Spring break (or spring recess as my college likes to call it) has finally come! I'm so happy! Time for updates!

I'm going to be borderline on the M-rating for a while. Partially in this chapter, and two or three more times in this story. But that'll be it. Just a little warning.

Go Forth and Read On!


Journal,

.I miss Johnny. It's weird. I only knew him for a few weeks, but I miss him. Or maybe I just feel guilty because I'm doing what he wanted to do. I wish he was here with us; he would love it out here. But….he's finally at peace now, after years of the white rooms. He doesn't have any worries anymore, and that's all that matters.

I know it's kind of late to say this, but R.I.P. Johnny. I still love you.

I feel like when I complain about juvie I have no right to because Johnny was in here longer than me and was in a perpetual hell all the time. Then there's JoJo. I don't think it's fair that he's in here. He's only here because he was defending he little brother from some kids who wanted to hurt them. Compared to those guys, I should just keep my mouth shut and stop complaining.

..I have a new job. Do I like it? Well…..it pays. It pays.

.

..

..

.I think I might be the antichrist.…..I'm serious. I really think I am, or at least have the POTENTAL to be. I can't put it into words, but I just feel that way sometimes. Like I did some really bad things before I started acting out at school and if anyone found out about those things….

~*~TJ's POV~*~

Red, orange, yellow.

Those are my new favorite colors because I wear them on my wrist most of the time. Out of all the bracelets I choose the red, orange, and yellow ones. Those were the only ones I could bring myself to wear. The bare minimum. Five of each on my left arm. The red ones go the fastest, then the yellow. I have plenty of oranges ones lying around. Guess people don't like them much.

Today is Tuesday. I don't like Tuesdays. Too many customers. I limit myself every day, but I get customers back to back on Tuesdays. Not enough time in between to think. That should be a good thing though. I don't want to think about this. I usually read between customers.

I was supposed to return all those books I checked out of the library. I brought back two. I kept The Torah. I thought I brought it back, but I must've forgot to put it in my backpack…..

JoJo found it on my bed, and like every other book he touched, tried to read it. He couldn't. It wasn't written in English. It's in Yiddish. He couldn't read it, but I could. I could read Yiddish before I could read English. That's because of my grandma. She wanted to make sure her grandchildren could read and write in Yiddish. I thought I forgot how to; haven't done it in a long time. I'm not trying to be religious or anything, just reading to see what's in it. So I read that while I wait for some else to come and snap a bracelet that I'm wearing—oh wait, here comes someone.

Closing my book I held out my arm that I wore the bracelets on. He came up to me, wrapped his finger around a yellow one, and snapped it off.

Sometimes I wish you couldn't do that with these things.

"How long?" I asked him. Of course I have to ask that. Prices vary, depending on what they're asking for and how long they're trying to do it for. Starting price for the yellows is $20, but it goes up fast.

"Twenty minutes," He said.

"$100," I said, leading the way into my room. "You pay $50 now, and $50 when we're done. Got it?"

"Yeah." I sat down on my bed and waited for him to give me the money. A solid fifty dollar bill. He must be getting money from the outside. He sat down next to me and pressed his lips against mine. Ugh, why does he think that slamming our teeth together equals kissing? I have enough problems with my teeth, I don't need a chipped tooth from this asshole. I see him at least twice a week, so I know what he likes, unfortunately. He started to push me down, making me lay on my back just as he was forcing his tongue in my mouth. He brushed his teeth this time. Good.

I don't pay much attention after this. I let my mind roam until he time was up; time goes by faster that way. JoJo knows not to come in when I…..'go to work.' He came in once, it was awkward. The guy I was with that time offered to pay me triple to get us to have a threesome. JoJo laughed right in his face, grabbed his cigarettes, and left. The only thing that stopped me from doing the same was that I was under him and I didn't have any clothes on. I made $150 that time.

But like I said, I don't like to think about what I'm doing. It's not like I'm lying in bed at night crying about it, because I'm not. I just feel like I've sunken back to the bottom of the pecking order. Specs needs to hurry up and come over here. I'm better at selling drugs than this. And I need to do my homework.

I was getting straight A's in math and my teacher saw it. She said that she saw my work and thought that algebra 1 was too easy for me. She gave me a chance to go into a harder class, and I took it. Part of it was for the challenge, the other was to get away from Tommy Gun. The class is a little harder, so I have to pay attention or I'll get behind. I don't mind though.

