For the first time James heard doubt in his voice.
'Hey,' James watched him look up, 'you hang in there, Anderson will do his best to keep you alive and we are bringing help.'
'I know,' he sighed and guilt reared its ugly head again as James gripped the console. 'We're moving in the next couple of days, Anderson wants me to keep you and Hackett updated so I'll be sending reports through to Traynor. We have to get out of the city, seems the Reapers don't like the countryside and fresh air.'
'Make sure you read the stuff I sent on the Reaper troops we've encountered so far, it might help.'
'Roger that, I'll make sure it's passed on to the soldiers in the field once the admiral has read it.' Stokes glanced over his shoulder, 'I have to go, the admiral's called a meeting.'
'Take care, Stokes and let everyone know we're thinking of you and we will bring help.' James saw him nod before the connection ended. He stared at the empty space, wishing he could grab them all and pull them onto the Normandy, keep them safe.
'Lieutenant?'
James turned to find Liara standing behind him. 'What can I do for you Doctor T'Soni?'
'I was hoping to get some time on the QEC, check in with my sources, the normal networks are slowly disappearing so this is my only other option.' She stood patiently and it occurred to him just how powerful this woman was and how much information she had at her fingertips.
'Sure, check with Traynor and set up a schedule. All Alliance, Council or ally messages take precedence,' he watched as she nodded.
'Thank you,' she moved so he could step past her, 'Lieutenant,' he paused and she smiled at him, 'call me Liara, please.'
James stared at her for a moment before realising that she was accepting him as part of the crew, as part of the Normandy family. There was something about her though that grated on him, she was a dangerous person he knew that, but it wasn't it, there was just something he couldn't put his finger on. She was also a member of Shepard's inner circle, she'd been there from the beginning just like Joker and Garrus, and Alenko. Just thinking about the major made his head ache. Then a thought occurred to him.
'Liara it is,' he acknowledged and her smile widened. 'Are you getting information from Earth?"
'Some,' she sighed and he wondered just where her spies were placed, 'why?'
'Just … ' He paused and she frowned at him. Did he have the right to ask for something personal when so many others couldn't?
'You want to know about family,' she guessed his intention. 'It's only natural that you would want to know,' she placed her hand on his arm, 'don't feel guilty because of it.'
'I'm sure others do too,' he ran his hand through his hair.
'I have an idea that might help,' she handed him an empty datapad. 'Why don't you get a list of everyone's families, where they are, where they might go and we'll see what we can find.'
'Thanks,' his relief must have been obvious because she chuckled softly. 'I'll let Traynor know that you need to make up a schedule.' He nodded and left.
James made sure he allowed time to shower and change before meeting Shepard for dinner. It wasn't a date but he wasn't about to spoil her meal by drowning her in the smell of his sweat. If he was honest, he wanted to make a good impression besides the one she had of him as a soldier. He wasn't off duty but he switched into a comfortable Alliance shirt that was too tight around the collar but worked if he left the top two buttons undone.
He gathered his reports and headed to the mess to collect their dinners. Campbell informed him that EDI had already done that and was in the starboard observation lounge. With curiosity creasing his brow he stepped through the door and stopped. His mouth dropped open as he took in the room.
'Um, EDI, what ….'
She turned towards him, 'I have prepared the room for your dinner with Shepard,' she crossed her hands behind her, 'Jeff informed me that this is appropriate for such an occasion.'
James glanced at the artificial candles and cushions scattered around the room before his gaze landed on the table set for an intimate dinner for two, including a bottle of wine. Where the hell did that come from?
'Dr Chakwas assures me that this particular wine is the perfect accompaniment to the meal.'
That answered that question. He didn't know what to say. She'd obviously gone to a lot of trouble to create a warm, cosy environment and he hated to burst the bubble but not only was it inappropriate it was downright uncomfortable. Laughter burst through the com overhead and both he and EDI glanced up.
'If only you could see your face, Vega,' Joker chortled.
'This was your idea, wasn't it?' James grimaced.
EDI shifted as if she was uncomfortable, 'I assume from Jeff's laughter and your fearful appearance that I have been tricked.' She glanced at the ceiling and James guessed that Joker would be getting a lecture. 'I apologise for making you uncomfortable, Lieutenant. I will correct the situation.' She went to move but stopped and looked back at him. 'I would suggest you leave the shutter closed however.'
James looked at the closed shutter and it took him a moment but his eyes widened as he understood. 'Shepard has problems with open space.'
'Yes, she tends to avoid areas with views outside the ship when possible.'
James nodded, it was to be expected he supposed after dying the way she did, 'Thanks, EDI and I'm sorry you went to so much trouble for nothing.'
Before EDI could begin tidying up the door opened and Shepard stepped through. Her mouth dropped just like James' had and she stared at the room before her eyes fell on James.
'What the hell is going on?'
'I apologise Commander,' EDI faced her and took the brunt of her surprise, 'it seems Jeff has tricked me into something inappropriate at your and Lieutenant Vega's expense.'
James was surprised when Shepard laughed, 'Joker, you're an asshole,' she stared at the ceiling but there was no anger in her words.
'I was about to correct the mistake,' EDI went towards the table but Shepard stopped her and looked at James.
'You don't want to have a candlelit dinner with me?' Her eyebrows lifted as she cocked a hip and folded her arms across her chest, 'you've changed for the occasion.'
'I … what …' James stuttered before finding control. He leaned towards her and his voice was husky as he spoke softly, 'I would love to have a candlelit dinner with you, Lola.' He grinned at her wide eyes before moving to a chair and pulling it out. 'Have a seat, my lady.'
Shepard shook her head with a laugh and willingly took the offered seat. 'Joker, you can tell whoever won the bet that I expect half of their winnings.'
'What!' There was spluttering on the other end of the com, 'what makes you think there's a bet?'
'Because this is your doing and you wouldn't do anything other than bet on the outcome. Anyone that took part deserves to lose half of whatever they won.'
James was laughing as he took his seat, any sense of discomfort was gone until he sat down and looked at Shepard behind the candles. She was beautiful. Her eyes shone with humour and even though it was electronic the warm light of the candles created an aura around her that softened the harder lines on her face. Her hair was golden and her lips dark as she looked at him across the table. She licked her lips as her eyes dropped to the open neck of his shirt. There was an immeasurable amount of pleasure in that simple movement and James was sure the temperature in the room had risen several degrees, and it had nothing to do with the candles.
Neither of them heard EDI leave or the door locking behind her. They didn't hear Joker's annoyed curses as the cameras and audio feed were disabled. All they could hear were their own loudly beating hearts.