I was expecting Tommy to come around and snap one of my bracelets to get me to do something for him, but he hasn't. He's watching me though, waiting for me to slip up and to swoop in and attack. Creep. At least I'm making money off of this. If I wasn't, I'd just be doing it to keep Tommy Gun off my back, which would defeat the purpose. But I still feel like he's in control of this situation, like he's making me do this without making me do this…

Looking at my watch I see that his twenty minutes are up and tapped him on the shoulder. I felt his lips and body lift off of me. He reached into his pocket and gave me the other half of what I charged him before leaving. I'm a hundred dollars richer. Hooray for me.

I was about to call it day because all I had left were red bracelets left and I didn't feel like fucking for the next few hours, but I saw a particular customer coming up. He always pays double. I charged him $200 once and paid $400. He said he really liked to the service and the extra $200 was a tip. Am I willing to do this today? …..Yes. Yes I am.

He came up to me and snapped one of the remaining red bracelets, whipped out $200, and handed it to me before pulling me into my room. Dammit I hate being manhandled. I only put up with it for the money, but I still hate it. After he closed the door he tossed me on my bed and was on top of me in seconds, smashing his lips against mine.

I need to make a policy about not kissing unless they're specifically paying for that service.

By now I went limp, just like every other time before. He knows this is normal, so he didn't say anything. I need to think about something until this is over, but what? Let's see…

….I got nothing. Oh wait, here's something. I feel like being….what's the word? Oh, yeah. Mischievous. I feel like being mischievous. Like I used to be before. I want to do something big too. Not some small prank like a little kid. But what could I do? I don't have the right stuff to make an explosion. Wait a minute. I don't want to do a prank, I want to come up with a scheme. Pranks are for little kids, and I'm not a little kid. I'm 15 years old for fucks sake. But still, what?

OUCH! Fuck, I keep telling this guy to slow down! What doesn't he understand about that? It's still going to get in there without him jamming it in!

Where was I? Oh yeah, coming up with a scheme. I would need JoJo and Bandit to help me. Specs too. Maybe they have an idea, because I sure don't.

But I really need to do my homework. After this customer I'm done for the day, I swear.

I feel weight lift off of my chest that didn't return. I look up and see him standing and putting his clothes back on. I see my uniform lying on the floor, pick it up and start to put it back on. Just as I was doing the last button, ten twenty dollar bills pinned together with a paper clip landed next to me.

"I'd go crazy in here if it weren't for you doing this," He told me.

"Mmm-hmm," I mumbled, counting the money. After he was done putting his clothes on he left without saying another word. As usual. Pulling the remaining bracelets off, I put them into my pocket and headed out too find JoJo and Bandit. What have they been up to?

"You okay Freckles?" JoJo asked me. He's always asking if I'm okay, ever since I started doing what I do a few weeks ago. I keep giving him the same answer, but he keeps asking anyways. I don't mind though; he's probably just worried. "You've been quiet."

"Yeah, I'm fine," I told him, sitting down at the table. "I just feel like being quiet right now. It's nothing to worry about." Nodding, JoJo shuffled the deck of cards in his hands, ending the conversation. I don't think he knows that I know that he's been watching me every time someone comes up to me and snaps one of my bracelets. I know we're supposed to look after one another, but I can handle this on my own. Or maybe he's watching out for Tommy Gun. I see him looking at me from where ever he happens to be on any particular day. He better not be thinking that if he comes up to me that he's going to be a customer. Nope, not gonna happen. I'm waiting to see if he tries.

JoJo dealt out the cards between the three of us and we started to play blackjack. We haven't played in a while, so we were a little more enthusiastic about it this time around. But I knew I would lose because my mind isn't on the game, its somewhere else.

I'm starting to feel like I did before I came here. The same way and felling I felt when I found out halfway through fifth grade that I liked doing things that most people would find horrifying. Not those pranks I pulled back at Third Street, no; that was small stuff. How do I describe it?

…Let's just say I have some psychopathic tendencies…

I remember when I first found out about it. It was one a weekend, and I was so fucking bored. I did the usual things I did to occupy myself with, but nothing worked. So I took a walk and ended up going through the woods. And there was this cat that kept following me. I tried to get it go away but I wouldn't. So I lit it on fire.

I lit that cat on fire. And I liked it. I liked watching it run around trying to get away from the flames. I like watching it shriek in pure agony. I sat there, against the tree and watched it trying to save itself until it collapsed and died from the burns. And I was laughing the whole time. It was funny, so I was going to laugh. That what you do when you see something that you think is funny. Laugh. It was so funny that I did it a again. I had to find a cat the next time. There was this lady that lived by the woods who had a bunch of cats, so stole one of hers and lit that one on fire too. And I did it again and again. It was still as funny on the tenth time as the first. My 'former' friends didn't have a clue to what I was doing. They didn't know, and I had no intention of telling them. I did this when I was alone and bored. I still acted the same was at school, at least until I started my new brand of pranks.

I was going to get another cat to light up when that woman who lived in that house with all the cats came out and stopped me. She said she saw what I was doing and told me to stop. She called me 'a disturbed little boy' for lighting her cat on fire and laughing at them. She moved soon after that.

Disturbed. That's such and ugly word.

But that feeling I got when I watched those cats running around with flames engulfing them or even right when I was coming up with a new prank to pull on the entire school, it's coming back. I can feel it. I can't eve describe the feeling, but it's incredible. I only experienced it in here when I was doing drugs; it's that good.

….

….

….

…I think about hurting people, too. A lot. I don't let anyone know about it though. They'd think I'm crazier than what they already think. I dunno why I think about hurting people; I just do. I think about killing them too. I've dreamt about hurting and killing people more than just a few times to be able to blow off. Not only do I think and dream about hurting and killing people, but I think about how. But I don't feel anything when that happens. It's the same feeling I got with killing those cats.

…that's confusing…

When the cats were on fire and trying to save their lives, that make me feeling something that I can't describe. When they keeled over and died, I felt nothing for them, like when I think about hurting people. Does that make sense? Yeah that makes sense.

I should probably tell Mr. Simmons that. He already visited this month, so I have to wait until next month. No, I'm not going to tell him. That's none of his business. He's a nice guy, but I think I'll keep this to myself. I don't plan to kill anyone though. I least I don't want to. Yet. I just think about it.

I had a dream one time, where I broke out of here and made my way to Third Street. I was so angry by the time I reached home. And I found my 'former' friends in one of their houses, just hanging out. I don't remember whose house it was but that didn't really matter since I lit it on fire. They saw me and begged through the window that I was watching them to help them get out. I didn't. I just sat down nearby and watched them drop like flies and I didn't feel anything. It's just a dream, so it didn't really happen and now one should care about it.

…..I do think about hurt them though. More than anyone. I don't want to kill them though. That would be too easy. I would want them to suffer for as long as I could drag it out. Not just physical pain either. Mental pain, too. I want them to feel the exact amount of pain I felt whilst I'm in here. And I want it to seem to last forever. I would want them begging for their lives and for me to have mercy on them. No, I'd want them begging for me to take their lives because the pain would be too much.

….

….But I only think about it. I don't plan to do it. It's okay to think about it if I'm not planning on doing it, right? I just have tendencies. Psychopathic tendencies. That I keep to myself. Nothing wrong with that.

It's not all the time though. Like in here, it's not as bad. I don't do what I did outside in here. I don't want to. It's weird, 'cause ever since I came in here, I didn't have that urge to do what I did back at Third Street, or it just wasn't as strong. I think about doing it though, I just don't want to. Not here. I like it here. It's what I'm used to. I do wanna raise some hell for Third Street though. But I would have to break out for that, and they have this place guarded pretty tight. Even if I did manage to get out, how am I going to reach home? Third Streets three hours away. By car. I think I'll stick around here for now.

"I'm tired," I said, setting my cards down on the table. "I'm going to sleep early night. See you guys later." Standing up from the table I headed towards JoJo and my room. Today was a long day. I need some sleep.


This chapter sort of went off the rails, but I wanted to spend at less one chapter focusing solely on his thoughts.

Donna Nnov: I remember those things from middle school too. But here it only lasted for a month or two before dying out like a fad. I never did figure out which color stood for what, so I made it up for this story. I won't get into much detail about the whole sex thing though. Maybe once or twice, but they won't be happening for a while.

RandallXSpinelli: heh heh, sorry to kill your childhood. Didn't mean to. But I swear that it serves a purpose to the overall story. I won't get into as much detail as this chapter did from now on, but it is important.

Please Review!